Discussing your growing older with your kids

[MartinSE]

Now that I am in my 70's things are starting to wear out and some of those clubs I paid dues into all my life are starting to pay dividends (smoking 2 packs of non-filter Pall Mall's a day for 45 years - approximately $98,000 not counting interest) like the membership in the "I got cancer" club...

I have been pondering lately if it would have made any difference if my parents and grandparents had ever discussed how their health was and how it was impacting their quality of life. My family considered any discussion of health taboo, off limits - those dark little secrets not to be discussed.

Since I retired I have encouraged my children (7 kids - almost countless grand and great-grand kids) to ask questions and openly discuss health issues.

What is everyones opinion.

Do you openly discuss growing older with your kids - not preaching, just openly discussing it.

[Kenswing]

We don't have any kids but have plenty of nieces and nephews that we are close with. I've had several conversations with them, mainly the boys. I tell them "I know you won't listen to me because I didn't listen to the people that told me I would pay for (insert whatever bad behavior) when I was your age. But please keep it in the back of your mind. You WILL pay for it all later". Hopefully the seed is planted. But if they're anything like I was, only time will be the true teacher.

[retiredguy123]

It's a good idea, but probably won't do much good. I don't even think that doctors spend much effort talking to their patients about bad health habits. They would rather write a prescription. Also, I don't understand why anyone would start smoking today, but a lot do.

[Caymus]

My father would have daily uncontrolled coughing fits. That was enough to convince me never to smoke.

[Djean1981]

I can relate.. Health concerns were just not discussed while I was growing up.. However, I grew up with obvious alcoholics and the air in our house was like a saloon's. Therefore, I have never ever wanted to smoke or drink -zero interest. Sadly, I think most kids only learn more from experiences than spoken wisdom.

[JoelJohnson]

When I was a kid, I stole one of my father's cigarettes. I went to my room and lit it up. I took one puff and coughed, I thought I was doing it wrong so I took another puff. I said to myself "why do people do this?" I put the cigarette out and never took another puff.

[retiredguy123]

When I was a kid, I stole one of my father's cigarettes. I went to my room and lit it up. I took one puff and coughed, I thought I was doing it wrong so I took another puff. I said to myself "why do people do this?" I put the cigarette out and never took another puff.
I did the exact same thing with my Mom's cigarettes. One puff was all I needed to quit forever.

[Happydaz]

I had a slow start in the healthy living category. I smoked up until I was 31 and I stayed out too late on occasion. (Understatement) I did quit smoking among other bad habits in my early thirties and that did have an effect on my five sons. I didn’t preach but I told them the mistakes I had made and left it at that. I was always a very aggressive gardener and spent hours digging, cutting, etc.. all the time. That kept me in moderately good shape, but in my middle age I ballooned to 212 pounds and didn’t feel in any position to talk about good health habits. Finally in my 60’s I started to lose weight and tried to eat better.

The most dramatic change occurred nine years ago when I moved to The Villages. Right after moving here I bought a carbon fiber road bicycle and now bicycle well over 100 miles a week. My weight dropped to 160 pounds and I am in the best shape of my adult life. I still garden like crazy and lift hand weights. What have I seen? The neighbors who moved in at the same time used to chuckle when they saw me all dirty and sweaty from gardening and they would ask me why I do that to my self. So what has happened? They no longer laugh as now many of them are having health problems, etc and they no longer give me a hard time. This is the lesson I mention to my sons, I am shocked about the divergence I see among my friends and neighbors who are in their mid seventies. People who have drank too much, ate too much and didn’t exercise over these last years are really getting sick. Heart problems, circulation problems etc. One of my son’s father in law, the same age as me, drinks excessively and just quit smoking. At a graduation party for our granddaughter I noticed how sick he looked. His wife said he had COPD but looking at his swollen feet (he was wearing sandals) it appeared that he had other issues. He drank beer after beer. He mentioned to me that getting old was really bad. When I returned to The Villages I was so thankful that we have the opportunities here to have the best possible health. We can’t blame our problems on the weather or work pressures. That is what I try to instill in my sons that you can improve your health at any age.

[Toymeister]

It would be nice if our children and younger generation listened to our wisdom, sadly they rarely do.

On occasion my kids acknowledge that I know a great deal but those are fleeting moments in time...

[ThirdOfFive]

It's a good idea, but probably won't do much good. I don't even think that doctors spend much effort talking to their patients about bad health habits. They would rather write a prescription. Also, I don't understand why anyone would start smoking today, but a lot do.
True. I once had a doctor tell me I needed to lose weight and quit smoking. He weighed at least 300 lbs. and was puffing on a Marlboro when he told me. Good advice? Yep. Good example? Well...

My plans are made. My wife and kids have copies of my will as well as my advance directive. It is simple: if I cannot make my own decisions if seriously ill and no hope of a reasonable quality of life, then pull the plug.

[MartinSE]

We don't have any kids but have plenty of nieces and nephews that we are close with. I've had several conversations with them, mainly the boys. I tell them "I know you won't listen to me because I didn't listen to the people that told me I would pay for (insert whatever bad behavior) when I was your age. But please keep it in the back of your mind. You WILL pay for it all later". Hopefully the seed is planted. But if they're anything like I was, only time will be the true teacher.

Exactly, the best we can hope for is to plant a seed.

[MartinSE]

It's a good idea, but probably won't do much good. I don't even think that doctors spend much effort talking to their patients about bad health habits. They would rather write a prescription. Also, I don't understand why anyone would start smoking today, but a lot do.

I am very lucky. My PCP in the VA Healthcare spends time with me every appointment. She discusses everything going on in detail, she then spends time listening to me. It's almost like she cares. That was a joke, she really does care, and the VA makes sure she has the time to spend with each of us. Like I said, I am very lucky.

