When is it time to give up and move closer to children

[mommieswamie]

How do you know when it is time to give up and move closer to your children. What are the signs? How and when do you make such a decision? I am sure that those of us who really want to leave this beautiful place are few and far between, but sometimes it becomes a necessity. So how do you know and what if you know it is time and you don't want to make the decision. You don't want to leave? Then what do you do?

[JoeC1947]

How do you know when it is time to give up and move closer to your children. What are the signs? How and when do you make such a decision? I am sure that those of us who really want to leave this beautiful place are few and far between, but sometimes it becomes a necessity. So how do you know and what if you know it is time and you don't want to make the decision. You don't want to leave? Then what do you do?

Only you can answer these questions for yourself. I know that's not the answer you're looking for but I can't pretend to know your very serious situation.

[mommieswamie]

I guess I was not looking for a specific answer to our situation, but just generally. When is it time. Maybe it is time since I am wondering about it, but I don't want to leave. I view it as a defeat and I don't want to be defeated. But everything is so hard and it's not fun any more, but why can't it be. So surely, there are real signs, a checklist maybe that says - it's time to be closer to children and leave your dream behind.

[chachacha]

i am not in your situation but i would imagine if there are serious health problems with frequent hospitalizations and need for loving care, then yes it would be better to be near children...if it is just some household help that one needs as we get older, there are other solutions which might enable you to stay in your home, such as Visiting Angels etc....i hope you find just the right thing for you....

[mommieswamie]

Thanks for your answer, chachacha. It is actually very thought provoking. There are serious health problems with hospitalizations (Florida Hospital Orlando next week) and yes we certainly need loving care, but at the same time, we do have Visiting Angels services. They are absolutely wonderful and they do help me to be able to care for my husband in our home. But at what point do I say that's all I can do. I don't want to be defeated. I guess it's just very late at night and I am just wondering - looking for signs that will guide us to the right decision. Stay here? - move closer to children? (and, by the way, we are blessed to be wanted by our children) I don't want to move. I have not had enough yet.

[gamby]

Family are all you have if you really look at it. You sound lonely, the village is a nice place but being near your kids and grand kids may mean more at this time in your life.
We just moved here and miss the kids and grand kids always . We came from connecticut with the cold winters and really love Florida's weather but
"Home is where your heart is"" so we will see how things go here.

Very best
A

[sueandskip]

What does your soul say ?

[mommieswamie]

Family are all you have if you really look at it. You sound lonely, the village is a nice place but being near your kids and grand kids may mean more at this time in your life.
We just moved here and miss the kids and grand kids always . We came from connecticut with the cold winters and really love Florida's weather but
"Home is where your heart is"" so we will see how things go here.

Very best
A

Yes, you are certainly right about family being all you have. And, indeed, I am lonely in my ordeal and need to make a decision. I really do have a lot of friends here that I used to see and a lot of activities that I used to participate in, so maybe the signs that it is time to end the struggle are right in front of me, but I don't want to see them. I want our life to be the way it used to be, but...

[mommieswamie]

What does your soul say ?

I don't know. I am having a hard time hearing it. Something else keeps saying "I don't want to leave the beautiful life that we used to have."

[redwitch]

I'd say it's time when you really can't cope any more. When the day is long and the night is longer because of the concerns and worries. When Visiting Angels isn't enough; when just friends doesn't cut it. It's not giving up. It's moving on to the next stage of life. Not always a pleasant choice.

I'm sorry you're having to contemplate this.

[jblum315]

I think maybe a sign is when you are so overwhelmed and your kids know it and they are concerned and worried enough that you feel their pain.

[mommieswamie]

It has indeed been a long night and now a day of caregiving - yes, with the help of Visiting Angels - but without any of our 6 children and 9 grandchildren. I think I am beginning to hear what my soul is saying.

[shcisamax]

I think that you may be framing the question in your mind in the wrong way. You have mentioned a couple times that you don't want to be defeated. That position takes your active choice out of the equation. Get rid of that thinking! This isn't a matter of being defeated. This is first and foremost really about where you are going to feel loved, feel connected, and feel you have a meaningful life...whatever that means to you. In that context, you will make a better decision. Good luck.

[senior citizen]

.............

[mommieswamie]

I think that you may be framing the question in your mind in the wrong way. You have mentioned a couple times that you don't want to be defeated. That position takes your active choice out of the equation. Get rid of that thinking! This isn't a matter of being defeated. This is first and foremost really about where you are going to feel loved, feel connected, and feel you have a meaningful life...whatever that means to you. In that context, you will make a better decision. Good luck.

Yes, I have mentioned that. I guess I want to be "successful" at caring for him. But, truthfully, who of us is above needing help and needing to be in a supportive environment. How could moving closer to children who want us there be "being defeated". Indeed that is negative thinking, when such a decision should be viewed as a positive one. Thank you for your insight. I do appreciate it.

[shcisamax]

Be careful of your definition of successful....You are already going through the thought process of what would be the best decision...i.e. successful outcome. That will guide your success. And remember, part of the equation is how you do.. This isn't about turning back the clock, this is about making the time as pleasant and rewarding as possible. I hope I haven't overstepped my bounds. Hugs to you during this decision. I know it is tough.
BTW: Senior Citizen has quite a bit of insight. Perhaps pm her for specific suggestions.

[senior citizen]

............

[tainsley]

Good sound advice by all. Perhaps renting your home here in TV and moving back home to be with your family is an option. That way your decision is not final and if you decide to return you have your home to come back to. The answer will come to you...you will know what to do.

[mommieswamie]

Is it a "long distance move" back to the homefront? Or a short move?

The two children who are the most vocal about wanting us close to them are 800 miles from here, one to the west and one to the north. Our children live all over the US.

Is your husband capable of such an exhausting move? Can he travel?
I'm assuming he is the one you are caring for in your home.

It is my husband. If we were to do this, I would simple pack clothes and equipment and leave the rest, coming back later with one of my children to spruce up to rent. (we have downsized several times already and our home is amazingly organized)

Being a 24/7 caregiver does take its toll, mentally and physically.
I cared for my mom with Alzheimers for six years in our home here and we even moved her with us to Florida and back to Vermont again, when she was still in the early stages........closing up her home , etc. and ours, only to return north to "our support system".

To me, you sound to be at the stage where perhaps your loved one might be ready to go into some type of skilled nursing facility????? We slowly inched my mom into a type of assisted living place (where she would go for short intervals if we were on vacation) so when her time was right, she knew everyone in the community care type home.

It is not Alzheimers as his mind is perfectly clear. It is a progressive neurological disease. His body is becoming weaker and weaker.

She ended up sitting on the couches with her old Senior Citizen friends, the ones she'd go on trips with when all their husbands were alive. At the very end only, she was placed in a skilled nursing facility in the Alzheimers wing.

They were wonderful. I could never have "done" that stage of the disease..........although I did feed, bathe, dress, etc. her for the six years........I could write a book about the six years she lived with us.
Now, some of the antics might seem comical, but to me , at the time they were not.

Luckily I've always had a lot of patience.....plus had help via adult daycare in our town , which would come in the mornings and pick up all the eldery via van and then return them home at 3 p.m.

It was like sending your little ones off to school. Not weekends, just days.

Finally, assisted living was the next step.......when I could no longer get her in and out of the tub and she was deathly afraid of the shower.

While in the assisted living, we met a lot of wonderful senior citizens.
One lady would always tell me that she "wished she was still in Florida".
Her family moved her up to Vermont so they wouldn't have to keep flying down to her retirement area. She missed all the music, the dancing, the activities...........and just kind of lounged around in bed all day. She was perfectly mobile, but seemed depressed.........she was taken out of her chosen retirement place in Florida and moved to Vermont where they could only sit out on the front porch during three seasons of the year.

We met others who wished they were back in their own homes.
Their kids didn't visit much anymore, etc. Everyone gets busy with their own lives and schedules.

If your children are supportive and will pitch in to help you with your loved one.......and you really feel you could live with them, or nearby, then that would be your choice........but if you do have a circle of friends who give support here, then stay where you are. How old are you?

I am 70. The child to the west wants us to come live with them. No, no, no. I would never burden any of our children like that. Indeed they do have their own lives. We are blessed that they want us, but no, never. The child to the north wants us to buy a house together with a mother-in-law suite. Again, no, no. In either case, we would live near by either buying a small house or moving into a continuing care community, or something, I don't really know at this point.

It's sad, but even the most loving family of children HAVE CHILDREN OF THEIR OWN and careers, community activities, etc.....and not all the time in the world to actually do a lot for the older generation. If you have the type of support in TV that you find helpful, then stay put.

