Oh, But I digress..

[CarolSells]

TOTV peeps. Let's do the two things we do best. Tell stories and hijack threads! :posting: I'll start:

My friend and I were walking along the dock area at LSL (which I love because it looks like my favorite marina in Key West) when I turned suddenly and my flip flop..oh, that reminds me. Did I tell you that

[hollander]

Oh yes flip flops.... that reminds me of our congressman, who I saw yesterday with a much younger woman. Speaking of feeling younger.....

[CarolSells]

Well, just between you and me, of course, my neighbor heard that our other neighbor was fooling around with a younger guy who works for one of the landscaping companies which is really a front for gigiloes. So I guess that if you drive a gray truck

[hollander]

Well our neighbor, who between you and me, seems to live above his means, bought a new gray truck. Just yesterday he got a recall notice for his new truck and we could hear his wife yell at him that she wished that she would get a recall notice for him! speaking of recall.. I can't seem to recall where my

[CFrance]

Well our neighbor, who between you and me, seems to live above his means, bought a new gray truck. Just yesterday he got a recall notice for his new truck and we could hear his wife yell at him that she wished that she would get a recall notice for him! speaking of recall.. I can't seem to recall where my

iPhone went. I was going to use it to try to get my car keys back from the last swinger party I went to, where I ended up with someone's husband from Bonnybrook... or was it Winnigred? But I seem to have lost them when he brought me home, and now i don't even remember where the car is.

I really need to find these before my husband...

[CarolSells]

remembers where his bicycle is. Oh, wait, that was the punch line to a story our minister told us, and, let me tell you, that guy is chock full of human interest stories. It's always interesting to me to see my fellow humans

[angiefox10]

Getting back on topic of flip flops... Did I tell you about the new top I saw at Chico's in Spanish Spring? Matched my.... Oh wait... I'm pretty sure it was a store in LSL...

[CarolSells]

Yes, I was talking about the incident with my flip flop at LSL. So, anyway, someone's visiting spawn-of-the-devil grandchild (well I'm not sure but he looked like he was recently out of rehab) called out

[hollander]

called out " I am the one who stole your eight knobs!!!" Me and the Mrs were confused.. but got to thinking, maybe this has something to do with the sound system at our neighborhood pool which by the way is way too

[CarolSells]

way too loud and in fact, is soooo loud, that it distracts drivers in the nearby round-about and causes them to forget to blow their horns before they suddenly cut off the car in the lane next to them! Speaking of distracted

[Love2cruise]

Speaking of distracted, I was enjoying my glass of wine on my lanai & imagine my kissing lanai neighbors were on their lanai enjoying life and I took my glass of wine and

[CarolSells]

I took my glass of wine and headed in the direction of their lanai to join them. Just then, a guy selling meat from his car rounded the corner of my house! He had pork chops in one hand and, in the other,

[hollander]

in the other, he was holding six skinned Citrus Rats that are so easy to trap in the Villages. Now anyone who knows my family knows that I love to grill so the pork chops will be for me and the rats for my visiting mother in law. Speaking of mother in laws, my neighbor was sitting out on his lanai talking to his mother in law on the phone today, and of course the Mrs and me could hear every detail, and he told her, and I swear this is true, that he saw in the villages today a...

[jblum315]

that he saw in the villages today a man driving a tank - a real tank with howitzers

[CarolSells]

Holy howitzer, jblum! Grilled rats in The Villages? How come the feral cats don't eat the citrus rats? So I'm wondering, are tank tops

[hollander]

I saw that tank! I was outside installing our new security system and he drove right by our house! Now the odd thing is that on the back of that tank was a " I'm Ready For Hillary" bumper sticker! I wonder does that mean he is for Hillary or against? Well I gotta run, every day the neighbor lets his dog out and I have to make sure it doesn't poop in my yard!

[Love2cruise]

You should think twice about not letting that dog poop in your yard, I would start collecting it and on trash day I would put at the very top of my closed bag and when the trash thieves come

[kittygilchrist]

pick through my trash? Oops, I let my bad dog out...sorry about your leg, trash picker, but there is a bad dog sign in the window. Hey did you hear the one about the Senile Love Valentines Party? I heard they were planning to...

[graciegirl]

distracted. Oh yes. I think that this knob stealing is Freudian. I read a book once with good recipes for chowder.