[Taltarzac725]

When I was a kid, I stole one of my father's cigarettes. I went to my room and lit it up. I took one puff and coughed, I thought I was doing it wrong so I took another puff. I said to myself "why do people do this?" I put the cigarette out and never took another puff.

Sounds like me and my experience.

[MartinSE]

I can relate.. Health concerns were just not discussed while I was growing up.. However, I grew up with obvious alcoholics and the air in our house was like a saloon's. Therefore, I have never ever wanted to smoke or drink -zero interest. Sadly, I think most kids only learn more from experiences than spoken wisdom.

Truth.

My first wife's father was an alcoholic. He lost everything, his career, his family and finally his life too young. After that I never touched a drink for 45 years. Seeing is so much more effective than hearing.

[MartinSE]

True. I once had a doctor tell me I needed to lose weight and quit smoking. He weighed at least 300 lbs. and was puffing on a Marlboro when he told me. Good advice? Yep. Good example? Well...

My plans are made. My wife and kids have copies of my will as well as my advance directive. It is simple: if I cannot make my own decisions if seriously ill and no hope of a reasonable quality of life, then pull the plug.

true.

And yes, advanced directives are important, and sharing those with family and friends is important. We have done both. Mine is basically the same as yours. Beware, that in Florida, according to my PCP at the VA, the state does not honor living wills. It considers them a suggestion that the attending physician can ignore if they want to. sigh. Luckily the VA does honor them, and she assortment they would be read and followed to the letter if I am in a VA facility.

Funny how a state that constantly says the people should be allowed to make decisions about their lives won't honor what in may opinion is the most important decision anyone can and should make.

[MartinSE]

I had a slow start in the healthy living category. I smoked up until I was 31 and I stayed out too late on occasion. (Understatement) I did quit smoking among other bad habits in my early thirties and that did have an effect on my five sons. I didn’t preach but I told them the mistakes I had made and left it at that. I was always a very aggressive gardener and spent hours digging, cutting, etc.. all the time. That kept me in moderately good shape, but in my middle age I ballooned to 212 pounds and didn’t feel in any position to talk about good health habits. Finally in my 60’s I started to lose weight and tried to eat better.

The most dramatic change occurred nine years ago when I moved to The Villages. Right after moving here I bought a carbon fiber road bicycle and now bicycle well over 100 miles a week. My weight dropped to 160 pounds and I am in the best shape of my adult life. I still garden like crazy and lift hand weights. What have I seen? The neighbors who moved in at the same time used to chuckle when they saw me all dirty and sweaty from gardening and they would ask me why I do that to my self. So what has happened? They no longer laugh as now many of them are having health problems, etc and they no longer give me a hard time. This is the lesson I mention to my sons, I am shocked about the divergence I see among my friends and neighbors who are in their mid seventies. People who have drank too much, ate too much and didn’t exercise over these last years are really getting sick. Heart problems, circulation problems etc. One of my son’s father in law, the same age as me, drinks excessively and just quit smoking. At a graduation party for our granddaughter I noticed how sick he looked. His wife said he had COPD but looking at his swollen feet (he was wearing sandals) it appeared that he had other issues. He drank beer after beer. He mentioned to me that getting old was really bad. When I returned to The Villages I was so thankful that we have the opportunities here to have the best possible health. We can’t blame our problems on the weather or work pressures. That is what I try to instill in my sons that you can improve your health at any age.

I think you were my neighbor in McClure? I was always impressed with how active you were. Jealous was the word that came to me... :) Keep up the good life!

[Michael G.]

Trouble with all this talking about bad health habits in your youth is when your in our teens and 20's,
we think where going to live forever.

Do some of you veterans when in the service remember getting cigarettes in you C-rations?
I think mine where Lucky Strike.

[asianthree]

All in our immediate family is in health care, from premed, med school, RN, to Doctors. We have to so many colleges to support sports, it’s hard to keep up.

Health conversations has been a staple in our family from the time they could talk. We’re good on any level

[MartinSE]

Trouble with all this talking about bad health habits in your youth is when your in our teens and 20's,
we think where going to live forever.

Do some of you veterans when in the service remember getting cigarettes in you C-rations?
I think mine where Lucky Strike.

Yes, I recall the smokes. it was a "good thing" for us smokers, and a windfall for the cigarette companies.

I liked that in Boot camp (in the Marines) you had to declare if you were a smoker BEFORE boot camp. If you didn't you didn't get to smoke. Period. LOL! I said I didn't. Boy did I regret that!

[MartinSE]

All in our immediate family is in health care, from premed, med school, RN, to Doctors. We have to so many colleges to support sports, it’s hard to keep up.

Health conversations has been a staple in our family from the time they could talk. We’re good on any level

Outstanding! An example for all of us!

[golfing eagles]

It's a good idea, but probably won't do much good. I don't even think that doctors spend much effort talking to their patients about bad health habits. They would rather write a prescription. Also, I don't understand why anyone would start smoking today, but a lot do.

Except for your last sentence, you are 110% wrong

[asianthree]

Outstanding! An example for all of us!

Funny story, when our youngest went to college, medical history box said hadn’t been to a doctor since his vaccinations. Doctor asked what did you do if you needed stitches? He laughed..in our family sutures done at kitchen table.

[MartinSE]

Funny story, when our youngest went to college, medical history box said hadn’t been to a doctor since his vaccinations. Doctor asked what did you do if you needed stitches? He laughed..in our family sutures done at kitchen table.

Our family was almost the opposite.

My grandfather was a Christian Scientist that did not believe in Doctors.

He fell off the roof (he was building a house for homeless people) when he was 82. He was taken to a hospital and they said he had some broken bones including hip (maybe? it was a long time ago). The put a cast on him that went from waist to foot. That night he climbed out the hospital window, limped out and hitch hiked home. Got a saw out and cut off the cast. Laid in bed until he was better and then finished the house. He was VERY stubborn.

