OK - But for others who may be reading this reply, take note that it is rated PG-13 ( you may substitute any words you like where you find a word that offends you.. or just stop reading now). (This one may a little PUNny.)
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Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
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John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several
hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets," and ten roosters, whose
job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks).
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into
the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he
bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell
had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster
was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply
by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he
was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell
hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were
chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters
coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so
it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on
to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County
Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece
Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: Who else but a
politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted
awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace
and screwing them when they weren't paying attention!
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Luckily, there are no old people in TV, so no one should take exception to the following:
WHEN YOU GET OLD
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
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Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
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The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
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I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees fought prostate cancer and diabetes; I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends but, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
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I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. By the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
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An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll b e sure my daughters visit me twice a week "
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My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my
memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
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Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
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It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
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These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
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THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
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Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!
And FINALLY!!
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says,
"Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare checks. I'd really rather
have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive
around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected
to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her
sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.
The starting salary is $90,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're 'BS-ing' me!"
The Social Worker says, "Yeah, well... You started it."