We have the physical support, but are very much in need of emotional support. As you can see, I have been up most of the night on TOTV.

If your loved one is bedridden, then maybe it would not matter where he was located. However, if he is mobile to some degree or you are able to get him outside in a wheelchair or scooter.......then Florida's flatness would be much easier than city streets or rural country roads. I know.

Bedridden 50-50 and we do have a new Hoverround, but we are limited to our street at this point as I have not figured out the Hoverlift part for the car. It is so expensive.

My mom walked very quickly and was good that way up to her late 80s but then as she approached 90 she fell......at the assisted living.....once she entered the skilled nursing facility at age 90, they immediately put her into adult diapers and a WHEELCHAIR. That was exactly what the owner of the assisted living place told me "would happen". Maybe it was the downward slope of end stage alzheimers.........but she soon lost her ability to speak or communicate............long story.

Moving her back north to "our support system" helped ME to care for her for the six years, visit her for the next three.......when she needed more help than I could give............it's a progression. How old is your loved one????

He is 75. We want him at home. His mind is just fine.

I wish I could have kept mine forever.......it was definitely a life lesson in growing old.

MOVING LONG DISTANCE IS NOT EASY ON THE ELDERLY OR THE AILING. GOD BLESS.

p.s. Now, my mom who had been a feisty woman her entire life became very very very docile with her early stage alzheimers and dementia.
Some become beliggerant......not mine. She was thankful for every little thing and easy to have around, except for the SUNDOWNERS SYNDROME which showed up at night when they roam around the house doing strange things they do not recall in the morning..........

This was my mother.....so female taking care of female.

Not sure if I could do the same for a beliggerant older man.

He is the kindest, most loving person ever - not one nasty bone in his body.I could never put him in a facility of any kind, but something is going to have to change as I am exhausted.


We saw plenty of them in the skilled nursing wing.......trying to escape.
It would take three nurses just to dress them. So sad. These were people from all walks of life.

Thank you so much for sharing your story and for your insights.

[mommieswamie]

Be careful of your definition of successful....You are already going through the thought process of what would be the best decision...i.e. successful outcome. That will guide your success. And remember, part of the equation is how you do.. This isn't about turning back the clock, this is about making the time as pleasant and rewarding as possible. I hope I haven't overstepped my bounds. Hugs to you during this decision. I know it is tough.
BTW: Senior Citizen has quite a bit of insight. Perhaps pm her for specific suggestions.

No you have not overstepped your bounds at all. Yes, we do need a better quality of the time we have left together - definitely something better than an exhausted crying wife. That's no good for him or for me.

I am unbelieveably touched by the outpouring of help from all of you during this long night.

[mommieswamie]

Please read my post above this one of yours.

Defeated? I had a lot of friends who were in the "same boat" as I was, caring for their mothers or even their mothers and dads.......and some their inlaws....or as they called them, their "outlaws" AT HOME......with dementia, alzheimers, stroke, etc.........never heard one mention their "challenge" as being one of defeat or success.

We did what we had to do.........other family members (meaning siblings) would not or could not share the responsibility of an elderly 80 something to 90 something year old parent.

CONCERN? Definitely yes. WORRY? A big yes. Fatigue? Definitely.
But never thought of it as defeat.

I always worried I'd wake up in the morning and find my mom had fallen down the stairs and broken a hip or something........we live in a tri level with two staircases.........she "wandered all night long" with the Sundowners Syndrome............so I am the one who lived with STRESS.

Finally, I told my husband that it was either me going to the nursing home or her.......you will know when you reach your limit.

Apparently you do have some help in the home. I was running an "at home computerized business" at the time......so the Adult Daycare helped immensely......but it was just like having the nursery school drop off my "new baby" at the end of the day. However, I had no "inhouse" help, neither cleaning nor care of my mom........I did it all for her and we both took her to her doctor appointments, etc.

Upon arrival home from "Adult Daycare" at 3 p.m. she would take all of her clothes off in the foyer......like a two year old might do......even though I'd laugh and tell her the FEDEX man was coming soon or the UPS guy. Again, I could write a book . I'd dress her back up again and she'd go upstairs to her room.......then streak across the upstairs hallway, naked, to her bathroom..........finally I'd dress her again and she'd sit downstairs in the living room and watch t.v. until suppertime.

To me, you are the one who sounds depressed and perhaps at the end of your rope, so to speak. God Bless you and yours.

I am definitely reaching the point where we must make some changes. I am very thankful for the many words of wisdom I have received during this night.

[mommieswamie]

Good sound advice by all. Perhaps renting your home here in TV and moving back home to be with your family is an option. That way your decision is not final and if you decide to return you have your home to come back to. The answer will come to you...you will know what to do.

Yes, yes, renting the house here, going to be close to one of our children, refilling our emotional bank for however long it takes. We would then have the option to return to TV or stay where we were. I think that is what has me the most concerned. I don't want to make a permanent decision, but I am exhausted and we must do something.

We do have a lot of help and support here in TV, but it is all paid help and support. If we go to be close to one of our children, I still expect to have paid help but the smiles and hugs of our children and grandchildren are priceless and much needed now.

By the way, there is one thing I have not mentioned throughout all of this - my husband would be thrilled out of his mind to be near one of our children. He would move his weakened body out of his hospital bed with every bit of strength he could muster and head straight for the car today.

[senior citizen]

...............

[tainsley]

I will keep you in my thoughts. Sounds you already know the answer.

[senior citizen]

..............

[mommieswamie]

I will keep you in my thoughts. Sounds you already know the answer.

Yes, I think I do too

[mommieswamie]

The photos of your absolutely beautiful angelic grandchildren made my day.

Thank you so much. I was wondering if anyone would notice. The two baby girls live to the north, actually it is South Carolina, not that far, and we have visited there quite a bit. The two boys and the 4 year old girl with the big smile live in Louisiana where I grew up, so neither place is really far or strange to us.

It is difficult, to say the least, when they are spread out all over the country.

On the one hand, I want to say that they would bring great JOY to your husband.......via visiting, if you two were in closer proximity to them.
Just look at those beautiful little faces.

On the other hand, knowing what I know about "aging in place" in Vermont, had we discovered THE VILLAGES SOONER........I would think that my mother would have enjoyed the outdoors much more........even at the end stage. In the beachfront condo, we had to go up and down elevators................even the laundry rooms were on "every other floor" and at the time we were 49 years old...........the other residents were grumpy 70 years olds (which we almost are now)........they didn't like it if someone used their laundry room............my mom with alzheimers who was about 83 then said , "Well, where do you expect her to do our laundry if there is no washer and drier on the third floor?" That stumped them. She still had her social skills........but had lost every other ability.....this was only the "BEGINNING OF HER ALZEHIMERS".

Now, if a loved one has something like Parkinsons, Lou Gherig's Disease ALS, Multiple Sclerosis, etc..........I would think the sunshine would be more cheerful on a daily basis than the cold dark north........except for the closer proximity to those beautiful grandchildren.

The grandchildren and the sunshine and familiar places go together. If I can figure out a suitable place for us to stay for a while, this might be the answer.

If it were my husband and he had the same wonderful disposition as yours, I would keep him at home.........I'd "put myself into his place" meaning think like he thinks and I'd be worrying, "Am I being a burden to my wife?"..........no one wants to do that.

You've already won your "wings in heaven" if we believe in heaven, but to do what you are presently doing is truly the most unselfish act one can accomplish..........except dying for a buddy during wartime,maybe....

If he's lost his ability to speak, perhaps he cannot relay this to you...but he feels it deep inside.

His voice does not project like it used to. He used to give speeches to non-profit groups and 3 day training sessions. He could not do that now, but his speech is still here and is quite clear - well sometimes he struggles for words.

I agree with you. I've always told my husband that as great as our adult kids are...........I would NOT want to move in with them. We've been independent too long........and everyone has their own lifestyle nowadays.

Your postings are most valuable...........so continue to "think out loud" for the rest of us. Great food for thought. Our day will come. It comes when one leasts expects it.......such as caring for a loved one.

Thank you for saying that. I never thought that I might be helping someone else. I feel that I have been just sweeping in the help all night.

My dad's sisters all took care of their 95 year old mother while we lived out of state. It was just something Italian families did.

My mom took care of her mom as I took care of mine.

My husband's mom took care of her mom after a stroke and nursed her dad through throat cancer.........she always told her kids, "I hope you never ever have to change my diapers like I do theirs"........well, guess what, her eldest daughter ended up taking care of her and her husband.
Cycle of life.

