We just finished the buy/build process for an Aspen in Sanibel. Our realtor told us the same thing as yours did about updates, but he was willing to figure in rough costs for a few updates that were very important to us and would have been deal breakers if the cost was too high. That gave us a base price to consider. When we met with the design team, our coordinator was able to give us exact costs and we could decide what updates to include, and our final build price was in the ballpark of what our realtor figured initially.
So yes, it is frustrating that there isn't a list of updates and the costs, but we did get the info eventually and it worked out in the end. I would recommend you decide what is very important to you such as granite or a golf cart garage or a stretched lanai/rooms and ask your realtor to give you a ballpark based on those updates. Then make a list of the things that you see as you look at models that you might want, such as a shower-only option in the guest bath or whatever, and take that to your design appointment.
The design team has it down, by the way! Our gal was patient and organized and walked us thru so many choices and updates and changes. She took us back several times to view cupboards and counters in various models and didnt so much as frown when we changed our minds more than once! You will have plenty of consideration time and cost info about changes or updates.
By the time we were done, we had nothing but good things to say about the process, even though like you we were annoyed at times early on. Barely a week after finishing the design process, our house is under construction. Amazing!
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