Apologies to any friends or family members who are lawyers.

[graciegirl]

This has to be among the best



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subj: Are You Really A Lawyer ???/


> What The Court Reporter Heard
>
> These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts,
> and are things people actually said in court, word for word,
> taken down and now published by court reporters who had the
> torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually
> taking place.
>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
> > >> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
> > >> ____________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your
> memory
> > at all?
> > >> WITNESS: Yes.
> > >> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> > >> WITNESS: I forget.
> > >> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
> something
> > you forgot?
> > >> ___________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
> involved
> > in voodoo?
> > >> WITNESS: We both do.
> > >> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
> > >> WITNESS: We do.
> > >> ATTORNEY: You do?
> > >> WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
> > >> ____________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies
> > in his sleep,
> > >> he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> > >> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> > >> ____________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is
> > he?
> > >> WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
> > >> ___________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> > >> WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me?
> > >> _________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
> August
> > 8th?
> > >> WITNESS: Yes.
> > >> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> > >> WITNESS: getting laid
> > >> ____________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
> > >> WITNESS: Yes.
> > >> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> > >> WITNESS: None.
> > >> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> > >> WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
> Can
> > I get a new
> > >> attorney?
> > >> ____________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> > >> WITNESS: By death.
> > >> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> > >> WITNESS: Take a guess.
> > >>
> > >> ____________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> > >> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> > >> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> > >> WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
> > >> _____________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to
> a
> > deposition
> > >> notice notice which I sent to your attorney?
> > >> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> > >> ______________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
> > performed on dead
> > >> people?
> > >> WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a
> > fight.
> > >> _________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school
> > did you go to?
> > >> WITNESS: Oral.
> > >> _________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the
> body?
> > >> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m .
> > >> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
> > >> WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
> > >> ____________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> > >> WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
> > >> ______________________________________
> > >>
> > >> And the best for last:
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
> > check for a
> > >> pulse?
> > >> WITNESS: No.
> > >> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> > >> WITNESS: No.
> > >> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
> > >> WITNESS: No.
> > >> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was
> alive
> > when you
> > >> began the autopsy?
> > >> WITNESS: No.
> > >> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> > >> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> > >> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been
> alive,
> > >> nevertheless?
> > >> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
> > and practicing
> > >> law.



I posted this a LONG time ago.




=

[Renegade]

I thought this site was for comments and replys NOT JOKES. If people start doing this the site is bound to fail. Its bad enough I get them in my e-mail all the time. Anyone else agree?

[Halle]

Lawyer Jokes never get old!

[Halle]

I thought this site was for comments and replys NOT JOKES. If people start doing this the site is bound to fail. Its bad enough I get them in my e-mail all the time. Anyone else agree?

There are many forums on this site, this one is Just for fun so jokes are appropriate.

Thanks GG,
Always good to start the day with a smile.

:)

[red tail]

I thought this site was for comments and replys NOT JOKES. If people start doing this the site is bound to fail. Its bad enough I get them in my e-mail all the time. Anyone else agree?

i like jokes!

[otherbruddaDarrell]

I thought this site was for comments and replys NOT JOKES. If people start doing this the site is bound to fail. Its bad enough I get them in my e-mail all the time. Anyone else agree?

Nochilout

[Dreamer]

I was actually laughing aloud at my desk. Your posts are some of my favorites.

[Taltarzac]

Lawyers and Alligators
Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, "I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than I am. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it."
"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"
"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch 'em?"
"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite 'em, shake the crap out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a lawyer, there's nothing left but lips and a briefcase..."

[graciegirl]

I thought this site was for comments and replys NOT JOKES. If people start doing this the site is bound to fail. Its bad enough I get them in my e-mail all the time. Anyone else agree?

Welcome to Talk of the Villages, Renegade. I hope you enjoy the forum and this wonderful place that we live or aspire to live.

You are right, we do address serious issues on this forum and exchange a lot of information.

However the forum is divided into many subforums, i.e. items like restaurant discussion, non villages discussion etc. This part is titled "Just for Fun" so if you have something that has struck you funny and would like to share, this is the place for it here.

Kindest wishes,
Gracie

[Taltarzac]

Postal Service Goof
The Postal Service just had to recall their latest new stamp issue. Lawyers were part of the design and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

[r_foye]

I thought this site was for comments and replys NOT JOKES. If people start doing this the site is bound to fail. Its bad enough I get them in my e-mail all the time. Anyone else agree?

I agree wholeheartedly, there is no room on this site for humor...I will do my part to stop this levity by refusing to laugh at any more lawyer jokes...Blonde jokes, well that's a different matter...

[2 Oldcrabs]

Post as many jokes as possible. " Laughter is the best medicine":bowdown::pepper2:

[armywrestle]

Do you know what you have, if you have, a lawyer buried to their chin in CRAP????????


Not enough CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[K9-Lovers]

What’s wrong with lawyer jokes?

Lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and nobody else thinks they’re jokes.

[downeaster]

Welcome to Talk of the Villages, Renegade. I hope you enjoy the forum and this wonderful place that we live or aspire to live.

You are right, we do address serious issues on this forum and exchange a lot of information.

However the forum is divided into many subforums, i.e. items like restaurant discussion, non villages discussion etc. This part is titled "Just for Fun" so if you have something that has struck you funny and would like to share, this is the place for it here.

Kindest wishes,
Gracie

Well said, graciegirl.

[dog friendly]

lighten up people , Gracie just added a little fun

[Taltarzac]

What’s wrong with lawyer jokes?

Lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and nobody else thinks they’re jokes.

I used to hear lawyer jokes quite often when I worked at the U of MN Law Library as well as before while a law student at the U of MN. And, these were usually told by law professors, clinical law practioners, or law students.

