Quixote
12-29-2015, 10:54 PM
Some wiseacre from elsewhere just sent this, and here are a few comments back (underlined in bold). Maybe the message got through? Hmmm....
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When giving directions in Florida, you must always start with the words, "Take I-75," "Take I-4," or "Take I-95."
When crossing the border into Florida, forget all driving rules you ever knew.
Make sure you have your passport....
If you're a snowbird or a non-working retiree, you absolutely cannot drive between the hours of 6 A.M. to 10 A.M. and 4 P.M. to 7 P.M. This is considered to be RUSH HOUR and you are not in any rush. NO EXCEPTIONS. But you will drive anyway.
If you call it "driving"....
Freeways can only go north and south, not east and west (except for Alligator Alley).
"You can't [excuse me, "cain't") get there from here....
Tolls are a fact of life; the state has to make money, so deal with it!
You tourists support us, you realize. That's how we have no state income tax!
Flip-flops, tank tops, and baggy shorts are also known as business casual. Plaids and stripes of different colors at the same time are the norm.
"Business"? What business? We're retired--well, mostly!
I-275 (Tampa area) will always be under construction; that's the law, and there is nothing anyone can do about it, period!
Actually true in lots of places. And for this we don't wait for you to come....
'A1A' and 'Alt. A1A' are the same road.
Don't ask....
Traffic lights are not timed--and never will be.
If you travel more than 20 miles on any road in any part of Florida without seeing an orange barricade, you're lost!
If you miss your exit on I-75, I-4, or I-275, it�s perfectly acceptable to BACK UP (but don�t try this on I-95)!
The only person I saw making a U-turn on a traffic circle had out-of-state plates (not saying, though)!
Every street in Florida has both a name and a number (i.e., Adamo = Route 60) just for the heck of it--and also for the pleasure we get from reaction of visitors when we give them directions.
And if you think this is confusing, check out Marion County, where you can have an address like "99999 SW Budweiser 999th Street Avenue Road"!
Once the light turns green, only three cars can go through the intersection, eight more go through on yellow, and four more on red.
We are slower than most, except when we're not....
Know the difference between SunPass, SunFest, Sun-Sentinel, and SunTrust.
Frankly I'm not even sure that I know the difference! And what difference does it make anyway?
Your car's signal blinker means nothing. It should be left on at all times.
No "should." It IS left on at all times!
English is our first AND second language.
Lucky us....
It is perfectly acceptable to brag about the size of your emergency generator.
Don't even go there!
We have alligators here in Florida and they WILL bite you. Don't be stupid and try to feed or pet one.
Don't try to retrieve golf balls from a water trap either....
When a hurricane is headed our way, even though you have advance warning and you are told to be prepared, you're not a true Floridian unless you wait until the absolute last minute to go to Home Depot to pick up plywood or to Publix to stock up water, ice, and potato chips.
Just like up north when there's a forecast of snow flurries and the supermarket is mobbed with people buying a six-month supply of toilet paper....
You know how to spell Okeechobee. There is an Okeechobee lake, town, county, boulevard, street, and avenue.
A good name deserves constant repetition, even those you can't spell.
A true Floridian does NOT own a boat. They make friends with someone who already owns one. That way you don't have to deal with any of the headaches or costs.
Chances are you weren't born here. If you were, you're angry that anyone else has moved here.
There's always a Walgreens across the street from a CVS on nearly every corner--with more being built every day. The same goes for banks.
Buy stock!
When picking up a woman on South Beach, always check to make sure there�s no Adam�s apple.
Don't even go there either....
It's normal to sweat when you are putting up your holiday decorations.
Where else can you find perspiring plastic snowpeople?
In south Florida the four seasons are summer, summer, summer, and summer.
Still better than snow. At least everything is A/Ced!
There is a community called The Villages where over 100,000 old people live that all drive golf carts and dance in the streets. About 65% of these people are swingers; the rest just got too old to care about it. (They have the highest number of cases of VD/STD in the USA!)
And we're PROUD! And even though STD statistics are kept by county, not by community, it's true that one year the number of one of them DOUBLED (meaning there were four cases that year, up from two the previous year...).
Jupiter is a city, not a planet.
Only in Florida.
Seniors have to do their errands during the weekdays--not weeknights or weekends. That's for the working folks.
There are three types of dolphins: Flipper, mahi-mahi, and a football team.
YUM!
You can't say �This is how we did it up north.� If you think that way, then go back up north and do it that way. Just remember I-95 and I-75 run both ways.
No matter what they decide in Tallahassee, you will never, ever be able to figure out your property taxes.
Learn how to dress in layers. It will be 95 degrees outside--but inside any restaurant or business it's 65 degrees.
True!
With the slightest hint of a hurricane, your house insurance will be canceled.
The biggest Asian pythons are in the Everglades.
How reassuring....
You want to live on a lake? Dig a hole.
They put in the required catchment basins--and call them "premium view lots." Ha! Gotcha!
Early bird dinners start at 4:00, but be there at 3:00. Always have plastic bags in your purse or pocket for the packets of sugar, Splenda, additional servings from the buffet, etc.
Don't even go there too....
True Floridians rarely go to the local beach except in Miami. There they can be recognized by their tobacco-colored leather skin.
Don't think of going to Boca unless you are wearing at least one piece of gold lame'.
Always be observant of cars backing through store windows or into canals and swimming pools.
Or cars backing out of parking spots into cars on their way out of the parking lot....
Note that most cars are driven by headless drivers. When seen, the head always has white (or no) hair and oversized, black wrap-around sunglasses.