[Nucky]

I had the good fortune to get a great doctor at the age of 34 when I was in the hospital with the second case of double pneumonia in 3 years. He really put some time into connecting with me on several issues which could have taken me out at any time.

The first thing he got me to see the light on was wearing a seat belt. I had not had any accidents before or since his talk with me but he talked to me, not at me. Don't forget I was still at the invincible age. Then by divine intervention he actually got me to consider stopping smoking because he didn't think opening the 4th pack of Marlboro's every day was a good idea. It took almost a year but eventually, I did quit. Then he did the impossible. He sent an actual Geek to my house complete with a pocket protector and he looked like Michael Douglas in that movie where he went beserk on everyone. I asked him what can I do for you sir and he said he just wanted to hear my story about my drinking career and drugs if it applied. I was open to speaking to him but not quitting drinking. No way. I didn't care for drugs at all so no problem there. It took a while for me to hit my first A.A. meeting but I finally surrendered and haven't had a drink in a little over 28 years. We are still best of friends, actually brotherly with that Geek. The years don't matter as you just take it day by day and then repeat.

I have kept in touch with Dr. Patel since I was in my 30's. My kids know him and so does my wife. I owe this man my very life.

I talked to my kids and now my grandkids about how much better their lives can be if they just try to do the correct thing and don't succumb to peer pressure. I adjust my story depending on the age of the child. The lines of communication are always open with all the youngins in our family because I learned to listen and then talk to them, not at them.

My Dear Mother called me Otis. I'm most grateful that she got to see me sober for a couple of years before she passed.

We have Dr. Patel in charge of everything when the time comes for decisions to be made. then it would be our oldest son. He's logical and a good decision maker.

[MartinSE]

I had the good fortune to get a great doctor at the age of 34 when I was in the hospital with the second case of double pneumonia in 3 years. He really put some time into connecting with me on several issues which could have taken me out at any time.

The first thing he got me to see the light on was wearing a seat belt. I had not had any accidents before or since his talk with me but he talked to me, not at me. Don't forget I was still at the invincible age. Then by divine intervention he actually got me to consider stopping smoking because he didn't think opening the 4th pack of Marlboro's every day was a good idea. It took almost a year but eventually, I did quit. Then he did the impossible. He sent an actual Geek to my house complete with a pocket protector and he looked like Michael Douglas in that movie where he went beserk on everyone. I asked him what can I do for you sir and he said he just wanted to hear my story about my drinking career and drugs if it applied. I was open to speaking to him but not quitting drinking. No way. I didn't care for drugs at all so no problem there. It took a while for me to hit my first A.A. meeting but I finally surrendered and haven't had a drink in a little over 28 years. I'm still best of friends, actually brotherly with that Geek. The years don't matter as you just take it day by day and then repeat.

I have kept in touch with Dr. Patel since I was in my 30's. My kids know him and so does my wife. I owe this man my very life.

I talked to my kids and now my grandkids about how much better their lives can be if they just try to do the correct thing and don't succumb to peer pressure. I adjust my story depending on the age of the child. The lines of communication are always open with all the youngins in our family because I learned to listen and then talk to them, not at them.

My Dear Mother called me Otis. I'm most grateful that she got to see me sober for a couple of years before she passed.

We have Dr. Patel in charge of everything when the time comes for decisions to be made. then it would be our oldest son. He's logical and a good decision maker.

Sounds like Dr. Patel is one of the great ones. I think most doctors are excellent. I know mine at the VA is, she has the patience of a Saint with me and my Dr Google questions. If I find a study I think might help she either explains it to me, or researches it and always gets back to be within days. I am surely blessed with her.

[Happydaz]

I had the good fortune to get a great doctor at the age of 34 when I was in the hospital with the second case of double pneumonia in 3 years. He really put some time into connecting with me on several issues which could have taken me out at any time.

The first thing he got me to see the light on was wearing a seat belt. I had not had any accidents before or since his talk with me but he talked to me, not at me. Don't forget I was still at the invincible age. Then by divine intervention he actually got me to consider stopping smoking because he didn't think opening the 4th pack of Marlboro's every day was a good idea. It took almost a year but eventually, I did quit. Then he did the impossible. He sent an actual Geek to my house complete with a pocket protector and he looked like Michael Douglas in that movie where he went beserk on everyone. I asked him what can I do for you sir and he said he just wanted to hear my story about my drinking career and drugs if it applied. I was open to speaking to him but not quitting drinking. No way. I didn't care for drugs at all so no problem there. It took a while for me to hit my first A.A. meeting but I finally surrendered and haven't had a drink in a little over 28 years. I'm still best of friends, actually brotherly with that Geek. The years don't matter as you just take it day by day and then repeat.

I have kept in touch with Dr. Patel since I was in my 30's. My kids know him and so does my wife. I owe this man my very life.

I talked to my kids and now my grandkids about how much better their lives can be if they just try to do the correct thing and don't succumb to peer pressure. I adjust my story depending on the age of the child. The lines of communication are always open with all the youngins in our family because I learned to listen and then talk to them, not at them.

My Dear Mother called me Otis. I'm most grateful that she got to see me sober for a couple of years before she passed.

We have Dr. Patel in charge of everything when the time comes for decisions to be made. then it would be our oldest son. He's logical and a good decision maker.

