[Ralphy]

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't behave, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My father taught me LOGIC .
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shops with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My father taught me IRONY .
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My father taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM .
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My father taught me about STAMINA ...
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My father taught me about WEATHER .
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My father taught me about HYPOCRISY .
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."

14. My mother taught me about behaviour MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My father taught me about ENVY .
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My father taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING ..
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My father taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP .
"Put your jumper on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My father taught me HUMOUR .
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My father taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS .
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a tent?"

24. My father taught me WISDOM .
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favourite:
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"