Funny Stuff in Real Life

[2BNTV]

I thought I try to inject more humor in TOTV by things that happened to people in their real life. I'll go first.

A friend of mine asked me to fix his child broken barking dog that moved and barked with the clapping of one's hands. I got my tools and pulled out my meter and started to check why the dog was not moving and barking. I found a switch postion had been moved to the "off" position. I put in the switch to the "on" position.

I asked him to clap his hands and the dog moved and barked. He asked what was wrong.

I replied, "the dog was deaf". He got hysterical which started me laughing.

[pooh]

:1rotfl::1rotfl::clap2:

[Trish Crocker]

When my daughter was around 5 years old she was in Blue Birds (similar to brownies). She came home one day quite excited and told me that her troop had made homemade cookies. I said "That's great! Did you make them from scratch?"...she looked at me with a confused look on her face and said "No, we didn't use scratch...we used flour and sugar."

[2BNTV]

When my son was three and we used to go to my sister's house where he could play with my nephew and niece. I told him one Sunday we couldn't go because Aunt Carol was in the hospital with pnuemonia.

He replied, my grandma has that and "spic and span" too.

He was wondering why I laughed so hard.

[lightworker888]

My husband keep a notebook of his dumb and dumber incidents. A particularly silly one involved his trying to use the electric drill to make a hole in the stone to mount a decoration at the front door. He couldn't get the drill to penetrate, so he went to the hardware store to get what he felt might be a stronger bit, but that didn't work, so he called a friend over who was a handyman and he took the drill and like magic, he drilled a hole. When Michael asked how he did it, he grinned and said, "it helps to have it off reverse!" Boy did Michael feel sheepish.

Another time, just before we were having a neighbourhood party, he thought he was being very careful as he sprayed the weeds with an herbicide but of course there were brown spots all over the front lawn. On the day of the party, a neighbour called out to him " are you spraying paint on the grass?" as he was covering up the spots with green spray paint. Another entry for the dumb and dumber notebook.

LW888

[eweissenbach]

When I was coaching high school basketball we played an away game and one of the officials was a novice. I had been warned by the other school's athletic director and he apologized, but had been put in a bad situation by a last minute cancellation by the official that was supposed to work. Well we had a number of run-ins during the game, disagreement on calls, which is not unusual, but the number was unusual. The other referee was known to me and was competent, but this replacement ref wasn't satisfied to let him control the game, oh no, he made every call all over the court. Finally in the fourth quarter of a close game one of my guards was dribbling the ball into our end of the court, when the ball accidentally hit his foot. It bounced to one of my other players who picked it up when the whistle suddenly blew. The replacement official called out "kicking the ball" and gave the other team posession. I went ballistic and motioned to him to come over to discuss the call, but he refused. I told the other ref that the call was ridiculous, but he said, sorry coach, but it wasn't my call. So I called a timeout and told by assistant to take the huddle. I went to the scorers table and again motioned him to come talk to me, but again, he refused. So I had to walk across the floor to the opponents side of the court while they all booed me, and confront him. I said "Sir, you do know that in order for that to be a violation it has to be intentional don't you?" He nodded yes - so I said "well you have had the opportunity to watch my team for over an hour now and you should know that we are barely able to pass the ball accurately with our hands. We most definitely do not intentionally try to pass it by kicking it." He said "coach if you don't go back to the bench I am going to have to call a technical foul" I said "THAT would be by far the best call you have made all night". He didn't call the T and he didn't change the decision, but at least it gave me a story to tell for the last 30 years. BTW we won by 2 points -- Alls well that ends well!d

[Rebel Pirate]

My Dad was a state drivers license examiner in a state where there was both a 'driving' portion of the test (in the car) and an oral examination. One day my Dad was giving an exam to a recent immigrant (about 60 YOA) who was hoping to earn his first license in this country. Based on their casual conversation, he was a laborer who knew his way around machinery. One of the questions in the oral exam was "What would you do if you came upon a traffic light that was blinking yellow?" The examinee replied "That depends." Somewhat confused, my Dad asked what it depended upon. The recent immigrant replied "If I'm in a hurry I just go on through; but if I have time, I stop and fix it for you!"

[lightworker888]

That's funny Rebel! I'm sure your dad told that one for years!

LW888

[2BNTV]

My friend decided to use his fireplace one evening. He mentioned to his wife he was going to buy sterno logs that each one lasts for three hours.

She replied, "why don't you put all three on and they'll last for nine hours".

You can't make this stuff up folks. :smiley:

[Rebel Pirate]

That's funny Rebel! I'm sure your dad told that one for years!