Great story! We have a lot of similarities. I too talk to the grandkids on taking it easy in college and trying to avoid drugs. You can’t stop anyone from doing what they want to do even if you have a little conversation with them, but you will always be there in the “back of their heads” when they run into trouble. Some problems tend to run in families and I have talked to all my sons about our medical history. They are now communicating that information and concerns to their children. Sometimes I am asked for advice. I offer it up and then let it go. It is up to them if they want to run with it. My best role is to be a good example to them. I tell them what I did, what happened to me, how I felt and what I did to get back on tract. If they see anything they can identify with than they can make some changes in their lives, but that is solely up to them. I try not to lecture. I know how I hated people telling me what I should do, but if someone told me how they got sick or screwed up totally and then told me how they got better, I might listen to that.

[Happydaz]

I think you were my neighbor in McClure? I was always impressed with how active you were. Jealous was the word that came to me... :) Keep up the good life!

That wasn’t me, I live elsewhere, but thanks for the positive remarks!

[La lamy]

I appreciated hearing about health issues when I was young. Seeing my mom's dentures sure helped me take extremely good care of my teeth, seeing heart issues in my dad's family also made me aware of trying to avoid those problems. Even seeing painful arthritis helped me research how to avoid it best I can. My dad was from the school of "don't talk about health issues", but my mom was a wide open book. I much preferred being in the know.

[Sandy and Ed]

Trouble with all this talking about bad health habits in your youth is when your in our teens and 20's,
we think where going to live forever.

Do some of you veterans when in the service remember getting cigarettes in you C-rations?
I think mine where Lucky Strike.
Yup. Remember it well. Four cigarettes in a pack. My nonsmoking friends gave me their packs. Only casually smoked until I went in service. Then free or very cheap cigarettes and “light ‘em if you got ‘em” and eventually I became a chain smoker. Dad, an avid smoker, had throat cancer take him. He kicked my butt when he caught me as a child smoking but no real conversation about the ills of smoking. At 75, after a lung resection and some subsequent proton therapy sessions I think I may now be cancer free (?? Can never tell for sure).
EDUCATION and negative societal/peer pressure is the best way to discourage smoking

[Ginmato]

Now that I am in my 70's things are starting to wear out and some of those clubs I paid dues into all my life are starting to pay dividends (smoking 2 packs of non-filter Pall Mall's a day for 45 years - approximately $98,000 not counting interest) like the membership in the "I got cancer" club...

I have been pondering lately if it would have made any difference if my parents and grandparents had ever discussed how their health was and how it was impacting their quality of life. My family considered any discussion of health taboo, off limits - those dark little secrets not to be discussed.

Since I retired I have encouraged my children (7 kids - almost countless grand and great-grand kids) to ask questions and openly discuss health issues.

What is everyones opinion.

Do you openly discuss growing older with your kids - not preaching, just openly discussing it.

I’m trying to decide. There is a lot of cancer in my family. For years, doctors have been asking me about genetic testing. We all know we have a strong chance of getting cancer in my family. It’s starting to hit my generation now. A first cousin has bladder cancer. Most of us are vigilant and have started early screenings for various cancers. I don’t understand what genetic testing will do. I had blood drawn for tumor markers. They all came back negative. I do have CLL and see my oncologist every 6 months. I have a colonoscopy ever 3 years. I guess genetic testing would tell me definitively that I have the genes for certain cancers. What would I then do any differently? Maybe my doctors would treat me more aggressively when something comes up rather than with a wait and see attitude? They tell me my kids would benefit. If my blood tumor markers are negative ( which they were) and my gene tests are negative, it ends with me. My kids don’t have to worry and get tested beyond normal screenings that everyone should have at certain ages. Comments? Opinions? I’d appreciate them.

[MartinSE]

I’m trying to decide. There is a lot of cancer in my family. For years, doctors have been asking me about genetic testing. We all know we have a strong chance of getting cancer in my family. It’s starting to hit my generation now. A first cousin has bladder cancer. Most of us are vigilant and have started early screenings for various cancers. I don’t understand what genetic testing will do. I had blood drawn for tumor markers. They all came back negative. I do have CLL and see my oncologist every 6 months. I have a colonoscopy ever 3 years. I guess genetic testing would tell me definitively that I have the genes for certain cancers. What would I then do any differently? Maybe my doctors would treat me more aggressively when something comes up rather than with a wait and see attitude? They tell me my kids would benefit. If my blood tumor markers are negative ( which they were) and my gene tests are negative, it ends with me. My kids don’t have to worry and get tested beyond normal screenings that everyone should have at certain ages. Comments? Opinions? I’d appreciate them.

I certainly can't speak for you, but if you want opinions, I am the type that believes it is always better to know more than less. Any testing at this point that my doctor wants I get done.

And yes, from what I understand a family history of cancer is definitely something that you want to pay attention to.

Good luck.

[Electric Slide]

Sometimes I think our children listen but don’t really want to hear. Neither my husband or I smoke so thankfully that never has been an issue. I myself tried it when I was younger and never liked it. My husband had a high cholesterol 12 years ago and the doctor wanted to put him on Statins. He came home researched several things and in the morning decided he wanted to try being a vegan. So far so good and I know its not for everyone one but it worked great for us and many other positives came out of that as well.

[Dgodin]

I learned by watching my father age. He spent the last 10 years of his life tethered to an oxygen line. He also smoked unfiltered Pall Malls.
So I retired at 61 and moved here where it will be easy to age with a one story house and golf cart access to nearly everything.

[macawlaw]

May I share some observations as the child who had to make the decisions for her parents?

First, please share everything with your children. My parents didn’t want to worry us and didn’t tell my brother and me that dad had colon cancer and was having surgery. My aunt called the day before and mentioned it. My Mom was in the early stages of Alzheimer’s and shouldn’t stay alone. At that short of notice figuring out how to support dad and keep mom safe while having a family and a job two hours away was crazy and unfair.

Second, as an attorney, I made sure that my parents had their finances taken care of. Mom hid some assets in her name, and we had to open a probate estate because of it. Part of this planning is to give someone a Durable Power of Attorney. This allowed me to take over my parents finances when the time came without going to court. I cannot stress how much easier and what a difference this made.

