HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "No". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door, and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
I LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people!!=
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EMERGENCY ROOM
The other day, I needed to go to the emergency room.
Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch that I had downloaded off the Internet onto the front of my shirt.
When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.
Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.
(Border Patrol Patch - just in case the image does not come through!)
It also works well if you ever have to use a Laundromat, too.
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TICK WARNING!
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, but this one is real, and
it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e- mail list.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks
due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance
around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!! They only
want to see you naked.
:edit:I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid. :joke:
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Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabethdie on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should get into Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure the angels will be pleased to see them every day, for eternity."
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The angel chuckles and says, "Okay, Your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and gets in! Would you explain that to me?"
"Sorry, Dolly," says the angel, but, even in Heaven, a royal flush
beats a pair - no matter how big they are.
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Husband's marriage seminar.
At the church's husband's marriage seminar, the Priest asked Luigi, on
his upcoming 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share
some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all
these years. Luigi replied to the audience "Well, I'v-a tried to
treat-a her well, spend-a the money on her, but-a, da best-a is-a dat I
took her to Italy for the 20th-a anniversary!
The Priest immediately commented, "Luigi, you are an amazing
inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell the audience what you
are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary..."Luigi proudly
replied, "I'm-a gonna go and-a get her."
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*22 CAT Sayings*
1 "Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will pee on
your computer."-- Bruce Graham [ [… Not more than once!!]]
2 "There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."-- Unknown
3 "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never
forgotten this."-- Anonymous
4 "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled
through snow."-- Jeff Valdez
5 "In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."-- English proverb
6 "As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."-- Ellen Perry Berkeley
7 "One cat leads to another."-- Ernest Hemingway
8 "Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you
later."-- Mary Bly
9 "Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many
ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia."-- Joseph
Wood Krutch
10 "People who hate cats will come back as mice in their next life."-- Faith
Resnick
11 "There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned
by cats."-- Anonymous
12 "I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is
infinitely superior."-- Hippolyte Taine
13 "No heaven will Heaven be, unless my cats are there to welcome me."--
Unknown
14 "There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and
cats."-- Albert Schweitzer
15 "The cat has too much spirit to have no heart."-- Ernest Menaul
16 "Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."-- Unknown
17 "Time spent with cats is never wasted."-- Unknown
18 "Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they
have many other fine qualities as well."-- Missy Dizick
19 "You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange
cats."-- Colonial American proverb
20 "Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for
what you want."-- Joseph Wood Krutch
21 "I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic."
22 "My husband said it was him or the cat ... sometimes I miss him!"