LW888

He did indeed! He told many humorous stories from his days as a license examiner - many of them revolved around the mis-understanding/mis-communication common for recent immigrants for whom English was a second language.

Another story (that revolved around a native born US citizen) took place in the winter when the roads (including the off-road driving course) were covered with snow. He was in the passenger seat as the driver/examinee pulled back into the row of vehicles in front of the examination center. As she got closer and closer to the police car parked in front of her, his voice grew more insistent and louder that she step on the brakes - which she never did. After they climbed out of the car and surveyed the damage, my Dad asked her why she didn't apply the brakes. She replied that she knew conditions were slippery and she feared that if she used her brakes she would skid and have an "accident." So, he asked her how she would describe this collision...and whether it should be called an "on-purpose"?

[redwitch]

My daughter was an absolute cutie when she was little and she knew it. One day, she pulled some stunt (can't remember what but it was pretty bad and deliberate on her part). I looked at her and asked, "What makes you think you can get away with that?"

With a perfectly straight face, she looks up at me and says, "Cause I'm so cute!"

It took all of my will power to not burst out laughing as I sent her to her room.

[eweissenbach]

One summer about 20 years ago, I was preparing for a big party at my home to honor my top salespeople. We had a wet spring and the mosquitos were abundant and hungry. The day of the party I told a couple of my employees I was going home to do battle with the mosquitos. I stopped and bought several mosquito foggers and headed home. I fogged the bushes and all around the patio and pool area where the party would be taking place. I then decided I had to skim the pool, so I got the skimmer and began the work. As I was wielding the skimmer a big mosquito landed on my temple and inserted his/her beak. I let go of the skimmer with one hand and slapped the mosquito. Got him! However, the blow knocked my glasses off and into the deep end of the pool. Now this was in Fargo North Dakota and we had a very cool summer, so the water temp was about 60 degrees, so I was not about to jump in a retreive the glasses just a couple hours before 30 guests were to show up. So the party went off without my glasses - one of my employees asked me when he showed up, "well how did the battle with the mosquitos go?" I replied, "They won."

The rest of the story occured the next day when we were supposed to leave on a weeks vacation, and I needed to retreive the glasses. The water in the pool was so cold I put on a sweat suit, in order to mitigate the cold. I put my feet in the water and sat on the side of the pool for about five minutes, getting up the nerve to absorb the inevitable shock. Finally I dived in - Franklin Delano, was that cold! I made a couple of dives into the deep end and finally came up with the glasses - EUREKA --- except the glasses had a loose lens that had come out and still was resting on the bottom. Now I had a clear lens laying in 10 feet of freezing (comparatively) water that I had to go back down and find. It took about five dives holding my breath as long as possible each time and feeling around with my hands on the bottom, to finally find the lens. Meanwhile a neighbor having heard me thrashing around, came to the fence and seeing me emerge in my soaked sweat suit, said, what in the hell are you doing? I replied, "You don't want to know, but as for the mosquitos - live and let live!"

[Ecuadog]

Referring to a new medication, I said, "Damn, I forgot to take that stupid pill."

Without missing a beat, my wife said, "You don't need it."

[eweissenbach]

Referring to a new medication, I said, "Damn, I forgot to take that stupid pill."

Without missing a beat, my wife said, "You don't need it."

:1rotfl::1rotfl::1rotfl:

[stuckinparadise]

When my daughter was about 4 years old we had to drive from Alabama to Wisconsin in the dead of winter. There was a horrible snowstorm and the interstate going through Kentucky was covered with snow and ice. Needless to say, I was quite nervous. My daughter kept saying, "mom, mom, mom" and when I asked what, she would say, "nothing". After a couple more rounds of mom, mom, mom, I said, "I'm going to change my name!" She quickly replied, "how about Dumbo."

[Mikeod]

Years ago I was working in the eye department at Camp Pendleton when the front desk called and asked if I would take a call from the OR. Thinking they had some sort of emergency, I took the call. The nurse on the phone explained they were doing a colonoscopy and broke the patient's contact lens. All I could think to say was "My God, you're thorough!". Then we both cracked up.

Turns out, the patient had started tearing and their hard contact lens had popped out and someone stepped on it. They wanted to know if the eye department could handle replacement. We did.

[kathyzapp]

Referring to a new medication, I said, "Damn, I forgot to take that stupid pill."

Without missing a beat, my wife said, "You don't need it."

Years ago I was working in the eye department at Camp Pendleton when the front desk called and asked if I would take a call from the OR. Thinking they had some sort of emergency, I took the call. The nurse on the phone explained they were doing a colonoscopy and broke the patient's contact lens. All I could think to say was "My God, you're thorough!". Then we both cracked up.