[CarolSells]

Ah, yes, chowder, I was trying to eat my chowder at a restaurant the other evening (the one at Brownwood with the name that rhymes with Witty Hire) when a couple came inside to the hostess podium. They were either looking for a table for dinner or a place to board the dog she was carrying. They turned and walked out which was great because it saved me from lodging a complaint. I'm starting a twelve step group for

[graciegirl]

Ah, yes, chowder, I was trying to eat my chowder at a restaurant the other evening (the one at Brownwood with the name that rhymes with Witty Hire) when a couple came inside to the hostess podium. They were either looking for a table for dinner or a place to board the dog she was carrying. They turned and walked out which was great because it saved me from lodging a complaint. I'm starting a twelve step group for



trying to be patient with moderators who pick up your post and put it down somewhere where it makes no sense, I think some of their knobs are missing. Which reminds me of where did I put my glasses. How do we choose glass frames that make us look young and sexy instead of

[CarolSells]

I'm also having a problem finding frames that don't make me look like one of those "boys don't make passes at girls who were glasses" girls. Who could show up at the Singles Valentine's party looking like that? Actually, I was planning on wearing only

[hollander]

wearing only my heart on my sleeve. I am feeling hopeful for this Valentines Day! I heard from my neighbor Bernie, that I could swap my wife if I dressed her in a light blue shirt. Well I dressed her in a light blue shirt, with matching shoes, and set her on a folding chair in the driveway. I have not had anyone stop by yet but the Mrs does smile at all the passing cars like I told her to. If that doesn't work I can throw in a couple of Bingo Tickets. Yesterday I managed to get over 40 tickets by being first in line. A old man like me can get a surprising number of favors from the ladies with those tickets! Well I gotta run I think I heard someone honk at the Mrs. Hmmmm where are my flip flops

[graciegirl]

wearing only my heart on my sleeve. I am feeling hopeful for this Valentines Day! I heard from my neighbor Bernie, that I could swap my wife if I dressed her in a light blue shirt. Well I dressed her in a light blue shirt, with matching shoes, and set her on a folding chair in the driveway. I have not had anyone stop by yet but the Mrs does smile at all the passing cars like I told her to. If that doesn't work I can throw in a couple of Bingo Tickets. Yesterday I managed to get over 40 tickets by being first in line. A old man like me can get a surprising number of favors from the ladies with those tickets! Well I gotta run I think I heard someone honk at the Mrs. Hmmmm where are my flip flops



OMG. I can't breathe or type. You are so funny Hollander. Carry on everyone.

[graciegirl]

wearing only my heart on my sleeve. I am feeling hopeful for this Valentines Day! I heard from my neighbor Bernie, that I could swap my wife if I dressed her in a light blue shirt. Well I dressed her in a light blue shirt, with matching shoes, and set her on a folding chair in the driveway. I have not had anyone stop by yet but the Mrs does smile at all the passing cars like I told her to. If that doesn't work I can throw in a couple of Bingo Tickets. Yesterday I managed to get over 40 tickets by being first in line. A old man like me can get a surprising number of favors from the ladies with those tickets! Well I gotta run I think I heard someone honk at the Mrs. Hmmmm where are my flip flops




That blue shirt idea must have worked, I caught Sweetie going out for golf in a blue shirt and I told him if he tried to wear one again people would think he was a bowler, which reminds me......

[Nlnicholson]

Of what my Daddy told me ...Getting strikes is like lining up a great date, you need a smooth approach and terrific follow through. Ohhh, man, are there any crop circles in this cornfield? Lemme outta here!!!

[kittygilchrist]

It was like a maize in that cornfield! I was lost for hours, yelling for help till my voice was husky and my ears were ringing. I'd give anything for a good meal, like kernel Sanders, even a stalk of celery...
and then I heard..

[Nlnicholson]

...about a farmer who crossed a sponge with a potato the other day.
Didn't taste too good, but it sure did soak up a lot of gravy. Now that gravy train...

[graciegirl]

...about a farmer who crossed a sponge with a potato the other day.
Didn't taste too good, but it sure did soak up a lot of gravy. Now that gravy train...



the one in Washington or the one for dogs, which reminds me of our cat Mikey. He asked me where kittens came from and how do you tell a fella that was neutered at three months that he will never.........

[jblum315]

the one in Washington or the one for dogs, which reminds me of our cat Mikey. He asked me where kittens came from and how do you tell a fella that was neutered at three months that he will never.........

