SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER:
I NOW HAVE TO:
1. scrub the top of every can I open.
2. I no longer have any savings because I gave it
to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in
the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
3. I no longer have any money at all, but that
will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill
Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.
4. I no longer worry about my soul because I
have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.
Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
5. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are
actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
feathers.
6. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even
though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day
7. I have learned that my prayers only get
answered if I forward an email to seven of my
friends and make a wish within five minutes.
8. I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.
9. I no longer can buy gasoline without taking
someone along to watch the car so a serial killer
won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
10. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr.. Pepper since
the people who make these products are atheists who
refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans .
11. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave
because it causes cancer.
12. I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my
face...disfiguring me for life.
13. I no longer check the coin return on pay
phones because I could be pricked with an infected
needle.
14. I no longer go to shopping malls because
someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob
me.
15. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx
since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
16. I no longer shop at Target since they are
French and don't support our American troops or the
Salvation Army.
17. I no longer answer the phone because someone
will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a
phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,
Singapore , and Uzbekistan
18. I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman
Marcus since I now have their recipe.
19. I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
big brown African spider is lurking under the seat
to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
20. I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the
parking lot because it probably was placed there by
a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my
leg..
21. I can no longer drive my car because I can't
buy gas from certain gas companies!
** If you don't send this e-mail to at least
144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove
with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM
this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will
infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.
I know this will occur because it actually happened
to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beautician...
Have a wonderful day