Turns out, the patient had started tearing and their hard contact lens had popped out and someone stepped on it. They wanted to know if the eye department could handle replacement. We did.

:1rotfl::1rotfl:

[hotrodgirl]

My husband was a police officer here for 27 years. One day he returned home from work and almost immediately received a call from the station to return. My hubby was 6'4 and built like a fullback, so no one really messed with him. He asked why and they said they had a "situation with a prisoner". Still in uniform, he took off and returned home a half hour later. How bad was it, I asked? He proceeded to tell me that they had some idiot standing on a desk kicking and screaming that he knew karate. Bunch of rookies standing around trying to figure out how to get him down. That's when someone called my Larry to remedy the situation. So I asked what he'd done to get back home so quickly. It was easy, he told me. I just took out my baton, whacked his knees, and told him that while he may know karate, I was an expert in nightstick! That story made the rounds for many years!!

[Happinow]

When my daughter was about 3, we were at home watching TV when the weather came on. We were expecting some bad weather so I said to my chatty 3 year old....hush, I want to see the weather. She replied...well look outside! DUH!!

[gerryann]

I'm enjoying these...they're hysterical.

My daughter at about three years came in the house after being next door. She exclaimed that she was watching a very scary show on tv. I asked her what it was...she said "the toilet zone"..... (I think she meant the Twilight Zone) ;)

[Tom Hannon]

This story was posted on TOTV a few years ago when my wife and I were taking Lifestyle Preview Plan before we decided to become Village people. I searched for the post but it appears to be deleted.

As most of you guys know, during the LSV, you get not only a roof over your head but a no frills white golf cart with no sunbrella.
As I did all the driving as we cruised around town at the blazing speed of twelve miles an hour, I suggested to my wife that she drive it a bit, so she could get the feel of the golf cart experience. She drove to a rec center in the area and then we checked out the pool. After a few minutes of chatting with another couple, we headed back to our Cabana.
A block away my wife starts screaming “Someone stole my ****en cell phone.” She had left the phone in one of the cup holders in the cart. Rather than waste time to explain to my wife how to turn the cart around (She didn’t know where reverse was) I jumped out of the cart and dashed back to the rec center. As I was running, I took my cell and dialed her cell number figuring whoever took the phone I’d hear it ringing and I’d confront the thief who had it. Sure as hell, I heard her phone ringing and I followed the sound to a white golf cart with no sunbrella. The phone was sitting in the cup holder, (the same place my wife had put her cell). Duhhh. The phone wasn’t stolen. My wife was driving away with the wrong golf cart.

[salpal]

I am not making fun of my 90 year old Mother (with dimentia), but this is a funny incident that took place a few weeks ago.

Conversation:

Me: Mom, Andy Griffith died yesterday

Mom: That's a shame, how old was he?

Me: 86

Just after that, I switched on her TV and a rerun of Mayberry was playing.

Me: Look Mom, there is Andy Griffith on TV

Mom: He doesn't look 86 to me

[2BNTV]

A friend of mine gave her 90+ year old mother a beautiful floral arrangement of artificial flowers. her mothers eyesight wasn't great.

Several weeks later she said to her daughter, "those flowers you gave are wonderful as I water them every day and they never die".

[Mikeod]

OK, another one. We visited TV in October one year and gave the agent some items we wanted in our home. In January of the next year, I scheduled a Lifestyle visit for May. In February, we got a call from the agent about a home he felt fit our requirements and we closed in April. We still had the visit booked for May, so we decided to bring my mom with us. (BTW, she liked it so much, she bought a home here as well.)

Anyway, we rented a golf cart from the store on Canal Street. At the end of our visit, I was to drive the cart back to the store and my wife was to drive our rental car there to pick me up. She was still a little disoriented about TV, but I reassured her that all she needed to do was get back on Buena Vista and take Odell Circle to Canal Street then to the cart store. After waiting a while for her at the cart store, I called her cell phone to see where she was. She answered that she was on Odell Circle and didn't see Canal Street anywhere. Turns out she was going round and round the roundabout at Odell, Bailey Trail, and Buena Vista! We still laugh about this. (Well, at least I do.)

[graciegirl]

Years ago I was working in the eye department at Camp Pendleton when the front desk called and asked if I would take a call from the OR. Thinking they had some sort of emergency, I took the call. The nurse on the phone explained they were doing a colonoscopy and broke the patient's contact lens. All I could think to say was "My God, you're thorough!". Then we both cracked up.

Turns out, the patient had started tearing and their hard contact lens had popped out and someone stepped on it. They wanted to know if the eye department could handle replacement. We did.

Omigosh...another keyboard gone with a coffee spit.

MIKE!