Quote:
Originally Posted by tony
Where in the name of all that is good is Boomer when you really need her?
And, turner, I wouldn't get too UPpity about English majors in this thread. In a group they can frown a lot and get pretty stern, right Boomer?
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I have heard a rumor that Mr. Tony is thinking about adding a special forum just for English majors. I have reason to believe that this is yet another of his dastardly plots to try to get all the English majors to show up in one convenient location -- all the better for Mr. Tony to besmirch them. One-stop besmirching.
I feel that Mr. Tony must be advised that his plot will never work. What's he thinking? How can he possibly think it would be so easy?
I have no idea why Mr. Tony keeps on insisting that I am an English major. And just to prove that I am not, I am going to help him by giving him some advice on how to trap English majors...
Dear Mr. Tony, Mr. Admin, Sir:
First of all, forget about something so blatantly obvious as starting a forum called "English Majors." Geez. English majors are not attracted to the blatantly obvious.
If you want to trap English majors, start a golf forum. Did I hear you say, "Huh?"
(I was not sure where the question mark should go on that one.)
Here's how the new plot will work...
It will not be long before English majors start to show up in the golf forum. They will try to blend in with the others for a while, but eventually they will start talking among themselves.
Just you wait, Mr. Tony, just you wait. And watch.
Just wait and watch. Sooner, rather than later, the English majors will start saying things like, "Ohhhh, it is just so true what Mark Twain supposedly said,’Golf is a good walk spoiled.'”
And then, even though English majors are almost always really nice people, you will find that there will be a truly tedious one among them who tries to crank it up a notch. That one will try to trump all the others’ quotes by throwing in one not as well known. That particularly haughty English major will announce to everyone that Mark Twain also said, "It is good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling." (And you just watch closely, because this one will call him Samuel Langhorne Clemens.)
Then all the other English majors will want to change the subject so they will begin waxing poetic about the green, green grass of the golf course. That’s when the haughty one will start speaking in Latin.
In desperation to distract the haughty one from speaking Latin, one of those nice English majors will throw herself under the bus by making the leap from talking about the beauty of the golf course grass to going on and on about Walt Whitman's "Leaves of Grass." – And this is where you getum, Mr. Tony, because once they start talking about that one, everybody else in the golf forum, and maybe everybody else throughout all of TOTVland, will fall fast asleep. A deep, deep sleep. Only the English majors will remain awake.
And finally, Mr. Tony, you can holler, “Aha!” and get it right.
(If this does not convince you to start a golf forum, nothing will.)
And, Mr. Tony, I still cannot figure out why you think I am an English major. Here I am trying to help you with your plot to catch them all, once and for all. And besides, I sure do not know nuthin’ ‘bout all that English major talk.
Sincerely and helpfully, but never blatantly obviously,
Boomer the Besmirched.