Cannot say that I remember a lot of them. Some of the valedictorian blondes there also liked dumb blonde jokes.

On a lighter note--

Q: What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125?
A: A foursome.

[2BNTV]

Originally Posted by Renegade
I thought this site was for comments and replys NOT JOKES. If people start doing this the site is bound to fail. Its bad enough I get them in my e-mail all the time. Anyone else agree?

Renegade;

I'm sorry that I do not agree with you. Sometimes people need a good laugh to relieve tension and stress or just want to laugh. There are other forums that discuss issues of importance but it is nice to visit this forum for a pick-me up. I am at work and was laughing at my desk.

Good one Gracie. You made my day. :laugh:

[Flip Flop Forever]

A few years ago an article appeared in the Ft. Myers News-Press concerning an actual exchange between an attorney and witness during a trial.

ATTORNEY: "Did you or did you not attend a meeting that was or was not held?"

WITNESS: "Yes, I did not."

True Story. :smiley:

[Talk Host]

After Mark Twain finished addressing a New England society banquet, the attorney William M. Evarts stood up, hands in his pockets, and remarked, "Does it not seem unusual to this gathering that a professional humorist should really appear funny?" To which Mark Twain replied, "Does it not also appear strange to this assembly that a lawyer should have his hands in his own pockets?"


JLK

[Taltarzac]

Heaven Getting Crowded
One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all died and went to heaven.
St. Peter was there, having a bad day because heaven was getting crowded. When they got to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there would be a test to get into Heaven: They each had to answer a single question.
To the teacher, he said, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"
The teacher thought for a second, and then replied: "That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter let him through the gate.
Next, St. Peter turned to the garbage man, and figuring that heaven didn’t really need all the stink that this guy would bring in, decided to make the question a little harder. "How many people died on the ship?"
The garbage man guessed 1228, to which St. Peter said, "That happens to be right. Go ahead."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "What were their names?"

[graciegirl]

This is TOO funny not to share.



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subj: Are You Really A Lawyer ???/


> What The Court Reporter Heard
>
> These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts,
> and are things people actually said in court, word for word,
> taken down and now published by court reporters who had the
> torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually
> taking place.
>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
> > >> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
> > >> ____________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your
> memory
> > at all?
> > >> WITNESS: Yes.
> > >> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> > >> WITNESS: I forget.
> > >> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
> something
> > you forgot?
> > >> ___________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
> involved
> > in voodoo?
> > >> WITNESS: We both do.
> > >> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
> > >> WITNESS: We do.
> > >> ATTORNEY: You do?
> > >> WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
> > >> ____________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies
> > in his sleep,
> > >> he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> > >> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> > >> ____________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is
> > he?
> > >> WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
> > >> ___________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> > >> WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me?
> > >> _________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
> August
> > 8th?
> > >> WITNESS: Yes.
> > >> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> > >> WITNESS: getting laid
> > >> ____________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
> > >> WITNESS: Yes.
> > >> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> > >> WITNESS: None.
> > >> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> > >> WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
> Can
> > I get a new
> > >> attorney?
> > >> ____________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> > >> WITNESS: By death.
> > >> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> > >> WITNESS: Take a guess.
> > >>
> > >> ____________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> > >> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> > >> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> > >> WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
> > >> _____________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to
> a
> > deposition
> > >> notice notice which I sent to your attorney?
> > >> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> > >> ______________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
> > performed on dead
> > >> people?
> > >> WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a
> > fight.
> > >> _________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school
> > did you go to?
> > >> WITNESS: Oral.
> > >> _________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the
> body?
> > >> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m .
> > >> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
> > >> WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
> > >> ____________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> > >> WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
> > >> ______________________________________
> > >>
> > >> And the best for last:
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
> > check for a
> > >> pulse?
> > >> WITNESS: No.
> > >> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> > >> WITNESS: No.
> > >> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
> > >> WITNESS: No.
> > >> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was
> alive
> > when you
> > >> began the autopsy?
> > >> WITNESS: No.
> > >> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> > >> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> > >> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been
> alive,
> > >> nevertheless?
> > >> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
> > and practicing
> > >> law.



I thought I remember I posted this...a LONG time ago.




=[/QUOTE]

[anarick]

Gracile girl
It's still funny. Thanks for making my day.

[mgjim]

Yep, still funny.

[skyguy79]

Yep, still funny.Yes it is funny. I wonder if the two counselors... er I mean posters from 2010 that objected to the original post were curmudgeons, lawyers or just plain trying to be humorous?

[gomoho]

Laughing Out Loud - thank you that was funny.:D

[jean1954]

Post as many jokes as possible. " Laughter is the best medicine":bowdown::pepper2:

I agree!

[Taltarzac725]

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"

"Three dollars an ounce."

"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"

"Four dollars an ounce."

"How much for lawyer brain?"

"$1,000 an ounce."

"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"


A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. "My BMW! My BMW!" he sobbed.

A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!"

The lawyer, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!"

[redwitch]

And here's some more (with no apologies):

Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
Witness: "I only have one, you know."

Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
Witness: "July 15th."
Lawyer: "What year?"
Witness: "Every year."

Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
Witness: "Er...his face."

Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
Witness: "Forty-five years."

Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "My name is Susan."

Lawyer: "What happened then?"
Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"

Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
Witness: "Four times."

Lawyer: "Do you have any children or anything of that kind?"

Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."

Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
Witness: "Yes sir."
Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"

Lawyer: "Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?"
Witness: "The victim lived."

And my favorite:
Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."

[kagney123]

Art Linkletter was transferred to a fancy nursing home, the first day he was there he wanted the seat near the window which was already occupied. Upset that he didn't get his way, he said to the woman in the window seat, "Do you know who I am??" She replied, "No, but if you go to the front desk they can tell you" LoL