My husband would sit with his friends (as a teenager) out in their backyard and "babysit" his Grandma......how did they amuse her?
They played cards with her. Since she only spoke Polish, she'd laugh and kind of enjoy herself, along with her grandson and his teen friends.

I guess it's the cycle of life. I wish I were closer to give you a break.
I would gladly sit with your husband and read to him......

How very kind of you to even think of such a thing.


Thank you so much.

[hotrodgirl]

I can only reply that I am so sorry you are feeling conflicted with your situation and hope you find the answer within yourself somewhere. And I hope you will have an easy transition. I am young yet, but widowed, and have contemplated what I would do when I can no longer care for myself. I plan to move to a continuum of care facility as I have dealt with a parent who needed constant attention with dementia. I don't wish to be a burden to my child who works full time and has her own family. So this was the best decision for me. Perhaps as the time draws near I may change my mind, but it seems a prudent solution for now. Would an assisted living facility in TV be an option for you? Then you could remain here essentially... I believe that when the time comes, you will make the best decision for yourself and your family. I wish you peace and comfort.

[quirky3]

I think that you may be framing the question in your mind in the wrong way. You have mentioned a couple times that you don't want to be defeated. That position takes your active choice out of the equation. Get rid of that thinking! This isn't a matter of being defeated. This is first and foremost really about where you are going to feel loved, feel connected, and feel you have a meaningful life...whatever that means to you. In that context, you will make a better decision. Good luck.

I think this is a really healthy perspective, and I do feel for you. My neighbor, a widow in her 80's, decided last year to move to a flexible living center near Winter Park FL because it was becoming too difficult to care for her house on her own, and she was having health problems. She decided to be proactive, research and visit places, and make the choices herself as kind of an adventure in her next phase of life. It is an hour or two from one of her sons. But she plans to make new friends and create a life with the support network she needs around her.
It sounds like you are an exhausted care-giver, which makes me think it is time to change your circumstances to the next level of support in care-giving, perhaps a flexible assisted living situation that makes it easier on everyone. Also, maybe there are caregiver support groups that can help.
You can design your next stage of life to be rewarding, supportive, and full of new friends and adventures. You can try out different choices - and you can change your mind if something doesn't work out. Try to visualize what daily life would be like - the support, activities, weather, emotional feel, and "go for it". I do wish you well.

[quirky3]

You may have heard this saying before - sometimes when life's circumstances feel very confining, it's a precursor to a transformation to the next stage in life -

[njbchbum]

Yes, yes, renting the house here, going to be close to one of our children, refilling our emotional bank for however long it takes. We would then have the option to return to TV or stay where we were. I think that is what has me the most concerned. I don't want to make a permanent decision, but I am exhausted and we must do something.

We do have a lot of help and support here in TV, but it is all paid help and support. If we go to be close to one of our children, I still expect to have paid help but the smiles and hugs of our children and grandchildren are priceless and much needed now.

By the way, there is one thing I have not mentioned throughout all of this - my husband would be thrilled out of his mind to be near one of our children. He would move his weakened body out of his hospital bed with every bit of strength he could muster and head straight for the car today.

you have received some wonderful thoughts and advice from posters - but - your last paragraph made me think that perhaps your decision could be best considered by figuring out what is best for your husband at this time of his life. to me it sounds that the closeness of family will help you turn any feeling of defeat into one of success and happiness. prayers for you and for your husband.

[Mack184]

Actually we're operating in reverse...We moved closer to my wife's parents so they didn't have to consider other options.

[2BNTV]

You have received invaluable insight for previous post and only you can make a decision.

I think it would be prudent for you to be near the most available resourses and support system. My mom fought like heck to not be in a nursing home, so "being defeated" is only when you totally give-up. It is not when you want the best quality of life for you and your loved one.

These decisions are not easy but I would take comfort in that your children want to be there for you. In the end, family is what's most important.

Best wishes for your optimum health.

[senior citizen]

.........

[rubicon]

How do you know when it is time to give up and move closer to your children. What are the signs? How and when do you make such a decision? I am sure that those of us who really want to leave this beautiful place are few and far between, but sometimes it becomes a necessity. So how do you know and what if you know it is time and you don't want to make the decision. You don't want to leave? Then what do you do?

When is it time to mover closer to your children? The first time you aks that question you have already made that decision. All that remains is a detailed plan. It is a moot discussion for me since I have two kids that I see often. I do not have any grandchildren.

I can tell you that above all my wife and kids come first because there is not one other aspect of living on God's green earth that matters more to me than them. And they will be the only thing i will miss when I pass.

[Mack184]

You have received invaluable insight for previous post and only you can make a decision.

I think it would be prudent for you to be near the most available resourses and support system. My mom fought like heck to not be in a nursing home, so "being defeated" is only when you totally give-up. It is not when you want the best quality of life for you and your loved one.

These decisions are not easy but I would take comfort in that your children want to be there for you. In the end, family is what's most important.

Best wishes for your optimum health.
My father passed away some years ago, but my mother turned 90 in October. She still keeps her own house and still drives. My sister lives near-by and gives a helping hand, but my mother is determined to keep her own life until she absolutely cannot. I'm glad my sister lives by her, and while they spend a good deal of time together, she's not dependent on her. I hope I have half her energy when I reach 70 as she does at 90!

[rjm1cc]

How do you know when it is time to give up and move closer to your children. What are the signs? How and when do you make such a decision? I am sure that those of us who really want to leave this beautiful place are few and far between, but sometimes it becomes a necessity. So how do you know and what if you know it is time and you don't want to make the decision. You don't want to leave? Then what do you do?
I did not read all the post. I assume the problem is that you need help with your husband. My mother had the same problem. She did what you did but in the long run it was not enough. With a lot of advice from family and friends she decided it was best for her husband and for her to put him in a nursing home. Part of the benefit was better care for her husband but also a lot less in the way of care giving demands that she just could not keep up with. Sounds like you should do this, go back to your old way of life and visit your husband. Going home for relatives to help might only make the problems worse as far as the quality of family life goes.

[ssmith]

...I feel that what I am hearing is that you are not ready to be at this point in your journey, that you want things to be as they were (ie giving up on your dreams). I don't know if this is right or not....it may be that you are having to say goodbye to what your life was and that you will have to face the reality of where your lives are...and by doing that you feel that you are giving in. If that is true, then it sounds as if you are working through the reality of where life has you. You will know will know what to do.

Sorry for your husbands health issues. It does sound very serious. I agree that being a primary care-giver takes a toll! Praying you find the right answer for you!

[eweissenbach]

I have lived many places, and have found something to love about each and every one. The Villages and the lifestyle afforded those fortunate enough to live there is magical. However, I am reminded of something that I have tried to live by - Happiness is not a place. Happiness takes peace of mind among other things and it sounds as though that may be laking in your current life in TV. It also sounds as though your husband's well being may be compromised here, which will cause your peace of mind to suffer. It seems to me that the decision is inevitable. Your happiness and that of your entire family seem to be taking you there. God Bless you as you continue your journey.

[jane032657]

My parents moved from Boston to Tamarac, Florida after my dad had one of the first ever triple by passes and could not stand the Boston cold anymore. They lived in their home in Tamarac for 30 yrs. but then my mom became exhausted from looking after my dad on her own with no family. My husband and I had them come live with us, where they stayed for 1 1/2 yrs in Seattle where we lived and then moved into a retirement home near our house. To make a long experience short, my dad passed away a year ago and we have just moved my mom back to Florida to Sumter Place Assisted Living and we will arrive tomorrow to live in our new home in The Villages which we bought a year ago. My parents always wished they had stayed in the warmth of Florida but appreciated being cared for and having us close tby to deal with multiple issues. My mom has now returned to her beloved Florida and is loving it. But the point is, family can support you while you need it. You can come bak to your home in The Villages when the time is right. But let your children give back to you when you need it. And then go home again when you can be able to enjoy it without worry. And if you choose to stay with or near your children, then sell your place in The Villages. Unburden yourself and let the kids help out. It is a mitzvah which means they get to do something of great value and meaning from the heart.

