With tongue-in-cheek, here's a news report I'd like to see:
Nuisance Villagers removal effort planned
Using offers of free beer and Budweiser Clydesdale visits as bait, VCCD and local police authorities intend to round up, trap and remove Villagers exhibiting aggressive behavior. Villagers in question show no fear of driving drunk and without seat belts, talking loud, cutting in line, and other threatening kinds of conduct. Villagers saving dozens of chairs at a time for town-square events are also a concern, especially to potential buyers who can't find a place to sit. Authorities say aggressive, older Villagers will be relocated to memory care facilities. Those under age 55 will be fed to alligators that are an important part of the charm and ecology in the area.
And now for something completely sarcastic (credit TheOnion.com
Uncool Zookeeper Won't Let Anyone Ride Gorillas
BROOKFIELD, IL—Despite heartfelt pleas, Janice Petrone, a totally lame and uncool zookeeper at the Brookfield Zoo, repeatedly told a group of area sixth graders Monday that they were not allowed to ride on the backs of the western lowland gorillas.
"The silverback's natural instinct is to protect his troop," said Petrone, who has probably never taken a risk in her entire boring life. "He would beat his chest, bare his teeth, and then charge at you as soon as you entered the enclosure."
Petrone, a loser who hates fun, also told the kids they were not permitted to swim with the sharks, race the cheetahs, or punch the giraffes.