Land of sages --- Am I an Old fool?

[RayinPenn]

Early last week I was cruising the Web and I came accross the obituary of an old girlfriend's Mother. I was sorry to see it as she was always nice to me. I was shocked to read predecessed by her daughter 'Kathryn..' I thought to myself that can be right! A quick search and I found her obit, she died on Aug 2nd of 2009. We were together for a couple of years in and after college when she tossed me on my ear and said I "wasnt the kind of person she wanted to marry" and a few undeserved, unkind words. (My guess slamming one book close) It took me forever to get over it. Many a night I woke up in a cold sweat. Many years passed then a couple of years back I sent a note to her mother just to see how Kathy was doing. I asked her to keep my inquiry our secret (of course she didnt). The Moms note said married 3 kids lives on LI... It helped.
Ive a great wife, 2 great kids and have been truly blessed more than anyone deserves.. Even though I hadnt spoken to her in 30 years since I read that obit I am struggling with that old "familiar pain". Am I an old fool? I really couldnt talk to anyone about this.


I added this when I got the courage...
I'll post this because I have always been too embarrassed to speak or repeat it and maybe some prospective is appropriate. The first time I went to see her at college (a 100 mile drive) She had the label from another guys underwear on her bedpost. I would have left but if I did and was caught she would have been tossed out of the dorm..it was a 20 ft drop the window i was close to risking it and breaking my leg. she convinced me it was noting but I was a young guy/ fool in love. in other words a dam fool. In retrospect I should have jumped, if it quacks like a duck, looks like a duck..well you know. I or anyone else deserved better. as I sit here 30 years later I think how cruel some people can be, thankfully just not me. It is said a gentlemen will also keep a secret, but even superman can only carry so much. Of course there was more torture. I know too much info but keeping it bottled up was why I had nightmares for so many years...apologies

May god forgive her.

[Bogie Shooter]

Early last week I was cruising the Web and I came accross the obituary of an old girlfriend's Mother. I was sorry to see it as she was always nice to me. I was shocked to read predecessed by her daughter 'Kathry...' I thought to myself that can be right! A quick search and I found her obit, she died on Aug 3rd of 2009. We were together for a couple of years in and after college when she tossed me on my ear and said I "wasnt the kind of person she wanted to marry" and a few undeserved, unkind words. (My guess slamming one book close) It took me forever to get over it. Many a night I woke up in a cold sweat. Many years passed then a couple of years back I sent a note to her mother just to see how Kathy was doing. I asked her to keep my inquiry our secret (of course she didnt). The Moms note said married 3 kids lives on LI... It helped.
Ive a great wife, 2 great kids and have been truly blessed more than anyone deserves.. Even though I hadnt spoken to her in 30 years since I read that obit I am struggling with that old "familiar pain". Am I an old fool? I really couldnt talk to anyone about this.

Does your wife read TOTV??

[RayinPenn]

Thankfully no. Do you mean to imply my grief is essentially cheating ..It isnt I know the lady I married is a catch. Still the deceased wa spart of my life during a very diffcult period.

[Irish Rover]

Dude, the "statute of limitations" never runs out on old girlfriends. This would definitely be a slam dunk winner for your Mrs in one of those late night arguments. Sounds like you have a really nice wife and family. Forget the past and enjoy what you have. Just my opinion - good luck.
Irish

[l2ridehd]

Old girl friends (and old boyfriends) don't age any where near as well as old wine. You always remember how they were, not how they are today. With wine it gets better, not so with old flames. Hug your wife and raise a glass to good memories, then forget about it.

[eweissenbach]

An old girlfriend with whom I had a 2 year relationship died a couple years ago. I had not seen her for thirty some years, but it did stir some surprising emotions in me. Nothing kinky, just a surprising sense of loss.

[RichieLion]

Of course you have a right to grieve. Compassion and love are man's greatest attributes. Besides, you never had "proper closure", as they say, with the split being a bit one sided and probably coupled with the wistful hope that a more amicable "parting" could be accomplished at at later date.

You're to be congratulated for not dwelling on it and getting on with your life and accomplishing the rare treat of finding real love and earning the real love of another.

You've done well and it's no fault but instead a positive character trait that you still have compassion for one who may have showed you precious little.