[2BNTV]

My parents moved from Boston to Tamarac, Florida after my dad had one of the first ever triple by passes and could not stand the Boston cold anymore. They lived in their home in Tamarac for 30 yrs. but then my mom became exhausted from looking after my dad on her own with no family. My husband and I had them come live with us, where they stayed for 1 1/2 yrs in Seattle where we lived and then moved into a retirement home near our house. To make a long experience short, my dad passed away a year ago and we have just moved my mom back to Florida to Sumter Place Assisted Living and we will arrive tomorrow to live in our new home in The Villages which we bought a year ago. My parents always wished they had stayed in the warmth of Florida but appreciated being cared for and having us close tby to deal with multiple issues. My mom has now returned to her beloved Florida and is loving it. But the point is, family can support you while you need it. You can come bak to your home in The Villages when the time is right. But let your children give back to you when you need it. And then go home again when you can be able to enjoy it without worry. And if you choose to stay with or near your children, then sell your place in The Villages. Unburden yourself and let the kids help out. It is a mitzvah which means they get to do something of great value and meaning from the heart.

:agree:

Posted by mommieswamie:

The two children who are the most vocal about wanting us close to them are 800 miles from here, one to the west and one to the north. Our children live all over the US.
I would simple pack clothes and equipment and leave the rest, coming back later with one of my children to spruce up to rent. (we have downsized several times already and our home is amazingly organized)
I am 70. The child to the west wants us to come live with them. No, no, no. I would never burden any of our children like that. Indeed they do have their own lives. We are blessed that they want us, but no, never. The child to the north wants us to buy a house together with a mother-in-law suite. Again, no, no. In either case, we would live near by either buying a small house or moving into a continuing care community, or something, I don't really know at this point.
He is 75. We want him at home. His mind is just fine.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

It sounds like your thinking along the lines of what Jane said. You will know when the time is right and what to do when you are beyond exhaustion and your body says "I can't do this anymore".

My cousin was a caregiver for both her parents and she is 70. About a year ago, she said "I can't do this anymore", and had to put them both in a nursing home. She is not a well person herself. You sound as if your trying to maintain your independence which is fine as long as you have the strength. It's more of your decision as you are the caregiver. Have you discuss this dilemna with your husband?

My mother used to say there was a saying in Italian, "In like a baby, out like a baby"

I wish you strength and courage to do the right thing. Don't ever give up on your dreams.

[SALYBOW]

If I were seriously ill especially terminally ill, I want to be near my loved ones. Or TV gets so crowded it is no longer fun.

[mommieswamie]

I am so heartened by all these caring responses. So much wisdom and sincere good wishes is apparent in every post. I am truly thankful to all of you. I do not wish to start another sleepless night of wondering, figuring and dreaming of "what ifs". I must drive my husband to Orlando tomorrow for admittance to the hospital for more testing. I will share all of this with my husband when the time is right. In the meantime, I am still wondering what to do. I thought I knew but now I don't.

I should explain what I mean by using the word "defeat". I am fiercely independent and have always felt that I could do anything worthwhile that I set my mind to do. Indeed, one of the things that I am most proud of is getting my masters degree from Vanderbilt Univ. while living 3 1/2 hours away, when my children were 2, 4, and 6. I had no emotional or financial support from my husband, at the time (we divorced years ago) and I did not do one bit of it online, by mail or any other virtual way. I showed up in person in class every single time and I did it all in 2 years. That degree served me very well in a worthwhile career for many years.

I view caring for my husband as a challenge of love, one that I want to do well, but truthfully, I must admit that I am not the "superwoman" that I envision myself to be and it is time to reach out to the children who love us. And - by the way - my richest reward in life, exceeding no other, is the love and success of my children. When children want their mother to come and live with them in the same house, you know you must have done something right along the way.

Thank you all - off to bed for the drive tomorrow - many many things to ponder - such good caring advice. Thank you.

[gamby]

.

What do your Kids have to say ?? I'm assuming you are close to them ?
If this is so you should confide in them .

[mommieswamie]

.

What do your Kids have to say ?? I'm assuming you are close to them ?
If this is so you should confide in them .

Our children, all 6 of them, are wonderful and yes - we/I have confided in them. They want us to move close to them. We are blessed that they want that. As you can see from the way that this thread has progressed, I don't know what to do.

Thank you for your caring.

[gamby]

Go and have this time of life with your family; I think you will be happy you did. Start looking foward to all the great times you will have ,


Happy Trails

A

[senior citizen]

...........

[TomW]

On the emotional side, it is time to change your circumstances when it becomes a drudge to face every day of one's current situation. If there are few or no "good days", it is time to move on. If one needs assistance with bathing, toileting, eating or medicating and you are living alone, those are also checkpoints for it being time to change the circumstances. Last, if you are not sure about handling your daily affairs and your money, it is probably time to change. After watching my elderly parents delay the decision until the last minute, I suggest you probably know when the current chapter of life is closing and it is time to make a change. It is much better to walk into the new situation than be carried or wheeled into it due to an injury.

[gomoho]

So mommiewamie said 3 days ago she was taking her husband to Orlando for more tests. Have you returned, what were the results? Do you need help in Orlando. Are the kids here helping you? Please don't leave us hanging if you are sincere with this post.

[gerryann]

Whatever your desision, it will be the correct desision for your circumstance. You sound like a very smart and loving wife and you will do fine. You are so blessed to have caring children who are opening their hearts and homes to you. Good luck to you and your husband whatever desision you make. God bless.

[janmcn]

All hospitals have social workers that deal with situations like this on a daily basis. Perhaps it's time to get a third party involved who can ask the proper questions to the patient and the caregiver. Perhaps they can offer solutions you have not thought of.

Also, a caring compassionate physician should be brought into the discussion. He or she knows more about what lies ahead physically and emotionally.

[2BNTV]

All hospitals have social workers that deal with situations like this on a daily basis. Perhaps it's time to get a third party involved who can ask the proper questions to the patient and the caregiver. Perhaps they can offer solutions you have not thought of.

Also, a caring compassionate physician should be brought into the discussion. He or she knows more about what lies ahead physically and emotionally.

An excellent suggestion that might give one more insight.

[shrl1]

I am thinking about moving to the villages later. I have never had a retirement as I have had to care for a dependent husband health wise. I would like some advice on a single person living there.

[eweissenbach]

I am thinking about moving to the villages later. I have never had a retirement as I have had to care for a dependent husband health wise. I would like some advice on a single person living there.

I would suggest you start a new thread asking that question. I'm afraid your concern will be lost in this thread and is sort of off subject. Ed

[2BNTV]

I am thinking about moving to the villages later. I have never had a retirement as I have had to care for a dependent husband health wise. I would like some advice on a single person living there.

:welcome: to TOTV.

To post a new thread:

1. Click on the "Home" page.
2. Click on "Singles".
3. Click on "New Thread".
4 Give your thread a title.
5. Type in the body of the message.
6. Click on "submit".

I hope this helps you as your post will be probably lost as mentioned by Ed.

[mommieswamie]

All hospitals have social workers that deal with situations like this on a daily basis. Perhaps it's time to get a third party involved who can ask the proper questions to the patient and the caregiver. Perhaps they can offer solutions you have not thought of.

Also, a caring compassionate physician should be brought into the discussion. He or she knows more about what lies ahead physically and emotionally.


We are back from the three day test at the hospital in Orlando. Indeed I did take advantage of all the case manager/social work help that was available at the hospital. It was pretty clear to everyone that I was exhausted and really did not know what to do. This 3 year decline has also been devastating for my husband too. He went from a vibrant man to someone completely dependent, weak and sick.

The results show that NPH (normal pressure hydrocephalus - a treatable disease - yes treatable - all this time) is very likely the diagnosis. He will have a shunt implanted in the brain to drain the excess spinal cord fluid into the abdomen some time within the next couple of months. He has the potential to return to more of the person that he was. I am so heartened and encouraged yet in a state of shock at the length of time that it took to come to this. (3 years - tests, tests, more tests, hospitalizations, doctors, trip after trip to Mayo - no answers) Plus the toll it has taken on us both - he, sick, weak, dependent - me, Caregiver Stress Syndrome written all over my face.

In the interim, he has agreed to go to a rehab hosp to gain some strength and give me a rest.

I guess we can put off moving decisions for a while and give this a chance to turn our lives around. Time will tell.

My heartfelt thanks to all of you. I cannot believe how long this thread has gone on. The kindness and concern of strangers (yes - I know - some of you know exactly who I am and that's ok) is incredible. That first sleepless night when I sat here and started off with an idle generic type question was just amazing to me. As the night went on and more and more responses came, it became so clear that there were a tremendous number of really caring people out there. So much wisdom in the responses, plus I received several personal messages that were so comforting to me.

I will continue to follow up on this thread as it is pretty clear to me that so many of you really care. Thank you, thank you all - from the bottom of my heart.

[Peachie]

We are back from the three day test at the hospital in Orlando. Indeed I did take advantage of all the case manager/social work help that was available at the hospital. It was pretty clear to everyone that I was exhausted and really did not know what to do. This 3 year decline has also been devastating for my husband too. He went from a vibrant man to someone completely dependent, weak and sick.