This would be even funnier if it weren't so true!
And we're here!!!
-------------------------------------------------
When giving directions in Florida, you must always start with the words, "Take I-75," "Take I-4," or "Take I-95."
When crossing the border into Florida, forget all driving rules you ever knew.
Make sure you have your passport....
If you're a snowbird or a non-working retiree, you absolutely cannot drive between the hours of 6 A.M. to 10 A.M. and 4 P.M. to 7 P.M. This is considered to be RUSH HOUR and you are not in any rush. NO EXCEPTIONS. But you will drive anyway.
If you call it "driving"....
Freeways can only go north and south, not east and west (except for Alligator Alley).
"You can't [excuse me, "cain't") get there from here....
Tolls are a fact of life; the state has to make money, so deal with it!
You tourists support us, you realize. That's how we have no state income tax!
Flip-flops, tank tops, and baggy shorts are also known as business casual. Plaids and stripes of different colors at the same time are the norm.
"Business"? What business? We're retired--well, mostly!
I-275 (Tampa area) will always be under construction; that's the law, and there is nothing anyone can do about it, period!
Actually true in lots of places. And for this we don't wait for you to come....
'A1A' and 'Alt. A1A' are the same road.
Don't ask....
Traffic lights are not timed--and never will be.
If you travel more than 20 miles on any road in any part of Florida without seeing an orange barricade, you're lost!
If you miss your exit on I-75, I-4, or I-275, it�s perfectly acceptable to BACK UP (but don�t try this on I-95)!
The only person I saw making a U-turn on a traffic circle had out-of-state plates (not saying, though)!
Every street in Florida has both a name and a number (i.e., Adamo = Route 60) just for the heck of it--and also for the pleasure we get from reaction of visitors when we give them directions.
And if you think this is confusing, check out Marion County, where you can have an address like "99999 SW Budweiser 999th Street Avenue Road"!
Once the light turns green, only three cars can go through the intersection, eight more go through on yellow, and four more on red.
We are slower than most, except when we're not....
Know the difference between SunPass, SunFest, Sun-Sentinel, and SunTrust.
Frankly I'm not even sure that I know the difference! And what difference does it make anyway?
Your car's signal blinker means nothing. It should be left on at all times.
No "should." It IS left on at all times!
English is our first AND second language.
Lucky us....
It is perfectly acceptable to brag about the size of your emergency generator.
Don't even go there!
We have alligators here in Florida and they WILL bite you. Don't be stupid and try to feed or pet one.
Don't try to retrieve golf balls from a water trap either....
When a hurricane is headed our way, even though you have advance warning and you are told to be prepared, you're not a true Floridian unless you wait until the absolute last minute to go to Home Depot to pick up plywood or to Publix to stock up water, ice, and potato chips.
Just like up north when there's a forecast of snow flurries and the supermarket is mobbed with people buying a six-month supply of toilet paper....
You know how to spell Okeechobee. There is an Okeechobee lake, town, county, boulevard, street, and avenue.
A good name deserves constant repetition, even those you can't spell.
A true Floridian does NOT own a boat. They make friends with someone who already owns one. That way you don't have to deal with any of the headaches or costs.
Chances are you weren't born here. If you were, you're angry that anyone else has moved here.
There's always a Walgreens across the street from a CVS on nearly every corner--with more being built every day. The same goes for banks.
Buy stock!
When picking up a woman on South Beach, always check to make sure there�s no Adam�s apple.
Don't even go there either....
It's normal to sweat when you are putting up your holiday decorations.
Where else can you find perspiring plastic snowpeople?
In south Florida the four seasons are summer, summer, summer, and summer.
Still better than snow. At least everything is A/Ced!
There is a community called The Villages where over 100,000 old people live that all drive golf carts and dance in the streets. About 65% of these people are swingers; the rest just got too old to care about it. (They have the highest number of cases of VD/STD in the USA!)
And we're PROUD! And even though STD statistics are kept by county, not by community, it's true that one year the number of one of them DOUBLED (meaning there were four cases that year, up from two the previous year...).
Jupiter is a city, not a planet.
Only in Florida.
Seniors have to do their errands during the weekdays--not weeknights or weekends. That's for the working folks.
There are three types of dolphins: Flipper, mahi-mahi, and a football team.
YUM!
You can't say �This is how we did it up north.� If you think that way, then go back up north and do it that way. Just remember I-95 and I-75 run both ways.
No matter what they decide in Tallahassee, you will never, ever be able to figure out your property taxes.
Learn how to dress in layers. It will be 95 degrees outside--but inside any restaurant or business it's 65 degrees.
True!
With the slightest hint of a hurricane, your house insurance will be canceled.
The biggest Asian pythons are in the Everglades.
How reassuring....
You want to live on a lake? Dig a hole.
They put in the required catchment basins--and call them "premium view lots." Ha! Gotcha!
Early bird dinners start at 4:00, but be there at 3:00. Always have plastic bags in your purse or pocket for the packets of sugar, Splenda, additional servings from the buffet, etc.
Don't even go there too....
True Floridians rarely go to the local beach except in Miami. There they can be recognized by their tobacco-colored leather skin.
Don't think of going to Boca unless you are wearing at least one piece of gold lame'.
Always be observant of cars backing through store windows or into canals and swimming pools.
Or cars backing out of parking spots into cars on their way out of the parking lot....
Note that most cars are driven by headless drivers. When seen, the head always has white (or no) hair and oversized, black wrap-around sunglasses.
This would be even funnier if it weren't so true!
And we're here!!!