Third, a living will is not sufficient. You also need a durable healthcare power of attorney. My parents had both, and we needed the second for my dad. Since I held this power, we avoided putting my dad on the machines when they would not have helped him recover, just keep going.

And, finally, tell your children what you want. My parents had a conversation with me, and my mom clipped an Ann Landers column, underlining in red ink what she felt strongly about. This gave me the freedom and the peace of mind to do as they wished.

If you can’t talk about it, write about it. Don’t make your kids make end- of-life decisions without your input. It was hard enough to do knowing what my parents wanted. It would have been excruciating if we had not talked.

[MartinSE]

Third, a living will is not sufficient. You also need a durable healthcare power of attorney. My parents had both, and we needed the second for my dad. Since I held this power, we avoided putting my dad on the machines when they would not have helped him recover, just keep going.

And, finally, tell your children what you want. My parents had a conversation with me, and my mom clipped an Ann Landers column, underlining in red ink what she felt strongly about. This gave me the freedom and the peace of mind to do as they wished.

If you can’t talk about it, write about it. Don’t make your kids make end- of-life decisions without your input. It was hard enough to do knowing what my parents wanted. It would have been excruciating if we had not talked.

All excellent advice, We too have living wills, durable power of attorney and designated health care. Different places have different rules.

It would be nice if there was a national standard available. But there is not, so we have separate for Florida and California.

[Heytubes]

I agree that most VA doctors really do care. Every engagement at the VA from the nurses to the specialist has always had our back. The Mission program started in 2018 even made the VA better as I’ve experienced first hand the great care. My doctor really does care as she spends ample time explaining any questions I may have and makes sure I understand.

[MartinSE]

I agree that most VA doctors really do care. Every engagement at the VA from the nurses to the specialist has always had our back. The Mission program started in 2018 even made the VA better as I’ve experienced first hand the great care. My doctor really does care as she spends ample time explaining any questions I may have and makes sure I understand.

Totally agree. Another thing we have noticed, is how everyone is so helpful. Malcohm Randell in Gainesville is a big complex maze. If we are obviously looking around people just stop what they are doing as ask if they can help. We have had busy doctors reading a clip board walking quickly down the hall stop and ask if they can help us, then they don't just tell us directions, they escort us - no matter how far. I feel guilty interrupting them. It is amazing.

[WiscoGirl]

I am very lucky. My PCP in the VA Healthcare spends time with me every appointment. She discusses everything going on in detail, she then spends time listening to me. It's almost like she cares. That was a joke, she really does care, and the VA makes sure she has the time to spend with each of us. Like I said, I am very lucky.

I feel like I'm the lucky one. You signed up for an amount up to, and including your life. No greater man is he than one who would lay down his life for his neighbor and his friends. Sincerely I thank you.

[MartinSE]

I feel like I'm the lucky one. You signed up for an amount up to, and including your life. No greater man is he than one who would lay down his life for his neighbor and his friends. Sincerely I thank you.

Thank You

[Dlbonivich]

I think health is a great conversation. You should also talk about how you want end of life to play out. You should also share financial information and wishes. Not generalizations, real discussion. My step father just passed 89 my mom is 83. I have spent 4 months and still not sure I have covered everything. 3 weeks trying to gather information. Right now we all know what is what. Most lose some control over time. Everyone is different. You just can’t know how you will be. Some hide financial struggle from their children, I see this in my business all the time. Children are shocked what is or is not there in the end.

[rsibole]

Now that I am in my 70's things are starting to wear out and some of those clubs I paid dues into all my life are starting to pay dividends (smoking 2 packs of non-filter Pall Mall's a day for 45 years - approximately $98,000 not counting interest) like the membership in the "I got cancer" club...

I have been pondering lately if it would have made any difference if my parents and grandparents had ever discussed how their health was and how it was impacting their quality of life. My family considered any discussion of health taboo, off limits - those dark little secrets not to be discussed.

Since I retired I have encouraged my children (7 kids - almost countless grand and great-grand kids) to ask questions and openly discuss health issues.

What is everyones opinion.

Do you openly discuss growing older with your kids - not preaching, just openly discussing it.

. . .

[haysus7]

Great advice. Thank you

[SusanStCatherine]

I'll never forget an interview I saw with a 106-year old woman. Oprah asked her to share the secret of her longevity. She said, "Oh don't ask me, I don't eat any fruits or vegetables and I smoke." She revealed she had living brothers of 104 and 102 years old. Bingo - genetics! So share your genetic history with your family. Soon medical treatment will rely more on individual differences.

[Djean1981]

I had a slow start in the healthy living category. I smoked up until I was 31 and I stayed out too late on occasion. (Understatement) I did quit smoking among other bad habits in my early thirties and that did have an effect on my five sons. I didn’t preach but I told them the mistakes I had made and left it at that. I was always a very aggressive gardener and spent hours digging, cutting, etc.. all the time. That kept me in moderately good shape, but in my middle age I ballooned to 212 pounds and didn’t feel in any position to talk about good health habits. Finally in my 60’s I started to lose weight and tried to eat better.

The most dramatic change occurred nine years ago when I moved to The Villages. Right after moving here I bought a carbon fiber road bicycle and now bicycle well over 100 miles a week. My weight dropped to 160 pounds and I am in the best shape of my adult life. I still garden like crazy and lift hand weights. What have I seen? The neighbors who moved in at the same time used to chuckle when they saw me all dirty and sweaty from gardening and they would ask me why I do that to my self. So what has happened? They no longer laugh as now many of them are having health problems, etc and they no longer give me a hard time. This is the lesson I mention to my sons, I am shocked about the divergence I see among my friends and neighbors who are in their mid seventies. People who have drank too much, ate too much and didn’t exercise over these last years are really getting sick. Heart problems, circulation problems etc. One of my son’s father in law, the same age as me, drinks excessively and just quit smoking. At a graduation party for our granddaughter I noticed how sick he looked. His wife said he had COPD but looking at his swollen feet (he was wearing sandals) it appeared that he had other issues. He drank beer after beer. He mentioned to me that getting old was really bad. When I returned to The Villages I was so thankful that we have the opportunities here to have the best possible health. We can’t blame our problems on the weather or work pressures. That is what I try to instill in my sons that you can improve your health at any age.
Thanks for the inspiration!

