[graciegirl]

Subj: Are You Really A Lawyer ???/


> What The Court Reporter Heard
>
> These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts,
> and are things people actually said in court, word for word,
> taken down and now published by court reporters who had the
> torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually
> taking place.
>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
> > >> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
> > >> ____________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your
> memory
> > at all?
> > >> WITNESS: Yes.
> > >> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> > >> WITNESS: I forget.
> > >> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
> something
> > you forgot?
> > >> ___________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
> involved
> > in voodoo?
> > >> WITNESS: We both do.
> > >> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
> > >> WITNESS: We do.
> > >> ATTORNEY: You do?
> > >> WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
> > >> ____________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies
> > in his sleep,
> > >> he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> > >> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> > >> ____________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is
> > he?
> > >> WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
> > >> ___________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> > >> WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me?
> > >> _________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
> August
> > 8th?
> > >> WITNESS: Yes.
> > >> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> > >> WITNESS: getting laid
> > >> ____________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
> > >> WITNESS: Yes.
> > >> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> > >> WITNESS: None.
> > >> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> > >> WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
> Can
> > I get a new
> > >> attorney?
> > >> ____________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> > >> WITNESS: By death.
> > >> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> > >> WITNESS: Take a guess.
> > >>
> > >> ____________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> > >> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> > >> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> > >> WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
> > >> _____________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to
> a
> > deposition
> > >> notice notice which I sent to your attorney?
> > >> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> > >> ______________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
> > performed on dead
> > >> people?
> > >> WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a
> > fight.
> > >> _________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school
> > did you go to?
> > >> WITNESS: Oral.
> > >> _________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the
> body?
> > >> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m .
> > >> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
> > >> WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
> > >> ____________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> > >> WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
> > >> ______________________________________
> > >>
> > >> And the best for last:
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
> > check for a
> > >> pulse?
> > >> WITNESS: No.
> > >> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> > >> WITNESS: No.
> > >> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
> > >> WITNESS: No.
> > >> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was
> alive
> > when you
> > >> began the autopsy?
> > >> WITNESS: No.
> > >> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> > >> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> > >> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been
> alive,
> > >> nevertheless?
> > >> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
> > and practicing
> > >> law.