Funny...

[Donna]

Subject: The Polite Way to Pee


During one of her daily classes, a teacher, trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."http://www.millan.net/minimations/smileys/groansmileyf.gif (http://www.millan.net)

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word 'bathroom' at the dinner table.http://www.millan.net/minimations/smileys/no.gif (http://www.millan.net)

And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?

I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, to whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner."http://www.millan.net/minimations/smileys/fingerscrossed.gif (http://www.millan.net)

http://www.millan.net/minimations/smileys/flabbergasted.gif (http://www.millan.net)The teacher fainted

[redwitch]

roflao

[Taltarzac]

I wonder what the statistics are on first dates and reaching home base. :joke:

[nONIE]

OMG!!!! :redface: :redface: :redface:

[KathieI]

:o Donna!!! :o

I am soo shocked!!!

But, :a20:

Great early morning giggle ;D

Kathie :redface:

[nONIE]

Kath,

Late morning giggle for us!

[KathieI]

Oops! Always forget the time diff :dontknow: Duh!

Thanks, Nonie

It still was a good giggle even though I was shocked :redface:

[handieman]

HI! My name is Edward ;D
Handie :joke:

[KathieI]

Handie (aka lil Edward)

How come I'm not shocked :o at that!???

But, the #1 question is, do you ever date "nice young women"???

Have a good day! ::)

Kath :redface:

[Donna]

I wonder what the statistics are on first dates and reaching home base. :joke:


Tal..Ya gotta ask Handi that one...http://www.millan.net/minimations/smileys/didisaythat.gif (http://www.millan.net)

[KathieI]

Ummmm, let me guess.

I bet the stats on that would be 100% (or at least 98%) for Mr. H, don't you agree Donna?

[Donna]

Kathi,
I am NOT touching that one...http://www.millan.net/minimations/smileys/embarrassed.gif (http://www.millan.net)

[redwitch]

I am NOT touching that one

I really hope that was pun intended. :dontknow: :joke: :dontknow:

[l2ridehd]

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Toot, the
wonder dog, at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me
asked if I had a dog. On impulse on this stupid question, I told her no,
I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again.

Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pocke ts with Purina nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally
complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
poisoned me.

I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff up this cute Irish Setter and a
car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was
laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore!!!

[nONIE]

Red, you are a riot!!!!!!!!!! ;D LOL LOL

[ejp52]

First-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one of her students.. The teacher asked, 'Boy. what is your problem?'

Boy. answered, 'I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!'

Ms. Neelam had enough. She took Boy to the principal's office.

While Boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.


The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.


Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Boy.: '9'.

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Boy.: '36'.

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, 'I think the boy can go to the third-grade.'


Ms Neelam says to the principal, 'I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him ?'


The principal and Boy. both agree. Ms Neelam asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of ?'

Boy., after a moment 'Legs.'

Ms Neelam: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

Boy.: 'Pockets.'

Ms Neelam: 'What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?'

Boy.: 'Coconut'

Ms Neelam: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?'

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy. Was taking charge.

Boy.: 'Bubblegum'

Ms Neelam: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...

Boy.: 'Shake hands'

Ms Neelam: 'Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?'

Boy.: 'Yep.'

Ms Neelam: 'You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.'

Boy.: 'Tent'

Ms Neelam: 'A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.'

The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.

Boy.: 'Wedding Ring'

Ms Neelam: 'I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.'


Boy.: 'Nose'

Ms Neelam: 'I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.'

Boy.: 'Arrow'

Ms Neelam: 'What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement?'


Boy.: 'Fire truck'

Ms Neelam: 'What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it u have to use ur hand.'


Boy.: 'Fork'

Ms Neelam: 'What is it that all men have one of its longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?'

Boy.: 'SURNAME'

Ms Neelam: 'What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love?'


Boy.: 'HEART.'


The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, 'Send this Boy. to Harvard University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!' :redface: :joke:

[handieman]

[center]I refuse to answer on the grounds that the answer would incriminate me. Glad Donna opted to not "touch" and no I don't date younger women butt I'll dance them around the bases.[center]
[center]Handie :joke:

[beartrack1]

There was this couple that were involved in a terrible automobile accident. She was not hurt too badly, just some minor cuts and bruises. His injuries were much more serious, the worst being his face, it was badly burned. The doctors said that in order to make his face normal again he would need skin grafts. Because of his other injuries they could not use his skin. His wife volunteered to use her skin. The doctors said because of the amount and the quality of the skin needed they could only use the skin from her behind. She agreed and the operation was performed successfully. When the bandage was removed the result was perfect.

About a month later, the man said to his wife, honey, I have been thinking about what you did for me and I just can not find the words to thank you enough, she replied, honey, no thanks are necessary, I get all the thanks that I will ever need everytime your mother comes over and kisses you on the cheek !!!!!

[The Great Fumar]

Jan & tony
How did you let that one through ????? It wasn't funny when I first heard it 40 years ago and it still isn't ...
Maybe we need a taste tester ???
embarrassed Fumar

[tony]

If judging the quality of jokes was a criteria around here,
we would have not only removed some posts, but also sent
people to remove some members computers from their homes.

::)

[DickY]

Senior personal ads

FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"),
searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and
belt a plus.


LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking
for someone to round out a six-unit plot.
Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation.
If you are the silent type, let's get together,
take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser
to share rare steaks,
corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock,
still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair,
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

[nONIE]

Dicky,

These are exceptionally funny, laughed until I cried because there is some element of truth to it all! 1rnfl :'(

[The Great Fumar]

Tony
Now THATS funny !!!!!

Fumar

[Donna]

Tony...That was a good one..http://www.millan.net/minimations/smileys/coffeescreen.gif (http://www.millan.net)


Dicky..Funny..funny..funny...http://www.millan.net/minimations/smileys/teehee2.gif (http://www.millan.net)

[jht]

Two men are sitting at the bar atop the Empire State Building, drinking too much. One turns to the other and says: "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the building is so intense that it carries you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender justs shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar, but says nothing.

The second guy says, "What? Are you insane? There's no way in hell that could happen!"

"No,it's true," said the first man, "let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. He meets the second man, who is astonished.

"You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must've been a one-time fluke. That was scientifically impossible!"

"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man, and jumps. Again, just as his body hurtles towards the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him aound the building and into the window. He takes the elevator back to the bar. Once upstairs, he successfully urges his dubious fellow drinker to try it.

"Well, what the heck," the second guy says, "I've seen that it works, so I'll try it!" He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, rapidly passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors...and his body hits the sidewalk with a loud splat.

Back upstairs, the bartender who has been silent the whole time turns to the first drinker, shakes his head, and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jackass when you drink."

[Donna]

http://www.millan.net/minimations/smileys/coffeescreen.gif (http://www.millan.net)
That was a good one...
http://www.millan.net/minimations/smileys/laugh3.gif (http://www.millan.net)

[Barefoot]

jht, :a20: Feels good to laugh out loud, thanks!

[redwitch]

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls..


They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

"THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR"


The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR"


The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week!
You could learn a lot from him."



They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,

"THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR"



The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."


The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

The husband's condition has been upgraded, from critical to stable......
he should eventually make a full recovery.

[Barefoot]

jht - Just read your Superman joke to my company, got a hearty laugh. :bigthumbsup:
Hadn't heard it before. Thanks for contributing something a little weird.

[silvertoken]

www.youtube.com/watch?v=WkBepgH00GM