[paulat585]

Now that I am in my 70's things are starting to wear out and some of those clubs I paid dues into all my life are starting to pay dividends (smoking 2 packs of non-filter Pall Mall's a day for 45 years - approximately $98,000 not counting interest) like the membership in the "I got cancer" club...

I have been pondering lately if it would have made any difference if my parents and grandparents had ever discussed how their health was and how it was impacting their quality of life. My family considered any discussion of health taboo, off limits - those dark little secrets not to be discussed.

Since I retired I have encouraged my children (7 kids - almost countless grand and great-grand kids) to ask questions and openly discuss health issues.

What is everyones opinion.

Do you openly discuss growing older with your kids - not preaching, just openly discussing it.
Just did it in detail this week as part of a life-long discussion. I'm getting a trust drawn up, so discussed this and other end of life issues. My birthday was yesterday & that's what prompted it. I only have one child and was a single parent. He's not wanted to hear this stuff before, so this time progress was made. I'm happy and the discussion will continue.

[juddfl]

You might have just inspired me with your reply. Thank You

[tophcfa]

in our family sutures done at kitchen table.

We use crazy glue, saved me a couple trips to the ER.

[RiderOnTheStorm]

Now that I am in my 70's things are starting to wear out and some of those clubs I paid dues into all my life are starting to pay dividends (smoking 2 packs of non-filter Pall Mall's a day for 45 years - approximately $98,000 not counting interest) like the membership in the "I got cancer" club...

I have been pondering lately if it would have made any difference if my parents and grandparents had ever discussed how their health was and how it was impacting their quality of life. My family considered any discussion of health taboo, off limits - those dark little secrets not to be discussed.

Since I retired I have encouraged my children (7 kids - almost countless grand and great-grand kids) to ask questions and openly discuss health issues.

What is everyones opinion.

Do you openly discuss growing older with your kids - not preaching, just openly discussing it.

This is an excellent topic to discuss with your children. After putting each of mine through 4-7 years of college I tell them that I am aggressively spending whatever is left over of their inheritance.

[MartinSE]

This is an excellent topic to discuss with your children. After putting each of mine through 4-7 years of college I tell them that I am aggressively spending whatever is left over of their inheritance.

Thank you,

We are not aggressively spending ours. I have 7 kids, my wife has 5. Between then with two generations we have almost countless grandkids. So, plenty to spend whatever we pass on to them. LOL.

We do not deny ourselves, but we don't just buy because we can. Each has their own priorities. If I were Musk or Gates, I would be spending like crazy and only leave a billion or so - and make the struggle to earn their own - LOL!

[cswett5234]

My parents live in TV, they are in their mid-80’s, both are starting to have health issues, step-dad had his prostate removed, Mom has always had minor bouts of skin cancer and heart issues. It’s tough to discuss issues because you don’t want to appear particularly “ghoulish” or like you’re just after their money (we have plenty of our own).

Last time we visited (and after a few drinks) I asked Mom if she would stay in TV if Dad passed first or would she want to move back to Maine to be closer me and my sister. She said she would STAY in TV, said she enjoyed the place and enjoyed the neighbors, knew her way around, etc…

The questions we have are:
1. What are your plans if your spouse passes first? Stay or leave? Go to an assisted living facility? Do you have monies for such a move?
2. Do you have a list of assets? Bank accounts, where they’re located, any outstanding loans?
3. Do you have a will? Do Not Resuscitate orders written down anywhere?
4. Burial or cremation? Do you have a cemetery plot purchased or have a place in mind?
5. Do you have a list of all utility providers? Cell phone bill, electric/water/gas bills, home/auto insurance company, Netflix, Cable service….access to these accounts so they can be terminated.

These are the questions I would love to ask my folks, but can’t. Seniors of TV, how would you respond to your children asking these questions? Be honest.

[Whitley]

True. I once had a doctor tell me I needed to lose weight and quit smoking. He weighed at least 300 lbs. and was puffing on a Marlboro when he told me. Good advice? Yep. Good example? Well...

My plans are made. My wife and kids have copies of my will as well as my advance directive. It is simple: if I cannot make my own decisions if seriously ill and no hope of a reasonable quality of life, then pull the plug.

Re your advance directives: not terribly difficult to have your view when you are healthy. I was diagnosed with stage 3 cancer, and told I had less than a 50/50 chance. It is very difficult to discuss as I have a great deal of guilt surrounding the experience. The point is, I did everything possible to stay alive. Drank things that glowed, was enrolled in experimental treatments, petitioned for compassionate use. When faced with it, I wanted to see my children graduate, and grow up. I have quite a group of effects from the treatments, but have seem my kids graduate 8th grade, HS and college. It seems very reasonable and rational to say if I am not going to have a reasonable quality of life let it go. In my case I was too weak or strong (not sure) to go quietly. Glad I am here.

[Whitley]

We use crazy glue, saved me a couple trips to the ER.

The hospital used crazy glue.

