Going to become a Step-Grandmother

[jayerose]

at the age of 63....I don't have grandchildren of my own and plan on marrying someone who has five of them.

We live in different states and before I meet them sometime in the future, I wanted to reach out to them by a letter introducing myself, etc.

Their previous step-grandma (passed away), it seems, did not want anything to do with them, thus keeping their grandfather to herself and away from them.

I do not want his grandchildren or their parents to believe that I will do the same.

Any suggestions?

They are all under the age of 16 so looking for something short and sweet.

thank you!

[bagboy]

Just mho, I doubt a letter of introduction will mean anything to a younger person. Just do what you do best, be yourself. When you meet them, let things happen as they may. Good luck.

[xkeowner]

Video conference with them. Keep it reasonably short for the young ones and let them know you look forward to meeting them in person. If it goes well, repeat occasionally until the actual meeting takes place.

[kathyspear]

I think it is a lovely idea to reach out to them in writing. Maybe a notecard with a few sentences saying you are looking forward to meeting and getting to know them. You could include a photo of you and their grandfather (or you and a pet, if you have one -- kids like animals) so they can put a face to the name. If grandpa is a FaceTimer or Zoomer, you could join him in a call at some point, as well.

Good luck.

kathy

[Two Bills]

Get gradndpa visiting, and just show interest.
Kids are smart. They know when a person is interested in them.
Just listen and let them come to you, and show you their world.
Do not push.
JMTC.

[Jayhawk]

at the age of 63....I don't have grandchildren of my own and plan on marrying someone who has five of them.

We live in different states and before I meet them sometime in the future, I wanted to reach out to them by a letter introducing myself, etc.

Their previous step-grandma (passed away), it seems, did not want anything to do with them, thus keeping their grandfather to herself and away from them.

I do not want his grandchildren or their parents to believe that I will do the same.

Any suggestions?

They are all under the age of 16 so looking for something short and sweet.

thank you!

Lose the name "step-grandmother" and become "bonus grandma". Kids will notice the difference.

[graciegirl]

How could ANYONE allow ANYBODY to stand between them and their grandchildren? I think you should meet them and their parents, before you tie the knot.

[Cupcake57]

at the age of 63....I don't have grandchildren of my own and plan on marrying someone who has five of them.

We live in different states and before I meet them sometime in the future, I wanted to reach out to them by a letter introducing myself, etc.

Their previous step-grandma (passed away), it seems, did not want anything to do with them, thus keeping their grandfather to herself and away from them.

I do not want his grandchildren or their parents to believe that I will do the same.




Any suggestions?

They are all under the age of 16 so looking for something short and sweet.



thank you!


Congratulations! First off-stop thinking of yourself or referring to yourself as a step grandmother-many many families have more than 2 grandmothers, and its no big deal. Be low key but warm and friendly and you'll blend in.

[Blueblaze]

Don't obsess over it. They're practically grown. It's unlikely they'll ever think of you as anything other than grandpa's new wife. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Look at it this way, at least when your step-kids never seem to have time to spend with you, you probably won't miss seeing your step-grandkids the way us regular grandparents do.

[DAVES]

at the age of 63....I don't have grandchildren of my own and plan on marrying someone who has five of them.

We live in different states and before I meet them sometime in the future, I wanted to reach out to them by a letter introducing myself, etc.

Their previous step-grandma (passed away), it seems, did not want anything to do with them, thus keeping their grandfather to herself and away from them.

I do not want his grandchildren or their parents to believe that I will do the same.

Any suggestions?

They are all under the age of 16 so looking for something short and sweet.

thank you!

My two cents worth. Somethings are better not done in a letter. A visit a phone call is far better, A problem with a letter and an e-mail you can only guess how it is received.
If, something is misunderstood, perhaps even found offensive by the reader your initial contact is negative.

Conflicts there are always conflicts. My wife, first and only. We were in our early 20's when we got married. Neither had anything. My net worth was negative numbers.
I could not imagine life without my wife. It does not mean we agree on everything.

Older newly weds both have done a lot of living far more than we did.

[Boomer]

I would probably not write a letter. I like the previously suggested idea of an introduction via Zoom or something like that. Most kids are used to talking with people on screens, especially because of the pandemic.

Don't try too hard. Just be pleasant. Keep it low-key and see where it goes. Let Grandpa lead the way on this one. It is most likely that the parents will have the biggest influence on the family relationships anyway.

And -- about that. . .

