I am going to try to phrase this as politely as I can...
Keep in mind that when you talk to folks at independent living, assisted living, memory care, nursing home, etc, the person you will most likely be talking to is the marketing person. Their job is to get you (or your loved one) to move in. Before you move in, you will often get all kinds of assurances that problem areas aren't a big deal. And (at independent and assisted living), you will be paying a "community fee" at move-in which is non-refundable.
Those assurances won't count when it turns out that the issues you or your loved one have are "outside of the scope of their license". If they are outside of the scope of license, you will have to move. End of discussion. (Otherwise, you are placing their license in jeopardy).
You will have to press, in many cases, to get them to fess up as to what would make your loved one have to move. From independent living, it may be that they cannot manage their meds on their own (no, idependent living does not include help with that). Or that they become confused and try to wander off (and that may well be in the cards for the future). The patient has to remember to go to the dining room for meals. Staff does not bathe residents. Staff doesn't check to see if they wet the bed.
The big deal breakers for assisted living is that they are incontinent or they can't move themselves from a chair to a wheelchair or a wheelchair to a bed with minimal assistant. If it takes two people to help them ("a two person lift" in their jargon), you are outside the scope of their license. They also *must* be able to get themselves to the dining room for meals - meals are not served in resident rooms. The "health aides" are assisting 20 plus people. Expect response times to be a lot slower than what you get in the hospital.
When I pressed the folks at a "congregate care" licensed facility, I was assured that they could deal with my father, who is a 2 person lift. When I pressed them about what is outside the scope, it finally came down to if he could not stand up (support his own weight), he was outside the scope of their license (they also required that residents come to the central dining area). Less than a month after I moved him to the skilled nursing facility where he is now, he could no longer stand and support his own weight. Within a month and a half, he was effectively bedridden and could not go to the central dining room.
What is the point of all this? First, unless you can really be objective, you probably should have a knowledgeable outsider assess what your 90 yo mom can and can't do and what she is likely to need in the near term future. (Be forewarned that you will probably want to have a really good cry when they give you an honest assessment.) Do not overestimate what your mom can do. You will not do her any favors to place her where she either won't be able to stay or will be at risk.
Second, take a very deep breath and look at the costs. Yes, assisted living and skilled nursing are expensive. If you can arrange her finances to qualify for VA care and assistance or Medicaid, so much the better. If not, accept that you may run thru all of her savings.
A very hard truth - you can't take care of her yourself for ever. Anyone who has been a caregiver will tell you what it does to you to never have a moment off. (And every so often you will see appeals from caregivers on here for help as they are going totally bat**** crazy.) It does that to people. Even putting her in a any level of a facility will drive you crazy. Gather up your support folks and warn them that you will be crazy for the next few years and have yourself put permanent on every prayer list you can find.
Good luck and may God help sustain you.
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