[OrangeBlossomBaby]

I had a slow start in the healthy living category. I smoked up until I was 31 and I stayed out too late on occasion. (Understatement) I did quit smoking among other bad habits in my early thirties and that did have an effect on my five sons. I didn’t preach but I told them the mistakes I had made and left it at that. I was always a very aggressive gardener and spent hours digging, cutting, etc.. all the time. That kept me in moderately good shape, but in my middle age I ballooned to 212 pounds and didn’t feel in any position to talk about good health habits. Finally in my 60’s I started to lose weight and tried to eat better.

The most dramatic change occurred nine years ago when I moved to The Villages. Right after moving here I bought a carbon fiber road bicycle and now bicycle well over 100 miles a week. My weight dropped to 160 pounds and I am in the best shape of my adult life. I still garden like crazy and lift hand weights. What have I seen? The neighbors who moved in at the same time used to chuckle when they saw me all dirty and sweaty from gardening and they would ask me why I do that to my self. So what has happened? They no longer laugh as now many of them are having health problems, etc and they no longer give me a hard time. This is the lesson I mention to my sons, I am shocked about the divergence I see among my friends and neighbors who are in their mid seventies. People who have drank too much, ate too much and didn’t exercise over these last years are really getting sick. Heart problems, circulation problems etc. One of my son’s father in law, the same age as me, drinks excessively and just quit smoking. At a graduation party for our granddaughter I noticed how sick he looked. His wife said he had COPD but looking at his swollen feet (he was wearing sandals) it appeared that he had other issues. He drank beer after beer. He mentioned to me that getting old was really bad. When I returned to The Villages I was so thankful that we have the opportunities here to have the best possible health. We can’t blame our problems on the weather or work pressures. That is what I try to instill in my sons that you can improve your health at any age.

Your situation is more profound than mine, but I've followed a similar path. Partied like it was 1999, from 1978 til 1990. Slowed down significantly when I turned 30 but was still smoking like a fiend. Finally quit smoking when I was in my late 40's. Joined a gym. Got fit in my 50's, but was otherwise unmotivated, and gained another 10 pounds.

Fast forward to now, at 61, weeding the garden and flower bed by hand because it FEELS good to do it. Will be riding my bike again once it stops being so damned hot all the time. I dance at the squares every so often, dance at home to music from my YouTube playlist while I clean the floor or wash the dishes, dance with a group I'm in once a week.

For a month and a half I was out of commission due to hip problems. Seems to be better now, just in time to prepare for bike-riding season again.

Looking forward to getting fit again - on my own terms. I'm still the kid in the neighborhood, but it feels as though the older folks are getting SO much older, so quickly, and I'm feeling better than I have in years.

[Happydaz]

Your situation is more profound than mine, but I've followed a similar path. Partied like it was 1999, from 1978 til 1990. Slowed down significantly when I turned 30 but was still smoking like a fiend. Finally quit smoking when I was in my late 40's. Joined a gym. Got fit in my 50's, but was otherwise unmotivated, and gained another 10 pounds.

Fast forward to now, at 61, weeding the garden and flower bed by hand because it FEELS good to do it. Will be riding my bike again once it stops being so damned hot all the time. I dance at the squares every so often, dance at home to music from my YouTube playlist while I clean the floor or wash the dishes, dance with a group I'm in once a week.

For a month and a half I was out of commission due to hip problems. Seems to be better now, just in time to prepare for bike-riding season again.

Looking forward to getting fit again - on my own terms. I'm still the kid in the neighborhood, but it feels as though the older folks are getting SO much older, so quickly, and I'm feeling better than I have in years.

Good to hear! Keep up the gardening it’s good for the body, mind and soul. It sounds like you moved here recently. I found that after awhile (3-5 years) you can adjust to the high heat. Losing weight helps too as you are no longer “well insulated.” I bicycle with the bike club and we start by 8:00 AM and that helps avoid the heat. I actually prefer summer riding to winter. (below 60 degrees!) That condition of feeling better than you have in years can continue to amaze you. Who would have thought it was possible!

[Whitley]

I learned by watching my father age. He spent the last 10 years of his life tethered to an oxygen line. He also smoked unfiltered Pall Malls.
So I retired at 61 and moved here where it will be easy to age with a one story house and golf cart access to nearly everything.

I think we will live longer in Florida. I had planned on being retired by now. Had the IRA's, A large life policy that paid monthly living expenses. Cancer threw a wrench in that. I was diagnosed with stage 3 canc.. . When traditional methods/treatments did not get it, I went with untraditional methods. Insurance stopped paying at that point. Best made plans... . Although I may not have off 7 days a week, I will be in Florida. Having an income is nice too. May we learn from our parents mistakes, and our children learn from ours. All the best to you.

[Whitley]

Good to hear! Keep up the gardening it’s good for the body, mind and soul. It sounds like you moved here recently. I found that after awhile (3-5 years) you can adjust to the high heat. Losing weight helps too as you are no longer “well insulated.” I bicycle with the bike club and we start by 8:00 AM and that helps avoid the heat. I actually prefer summer riding to winter. (below 60 degrees!) That condition of feeling better than you have in years can continue to amaze you. Who would have thought it was possible!

What is the best exercise to keep the joints moving. I have some missing parts (lung lobe and others) and want to be sure I will be independent when I am 90. Yoga? Bike Riding?

[MartinSE]

My parents live in TV, they are in their mid-80’s, both are starting to have health issues, step-dad had his prostate removed, Mom has always had minor bouts of skin cancer and heart issues. It’s tough to discuss issues because you don’t want to appear particularly “ghoulish” or like you’re just after their money (we have plenty of our own).

Last time we visited (and after a few drinks) I asked Mom if she would stay in TV if Dad passed first or would she want to move back to Maine to be closer me and my sister. She said she would STAY in TV, said she enjoyed the place and enjoyed the neighbors, knew her way around, etc…

The questions we have are:
1. What are your plans if your spouse passes first? Stay or leave? Go to an assisted living facility? Do you have monies for such a move?
2. Do you have a list of assets? Bank accounts, where they’re located, any outstanding loans?
3. Do you have a will? Do Not Resuscitate orders written down anywhere?
4. Burial or cremation? Do you have a cemetery plot purchased or have a place in mind?
5. Do you have a list of all utility providers? Cell phone bill, electric/water/gas bills, home/auto insurance company, Netflix, Cable service….access to these accounts so they can be terminated.

