Older sib is executor. When time comes...how do you know it was handled well

[AMB444]

My father is in his mid 90's. My older sib sister is "executor of estate". In our generation this was given to the eldest regardless of whether they could handle the task.

When mom passed my sib was granted "executor" but handled it badly. My sister didn't care about family memoribilia, antique family photos, childhood pics of family. My children and myself were left out and my sister kept jewelry for herself and her daughter than sent pic of what was left for me.

She had first access and actually told mom's friends to go into mom's house to take out what they wanted without consulting me. The house was cleaned out and I was sent pics of the few items left.

She gave mom's car away to a "friend" of mom's that only showed up 6 months before when mom had 4 stage cancer diagnosis.

Is there anyway to help when dad passes with a much larger estate. It's hard after all these years that my sister would do this.. please be respectful in your comments. Thank you so much.

[asianthree]

I am the oldest with medical higher education. My German father upbringing would only choose younger brother, drop out with bankruptcy past, because he is male.

The week before my father passed away he admitted it was a mistake. Asked me to make sure mom would be taken care of. I informed him that couldn’t happen, I had no legal right to make medical or physical changes because he named executor to my brother.

My mom in need of long term care, there was $$$$$$ to carry her through for 15 years at the best facility. However my brother has been filtering off money from the accounts since the week after dad died. I hired elder care attorney, but wheels take long time. At last account $700,000 has disappeared to my brother bank accounts.( yes have copies all signed checks, withdraws, mortgage payments, his services $900 month for lawn/snow care) He doesn’t have a clue I have online access to all bank accounts, to acquire transactions, but no legal right to stop him, and mom is at the far end of dementia, with no knowledge who anyone is.
Sorry you may hire an attorney, but so far @ $10,000 attorneys fees, the money still disappears, every month, while my moms favorite spends her money.

[dewilson58]

If your dad is of sound mind, you can add an addendum (also known as a codicil) to a will to add another executor. A codicil is a legal document that modifies an existing will without replacing it entirely. It's a way to make minor changes, like adding or changing beneficiaries, gifts, or in this case, adding another executor.

If you have a POA, you can sign this document.

[CoachKandSportsguy]

It's a tough situation, and one that sometimes you just have to accept. A friend's family lost all their inheritance to a second wife, when the trust/wills weren't updated to reflect the second marriage. Parent's mistake. .

I am the executor of both my parents' estate, and I have siblings who think only they are qualified, though they don't have the education nor the experience nor the willingness to do the job required.

Sometimes you just have to accept that your parents were first timers here on earth, and they didn't have the experience nor the foresight to see the situation ahead of time. When we tried to tell my dad he was wrong about the health care proxy, He responded with "Its are all taken care of, its are locked in the safe" He tried to apologize in his own way when at the hospital, and they asked for the document, he said they were home in the safe. . .

So both your parent's are human and are far from perfect, and as they get older, they have less clarity and understanding of their situations, or past actions. . many times less likely to accept they were wrong. .

I have no words of encouragement to rectify the situation, but realize that sometimes, family is over rated. . .

[OrangeBlossomBaby]

My father is in his mid 90's. My older sib sister is "executor of estate". In our generation this was given to the eldest regardless of whether they could handle the task.

When mom passed my sib was granted "executor" but handled it badly. My sister didn't care about family memoribilia, antique family photos, childhood pics of family. My children and myself were left out and my sister kept jewelry for herself and her daughter than sent pic of what was left for me.

She had first access and actually told mom's friends to go into mom's house to take out what they wanted without consulting me. The house was cleaned out and I was sent pics of the few items left.

She gave mom's car away to a "friend" of mom's that only showed up 6 months before when mom had 4 stage cancer diagnosis.

Is there anyway to help when dad passes with a much larger estate. It's hard after all these years that my sister would do this.. please be respectful in your comments. Thank you so much.

My mom told us years before she had her first stroke that she wanted us to take what we wanted while the parents were still alive. Stake our claim, make it known to each other.