Please forgive me for the intrusiveness of what I am about to say here -- and I really do not want you to answer about this because it is absolutely none of my business, and it is not something you need to tell a bunch of strangers on a forum. . .

A prenup can be really important at this point in life when people usually bring assets into a later marriage. A prenup does not need to require that one would be willed nothing when the other one dies, but a good prenup can make things work out fairly for the couple and also for the family. I know a prenup is not the most romantic thing to talk about, but could be practical, especially when there are potential heirs from previous marriages.

Prenups are not just for the fabulously wealthy. They can cover a lot of details like "yours, mine, and ours" and stuff about the house, etc.

I can still hear a friend of my parents who had been widowed twice and was thinking about marrying for the third time at a rather senior age.

She was telling us about her second husband and said, "His family was always wonderful to me. They liked me. We had one of those. . .oh, you know what I mean. . .one of those things from our lawyers. . .I can't think of what they're called."

I answered, "Prenup?"

"That's it," she said, "and I am getting another one this time around."

Smart lady. :)

Boomer

[Nucky]

If you need a prenup you are marrying the wrong person!

Congratulations 🎉 New Grandma! My advice would be just let the relationship with the new grandchildren develop. Kids seem to like to have an adult who listens and responds to them honestly. They may take a written letter as a bit odd. It depends on the kids.

You’re going to be an excellent Grandma because your heart and head are into it already. Wishing you all the best.

[Taltarzac725]

Congrats!!! Take it slow and get to know the kids.

My younger brother passed in December of 2014 and then a woman he got pregnant in 1982 came looking for him via Facebook to get medical information. She had contacted my older brother in 2014 and he had to check her out first to see if she was on the up-and-up. By the time my older brother had assessed the situation my younger brother was gone. We took it slow learning about our new branch of the family and my mother's new grandchild and great grandchildren. And they ended up helping our other nieces, nephews and my Mom's other great grandchildren get jobs and the like. This all occurred out West.

Took a lot of exchanges of photos and the like and then also the family out west meeting the "new" members of the family.

I sent some fun post cards to kind of introduce myself to my new niece and grand niece and nephew.

at the age of 63....I don't have grandchildren of my own and plan on marrying someone who has five of them.

We live in different states and before I meet them sometime in the future, I wanted to reach out to them by a letter introducing myself, etc.

Their previous step-grandma (passed away), it seems, did not want anything to do with them, thus keeping their grandfather to herself and away from them.

I do not want his grandchildren or their parents to believe that I will do the same.

Any suggestions?

They are all under the age of 16 so looking for something short and sweet.

thank you!

[Tim C.]

pre-nups?

honestly after a certain age, I don't know why people (especially men) get married at all. not enough advantages that outweigh the pitfalls, especially financial ones, associated with marriages. if you really have to get a pre-nup, that alone is a bad sign. why bother? you can get all you wish without entangling your finances with someone else during your golden years.

i'm glad I'm married 30 years now and not "out there". but if I was, marriage would never be on the table. date me. see me. move in maybe. but no way am I getting married. nope nope nope

[Boomer]

pre-nups?

honestly after a certain age, I don't know why people (especially men) get married at all. not enough advantages that outweigh the pitfalls, especially financial ones, associated with marriages. if you really have to get a pre-nup, that alone is a bad sign. why bother? you can get all you wish without entangling your finances with someone else during your golden years.

i'm glad I'm married 30 years now and not "out there". but if I was, marriage would never be on the table. date me. see me. move in maybe. but no way am I getting married. nope nope nope

I, too, am happily married. When I met Mr. B, he had a '64 Plymouth Fury (rusty) -- and having just returned from being stationed in Okinawa, his other belongings consisted of 4 huge Pioneer speakers, a Garrard turntable, and a Seiko watch -- along with a lot of scuba gear. I had a Triumph GT6 and a few odds and ends of furniture. (When we got married, we used two of those Pioneer speakers for end tables in our living room.) So that was pretty much it. We had never heard of a prenup and there would have been no need anyway.

But what I am talking about, in general, in this thread, -- even though I jumped the track, sort of, is if someone wants to marry in later life, especially if there are families from previous marriages, it could be well worth looking into a prenup.

A prenup, or lack thereof, could have a positive or negative effect on family dynamics -- like what I referred to in my previous post where I quoted the family friend who thought hers helped the families to be more accepting. (This lady had a few bucks and was nobody's fool. The guy she was getting ready to marry was well set, too.)