The results show that NPH (normal pressure hydrocephalus - a treatable disease - yes treatable - all this time) is very likely the diagnosis. He will have a shunt implanted in the brain to drain the excess spinal cord fluid into the abdomen some time within the next couple of months. He has the potential to return to more of the person that he was. I am so heartened and encouraged yet in a state of shock at the length of time that it took to come to this. (3 years - tests, tests, more tests, hospitalizations, doctors, trip after trip to Mayo - no answers) Plus the toll it has taken on us both - he, sick, weak, dependent - me, Caregiver Stress Syndrome written all over my face.

In the interim, he has agreed to go to a rehab hosp to gain some strength and give me a rest.

I guess we can put off moving decisions for a while and give this a chance to turn our lives around. Time will tell.

My heartfelt thanks to all of you. I cannot believe how long this thread has gone on. The kindness and concern of strangers (yes - I know - some of you know exactly who I am and that's ok) is incredible. That first sleepless night when I sat here and started off with an idle generic type question was just amazing to me. As the night went on and more and more responses came, it became so clear that there were a tremendous number of really caring people out there. So much wisdom in the responses, plus I received several personal messages that were so comforting to me.

I will continue to follow up on this thread as it is pretty clear to me that so many of you really care. Thank you, thank you all - from the bottom of my heart.

What incredible news, Mommieswamie, that your husband has been diagnosed with the insidious illness, NPH. It must be so encouraging to know that he may continue to improve after treatment but devastating for you to know this could have been diagnosed sooner and saved much heartache. May the two of you get all the treatment and rest you both need.

[Mudder]

I am so happy for both your and your husband. I know someone who took a similair journey, both spouses are "new" people now. Keep the faith, stay here, your kids will be happy for you both to be getting what you need.

[Schaumburger]

Keep us posted on TOTV how you and your husband are doing in the coming weeks. Keeping both of you in my thoughts and prayers that you both have turned the corner and that better times are ahead for both of you.

[Villages PL]

How do you know when it is time to give up and move closer to your children. What are the signs? How and when do you make such a decision? I am sure that those of us who really want to leave this beautiful place are few and far between, but sometimes it becomes a necessity. So how do you know and what if you know it is time and you don't want to make the decision. You don't want to leave? Then what do you do?

If the decision is difficult at this time, give yourself more time. Put it off for a bit longer until you feel more sure of the need to move. I believe there's consuling that can be requested through Medicare and/or a Medicare HMO, but I'm not sure. Perhaps they could make an objective assesment and help you to decide.

[Mack184]

Just a word about the hospital social workers. As in so many other areas of employment their ranks have been severely cut by budget constraints. There are fewer of them to handle ever-increasing case loads. These people have their hands full daily with the huge influx of uncared for mental & drug addicted patients and these social workers are stretched to the max. So...please be patient with them if they do not operate at the speed you would hope that they would when you are seeking their help. They are constantly being pulled in 15 different directions every single work day.

[mommieswamie]

Just a word about the hospital social workers. As in so many other areas of employment their ranks have been severely cut by budget constraints. There are fewer of them to handle ever-increasing case loads. These people have their hands full daily with the huge influx of uncared for mental & drug addicted patients and these social workers are stretched to the max. So...please be patient with them if they do not operate at the speed you would hope that they would when you are seeking their help. They are constantly being pulled in 15 different directions every single work day.


Indeed that was my experience, but they were helpful to a degree.

This story is not over yet. In my heart of hearts, I'm not sure NPH is the correct diagnosis for various reasons; however, he wishes to go ahead with the shunt, the doctors have recommended it and we will hope for the best. Time will tell. I desperately hope that I am wrong.

[NotGolfer]

I didn't read ALL of the responses on this thread but wanted to just share with you...I know that when you initially began writing here that you probably were pondering while typing what your options were. Our daughter often writes (even began a blog) to sort out her emotions, her issues and just life in general.

I'm so sorry that you're having to go through all this without your family close by. I've often thought to myself, what I would do if anything (God forbid) should happen that's similar to your situation. We don't know until we're faced with it. It sounds like you explored as many options as you could. Prayfully, I hope that your husband will respond positively to this treatment you mentioned! Keep us updated, if you will, on your journey!! Thank you for sharing!!!!

[micknjudy]

Oh my...we just went through this for the last 3 years due to my husband's health. We sure didn't want to leave The Villages but we knew we needed family support. One morning we woke up and both of us just knew his health is not going to improve and I fear if I suddenly end up in the hospital he cannot stay alone. We have wonderful friends and neighbors but we all have a little something on our plates. The decision just hits us & we haven't looked back. We are on our way back to the cold North but have 14 warm-hearted family members waiting for us. We do not expect them to take care of us or provide our entertainment and there is no place like the Villages but our decision to move "back home" was a very long and personal decision.

[HMLRHT1]

When u start to ask the question

[Madelaine Amee]

I am thinking about moving to the villages later. I have never had a retirement as I have had to care for a dependent husband health wise. I would like some advice on a single person living there.

Yes, please start a new thread on this topic of being a caretaker and then being able to live your life.

[mommieswamie]

The medical tests and advice that I mentioned in an earlier post have not turned out to be correct. The decision has been made. Actually deep inside I have know for a long time what needed to be done, but I just did not want to do it. It is just too beautiful here and I did not want to leave. I am supposedly the healthy one, but in truth my own physical and emotional health have suffered greatly while caring for my husband. We had one really good year here out of the five that we have spent here. We will remember that one good year.

Next Sunday, I will pick him up from the rehab hospital where he is now and we will drive to SC to be close to the youngest of our 6 children. We will live in a Continuing Care Community - one that allows us to rent yet receive the full benefits that such a place offers. We are not selling our house nor are we taking anything with us except what will fit in the car. We do have a friend driving us. Our home here will remain a respite place for me, a place for our children and grandchildren to visit, a rental property, a good investment, a place to allow our friends to vacation and a good memory for the two of us.

I am experiencing the most amazing sense of peace - the kind of peace that comes from making the right decision.

[mommieswamie]

When u start to ask the question


So very true

[graciegirl]

The medical tests and advice that I mentioned in an earlier post have not turned out to be correct. The decision has been made. Actually deep inside I have know for a long time what needed to be done, but I just did not want to do it. It is just too beautiful here and I did not want to leave. I am supposedly the healthy one, but in truth my own physical and emotional health have suffered greatly while caring for my husband. We had one really good year here out of the five that we have spent here. We will remember that one good year.

Next Sunday, I will pick him up from the rehab hospital where he is now and we will drive to SC to be close to the youngest of our 6 children. We will live in a Continuing Care Community - one that allows us to rent yet receive the full benefits that such a place offers. We are not selling our house nor are we taking anything with us except what will fit in the car. We do have a friend driving us. Our home here will remain a respite place for me, a place for our children and grandchildren to visit, a rental property, a good investment, a place to allow our friends to vacation and a good memory for the two of us.

I am experiencing the most amazing sense of peace - the kind of peace that comes from making the right decision.

I am saddened to hear this as I had only begun to know you. I am glad you brought it up, as I hope it helped you hear what others thought and it allowed us to remember that all of us will be faced with this decision.

I am heartened to hear that you feel peaceful about your decision.

Godspeed and blessings and wishes for a warm and welcoming new home.

Hugs,
Gracie

[tainsley]

The medical tests and advice that I mentioned in an earlier post have not turned out to be correct. The decision has been made. Actually deep inside I have know for a long time what needed to be done, but I just did not want to do it. It is just too beautiful here and I did not want to leave. I am supposedly the healthy one, but in truth my own physical and emotional health have suffered greatly while caring for my husband. We had one really good year here out of the five that we have spent here. We will remember that one good year.

Next Sunday, I will pick him up from the rehab hospital where he is now and we will drive to SC to be close to the youngest of our 6 children. We will live in a Continuing Care Community - one that allows us to rent yet receive the full benefits that such a place offers. We are not selling our house nor are we taking anything with us except what will fit in the car. We do have a friend driving us. Our home here will remain a respite place for me, a place for our children and grandchildren to visit, a rental property, a good investment, a place to allow our friends to vacation and a good memory for the two of us.

I am experiencing the most amazing sense of peace - the kind of peace that comes from making the right decision.

You and your husband will be in my thoughts and prayers. So happy you have that sense of peace within! Safe journey to you both!

[shcisamax]

I wish you well in your upcoming changes. I am very happy for you that after the challenge of the decision you have come to a peaceful journey.

