You ruled out my answer sorta like when you were moving into town and had some very specific requirements for your internet service. You are a smart one there OBB. I'll bet you have decided already about the route you will take. I just disassembled two computers that could have saved the day and dismembered an old 27-inch iMac.
I switched over to a Mac Mini several years ago and it was the best computer move I ever made. Wish it could help you but you did say it's a no-go. Good luck.
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