I do agree with you that marrying later in life can really mess with finances. At this time, a new marriage can affect pensions and SS, along with accumulated investments and properties.

But -- I must take umbrage with that "(especially men)" thing you said. Guess what. Women have their own money -- money they have made with careers, money they have been good at investing, and women are even allowed to own property now. :)

And, don't forget that the "Live Close By, Visit Often" philosophy -- as K.T. Oslin sang about -- works just fine for many independent women. Move in? Well, that can work, too. But not a fast move.

The idea of prenups is far more nuanced than it appears on the surface. Sometimes people tend to knee-jerk react at the mention of a prenup, thinking it's cold, not romantic. But I think playing the idea out in discussion, at least, is a good idea. It does not mean the love is not true, but when it comes to mixing up assets, especially in later in life marriages -- "What's love got to do with it?"

Romanticizing and/or ignoring practical considerations before a later in life marriage could come with complications and regrets when the sad day comes when one is gone. For instance, if one of the couple owns the house, do the kids have the right to sell it or can the surviving spouse, or whoever it is, get to live there if they so choose?

I know one guy in TV who has a woman pushing him to get married, but she will not sign a prenup. Now, that's a big red flag.

It works the other way, too. I met a woman who had been cleaned out by a loser who got her after she was widowed and had inherited more money than she ever realized they had. The loser married her, had her set him up in some stupid "business" that, of course, failed, and then he left.

(I will say that I wish more women took an interest in investing and completely understood their family finances, instead of just saying, "Oh my husband takes care of all that." But that is a discussion for another time.)

In many cases, late marriages are between two people who have found each other, fallen in love, and are well matched for spending the rest of life together. BUT that does not mean they should not take care of business first. Sometimes, they just don't think of it or want to bring it up. Actually, a prenup can protect a surviving spouse, along with other heirs.

I am annoyingly, exceedingly, excruciatingly practical. I know. (sigh)

Buzzkill Boomer

PS: On a second look, I realize I probably should not have inserted a segue into this thread. Sometimes, I just like to debate the topic of prenups. But my prenup posts would have been more appropriate elsewhere. The OP seems like a lovely woman and I wish her and her new husband all the best. Please forgive my awkward intrusion into the kind question about looking forward to a new family.

[brfree1411@aol.com]

For all young people over 3 years old & under 30, snail mail is really old fashion & if in cursive they won't understand it. Have your boyfriend do facetime and introduce you as a "friend" until you get engaged or soon to be married. Christmas & birthday gifts will be the thing that you can do to impress them. Gift cards for anyone over age 10 and cool toys for under 10. I have 5 grand children, 2 mine & 3 his but we are a blended family and love each other.

[Tim C.]

oooo! umbrage!!

well since I'm a man i can only speak for men. The older divorced men I know generally do not want to marry again, but it seems like all the divorced/over 50 women do want to get married again. so from a male perspective, I don't see very many advantages to a man getting married again versus the pitfalls. I understand why so many of the divorced men I know swear they will never ever ever do it again. just speaking on my observations. Seems to be a different POV between the genders. it's not really a financial thing - I know men without assets that don't wish to marry again. but I think the finances complicate things.

And I'm thinking back in the past when things were different. Men pretty much HAD to get married. It hurt your professional career if you weren't a married/family man. You couldn't get access to regular sex as easily without being married. If you wanted kids, you had to get married. You were viewed as some sort of oddball if you didn't. And divorce? HUGE stigma attached to it and again it could hurt your career, your social contacts etc.

these days you can get all the companionship, sex, kids, etc, without the financial entanglements that go with marriage. especially at our older ages, children raising is rarely an issue. and nobody cares if you're divorced

so why marry again? I certainly would not. I just have observed very different attitudes between men and women in the over 50/divorced or widowed group. vastly different. Heck my own financial advisor - after getting pretty much financially raped in two divorces will never do it again. Has had the same GF for 8 years. until a year ago, he said that about every 3 months she would press him to make a commitment and marry her. they had big fights. He told her if she ever brought it up again that they were finished. He didn't even want her to move in. just an example. she hopes, he avoids. I know others like this. I can't thing of one couple where the male is pressing for marriage this hard and the female is avoiding. not one. why is that? I can't say. Marriage is so easy to dispose of that it can't really be called a "commitment" these days. so there must be other reasons - and some of them must be financial. that's all I can say out of my observations.

so you can speak to the female point of view.

