[Muncle]

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

Mother of Jimmy Carter - Lillian Carter

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt


Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen I have since been visited by her sister. Now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

- George Burns



Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge
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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates <><>

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx <><>


I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor <><>

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine <><>

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield <><>

Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

- Joe Namath

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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon . Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

- W. C. Fields <><>

We could certainly slow the ageing process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers <><>

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill <><>

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

- Phyllis Diller <><>

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good, spit it out.