Jokes aside, this is an interesting query.
I use Citizens for my chequing account because they are welcoming and polite and cheery. And have good apples and popcorn.
I use Bank of America because their CD rates are better than Citizens.
And because they're a huge bank so I think my money is safe there. Even though I think the Customer Service Reps at B of A must have to attend Snarl School before they're unleased on customers.