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Originally Posted by AMB444
My father is in his mid 90's. My older sib sister is "executor of estate". In our generation this was given to the eldest regardless of whether they could handle the task.
When mom passed my sib was granted "executor" but handled it badly. My sister didn't care about family memoribilia, antique family photos, childhood pics of family. My children and myself were left out and my sister kept jewelry for herself and her daughter than sent pic of what was left for me.
She had first access and actually told mom's friends to go into mom's house to take out what they wanted without consulting me. The house was cleaned out and I was sent pics of the few items left.
She gave mom's car away to a "friend" of mom's that only showed up 6 months before when mom had 4 stage cancer diagnosis.
Is there anyway to help when dad passes with a much larger estate. It's hard after all these years that my sister would do this.. please be respectful in your comments. Thank you so much.
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My mom told us years before she had her first stroke that she wanted us to take what we wanted while the parents were still alive. Stake our claim, make it known to each other.
Sister knew that I wanted grandma's wedding ring, and mom's engagement ring. I didn't really care about the rest of the jewelry, but we agreed that she'd take the pieces she liked best, and we'd split whatever we got by selling off anything of value (gold, platinum, diamonds, etc). I told her she could put the rest of the jewelry up in auction or at a tag sale and keep the proceeds, as payment toward her executor fee.
Mom passed a little less than 2 years ago. Sister didn't want to deal with the walk-in closet filled with clothing. I told her pick the pieces she wanted to keep for herself, to wear. I picked a few shirts I liked. Then I put EVERYTHING ELSE in boxes, and drove it all back up to The Villages and donated it all to Haven, anonymously. No receipt, no tax deduction needed. There was a fur coat in there, a bunch of silk clothing, a formal gown from the 1950's...and around 100 pounds of other random shirts, blouses, polyester pull-on slacks, and so on.
Now that dad is in his final year(s) as well, we're slowly removing bits and pieces from the house. I took all the soft-cover novels and a big bag of packages of decorative napkins and plates. Those will go on tables next time our neighborhood has a tag sale. I've taken a few pieces of lead crystal - Waterford and what not. I took all the old coins.
The goal here is to take anything we cherish while they're still alive, and anything we personally value immediately after they're gone.
A reason to take it while they're alive (other than reducing risk of losing to auction or debt collector if you have to deal with probate): you can visit with your parent. Show them the item in question. Have a conversation. Reminisce about the last time you saw them with it, or how they acquired it - the trip they took to Japan when they brought back the kimono. The wooden box they inherited from their own father, which HIS father brought with him to the USA, when they moved here after WWI from Germany. You can help connect with your loved one, while taking possession of the things THEY valued. This is priceless. It doesn't pay the bills, but it's still priceless.