Sister knew that I wanted grandma's wedding ring, and mom's engagement ring. I didn't really care about the rest of the jewelry, but we agreed that she'd take the pieces she liked best, and we'd split whatever we got by selling off anything of value (gold, platinum, diamonds, etc). I told her she could put the rest of the jewelry up in auction or at a tag sale and keep the proceeds, as payment toward her executor fee.

Mom passed a little less than 2 years ago. Sister didn't want to deal with the walk-in closet filled with clothing. I told her pick the pieces she wanted to keep for herself, to wear. I picked a few shirts I liked. Then I put EVERYTHING ELSE in boxes, and drove it all back up to The Villages and donated it all to Haven, anonymously. No receipt, no tax deduction needed. There was a fur coat in there, a bunch of silk clothing, a formal gown from the 1950's...and around 100 pounds of other random shirts, blouses, polyester pull-on slacks, and so on.

Now that dad is in his final year(s) as well, we're slowly removing bits and pieces from the house. I took all the soft-cover novels and a big bag of packages of decorative napkins and plates. Those will go on tables next time our neighborhood has a tag sale. I've taken a few pieces of lead crystal - Waterford and what not. I took all the old coins.

The goal here is to take anything we cherish while they're still alive, and anything we personally value immediately after they're gone.

A reason to take it while they're alive (other than reducing risk of losing to auction or debt collector if you have to deal with probate): you can visit with your parent. Show them the item in question. Have a conversation. Reminisce about the last time you saw them with it, or how they acquired it - the trip they took to Japan when they brought back the kimono. The wooden box they inherited from their own father, which HIS father brought with him to the USA, when they moved here after WWI from Germany. You can help connect with your loved one, while taking possession of the things THEY valued. This is priceless. It doesn't pay the bills, but it's still priceless.

[sheena0904]

I am the oldest with medical higher education. My German father upbringing would only choose younger brother, drop out with bankruptcy past, because he is male.

The week before my father passed away he admitted it was a mistake. Asked me to make sure mom would be taken care of. I informed him that couldn’t happen, I had no legal right to make medical or physical changes because he named executor to my brother.

My mom in need of long term care, there was $$$$$$ to carry her through for 15 years at the best facility. However my brother has been filtering off money from the accounts since the week after dad died. I hired elder care attorney, but wheels take long time. At last account $700,000 has disappeared to my brother bank accounts.( yes have copies all signed checks, withdraws, mortgage payments, his services $900 month for lawn/snow care) He doesn’t have a clue I have online access to all bank accounts, to acquire transactions, but no legal right to stop him, and mom is at the far end of dementia, with no knowledge who anyone is.
Sorry you may hire an attorney, but so far @ $10,000 attorneys fees, the money still disappears, every month, while my moms favorite spends her money.
God that sucks….. I’m sorry… my wife’s sister ending up being the executor for her father’s passing who is on drugs. No money has been seen and everything is still in "probate” but not nearly as much money as what you are going through. Gosh what is wrong with people?!?

[margaretmattson]

Do you live close to your parents and sister? If so, communicate calmly what items you would like. Perhaps, she will give them to you before your father dies? Wouldn't this bring comfort to your father? He would be over the moon knowing you have the items to pass on to future generations.

If you live out of state, you should accept what has been done. It is easy to judge from afar. Or, get on a plane, and help with the daily care that is needed. If you fail to do this, I understand why your sister would leave you in the cold. Being a caregiver is extremely difficult. Your refusal or inability to help pierces wounds in her heart that may never heal. Sorry for being harsh. But, you can not expect someone to bend over backwards for you with nothing in return. If she is the only care giver, she is exhausted. Most likely, she needs a break. IF this is your situation, help the family now, or accept the loss. IMO, if you live out of state, there are no in-betweens.

[Topspinmo]

My father is in his mid 90's. My older sib sister is "executor of estate". In our generation this was given to the eldest regardless of whether they could handle the task.

When mom passed my sib was granted "executor" but handled it badly. My sister didn't care about family memoribilia, antique family photos, childhood pics of family. My children and myself were left out and my sister kept jewelry for herself and her daughter than sent pic of what was left for me.

She had first access and actually told mom's friends to go into mom's house to take out what they wanted without consulting me. The house was cleaned out and I was sent pics of the few items left.

