The Engineer..

[larbud]

I’m sure some have seen this……..Today's Funny !!! 😂😂😂
An engineer dies and is sent to hell
He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels.
One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up?
The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer."
"What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately."
The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him."
God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"
The Devil laughs. "Where in Hell are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[retiredguy123]

Two engineers are standing next to a flagpole when a girl rides by on her bicycle. She asks them what they are doing. They tell her that they are trying figure out the height of the flagpole. She takes out a wrench and removes the bolts at the bottom and lays the pole down on the ground. Then, she uses a tape measure and says, it's 22 feet. After she rides away, one of the engineers says, "stupid girl, we need the height, not the length."

[retiredguy123]

Civil Engineer joke.

Q: What did the fish say when he swam into a concrete wall?

A: "DAM"

[retiredguy123]

One more engineer joke.

Two engineers were riding their bikes and one says "that is a very nice bicycle, where did you get it?" The other engineer says that he was walking in the park and a woman rode up on a bicycle, she took off all of her clothes, and said, "take anything you want". The other engineer replied, "I think you made a good choice. Those clothes probably wouldn't have fit anyway."

[Hardlyworking]

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

[Stu from NYC]

Funny ones

[sail33or]

God and the Devil decided to meet halfway between Heaven and Hell for a meeting.

They needed a Bridge to span the distance.

To make it interesting they made a wager. Each would build half the bridge and first one to the middle was the winner.

God summoned all the engineers and they designed the most fabulous bridge in History.

But when God looked out towards Hell He saw the Devil had finished his portion of the Bridge already. God was puzzled and asked the Devil how he did it so fast.

The Devil said, "You may have all the engineers but I have all the contractors."

[larbud]

Great ones! Thanks for the laughs!

[Worldseries27]

one more engineer joke.

Two engineers were riding their bikes and one says "that is a very nice bicycle, where did you get it?" the other engineer says that he was walking in the park and a woman rode up on a bicycle, she took off all of her clothes, and said, "take anything you want". The other engineer replied, "i think you made a good choice. Those clothes probably wouldn't have fit anyway."
teacher says todays subject matter will be computing the human reproduction cycle.
10 year old sheldon immediately raises and says there's no need for this class because i have the answer.
The professor asks him to share and sheldon states,
the angle of the dangle=

the heat of the meat times

the mass of the asz

[Cards fan]

Question What do engineers use for birth control?
Answer Their personality

This is my favorite joke since my husband is an engineer. He doesn’t think it’s so funny.

[Bay Kid]

Great!

[Hardlyworking]

Question What do engineers use for birth control?
Answer Their personality

This is my favorite joke since my husband is an engineer. He doesn’t think it’s so funny.

My father was an engineer, he thought he was hilarious, not so much anyone else. I come from a long line of engineers and chose a completely different career path.

[Zenmama18]

Love all of these! I'm from a family of engineers too!

[shideg]

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

To MS Excel, the glass is January second.

[Number 10 GI]

I have a friend that is an engineer and a lawyer. A good guy and a good friend but really hates engineer and lawyer jokes.

[M2inOR]

This retired engineer and marketer really enjoyed these.

[DaleDivine]

:1rotfl::1rotfl::1rotfl::BigApplause:

[GRACEALLEMAN]

I’m sure some have seen this……..Today's Funny !!! 😂😂😂
An engineer dies and is sent to hell
He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels.
One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up?
The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer."
"What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately."
The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him."
God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!"
The Devil laughs. "Where in Hell are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

You messed up the punch line!!
I think you meant to write at the punch line..."Where in Heaven are you going to get a lawyer"

[ML Smith]

These are great. Thanks for the morning chuckle.

[tophcfa]

To the optimist, the glass is half full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

To the common construction worker, who the f drank half my beer?

[dougawhite]

The royal french engineer was in line behind the King and Queen waiting to get beheaded in the guillotine. The guillotine blade abruptly stopped before chopping off the King's head. Per French tradition, when beheading fails the King was released and his life was spared. Same thing happened to the Queen, the blade stopped before cutting off her head. The Queen's life was therefore spared. The engineer, carefully observing all of this happening says to the executioner, "I see the problem, the blade is hitting on this bent track." Sure enough the executioner fixed the track and placed the engineer's neck in the yoke. Slice, bump, bump, bump!!

[Bobro44]

I'd have been an engineer but I couldn't handle the math.

So as a journalist I have to be literal and ask if the original punchline was mangled and the Devil should have said to God: "OK, but where IN HEAVEN are you going to find a lawyer?"

Just saying...

[Stu from NYC]

The royal french engineer was in line behind the King and Queen waiting to get beheaded in the guillotine. The guillotine blade abruptly stopped before chopping off the King's head. Per French tradition, when beheading fails the King was released and his life was spared. Same thing happened to the Queen, the blade stopped before cutting off her head. The Queen's life was therefore spared. The engineer, carefully observing all of this happening says to the executioner, "I see the problem, the blade is hitting on this bent track." Sure enough the executioner fixed the track and placed the engineer's neck in the yoke. Slice, bump, bump, bump!!

Very good

[JohnN]

A man married a woman who had been married 25 years and was now a widow. On their honeymoon night, she said to him,
"please be gentle, I am a virgin." The surprised groom said.. "but, but.. you were married 25 years! How could you possibly still be a virgin??" His wife replied "My husband was a Bell Labs engineer, and each night he'd sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good our sex life was going to be in the very near future."

(caveat - I worked for AT&T for 30+ years in engineering and plant management, this tale was a jab at our Bell Labs brothers)