[JohnZ]

For gryoung....a man after my own heart....More Steven Wrightisms

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids.
I got a toy subway instead.
You couldn't see anything,
but every now and then
you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.


I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,
"Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.


There's a pizza place near where I live
that sells only slices. In the back you
can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

How do you get off of a non-stop flight?

Women should put a picture of their missing husbands on beer cans.

What happens if you put
a slinky on an escalator?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Is "tired old cliche" one?

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman'.


When I woke up this morning
my girlfriend asked me,
'Did you sleep good?'
I said,
'No, I made a few mistakes.'


How did a fool and his money
get together in the first place?

If a mute kid swears,
should his mother
wash his hands with soap?

When an evil masochist dies does he go to hell,
or would heaven be a better punishment?

What was the best thing
before sliced bread?

Do people in Australia, call the rest
of the world, "Up Over" ?

Was it somebody's cruel idea to
put an "S" in the word "LISP" ?

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while I'm in the waiting room. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

The sky already fell.
Now what?

SHOULD CREMATORIUMS GIVE DISCOUNTS TO BURN VICTIMS?

If it's zero degrees outside today
and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow,
how cold is it going to be?


If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there,
is he still wrong?

Is it true cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Right now I'm having amnesia
and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before.