[graciegirl]

1. Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'

- Lillian Carter (mother of President Jimmy & Billy Carter)





2. I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'


- Eleanor Roosevelt





3. Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..


- Mark Twain





4. The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible


- George Burns





5. Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.


- Victor Borge





6. Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.


- Mark Twain





7. By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.


- Socrates





8. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.


- Groucho Marx





9. My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.


- Jimmy Durante





10. I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.


- Zsa Zsa Gabor





11. Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.


- Alex Levine





12. My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.


- Rodney Dangerfield





13. Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.


- Spike Milligan





14. Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.


- Joe Namath





15. I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.


- Bob Hope





16. I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..


- W. C. Fields





17. We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.


- Will Rogers





18. Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.


- Winston Churchill





19. Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.


- Phyllis Diller





20. By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.


- Billy Crystal





21. The cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good, spit it out.


- Unknown