[2BNTV]

Early last week I was cruising the Web and I came accross the obituary of an old girlfriend's Mother. I was sorry to see it as she was always nice to me. I was shocked to read predecessed by her daughter 'Kathry...' I thought to myself that can be right! A quick search and I found her obit, she died on Aug 3rd of 2009. We were together for a couple of years in and after college when she tossed me on my ear and said I "wasnt the kind of person she wanted to marry" and a few undeserved, unkind words. (My guess slamming one book close) It took me forever to get over it. Many a night I woke up in a cold sweat. Many years passed then a couple of years back I sent a note to her mother just to see how Kathy was doing. I asked her to keep my inquiry our secret (of course she didnt). The Moms note said married 3 kids lives on LI... It helped.
Ive a great wife, 2 great kids and have been truly blessed more than anyone deserves.. Even though I hadnt spoken to her in 30 years since I read that obit I am struggling with that old "familiar pain". Am I an old fool? I really couldnt talk to anyone about this.

Does your wife read TOTV??

I think it's normal to feel sadness and pain when someone who has been a part of your life has passed away. It is like you lost a part of yourself.

If you are concerned and to be on the safe side, consider changing you screen name through the admin in case your wife knows or finds out your screen name and starts being interested in this forum. She will have the ability to look up all your posts.

[Uptown Girl]

Well said, RichieLion.
In your heart, send her thanks for the good things, forgive her the not so good things and wish her well on her continued 'journey'. End it with a smile.

A small ritual (or prayer) such as this, when heartfelt, will give you closure.... that even your wife will understand.

[rubicon]

Rayin Penn: Rejection is never pleasant especially because the break-up was not something you wanted. Apparently you never had closure with that person or event. With her death comes the feeling that closure will never occur. But the reality is you met someone you loved enough to build a life with. It takes to to effect a love story. Pray for the repose of the soul of your past friend and then pray for the blessings of a wonderful wife and family.

[Bogie Shooter]

Thankfully no. Do you mean to imply my grief is essentially cheating ..It isnt I know the lady I married is a catch. Still the deceased wa spart of my life during a very diffcult period.

I am in no position to pass judgment on your greif. Was just raising the issue. When you post something on any site it becomes part of the Internet universe and can show up almost anyplace. You say you have no one to discuss this with.....by posting on a public forum you are now discussing with the world, Im just sayin

[RayinPenn]

Thanks all for the great thoughts and advise. Silly how even at 58 some reassurance can do wonders. I knew there was amazing sage counsel at totv.
Also some kind very kind souls.

[Barefoot]

Well said, RichieLion.
In your heart, send her thanks for the good things, forgive her the not so good things and wish her well on her continued 'journey'. End it with a smile.

A small ritual (or prayer) such as this, when heartfelt, will give you closure.... that even your wife will understand.

Excellent advice from Uptown Girl. There is peace in performing small rituals.

[manaboutown]

About a year ago I found out an old girlfriend whom I had dated off and on for two or three years passed away. It was a shock and I experienced what you are feeling. I dated her toward the end of HS and a little while in college. She ended up marrying a fraternity brother who she probably met on one of our dates. lol. They turned out to be quite the couple and seemed very close. Nonetheless, she and I enjoyed one another's company and never had a fight or break up like you describe. I shared this information with a male friend of mine who had dated her before I met her. He was pretty bummed, too. I think that we grieve the deaths of those with whom we have been close.

My high school class (1960) of over 700 enjoyed its own website for many years which was well maintained by a man who had the time and interest. He posted deaths among other events. Whenever I read about a death of someone I had known fairly well, female or male, it tended to cause me some pain.

[Barefoot]

... since I read that obit I am struggling with that old "familiar pain". Am I an old fool? I really couldnt talk to anyone about this.

It is quite normal to feel a sense of loss when you read an Obit about someone who has been important in your life. You are certainly not an old fool. You're probably also grieving the passage of time.

When a member of TOTV shares that they have a medical problem, or that they've lost a family member or a pet, I feel a real sense of pain. Even if I've never met the writer. If someone has written a moving tribute to their pet, sometimes I cry. It's a normal part of life to grieve losses.

[CaptJohn]

My high school class (1960) of over 700 enjoyed its own website for many years which was well maintained by a man who had the time and interest. He posted deaths among other events.

Whenever I read about a death of someone I had known fairly well, female or male, it tended to cause me some pain.