She gave mom's car away to a "friend" of mom's that only showed up 6 months before when mom had 4 stage cancer diagnosis.

Is there anyway to help when dad passes with a much larger estate. It's hard after all these years that my sister would do this.. please be respectful in your comments. Thank you so much.

Other than get lawyer.

What happens when greed takes over. I blame the parents, first and last always gets babied and spoiled. Lucky for Me this wasn’t problem born dirt poor raised by my dirt poor grandparents.

[jimbomaybe]

My father is in his mid 90's. My older sib sister is "executor of estate". In our generation this was given to the eldest regardless of whether they could handle the task.

When mom passed my sib was granted "executor" but handled it badly. My sister didn't care about family memoribilia, antique family photos, childhood pics of family. My children and myself were left out and my sister kept jewelry for herself and her daughter than sent pic of what was left for me.

She had first access and actually told mom's friends to go into mom's house to take out what they wanted without consulting me. The house was cleaned out and I was sent pics of the few items left.

She gave mom's car away to a "friend" of mom's that only showed up 6 months before when mom had 4 stage cancer diagnosis.

Is there anyway to help when dad passes with a much larger estate. It's hard after all these years that my sister would do this.. please be respectful in your comments. Thank you so much.
My understanding is that the executor has a fiduciary responsibility , a very high standard that carries criminal as well as civil liabilities for failure to protect and act in the best interest of any beneficiaries, it would follow as a beneficiary you have the right to see all the documentation of their actions. Pointing out those responsibilities to the executor could make them more thoughtful of their actions .

[KSSunshine]

My father is in his mid 90's. My older sib sister is "executor of estate". In our generation this was given to the eldest regardless of whether they could handle the task.

When mom passed my sib was granted "executor" but handled it badly. My sister didn't care about family memoribilia, antique family photos, childhood pics of family. My children and myself were left out and my sister kept jewelry for herself and her daughter than sent pic of what was left for me.

She had first access and actually told mom's friends to go into mom's house to take out what they wanted without consulting me. The house was cleaned out and I was sent pics of the few items left.

She gave mom's car away to a "friend" of mom's that only showed up 6 months before when mom had 4 stage cancer diagnosis.

Is there anyway to help when dad passes with a much larger estate. It's hard after all these years that my sister would do this.. please be respectful in your comments. Thank you so much.

I was the Trustee of my parent's Living Trust. As the Trustee, I followed my parents wishes about distribution of assets and consulted with my siblings about the items they may have wanted. They received a full accounting of how the money was distributed. Since this is a Will, does the Executor Sibling of your Dad's will need to go through the court system. Is this a place where you can contest distribution of goods and funds? An attorney can answer this for you. If your Dad is still legally competent, maybe he can make changes if he understands the situation. It will be ugly, but you have to decide what's best for this situation. Best wishes on a no-win situation.

[Cliff Fr]

[QUOTE=CoachKandSportsguy;2445121]It's a tough situation, and one that sometimes you just have to accept. A friend's family lost all their inheritance to a second wife, when the trust/wills weren't updated to reflect the second marriage. Parent's mistake. .

I am the executor of both my parents' estate, and I have siblings who think only they are qualified, though they don't have the education nor the experience nor the willingness to do the job required.

Sometimes you just have to accept that your parents were first timers here on earth, and they didn't have the experience nor the foresight to see the situation ahead of time. When we tried to tell my dad he was wrong about the health care proxy, He responded with "Its are all taken care of, its are locked in the safe" He tried to apologize in his own way when at the hospital, and they asked for the document, he said they were home in the safe. . .

So both your parent's are human and are far from perfect, and as they get older, they have less clarity and understanding of their situations, or past actions. . many times less likely to accept they were wrong. .

I have no words of encouragement to rectify the situation, but realize that sometimes, family is over rated. . That biblical phrase "money is the root of all evil" applies here.