These are the questions I would love to ask my folks, but can’t. Seniors of TV, how would you respond to your children asking these questions? Be honest.

Excellent questions, and it is sad that so often frank honest concern and considerations get mistaken for gold digging. I guess, sometimes it is, but that doesn't make it less sad.

[MartinSE]

I think we will live longer in Florida. I had planned on being retired by now. Had the IRA's, A large life policy that paid monthly living expenses. Cancer threw a wrench in that. I was diagnosed with stage 3 canc.. . When traditional methods/treatments did not get it, I went with untraditional methods. Insurance stopped paying at that point. Best made plans... . Although I may not have off 7 days a week, I will be in Florida. Having an income is nice too. May we learn from our parents mistakes, and our children learn from ours. All the best to you.

So true, and good luck with your treatment options. I wish you well.

What prompted me to start this thread was I recently my annual abdominal CT scan to check on the status of an AAA repair (Abdominal Aorta aneurysm). While reading the Scan, the technical noticed a nodule on my right lung lobe that wasn't there last years, so my PCP ordered a full chest CT for tomorrow.

We don't know what it is yet, so I am just treading water. But, with 45 years worth of dues paid into the I have cancer club (two packs of Pall Mall non filters a day), I think it is about time I was accepted.

My wife and I have been discussing possible paths forward, and I am not interested in any treatment that does not have a good probability of recovering my current quality of life. So, if it is Cancer, and if it is going to reek havoc on my life, I would rather just start palliative care... that is my preferences, and only apply to me, I respect you for fighting back and wish you all the world of luck and good fortune.

[Happydaz]

What is the best exercise to keep the joints moving. I have some missing parts (lung lobe and others) and want to be sure I will be independent when I am 90. Yoga? Bike Riding?

Your doctor is the best source for that information. I had cardiac surgery and my cardiologist said biking was excellent as long as I didn’t race. (I told him I only race when somebody passes me!) Gardening can be good too, but again you should tell your doctor you want to exercise and ask your doctor what is recommended. You could also bring a list of the activities you want to try out and see if those are OK for you to do.

[MartinSE]

Your doctor is the best source for that information. I had cardiac surgery and my cardiologist said biking was excellent as long as I didn’t race. (I told him I only race when somebody passes me!) Gardening can be good too, but again you should tell your doctor you want to exercise and ask your doctor what is recommended. You could also bring a list of the activities you want to try out and see if those are OK for you to do.

Totally correct, at our age the only person to get advice from concerning health issues is your doctor. If you don't trust or feel comfortable asking your doctor, you need a new doctor.

[La lamy]

My parents live in TV, they are in their mid-80’s, both are starting to have health issues, step-dad had his prostate removed, Mom has always had minor bouts of skin cancer and heart issues. It’s tough to discuss issues because you don’t want to appear particularly “ghoulish” or like you’re just after their money (we have plenty of our own).

Last time we visited (and after a few drinks) I asked Mom if she would stay in TV if Dad passed first or would she want to move back to Maine to be closer me and my sister. She said she would STAY in TV, said she enjoyed the place and enjoyed the neighbors, knew her way around, etc…

The questions we have are:
1. What are your plans if your spouse passes first? Stay or leave? Go to an assisted living facility? Do you have monies for such a move?
2. Do you have a list of assets? Bank accounts, where they’re located, any outstanding loans?
3. Do you have a will? Do Not Resuscitate orders written down anywhere?
4. Burial or cremation? Do you have a cemetery plot purchased or have a place in mind?
5. Do you have a list of all utility providers? Cell phone bill, electric/water/gas bills, home/auto insurance company, Netflix, Cable service….access to these accounts so they can be terminated.

These are the questions I would love to ask my folks, but can’t. Seniors of TV, how would you respond to your children asking these questions? Be honest.

I would prefer being the one to offer up those details to a child, but can see how it'd be difficult for a child to manage a passing if a parent never prepared them ahead for this. Tough call. Maybe ask in general terms if a power of attorney has ever been thought about in case of severe illness. Depending on the response, maybe a more thorough conversation could be had.

[La lamy]

What is the best exercise to keep the joints moving. I have some missing parts (lung lobe and others) and want to be sure I will be independent when I am 90. Yoga? Bike Riding?

I've heard walking is the best! But if you can do various exercises that you like, that's probably the best way to stay motivated.

[Happydaz]

So true, and good luck with your treatment options. I wish you well.

What prompted me to start this thread was I recently my annual abdominal CT scan to check on the status of an AAA repair (Abdominal Aorta aneurysm). While reading the Scan, the technical noticed a nodule on my right lung lobe that wasn't there last years, so my PCP ordered a full chest CT for tomorrow.

We don't know what it is yet, so I am just treading water. But, with 45 years worth of dues paid into the I have cancer club (two packs of Pall Mall non filters a day), I think it is about time I was accepted.

My wife and I have been discussing possible paths forward, and I am not interested in any treatment that does not have a good probability of recovering my current quality of life. So, if it is Cancer, and if it is going to reek havoc on my life, I would rather just start palliative care... that is my preferences, and only apply to me, I respect you for fighting back and wish you all the world of luck and good fortune.

I certainly hope that things work out for you. I now see the seriousness of your post. There are many new treatment options available today so if you need to go down that path you may find effective therapy with tolerable side effects. Keep the faith. I am sure all who have posted here or are reading your posts are thinking about you and wishing you the best.