Tell him if at first you don't succeed, try, try again

[Nlnicholson]

If at first you don't succeed, give up. No use being a damn fool...

[kittygilchrist]

What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?

[Nlnicholson]

Dam

[graciegirl]

Dam



The Torpedoes, full speed ahead.


But not in your golf cart or they will issue you a citation that says........

[Nlnicholson]

he was driving his golf cart on a public roadway without a clue of how to get through the tunnels on his way to Brownwood. He began wondering whether the days of getting around by golf cart will be over. And over at Publix they were having a buy one get one free on ....

[graciegirl]

condoms.

[Nlnicholson]

If you think ketchup is king of American condiments, think again.

[Villages PL]

If you think ketchup is king of American condiments, think again.

Mustard is king and ketchup is queen!

[graciegirl]

If you think ketchup is king of American condiments, think again.

:eclipsee_gold_cup: LOL

Actually Mayonnaise is better on chicken sandwiches and that is the reason I am sure that The mayor of Toronto and Justin Bieber will get along. Because they both like to..................

[Nlnicholson]

Crack jokes on TOTV.

[kittygilchrist]

I don't know how one can crack a joke. I can crack crab and peanuts and ribs when doing cpr...but I always forget the punch line which you probly should know for telling a joke, like, a rope walked into a bar....

[kittygilchrist]

and asked the bartender for a vodka tonic.
bartender: we don't serve ropes.
rope: okay then...
rope leaves the bar....

[kittygilchrist]

Rope goes in the parking lot, asks a a Harley rider to tie him in a knot and frazzle the ends..rope goes back in the bar, sits down, barkeep says: what would you like.
Rope: a vodka tonic.
Barkeep: Say aren't you that rope that was just in here....

[kittygilchrist]

Rope: Nope, I'm a frayed knot.

[Lovey2]

Had a frayed knot on my warms ups...got it stuck in the pantry drawer looking for pests, but still can't find my glasses. What ARE these flashers.....

[kittygilchrist]

Ah, yes, chowder, I was trying to eat my chowder at a restaurant the other evening (the one at Brownwood with the name that rhymes with Witty Hire) when a couple came inside to the hostess podium. They were either looking for a table for dinner or a place to board the dog she was carrying. They turned and walked out which was great because it saved me from lodging a complaint. I'm starting a twelve step group for

///

[kittygilchrist]

Had a frayed knot on my warms ups...got it stuck in the pantry drawer looking for pests, but still can't find my glasses. What ARE these flashers.....

Doing in my hot tub?

[Lovey2]

and swinging from my palm trees?? Don't they know not to feed the birds...and bees...

[Nlnicholson]

So, they left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

[kittygilchrist]

So, they left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

Susanne parked her new Ram hemi, taking up two spaces...and walked in to the bistro, a little irritated that the rain puddles could not be avoided. She looked down at her black, studded cowboy boots.

[Nlnicholson]

Thinking that she shoulda worn a hat. One that wouldn't make her

[graciegirl]

Thinking that she shoulda worn a hat. One that wouldn't make her



look like Dale Evans, but she jumped over a puddle and thought of how her dog hadn't had a new dress in months, that made her remember that....

[Barefoot]

look like Dale Evans, but she jumped over a puddle and thought of how her dog hadn't had a new dress in months, that made her remember that....

The puddle made her remember that she was due for water aerobics with F16. But he couldn't play any music because his knobs had been stolen by .....

[Nlnicholson]

The gang of Citrus Rats and Feral Cats. Isn't there a new band that plays on Thursday down at

[CarolSells]

There"s a new band that plays down at the Hop On In Bar. I was sitting there in my Dale Evans outfit wondering if anyone made flip flops that could pass for cowgirl boots when the entertainment started. Three black bears came out on stage. They had stuff hanging all over their fur and I wondered if they were the bears on the news who had been going through trash. The strangest item was

[kittygilchrist]

the battered blue cowboy hat that the little bear was wearing, backwards. Cute. From behind I could barely read the script on the front of it:
Jesus
Loves Me
Never envied a hat on a bear before but I just had to have that hat, after all it was not stolen really, it was garbage...so..

[Nlnicholson]

When the neighbors threw it in their trash, I waited until it was dark and took the bag from their driveway. Really, it's not stealing, it's more like

[TheVillageChicken]

repurposing. Speaking of porpoises, has anyone ever

[jblum315]

has anyone ever been upset by seeing dolphin on the menu?