[OldDave]

I was so glad to see your post. I've been wondering every day how things were going. I am also very glad you've made a decision. I think making a decision, when there really isn't a choice you like, is the hardest part. I think you are realizing that now and it is bringing you the peace of not having to worry about deciding. I hope all goes well with the trip and you are able to be comfortable in SC and enjoy some time together.

Please let us hear from you from time to time.

Dave

[Mudder]

I am so happy for you that a decision has been made. I hope your husband will enjoy all the love that will surround him. My hope for you is that you will finally be able to truely relax, renew, refresh, your health is so important too.

[2BNTV]

The medical tests and advice that I mentioned in an earlier post have not turned out to be correct. The decision has been made. Actually deep inside I have know for a long time what needed to be done, but I just did not want to do it. It is just too beautiful here and I did not want to leave. I am supposedly the healthy one, but in truth my own physical and emotional health have suffered greatly while caring for my husband. We had one really good year here out of the five that we have spent here. We will remember that one good year.

Next Sunday, I will pick him up from the rehab hospital where he is now and we will drive to SC to be close to the youngest of our 6 children. We will live in a Continuing Care Community - one that allows us to rent yet receive the full benefits that such a place offers. We are not selling our house nor are we taking anything with us except what will fit in the car. We do have a friend driving us. Our home here will remain a respite place for me, a place for our children and grandchildren to visit, a rental property, a good investment, a place to allow our friends to vacation and a good memory for the two of us.

I am experiencing the most amazing sense of peace - the kind of peace that comes from making the right decision.

I am so happy that you have come to a decision as I know that great relief and peace comes with it. I'm sure you know in your heart this is the best thing to do.

Best wishes for your future health and happiness.

[mommieswamie]

Hello NotGolfer - Just sent you a pm.

[mommieswamie]

Once again I am so heartened and comforted to see the incredible outpouring of support offered by the kind people of TOTV.

This has been such a learning experience. Indeed you can teach an old dog new tricks and the trick that I learned was when there are choices, just follow your heart and let it lead you to the sense of peace that comes with making the right decision. Internal conflicts will always reign when you do not listen to your inner voice. Peace, peace, Christmas with grandchildren, love, family support, being met next week at our new home by four family members, the calmness of my husband's voice - I could go on and on. It was a long time coming, but the right decision has been made.

As I said earlier, we are not selling this house. While it is clear that my husband's travel days are over, I still may turn up from time to time.

Thank you all so much.

[travelguy]

May God be with you in your journey.

[Schaumburger]

Best of luck to you and your husband and to your extended family. Peace of mind is a wonderful thing to have.

[mommieswamie]

As we spend our last few days here (but remember friends, we are not selling the house here and I may turn up again sometime) I would like to share a little of our journey here in The Villages. It has been an adventure and a good one in spite of illness, doctors, appointments, OT, PT, home health care, CNAs, medical equipment, hospitalizations, many many tears and so much physical pain and suffering.

Five years ago close friends in MD bought their retirement home here. I decided we needed a little vacation so off we went to The Villages for a five day vacation. We returned home five days later, homeowners complete with furniture from Southern Lifestyles. We had bought a villa. My husband was not sick yet and we thoroughly enjoyed our villa, entertaining family and friends. Well after one visit from family when we had 5 adults, 2 babies and 2 dogs in the villa for a week, we decided we needed a bigger house.

So - we built a premier house, the largest floor plan offered by The Villages. During the building of this house my husband was beginning to experience the neurological problems that are so difficult for him now. We moved into the house 2 weeks after his surgery at Mayo Clinic. We lived in the premier house for two years. We thoroughly enjoyed it, but his health was seriously declining and he was on home health care toward the end of that time. When it was apparent that just getting from the bedroom on one side of the house to the kitchen on the other side of the house was very hard for him, we decided to sell the house. As we had so much medical equipment and medical support people coming and going, I thought we should move out in order to sell the house. So we moved to a furnished villa, but amazingly we got a phone call in the car on the way to the villa. Friends of friends wanted to buy the house and the next day it was a done deal. We had already moved out, so I did not want to move my sick husband back in.

At this point the caregiving stress was becoming very obvious and I absolutely could not wrap my brain around buying another house at that point, so we rented a designer house for 6 months. At 4 months, I began to see my way clearly to buying another house here, so we bought a designer house with a beautiful pool which is where we live now. Some of you may remember my posting requesting help with personal business. I did find someone and she has been very very busy and so helpful.

Notice friends, not once did I consider moving closer to family and my husband was just too sick to make decisions.

Anyway, I just thought some of you might be interested and besides that - I think we hold the record - 5 different houses in The Villages. I think most most people live in 3.

With your permission, I will probably post a few more times. At some point this thread should conclude. I know that all of you have helped me. I hope in some way that I have helped you all. I feel that our journey really does not end until next Monday when we pull into our new home in SC where we will be met by 3 adult relatives and 2 beautiful baby granddaughters.

Once again, friends, peace reigns. Across the board, my friends and family are all saying that I seem so much more peaceful and sound so much better. My husband is working hard at the rehab hospital so that he will be whatever his personal best is for this trip.

Thank you all for listening and for caring. We will take every good wish that you all send with us on this trip as we go toward family, warmth and peace.

[Villages Kahuna]

How do you know when it is time to give up and move closer to your children. What are the signs? How and when do you make such a decision? I am sure that those of us who really want to leave this beautiful place are few and far between, but sometimes it becomes a necessity. So how do you know and what if you know it is time and you don't want to make the decision. You don't want to leave? Then what do you do?Both my wife and I "did our duty" and took care of our parents in their final years--a lot of work and constant emotional stress. We've said to ourselves that we'd never want --or expect--our children to care for us that way. So our answer to the question you posed is NEVER. There are plenty of options for care, even fully assisted living, here in TV. When "our time" comes, that's what we're planning on.

[mommieswamie]

Both my wife and I "did our duty" and took care of our parents in their final years--a lot of work and constant emotional stress. We've said to ourselves that we'd never want --or expect--our children to care for us that way. So our answer to the question you posed is NEVER. There are plenty of options for care, even fully assisted living, here in TV. When "our time" comes, that's what we're planning on.

Very interesting answer. It is clear that my decision is not fully understood. I will address this further tomorrow when I am not so tired.

[Rbgold]

Mamieswamie,
As a "child" of an aging parent who still lives independently (in NJ and So Fla) and who has long term care Insurance (she never wanted to be a burden to her 3 daughters), I know that when she has been hospitalized for whatever reason I feel so much better when I am able to see her and visit her and give her a hug and tell her I love her. My sisters who live in Colorado feel the same as I do, but it is not as easy for them due to the distance. Pure and simple, it's LOVE that makes us do what we feel is best for all concerned - our spouses, our parents, our children, our family.
I wish you an easy journey and transition as you enter this next phase. You will be surrounded by the love and support of our family which is the best medicine for you, your husband and your precious family! God bless!

Rona

[senior citizen]

.........

[senior citizen]

...........

[mommieswamie]

Both my wife and I "did our duty" and took care of our parents in their final years--a lot of work and constant emotional stress. We've said to ourselves that we'd never want --or expect--our children to care for us that way. So our answer to the question you posed is NEVER. There are plenty of options for care, even fully assisted living, here in TV. When "our time" comes, that's what we're planning on.

Ok, I am not so tired now and have had time to reflect a bit. I feel absolutely no necessity to defend or explain our decision in any way, but as one who enjoys good conversation - here goes.

I think I can identify a little bit with what you are saying but in a slightly different area. I think that none of us wish to burden our children with whatever we felt burdened with with regard to our parents. In my case it was the accumulation of "stuff". When my mother died, I inherited the house that my sister and I grew up in. As it had been our family home for 55 years, it was indeed full. Now you might think, just take out a few important or nice things and get rid of the rest, but that was really not possible. Our parents loved to travel and our mother loved to shop plus she had excellent taste. The house was filled with beautiful family antiques, silver, oriental rugs, etc purchased along the way during their many travels. Plus they never threw anything way except obvious trash. It was a beautiful home filled with family treasures. Without going into details, it took me and my sister 10 years - yes 10 years - to sort through everything to either use ourselves in our homes or pass things on to our children. While it is wonderful to visit our children and see the beautiful things that I grew up with, I have vowed to my children that I will never burden them by leaving such a lifetime accumulation of things in one house.