[vintageogauge]

We each have trusts and each of us are co-trustees of our individual trusts with our two children following. In our distribution section everything is spelled out as what goes to whom as far as any belongings of value. The financial distribution is spelled out clearly and we have had a meeting with everyone so they all know what they will get and what happens when we are gone. They also know that no one can use any of our assets as collateral for loans, etc. We discussed at our meeting the possibility of being taken advantage of if demential sets in and discussed ways to safeguard that at the earliest signs. At around 80 we have now distributed most of what we have that we no longer use or see no future need for and all seem to be happy with that so there will be no arguing over who get's what. Next year we will begin financial distributions and that will continue as long as we live or when we get to the point of having only enough left to cover extended home health care and/or living expenses. So, unless we end up with in-laws that turned into outlaws all should go very well.

[G.R.I.T.S.]

I would try to get a change of executor before he passes. My sister put off settling my mother’s small estate 2 years after her death and then wanted to give all assets to a great niece. I was the bad guy to insist her wishes were honored. All is ok between us and learned later she was suffering from depression.

[La lamy]

I've witnessed families being torn apart by unfair will actions. Such a shame. Hope things work out better with your dad's estate.

[Boomer]

“You can never truly know somebody until you have to share an inheritance with them.”

That’s what a friend of mine told me after she had gone through a lot of family dynamics and drama over an inheritance.

I guess that happens a lot more often than it doesn’t.

(Correctly using beneficiaries on accounts should help to avoid problems for heirs. Might not avoid hard feelings but should get accounts where intended, immediately. I think that is correct, but I am not a lawyer.)

Boomer

[Topspinmo]

“You can never truly know somebody until you have to share an inheritance with them.”

That’s what a friend of mine told me after she had gone through a lot of family dynamics and drama over an inheritance.

I guess that happens a lot more often than it doesn’t.

(Correctly using beneficiaries on accounts should help to avoid problems for heirs. Might not avoid hard feelings but should get accounts where intended, immediately. I think that is correct, but I am not a lawyer.)

Boomer

That’s cause in these times most think they are deserving. And when money involved greed takes over.

[manaboutown]

My parents had a joint will executed in NM. When my mother experienced health issues they moved to WA where my brother, who resided there, had found them a wonderful living facility. My mother soon passed away and her interest in their estate went to my father. My brother took my father to a local attorney to look over the will and make sure all was well with his intentions to pass his estate 50-50 to my brother and me. Somehow, he signed a codicil naming my brother primary executor. Maybe the attorney suggested this as I was not a resident of WA. I really don't know. Dad was 89 years old at the time and in good shape mentally for that age but after a few days of going over the document he had signed he became quite upset and called me to tell me that was not what he wanted to do. He wanted me as the primary executor. He asked me to call the attorney which I did, a very nice lady, by the way. She told me he would have to come in and tell her that he wanted me as the primary and sign a new codicil which of course I knew he had to do. Anyway, they got it done. I called the attorney afterward to verify and asked her if he had made himself clear. She responded "He made himself PERFECTLY clear!" lol

[vintageogauge]

My parents had a joint will executed in NM. When my mother experienced health issues they moved to WA where my brother, who resided there, had found them a wonderful living facility. My mother soon passed away and her interest in their estate went to my father. My brother took my father to a local attorney to look over the will and make sure all was well with his intentions to pass his estate 50-50 to my brother and me. Somehow, he signed a codicil naming my brother primary executor. Maybe the attorney suggested this as I was not a resident of WA. I really don't know. Dad was 89 years old at the time and in good shape mentally for that age but after a few days of going over the document he had signed he became quite upset and called me to tell me that was not what he wanted to do. He wanted me as the primary executor. He asked me to call the attorney which I did, a very nice lady, by the way. She told me he would have to come in and tell her that he wanted me as the primary and sign a new codicil which of course I knew he had to do. Anyway, they got it done. I called the attorney afterward to verify and asked her if he had made himself clear. She responded "He made himself PERFECTLY clear!" lol

A good attorney is crucial. We went to one that was highly recommended and he cut so many corners that we had to go back 3 times to get our trusts in order. After the third visit for him to correct his mistakes he sent us another bill, I called and told him that his bill was exactly the same as the bill we were sending him for making 3 more trips to his office because of his negligence. Case closed.