[Lovey2]

liberating an item or reassigning ownership. Which reminds me

[hollander]

liberating an item or reassigning ownership. Which reminds me ....The Mrs had a great day yesterday! The villagers sure do get the signal when you wear the light blue shirt! My best offer for the Mrs was a John Deere riding lawn mower and a three year old golden retriever! I don't need the mower but the golden seemed to take to me right away! I just need the Mrs back before the grandkids get here next month. I think they would love the golden but miss their Grams...

[graciegirl]

liberating an item or reassigning ownership. Which reminds me


being liberated, there is a rumor going around that when you move here you have to burn your bra, but maybe it was don't burn your trash, I heard this from my neighbor who got an email from someone in her Mah Jongh group who also told her that.....

[Nlnicholson]

I think the burn comes from the dinner I had last night at

[CarolSells]

The email told her to send $1000.00 in the form of a cashier's check to an address in Nigeria because a long lost relative had died and left her a lovely set if pearl-handled steak knives and flip flops made of gnu sinews. Speaking of news, I overhead a convo in the puzzle closet yesterday about a heartburn remedy that uses

[graciegirl]

I think the burn comes from the dinner I had last night at



Hilda's, she never could cook,


but boy can she boogie, which reminds me, do you think you can learn to play the piano and the saxophone at the same time, someone told me that they were giving lessons over at the......

[Nlnicholson]

The piano would be easy but since my dentures are bothering me, it's harder with the saxophone. I sure could use a good dentist under my United Healthcare plan. Anyone know the way to the new

[TheVillageChicken]

The piano would be easy but since my dentures are bothering me, it's harder with the saxophone. I sure could use a good dentist under my United Healthcare plan. Anyone know the way to the new

The New Christy Minstrels concert? Their hit, Gotta Quit Kicking My Service Dog Around reminds me of the time we all got

[CarolSells]

..reminds me of the time we all had to get tested for an STD after riding the trolley bus in The Villages. Maybe you read about that incident in The Orlando paper. It was on page three right under the story about

[graciegirl]

..reminds me of the time we all had to get tested for an STD after riding the trolley bus in The Villages. Maybe you read about that incident in The Orlando paper. It was on page three right under the story about



Several Liberals located in The Villages by Lorene Poorey? There are so many things in the paper and news these days that give you pause, did you read that Elvis was spotted at Laurel Manor and he was trying to hang a .....................

[Nlnicholson]

Gold lame jacket on the coat hook. After he left, I rummaged through his pockets for a piece of memorabilia. Great Balls of Fire, I found

[kittygilchrist]

///

[graciegirl]

A Jerry Lee Lewis CD case with Great Ball of Fire in it. They must've come off during that mammogram-like procedure they use for examining male parts. No wonder Elvis abused drugs. or maybe they were Jerry Lee's, I wouldn't know.



But this all makes me think of Italian Cooking and how few restaurants outside of Italian Communities know how to cook Sauerbraten, I was enjoying a glass of wine at TooJays and someone came up to me and asked..........

[Barefoot]

..reminds me of the time we all had to get tested for an STD after riding the trolley bus in The Villages. Maybe you read about that incident in The Orlando paper. It was on page three right under the story about

A newbie in a roundabout who stopped to read a map and caused ...

[graciegirl]

A newbie in a roundabout who stopped to read a map and caused ...


All of the people within site to blow their horns which always HELPS a situation by making people want to smack, but this newbie, just got out and shoved the map...................

[TheVillageChicken]

But this all makes me think of Italian Cooking and how few restaurants outside of Italian Communities know how to cook Sauerbraten, I was enjoying a glass of wine at TooJays and someone came up to me and asked..........

asked me why I was in their seat drinking their wine. Thinking quickly, I pointed at a random stranger and said, "Look!" As it turned out, the stranger suffered from paranoia and........

[graciegirl]

asked me why I was in their seat drinking their wine. Thinking quickly, I pointed at a random stranger and said, "Look!" As it turned out, the stranger suffered from paranoia and........



the random stranger said in a deep scary voice. "I love chicken with wine".


Which reminds me of how I was always chicken when someone threw a ball at me and never got picked for a team, but I found out later that I was good at making chicken and noodles. My noodle for the pool got all...............