[ColdNoMore]

“If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, you’re just late.”

"People who like trance music are very persistent. They don't techno for an answer." – Joel Dommett

“My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’ That wasn’t a nice postcard to receive.” - Joe Bor

"My wife wanted a new fridge. And because I like sex, I said yeah." – John Bishop

“My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding." I thought: ‘Bloody hell, how long’s the aisle going to be’.” Paul McCaffrey

"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that." Adam Hills

"I was in my car driving back from work. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I said, 'One minute I'm on the phone." - Alan Carr

"Ain't no pickpocket trying to steal my suitcase. It could be an expensive laptop computer or it could be the end of their life. It's too much of a gamble." - Imran Yusuf

"With stand-up in Britain, what you have to do is bloody swearing. In Germany, we don't have to swear. Reason being, things work." - Henning When

"Standing in the park, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets...then it hit me" Stewart Francis

"The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast." - Demetri Martin

"I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess." - Matt Kirshen

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” Tim Vine

"I've written a letter to the Royal Mail to complain about my post being stolen. To make sure they see it, I've put it inside a birthday card." - Gary Delaney