[Justputt]

Attorney fees for settling an estate aren't cheap. I would approach your dad about how poorly your mom's estate was handled (examples) and suggest he change his will for multiple executors (all you siblings) and wording that requires agreement BEFORE any asset dispersion. My father was specific with some things and more general with others, but it all starts with an appraisal of the estate at the time of death. After your father's specific bequeaths are handled, suggest a round-robin selection where heirs select items based on their $ share of the estate and the appraised value of the items selected. That way the $ value distribution was equal. In our case, if two couldn't agree on who would get an item, it went for auction, and they bided against each other for it. As is, worst case you would have to sue the executor for violating their fiduciary responsibilities, and given their past history, should be a slam dunk.

[Villagesgal]

My brother was Executor when my father passed in Colorado and basically stole everything. Colorado law is in favor of the Executor. My brother was named Executor when my mother passed in California and again tried to steal everything giving things away to his children who showed up with a uhaul truck before I flew out. California requires the Executor to be a fiduciary. I contacted the probate lawyer stating that he broke the terms of the Will and that I would have him arrested if he didn't stop him and pay me my full share. The probate attorney spoke with him, my brother paid me fully for what he had given away, showed me everything financial after that and was told if he tried anything again he would be arrested. Things went well after that, it was a quite large estate. That was 4 years ago. He broke off all contact with me as did his wife and family, but I'm fine with that. Any sibling who would so easily steal from you and totally disregard the wishes of their parent is not anyone I would care to have in my life. Check the laws and rules for Executors in your state and then do what you have to do.

[jimjamuser]

Deaths without perfect wills and executors often generate family animosity. After my grandfather died, my father stopped taking to one of his brothers over who should get what from the estate. Estates often ruin family relationships.

[Slainte]

You might consider filing for Guardianship of your Mom in order to stop the financial decline. You should prevail easily with much less legal costs, if he’s risking Mom’s future care. I’ve seen this happen often with trusts that do not provide a Trust Protector (checks on the Trustee’s following trust instructions & the issuance of annual financial reports by Trustees). I wouldn’t go the route of challenging Trustee to recoup $, I’d file for Guardianship which is, normally, a lower Court who will focus on future care of Mom with $ needed for Mom’s care (recouping $, if necessary, should be easier as Guardian.). I hope it works out quickly; there’s terrible stress in situations such as this. The wording of the Trust is important, though it should not be the prime focus in Guardianship determination - only in that Mom will be left with no resources to maintain her needs. Check for a Guardianship attorney in the area.

[Slainte]

My father is in his mid 90's. My older sib sister is "executor of estate". In our generation this was given to the eldest regardless of whether they could handle the task.

When mom passed my sib was granted "executor" but handled it badly. My sister didn't care about family memoribilia, antique family photos, childhood pics of family. My children and myself were left out and my sister kept jewelry for herself and her daughter than sent pic of what was left for me.

She had first access and actually told mom's friends to go into mom's house to take out what they wanted without consulting me. The house was cleaned out and I was sent pics of the few items left.

She gave mom's car away to a "friend" of mom's that only showed up 6 months before when mom had 4 stage cancer diagnosis.

Is there anyway to help when dad passes with a much larger estate. It's hard after all these years that my sister would do this.. please be respectful in your comments. Thank you so much.
I presumed Dad was now incapacitated & legally unable to change the executor. If Dad is competent to sign an addendum to his Will, changing executors, have Dad go to an attorney to change the named Executor - best if he went to the original attorney if there is a chance of a contest by sister).
As long as Dad is competent, he can change anything/everything. Help Dad get to an attorney.

[AMB444]

My understanding is that the executor has a fiduciary responsibility , a very high standard that carries criminal as well as civil liabilities for failure to protect and act in the best interest of any beneficiaries, it would follow as a beneficiary you have the right to see all the documentation of their actions. Pointing out those responsibilities to the executor could make them more thoughtful of their actions .


Yes, thank you to all that responded! It's so heartbreaking many of the things we've all been through.

Jimbomaybe: thanks so much. This is the answer I was hoping for. My sib just handed me the bill and "handled the estate". Which was small.