So - back to the topic at hand - yes we are moving to be close to one of our children. Never for one minute did I think of this as a move so that our children could be more able to take care of us. It is a move toward warmth, love, smiling beautiful grandchildren and peace. Being the fiercely independent person that I am, I really do not want anyone taking care of me. I can take care of myself just fine. It is my husband who cannot take care of himself, so I am taking care of two people. The continuing care community where we will live has various living options. We will be living in the independent living area. I have arranged for caregivers to come in to care for my husband - notice, I said caregivers - not our children. The difference is grandchildren can also come over as can our daughter, her husband, their in-laws (whom we know quite well), plus we will be more centrally located for the rest of our 6 children and their families.

I remain solid and peaceful about this decision. We must all make the best choices possible for ourselves being guided by what just plain feels right and that is what I have done.

[senior citizen]

............

[CaptJohn]

May peace continue to be with you and yours. Thank you for sharing. It has been heartwarming for me.

[mommieswamie]

I love you all, even though I do not know you. Even though I have many friends and family members that I can share thoughts with as freely as I wish, the kindness of virtual strangers has been overwhelming.

Now for a lighthearted thought - my biggest worry about this move - yes I said biggest - is that we do not have any winter clothes, only FL clothes. Instead of attempting to buy a whole new wardrobe, I simply went on Amazon and purchased several pair of knee high socks to cover the distance between the bottom of my capri pants and my toes which are usually bare since I only have sandels to wear. Earlier this evening, I got a text from my husband - he no longer uses the computer but can still tap out things on an IPhone - saying that the doctor was just in to see him to advise him that he would need some good thick knee high socks for the trip.

Amazing - the only thing I have to worry about now is socks.

[CFrance]

I love you all, even though I do not know you. Even though I have many friends and family members that I can share thoughts with as freely as I wish, the kindness of virtual strangers has been overwhelming.

Now for a lighthearted thought - my biggest worry about this move - yes I said biggest - is that we do not have any winter clothes, only FL clothes. Instead of attempting to buy a whole new wardrobe, I simply went on Amazon and purchased several pair of knee high socks to cover the distance between the bottom of my capri pants and my toes which are usually bare since I only have sandels to wear. Earlier this evening, I got a text from my husband - he no longer uses the computer but can still tap out things on an IPhone - saying that the doctor was just in to see him to advise him that he would need some good thick knee high socks for the trip.Amazing - the only thing I have to worry about now is socks.

A good, safe journey to you in your capris and knee-highs! A difficult decision, but I'm sure you will be happy with it. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[2BNTV]

Ok, I am not so tired now and have had time to reflect a bit. I feel absolutely no necessity to defend or explain our decision in any way, but as one who enjoys good conversation - here goes.

I think I can identify a little bit with what you are saying but in a slightly different area. I think that none of us wish to burden our children with whatever we felt burdened with with regard to our parents. In my case it was the accumulation of "stuff". When my mother died, I inherited the house that my sister and I grew up in. As it had been our family home for 55 years, it was indeed full. Now you might think, just take out a few important or nice things and get rid of the rest, but that was really not possible. Our parents loved to travel and our mother loved to shop plus she had excellent taste. The house was filled with beautiful family antiques, silver, oriental rugs, etc purchased along the way during their many travels. Plus they never threw anything way except obvious trash. It was a beautiful home filled with family treasures. Without going into details, it took me and my sister 10 years - yes 10 years - to sort through everything to either use ourselves in our homes or pass things on to our children. While it is wonderful to visit our children and see the beautiful things that I grew up with, I have vowed to my children that I will never burden them by leaving such a lifetime accumulation of things in one house.

So - back to the topic at hand - yes we are moving to be close to one of our children. Never for one minute did I think of this as a move so that our children could be more able to take care of us. It is a move toward warmth, love, smiling beautiful grandchildren and peace. Being the fiercely independent person that I am, I really do not want anyone taking care of me. I can take care of myself just fine. It is my husband who cannot take care of himself, so I am taking care of two people. The continuing care community where we will live has various living options. We will be living in the independent living area. I have arranged for caregivers to come in to care for my husband - notice, I said caregivers - not our children. The difference is grandchildren can also come over as can our daughter, her husband, their in-laws (whom we know quite well), plus we will be more centrally located for the rest of our 6 children and their families.

I remain solid and peaceful about this decision. We must all make the best choices possible for ourselves being guided by what just plain feels right and that is what I have done.

FWIW - I think you have made the right decision for you and your husband.
Being at peace within one's soul is priceless. I'm sure your children will feel better being closer and will want to help you with things that need to be done.

May you and your have a happy holiday season and a happy new year.

[Jerseygirl08]

FWIW - I think you have made the right decision for you and your husband.
Being at peace within one's soul is priceless. I'm sure your children will feel better being closer and will want to help you with things that need to be done.

May you and your have a happy holiday season and a happy new year.

Mommie: Wondering how things are going for you and your husband. Loved reading this incredible story of love and family.

[DianeM]

You know it's time to go home when your heart longs for the people you love and miss.

[Futurevillager2013]

You sound very sad. If you are depressed you should speak to a professional regarding this. Depression isn't something to take lightly. It is very common to want things to be the way they once were. It is important to know that things cannot be the way the once were and that isn't always a bad thing. Time changes things, children become adults and their independence tells us we have done a wonderful job raising them to become the independant adults they are. Missing them is very common especially if you are experiencing challenging times. Pray that the answer will come to you and it will. Don't dwell on finding the answer from someone else. You will find the answer yourself. What is best for you will happen. You will know what to do when the time is right.

Hope this helps.

A- from Collier

[ping]

I'm not at that point yet, but have given it some thought. Of course being around your family is comforting in some ways, but also stressful. I would hate to put my children in the position of caregiver. It would be a burden on them ( no matter how willing they were) and I do not want that. Rather deal with a health care person who is paid to do the job. I would in your case, stay put and take advantage of the assistance the Villages provide. I would do whatever it takes to stay where the weather allows you get out, where there are people with whom you can spent time, where you are happiest. Your children have their own life, you live yours life where it is best for you.

[senior citizen]

.........

[Bonnevie]

as the single mother of an only son, one of the reasons I moved here was so I'd have things to do in my senior years. I have jokingly told him I'll have my assisted living facility chosen before I need it so he doesn't have to worry about me.

[looneycat]

I don't know. I am having a hard time hearing it. Something else keeps saying "I don't want to leave the beautiful life that we used to have."

maybe it's time to invite them down, Florida is a great destination...

[2BNTV]

Mommieswamie:

As time goes by, your heart and mind will be at peace and a correct decision will be made. Only you will know, when you are at peace with your decision.

[pooh]

Just an update for all....mommie has indeed moved from TV. I will let her provide as much or as little info as she wishes to, when she wishes to or when she can.

[Jerseygirl08]

My best regards to Mommie. Hoping she and her husband are doing well, are happy as can be, enjoying the children and grandchildren.

[jblum315]

This thread is a year old and sad and never really resolved.

[Djembe dude]

Why would anyone want to burden their children, they have a life of their own.

[senior citizen]

...........

[mommieswamie]

I just happened onto this thread that I started quite a while ago and saw that there were some additional comments and postings long beyond what I realized was here.

This thread is sad and not really resolved but life can be sad and not resolved, but at the same time happy and fulfilling. I am learning that attitude is not everything but it helps.

We did move to another state close to one of our children in Dec, 2012, but we returned to The Villages in Jan, 2013. The reasons were many and complicated, but in retrospect it was not a good decision to return as it led to many more months of illness and struggles away from our children who wanted us to be closer.

And so the decision was made again, but this time with more peace and resolve and acceptance of increased illness.

In September we left The Villages again and are now very close to one of our children. My husband is well cared for in a facility about 6 miles from a little house that I have bought. Our youngest daughter and her growing family (#10 grandchild is on the way - we have 6 children total) lives about 6 miles the other direction.

We are not a burden to our children. This I know for sure. We are not only closer to children and grandchildren, but cousins, nieces and nephews too. I now have help with caregiving and the joy of living close to some of my grandchildren is wonderful. I was even able to leave for a week to visit other grandchildren in a different state since I now had someone else to be available for caregiving for my husband. I had not visited them in 4 years.

My husband is closer to me, where as in Florida he was 35 miles away. I am able to spend more time with him. While there are still mountains to climb, many aspects of life as easier and more rewarding.

And - guess what folks - it's not all one way - I am the resident computer expert. My children are thrilled to have me close enough to fix their computers in person, not just over the phone. How many of you have adult children who call you to fix their computers. I do and it's lots of fun.

