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View Full Version : You think English is easy???


Halle
02-24-2010, 10:27 PM
Try to explain to someone learning the English language the following.

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row...

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
******************
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this .

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is 'UP'

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP ? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP ? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report ?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning.. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP. To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain , we say it is clouding UP .. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP ...

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for a while, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP , for now my time is UP , so........it is time to shut UP !


:laugh:

Pturner
02-24-2010, 11:10 PM
No wonder English majors are so smart! Right, Tony? :throwtomatoes:

tony
02-25-2010, 07:06 AM
Where in the name of all that is good is Boomer when you really need her?

And, turner, I wouldn't get too UPpity about English majors in this thread. In a group they can frown a lot and get pretty stern, right Boomer?

graciegirl
02-25-2010, 07:26 AM
This place is rife with English majors. No wait. Is rife the right word? What does rife mean?? Oh Boy Howdy.


Give me a T.
Give me an O.
Give me a N...or is it AN N.....
Give me a Y.


Insecure Gracie.

tony
02-25-2010, 07:39 AM
And now I have two Cincinnati girls hounding me over English. Good grief.

It wound be "an N," by the way, or so I have been told.

islandgal
02-25-2010, 09:18 AM
I plead guilty (?) to being one.............

Halle - I love your "You think English is easy"

Pturner
02-25-2010, 10:39 AM
Where in the name of all that is good is Boomer when you really need her?

And, turner, I wouldn't get too UPpity about English majors in this thread. In a group they can frown a lot and get pretty stern, right Boomer?

I love English majors! Some of my best friends are English majors.

Defensive pturner

Boomer
02-27-2010, 10:37 AM
Where in the name of all that is good is Boomer when you really need her?

And, turner, I wouldn't get too UPpity about English majors in this thread. In a group they can frown a lot and get pretty stern, right Boomer?

I have heard a rumor that Mr. Tony is thinking about adding a special forum just for English majors. I have reason to believe that this is yet another of his dastardly plots to try to get all the English majors to show up in one convenient location -- all the better for Mr. Tony to besmirch them. One-stop besmirching.

I feel that Mr. Tony must be advised that his plot will never work. What's he thinking? How can he possibly think it would be so easy?

I have no idea why Mr. Tony keeps on insisting that I am an English major. And just to prove that I am not, I am going to help him by giving him some advice on how to trap English majors...

:024:

Dear Mr. Tony, Mr. Admin, Sir:

First of all, forget about something so blatantly obvious as starting a forum called "English Majors." Geez. English majors are not attracted to the blatantly obvious.

If you want to trap English majors, start a golf forum. Did I hear you say, "Huh?" (I was not sure where the question mark should go on that one.)

Here's how the new plot will work...

It will not be long before English majors start to show up in the golf forum. They will try to blend in with the others for a while, but eventually they will start talking among themselves.

Just you wait, Mr. Tony, just you wait. And watch.

Just wait and watch. Sooner, rather than later, the English majors will start saying things like, "Ohhhh, it is just so true what Mark Twain supposedly said,’Golf is a good walk spoiled.'”

And then, even though English majors are almost always really nice people, you will find that there will be a truly tedious one among them who tries to crank it up a notch. That one will try to trump all the others’ quotes by throwing in one not as well known. That particularly haughty English major will announce to everyone that Mark Twain also said, "It is good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling." (And you just watch closely, because this one will call him Samuel Langhorne Clemens.)

Then all the other English majors will want to change the subject so they will begin waxing poetic about the green, green grass of the golf course. That’s when the haughty one will start speaking in Latin.

In desperation to distract the haughty one from speaking Latin, one of those nice English majors will throw herself under the bus by making the leap from talking about the beauty of the golf course grass to going on and on about Walt Whitman's "Leaves of Grass." – And this is where you getum, Mr. Tony, because once they start talking about that one, everybody else in the golf forum, and maybe everybody else throughout all of TOTVland, will fall fast asleep. A deep, deep sleep. Only the English majors will remain awake.

And finally, Mr. Tony, you can holler, “Aha!” and get it right.

(If this does not convince you to start a golf forum, nothing will.)

And, Mr. Tony, I still cannot figure out why you think I am an English major. Here I am trying to help you with your plot to catch them all, once and for all. And besides, I sure do not know nuthin’ ‘bout all that English major talk.

Sincerely and helpfully, but never blatantly obviously,
Boomer the Besmirched.

Halle
02-27-2010, 11:22 AM
Woe is me I'm the mother of an English/Creative Writing/MIS major, he speaks two languages I don't understand. What ever happened to the sweet little boy I gave birth to? It is so disheartening to have your email corrected. :(

Halle so not a English major.

graciegirl
02-27-2010, 11:31 AM
Woe is me I'm the mother of an English/Creative Writing/MIS major, he speaks two languages I don't understand. What ever happened to the sweet little boy I gave birth to? It is so disheartening to have your email corrected. :(

Halle so not a English major.

EVERYONE in my family is more literate than me/I/me.

Boomer
02-27-2010, 12:11 PM
Woe is me I'm the mother of an English/Creative Writing/MIS major, he speaks two languages I don't understand. What ever happened to the sweet little boy I gave birth to? It is so disheartening to have your email corrected. :(

Halle so not a English major.

Ohhhh, Halle, it could be so much worse. Everything is relative, you know.

Sometimes those English major types turn into linguistics majors. Aaaaaaauuuuuugh!!!!!! Keep an eye on him. Remain alert. Watch for the telltale signs that he has changed his major to linguistics. You might need to do an intervention if he starts talking about structure-trees and looking around for blackboards to draw them on. It is a sad thing to watch. Linguistics majors still think there are blackboards somewhere.

But wait! I saw that you said, "MIS." I am not sure what that means. If it means Masters of Information Systems, it sounds like it will all work out fine.

But just in case, maybe you should try to get him interested in the world of advertising. And sometimes English majors go to law school.

It probably will work out just fine. Please do not worry too much about him.

But he really needs to rethink that email correcting thing. I have written before about a friend of mine who is not only an English major, but an English teacher. (The most besmirched of all the English majors.) Anyway, in our younger days, when she was still single, she would sometimes go with her friends to one of those meet markets -- aka a bar.

She was a clever English major because she knew exactly what to do when some guy started hitting on her by asking, "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"

If she thought he was kinda cute, she would tell him her sign. (A lot of English majors are Libras I bet.) And she would wait for the next question which was usually, "What do you do?"

And at that point, she would say, "I work for the phone company." (I don't know why she picked the phone company, but she always said that.)

Of course, if she thought he was a jerk or a loser, she would just say, "I am an English teacher." She knew that would guarantee that he would flee or at least move down a couple of barstools.

Later on, with the ones she liked, she could get them so lured in with her way with words that when she told them finally that she was, indeed, an English teacher, they were so hopelessly smitten that they understood and forgave her. (She eventually married a guy who came to fix her furnace. And fix it he did. And they lived happily ever after.)

But I digress and now must go work some more on the tax stuff.

Boomer

tony
02-27-2010, 12:31 PM
I will now search for Golf majors.

:sigh:

and people who say they work for the phone company.

cashman
02-27-2010, 03:07 PM
I know an english major. I don't understand a word she says.

tony
02-27-2010, 08:35 PM
Did she say she was an English teacher?