May I share some observations as the child who had to make the decisions for her parents?
First, please share everything with your children. My parents didn’t want to worry us and didn’t tell my brother and me that dad had colon cancer and was having surgery. My aunt called the day before and mentioned it. My Mom was in the early stages of Alzheimer’s and shouldn’t stay alone. At that short of notice figuring out how to support dad and keep mom safe while having a family and a job two hours away was crazy and unfair.
Second, as an attorney, I made sure that my parents had their finances taken care of. Mom hid some assets in her name, and we had to open a probate estate because of it. Part of this planning is to give someone a Durable Power of Attorney. This allowed me to take over my parents finances when the time came without going to court. I cannot stress how much easier and what a difference this made.
Third, a living will is not sufficient. You also need a durable healthcare power of attorney. My parents had both, and we needed the second for my dad. Since I held this power, we avoided putting my dad on the machines when they would not have helped him recover, just keep going.
And, finally, tell your children what you want. My parents had a conversation with me, and my mom clipped an Ann Landers column, underlining in red ink what she felt strongly about. This gave me the freedom and the peace of mind to do as they wished.
If you can’t talk about it, write about it. Don’t make your kids make end- of-life decisions without your input. It was hard enough to do knowing what my parents wanted. It would have been excruciating if we had not talked.
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