Some very classy insults--oldies but goodies

[CFrance]

Add one of your own.
1. "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play;
Bring a friend, if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.

"Cannot possibly attend first night, I will attend the second...If there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in response.

2. A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows, or of some unspeakable disease."
· "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

3. "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

4. "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow

5. "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

6."Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas

7. "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain

8. "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.."
- Oscar Wilde

9. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop

10."He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
- John Bright

11. "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb

12. "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson

13. "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating

14. "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
- Charles, Count Talleyrand

15. "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
- Forrest Tucker

16. "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain

17. "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West

18. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde

19. "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... For support rather than illumination."
- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

20. "He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder

21. "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx.

22."He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill

[retiredguy123]

He almost dated a psychic, but she dumped him before she met him.

[Ecuadog]

Bessie Braddock said to Churchill, "Winston, you are drunk, and what's more you are disgustingly drunk."

He replied, "My dear, you are ugly, and what’s more, you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly."

[Two Bills]

Churchill is in the lavatory and he’s told, the Lord Privy Seal has got a message for him. And he shouts out, ‘Tell the Lord Privy Seal that I can only deal with one sh*t at a time’…

[Two Bills]

Of Victoria Beckham when she announce she was going to write a book:

She can't even chew gum and walk in a straight line, let alone write a book.

Liam Gallagher

[LuvNH]

Of Victoria Beckham when she announce she was going to write a book:

She can't even chew gum and walk in a straight line, let alone write a book.

Liam Gallagher

Ah Victoria Beckham, a legend in her own mind. Anon

[Boomer]

Lady Astor to Churchill: If you were my husband, I would poison your tea.

Churchill: If I were your husband, I'd drink it.


Boomer

[margaretmattson]

men on this forum: Women have a need to shop in every aisle while we can find everything we need in one.

women on this forum: If you are not going to spend the money, no sense in letting it go to waste.

[mikeycereal]

Of Victoria Beckham when she announce she was going to write a book:

She can't even chew gum and walk in a straight line, let alone write a book.

Liam Gallagher

Back in 2004 when I used to work security, our chief one day admitted to us that he couldn't chew gum and walk at the same time. This guy was serious. He wasn't the sarcastic or humorous type. Now we may have met people in our lifetime that we thought couldn't, but who admits it? :doh:

[kendi]

The previous generation’s sense of humor. Could almost swear I hear my father joining in on this conversation from his grave.

[Ecuadog]

“We have the best Congress that money can buy.” — Will Rogers

[Bonanza]

"If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised"

Dorothy Parker

[Searay50]

"He's a modest man with much to be modest about”

[dougawhite]

You can't expect to get ahead of someone if you're always trying to get even with them.
Anon

[BettyInFL]

Thanks guys, enjoyed the chuckles and guffaws....

[bsloan1960]

Add one of your own.
1. "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play;
Bring a friend, if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.

"Cannot possibly attend first night, I will attend the second...If there is one."
- Winston Churchill, in response.

2. A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows, or of some unspeakable disease."
· "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

3. "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

4. "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow

5. "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

6."Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas

7. "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain

8. "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.."
- Oscar Wilde

9. "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop

10."He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
- John Bright

11. "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb

12. "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson

13. "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
- Paul Keating

14. "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
- Charles, Count Talleyrand

15. "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
- Forrest Tucker

16. "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain

17. "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West

18. "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde

19. "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... For support rather than illumination."
- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

20. "He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder

21. "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx.

22."He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill
"May the fleas of 1000 camels infest your sister's mustache" (Johnny Carson)

[golfing eagles]

"May the fleas of 1000 camels infest your sister's mustache" (Johnny Carson)

Alternatively, from Carson, "May a weird holy man shave a diseased yak in your party dip".

[JohnN]

I'm not sure if you are smarter than you look, or not? - unknown

[JohnN]

Belle: Gaston, you are positively primeval.
Gaston: Why, thank you, Belle.