The same goes for me. All deaths affect me and I like to remember each for their effect on my life which has contributed to my being at this stage of it. I host a website for my HS class (1966) and out of 750, have recorded 37 deaths that I know of. I post the yearbook picture of them for rememberance. Former girlfriends should not be left out.

[RayinPenn]

It's titled Forgiveness. How to make peace with your past and get on with your life. I was hanging on to alot of pointless resentment and anger. Although I had moved on I hadn't actually gotten over it.

I wish I had read this book 30 years ago.

[graciegirl]

It's titled Forgiveness. How to make peace with your past and get on with your life. I was hanging on to alot of pointless resentment and anger. Although I had moved on I hadn't actually gotten over it.

I wish I had read this book 30 years ago.

It wouldn't have made sense thirty years ago. I find that this age has a wonderful sense of wisdom built in.

And the advantage of decades of experience.

It is a wonderful tribute to anyone that we grieve their passing. That means that they mattered and caused us to care for them.

I hope your grief passes because anyone who loved us wouldn't want us to be sad.

[quirky3]

It's titled Forgiveness. How to make peace with your past and get on with your life. I was hanging on to alot of pointless resentment and anger. Although I had moved on I hadn't actually gotten over it.

I wish I had read this book 30 years ago.

RayinPenn, good for you for working this through, and I'm so glad you found that book. Forgiveness is so underrated. It is a precious gift to both parties. We all do our best, and I hope, while moving forward in life, you find just the right people to laugh and play with.

[RayinPenn]

The silver lining of this otherwise dark cloud..
1) I have been appreciating all that I have more...especially the Mrs.
2) I have learned to not be as critical of myself.
3) I recognize now that I let that single event hang in the back of my mind and bother me for far too long


Finally There are far more people that have had a similar experience then you would believe.

[jblum315]

I would love to think that my college boyfriend would feel a little twinge upon hearing of my demise. I certainly remember him -- he can't possibly have forgotten me!

[RayinPenn]

I would love to think that my college boyfriend would feel a little twinge upon hearing of my demise. I certainly remember him -- he can't possibly have forgotten me!

And may there be many many years before he can read it.

[HelenLCSW]

Does your wife read TOTV??
My first thought too!:ohdear:

[RayinPenn]

I'll post this because I have always been too embarrassed to speak or repeat it..the first time I went to see her at college (a 100 mile drive) She had the label from another guys underwear on her bedpost. I would have left but if I did and was caught she would have been tossed out of the dorm..it was a 20 ft drop the window i was close to risking it and breaking my leg. she convinced me it was noting but I was a young guy in love. in other words a dam fool. I or anyone else deserved better. In retrospect I should have jumped. If it quacks like a duck, smells like a duck..well you know. As I sit here 30 years later I think How cruel some people can be..thankfully just not me. May god forgive her. I know too much info but keeping it bottled up was why I had nightmares for so many years...apologies

[graciegirl]

boyhowdy

[RayinPenn]

I'll take that to mean geeze!

[HelenLCSW]

I'll post this because I have always been too embarrassed to speak or repeat it..the first time I went to see her at college (a 100 mile drive) She had the label from another guys underwear on her bedpost. I would have left but if I did and was caught she would have been tossed out of the dorm..it was a 20 ft drop the window i was close to risking it and breaking my leg. she convinced me it was noting but I was a young guy in love. in other words a dam fool. I or anyone else deserved better. In retrospect I should have jumped. If it quacks like a duck, smells like a duck..well you know. As I sit here 30 years later I think How cruel some people can be..thankfully just not me. May god forgive her. I know too much info but keeping it bottled up was why I had nightmares for so many years...apologies
A psychotherapist can probably help you resolve this dilemma --something other than a lost love going on here --just saying' IMHO :ohdear:

[jebartle]

Of course you have a right to grieve. Compassion and love are man's greatest attributes. Besides, you never had "proper closure", as they say, with the split being a bit one sided and probably coupled with the wistful hope that a more amicable "parting" could be accomplished at at later date.

You're to be congratulated for not dwelling on it and getting on with your life and accomplishing the rare treat of finding real love and earning the real love of another.

You've done well and it's no fault but instead a positive character trait that you still have compassion for one who may have showed you precious little.

I could not have said it better!

RayinPenn, totv'rs are a great sounding board, they have gems of wisdom, sounds like you have a wound that has been healed, now get out there and play in this wondeful paradise called TV.