But dads' estate will be much larger. How do I go about making sure she handled it right by Dad? I don't want a text again about "how much I owe her" for handling of estate.

I need a lawyer this time with this amount... and not sure where to begin.

Thanks all for your reflections on how you all went through your own journeys.

[AMB444]

I presumed Dad was now incapacitated & legally unable to change the executor.

Yes, thank you. This is exactly what's happening now.

When I just spoke with him a few days ago he had to ask a few times where I was living (Florida) and when my birthday was. He asked a few times where my kids were (we spoke many times in the last few weeks, they are at college).

There is no way to talk to dad about older sib "executor".

[Whatnext]

No arguments when we are gone. We have spent it all.

[gorillarick]

Yeah, you might find out what sociopath trash you have for a sibling.

[JoelJohnson]

When my wife's mother died, her father remarried less than a year later to a woman that had no children. When she died her niece was the executor. My wife was in the will, but the niece never contacted us (even though we hadn't moved for several years). We only found out about it though one of the woman's sisters (that liked us). We found out about the lawyer and contacted him. We got about 10% of the "estate". That was AFTER the niece bought the house at "fair market value". Her car was also sold (not part of the estate), etc. Did we get screwed out of our "fair share", maybe, but we lived in FL and they lived in RI. Since my wife had no direct relationship with the woman, we felt we had no option but to accept the amount we got. The funny thing is that my wife's father said that he would "take care of her", but we never saw a will and the lawyer that her father used had died years earlier. I'm very sure the niece made out VERY WELL!

[ElDiabloJoe]

When my wife's mother died, her father remarried less than a year later to a woman that had no children. When she died her niece was the executor. My wife was in the will, but the niece never contacted us (even though we hadn't moved for several years). We only found out about it though one of the woman's sisters (that liked us). We found out about the lawyer and contacted him. We got about 10% of the "estate". That was AFTER the niece bought the house at "fair market value". Her car was also sold (not part of the estate), etc. Did we get screwed out of our "fair share", maybe, but we lived in FL and they lived in RI. Since my wife had no direct relationship with the woman, we felt we had no option but to accept the amount we got. The funny thing is that my wife's father said that he would "take care of her", but we never saw a will and the lawyer that her father used had died years earlier. I'm very sure the niece made out VERY WELL!
VERY similar thing going on with Mrs. EDJ's father's estate now. When the mother of 5 died in 2016 at age 81, "Papa," aged 85 wasted little time romancing a non-English speaking illegal alien who was the age of his youngest daughter (50 at the time). Marries her a few years later in 2019. The new wife has a daughter or a niece - unsure which. She has claimed both. On some legal documents she has claimed no previous children. We suspect she claimed her as a daughter when she came over the border when she was really a niece. DACA'd now.

Fast forward to 2025. "Papa" dies in April in California at age 91. The new wife reluctantly shared the Trust and Will documents with the eldest sibling. Turns out the Will was initially set to offer the 5 adult children next to nothing, but was amended in 2023 to grant each of the 5 adult children $50,000 each. New wife signed off on the Will, Trust, and Amendment documents, and a lawyer was involved. Would be possible but difficult to claim she was unaware of what she was signing due to language barrier. It appears new wife gets to keep the family home. A little tiny 1100 sq ft house from the 1940's with a single car garage that was long ago converted into the home's living room. Originally purchased for peanuts and long ago paid off, now valued at damn near $900,000! What can I say, East L.A. is gentrifying. Of course there are those on here that swear a primary home is not an investment. Well, it's certainly an appreciating asset if you buy early enough in the right region.

Digressing...

We understand the new wife is legally obligated to fulfill the terms of the Will. Who knows. Papers arrived early June as they are legally supposed to (copy of the Trust and legal language regarding the time to contest). Still waiting on that 4 month contestation period to end to see if $50k actually arrives. Not holding my breath. We'll see.

As for me, my elderly mother is 95.5, also in California. My older brother is the executor. I am the backup executor even though there is a sister between us in age. My brother and I have a good relationship, I'm expecting the division of assets to go smoothly between the three of us. Fingers crossed more and more tightly as that eventuality grows ever more near. Wish me luck!