[DAVES]

I, too, am happily married. When I met Mr. B, he had a '64 Plymouth Fury (rusty) -- and having just returned from being stationed in Okinawa, his other belongings consisted of 4 huge Pioneer speakers, a Garrard turntable, and a Seiko watch -- along with a lot of scuba gear. I had a Triumph GT6 and a few odds and ends of furniture. (When we got married, we used two of those Pioneer speakers for end tables in our living room.) So that was pretty much it. We had never heard of a prenup and there would have been no need anyway.

But what I am talking about, in general, in this thread, -- even though I jumped the track, sort of, is if someone wants to marry in later life, especially if there are families from previous marriages, it could be well worth looking into a prenup.

A prenup, or lack thereof, could have a positive or negative effect on family dynamics -- like what I referred to in my previous post where I quoted the family friend who thought hers helped the families to be more accepting. (This lady had a few bucks and was nobody's fool. The guy she was getting ready to marry was well set, too.)

I do agree with you that marrying later in life can really mess with finances. At this time, a new marriage can affect pensions and SS, along with accumulated investments and properties.

But -- I must take umbrage with that "(especially men)" thing you said. Guess what. Women have their own money -- money they have made with careers, money they have been good at investing, and women are even allowed to own property now. :)

And, don't forget that the "Live Close By, Visit Often" philosophy -- as K.T. Oslin sang about -- works just fine for many independent women. Move in? Well, that can work, too. But not a fast move.

The idea of prenups is far more nuanced than it appears on the surface. Sometimes people tend to knee-jerk react at the mention of a prenup, thinking it's cold, not romantic. But I think playing the idea out in discussion, at least, is a good idea. It does not mean the love is not true, but when it comes to mixing up assets, especially in later in life marriages -- "What's love got to do with it?"

Romanticizing and/or ignoring practical considerations before a later in life marriage could come with complications and regrets when the sad day comes when one is gone. For instance, if one of the couple owns the house, do the kids have the right to sell it or can the surviving spouse, or whoever it is, get to live there if they so choose?

I know one guy in TV who has a woman pushing him to get married, but she will not sign a prenup. Now, that's a big red flag.

It works the other way, too. I met a woman who had been cleaned out by a loser who got her after she was widowed and had inherited more money than she ever realized they had. The loser married her, had her set him up in some stupid "business" that, of course, failed, and then he left.

(I will say that I wish more women took an interest in investing and completely understood their family finances, instead of just saying, "Oh my husband takes care of all that." But that is a discussion for another time.)

In many cases, late marriages are between two people who have found each other, fallen in love, and are well matched for spending the rest of life together. BUT that does not mean they should not take care of business first. Sometimes, they just don't think of it or want to bring it up. Actually, a prenup can protect a surviving spouse, along with other heirs.

I am annoyingly, exceedingly, excruciatingly practical. I know. (sigh)

Buzzkill Boomer

PS: On a second look, I realize I probably should not have inserted a segue into this thread. Sometimes, I just like to debate the topic of prenups. But my prenup posts would have been more appropriate elsewhere. The OP seems like a lovely woman and I wish her and her new husband all the best. Please forgive my awkward intrusion into the kind question about looking forward to a new family.

As posted by me earlier. When I got married my net worth was negative numbers. I had a 1964 VW with well over 100,000 on it. Before that like you I had a GT6. That too was a wreck. Everything we have is in joint.

However original post said I think she is 63. Far more time, far more accumulated money, debt bad and good habits.

After my dad passed, my mom moved into an active senior kind of place. We kind of laughed about it. Some guy was hitting on mom then about 80 till he discovered she had little money. I seem to recall a guy posting on talk of the villages wondering how to meet wealthy women.

A prenuptial. Marriage is an ever changing adventure. Money is understood differently by different people. For many it is power. Marriage itself is a contract. I am not a lawyer and it does not effect me but in many states living together for a period of time makes the couple in the eyes of the law, common law married. I assume you can modify, cancel a prenuptial agreement should both parties choose to.

Divorce? Sadly amusing. My cousin and his wife, we like both of them. Went through a divorce-they had nothing. They fought over a bunny rabbit and a yappy dog. I told my cousin he should let her have them both and that would be getting even. My cousin WON? My aunt and uncle were stuck with the rabbit and the dog. The rabbit ate the drapes off as high at it could reach-it was a big rabbit. The dog was so noisy that the neighbors complained. Sometimes you are better off losing as I had advised my cousin.