So we have moved on. And now that we have, I do not feel like it was "giving up", but just the next phase of life. This was the right decision for us. Last winter, it was not the right decision. Life comes in statges or chapters and now we have gone on to the next chapter. The golden retirement years in Florida are over for us. It was one of the many beautiful chapters in our life.

I am really flattered and heartened by the many kindnesses expressed in this thread. I remember very well the night of sleepless crying that led to the start of this thread. We finally came to the best decision for us. It may not be right for all but it works for us. Caregiving is a very lonely job without the support of family. We are blessed that we were wanted.

[lanabanana73]

So happy to have an update. Thank you. Life really is divided into chapters as we write the story of our life, isn't it? And, there is much to be said for the peace that comes as we recognize where we have control and where it's best to give up a little of that control. Hugs to you and thanks so much for sharing a part of your journey!

[CFrance]

Thanks for posting this, mommieswamie. It sounds like you made a hard decision, but it has turned out well. How lucky you are to have so many caring people around you. Blessings on you and your family.

[eweissenbach]

There is no script for our lives, we write it as we go. There is no one perfect path to happiness. Whatever path we chose we must make a happy path. I have lived in many places and found much to love about each one. Contentment is not a location, it comes from within us.

[Jejuca]

I am so glad for you! You made the right decision. While it is true we are still healthy and do not feel as we are a burden to our children right now, we know that when the time comes we will live closer to one of our two sons.
Our sons not only expect it but encourage it.
Both my husband's parents and my mother needed to be close to us as they aged just so we could keep an eye on them. It wasn't a burden at all. In actuality it was a relief because we didn't have to worry about them so much.
Enjoy your grandchildren - both of my boys reminisce about what fun they had with their grandparents including some embarrassing times when they were teenagers - all done with love and affection.
You are a very lucky mother and grandma to be loved by many!

[ssmith]

Mommieswamie, thanks for the update. You were brought to my mind several times and I wondered if you had found the right decision for you. So glad you have peace with your decisions. BTW if the nay sayers come on here....just ignore them....beleive me, they will do what is right for them and we must all figure that our for ourselves.

[Happinow]

I am so happy that you have found not only what works superficially, but what works for your heart. Moving away from family is a life changing event and for some it may not always be the right choice. You seem to have found a nice balance in your life. Enjoy your children, grandchildren, and extended family and rest knowing you have made the right choice for you and your husband. Best of luck to you all.

[patfla06]

Thank you so much for an update.
I had wondered about you and your DH.
I am so glad you came to a happy resolution and are now close
to family.
I wish you all the best!

[redwitch]

It sounds like you're at peace and a good decision was ultimately made. May your days be blessed with comfort and smiles. I'm so glad to hear things are working for you.

[ajdeck]

How do you know when it is time to give up and move closer to your children. What are the signs? How and when do you make such a decision? I am sure that those of us who really want to leave this beautiful place are few and far between, but sometimes it becomes a necessity. So how do you know and what if you know it is time and you don't want to make the decision. You don't want to leave? Then what do you do?


Just food for thought. I had cancer twice, during which time I was about
to give up everything. I'm here and now have had couple additional years
of great living with very close friends.

The weather has helped tremendously in being better and staying that way.

Now I do understand how down we all can get. But have found out
it's better to stay put until the last person has no choice. Remember,
our kids love us but do have their lives and are busy with work and all.

In reality they don't have much time for us older people even though
they might like to have the time.

Look at weather up north and ask if you would be better off not being able
to get to doctor or hospital without worry of car accident or slipping and
falling and making things even worse for you and your kids.

Main thing is 'Trust in God'.

Good Luck,
Art

[sunny46]

Just feel blessed that you have an option to be near kids that want you. None of our kids want us near them. I do worry about what we will do when that time comes for us. I pray you decide and have peace with your decision.

[BS Beef]

The one thing that really jumped out to me from your update was your statement "the best decision for us". Amen and hallelujah!!! That's all that should matter to you and to any one here.

Thank you for sharing.

[OldManTime]

How do you know when it is time to give up and move closer to your children. What are the signs? How and when do you make such a decision? I am sure that those of us who really want to leave this beautiful place are few and far between, but sometimes it becomes a necessity. So how do you know and what if you know it is time and you don't want to make the decision. You don't want to leave? Then what do you do?

Never!:spoken:

[niftynanna]

I feel for you in having to make a decision to move back home. You didn't mention how long you have been here, if you have enjoyed your life together being able to be active an make friends, you can think of that as living your dream and being able to enjoy how ever long it's been. Maybe if you try to look at it as another phase that you both enjoyed but now it's time to start a new one. You are very fortunate to have loving children who want to spend time with you and relieve you of some of the things that have become difficult. It's not defeat because nothing lasts forever but you did have enjoyment and will always have memories of your life here. Maybe you will find that being closer to children will free you up some to reunite with old friends or start new things as you did here when you first came. All changes are scary but sometimes we project the what ifs and they never happen.

If you're set on not wanting to go back home, did you consider assisted living where you will have help, as much or as little and can continue to have an active lifestyle. Sorry this is so long, but we're having the opposite decision, to move away from kids. We have decided to move sell our house home, and not worry about having to make any future decisions.
Good luck to you and I hope you feel you can make the right decision which is best for everyone concerned.

[mommieswamie]

It sounds like you're at peace and a good decision was ultimately made. May your days be blessed with comfort and smiles. I'm so glad to hear things are working for you.

Thank you, Redwitch, we are at peace - finally

[mommieswamie]

Just food for thought. I had cancer twice, during which time I was about
to give up everything. I'm here and now have had couple additional years
of great living with very close friends.

The weather has helped tremendously in being better and staying that way.

Now I do understand how down we all can get. But have found out
it's better to stay put until the last person has no choice. Remember,
our kids love us but do have their lives and are busy with work and all.

In reality they don't have much time for us older people even though
they might like to have the time.

Look at weather up north and ask if you would be better off not being able
to get to doctor or hospital without worry of car accident or slipping and
falling and making things even worse for you and your kids.

Main thing is 'Trust in God'.

Good Luck,
Art

Art - thank you for your caring and wise words.

A bit of explanation. I started this thread 1 ½ years ago during a lonely, sleepless, tearful night when my husband was still at home with caregivers a few hours a day but only "me" the rest of the time. My common sense told me that we needed to be closer to our children as I was reaching a caregiver breaking point and our children wanted us closer. My emotional self said "no - I don''t want to leave. I love it here."

We did leave to be closer to our youngest child, with me crying in the back seat the entire drive to the other state. We stayed one month before returning to TV where my husband went directly into a facility to be cared for. Eight months later, my emotional sense and my common sense met and we moved again to SC, all with the help and support of our children. My husband went from one facility to another. I live an independent life in a small house very close to my husband and our daughter and her growing family. That was 5 months ago. We are very very blessed that our children wanted us closer as I know that is not always the case. By continuing to be the primary and only caregiver, which was a very hard job, I was denying my husband, children and grandchildren of the benefits of a stable and happy wife, mother and grandmother. For our family, this is what we needed to do.

Again, I do thank you for taking the time to show that you care.

[Barefoot]

Art - thank you for your caring and wise words.

A bit of explanation. I started this thread 1 ½ years ago during a lonely, sleepless, tearful night when my husband was still at home with caregivers a few hours a day but only "me" the rest of the time. My common sense told me that we needed to be closer to our children as I was reaching a caregiver breaking point and our children wanted us closer. My emotional self said "no - I don''t want to leave. I love it here."

We did leave to be closer to our youngest child, with me crying in the back seat the entire drive to the other state. We stayed one month before returning to TV where my husband went directly into a facility to be cared for. Eight months later, my emotional sense and my common sense met and we moved again to SC, all with the help and support of our children. My husband went from one facility to another. I live an independent life in a small house very close to my husband and our daughter and her growing family. That was 5 months ago. We are very very blessed that our children wanted us closer as I know that is not always the case. By continuing to be the primary and only caregiver, which was a very hard job, I was denying my husband, children and grandchildren of the benefits of a stable and happy wife, mother and grandmother. For our family, this is what we needed to do.

Again, I do thank you for taking the time to show that you care.

How nice of you to take the time to keep us updated.

Everyone's path in life is different and unique. There is no "right" answer in life. You've found what works for you. Blessings and good luck to you.

[mommieswamie]

I feel for you in having to make a decision to move back home. You didn't mention how long you have been here, if you have enjoyed your life together being able to be active an make friends, you can think of that as living your dream and being able to enjoy how ever long it's been. Maybe if you try to look at it as another phase that you both enjoyed but now it's time to start a new one. You are very fortunate to have loving children who want to spend time with you and relieve you of some of the things that have become difficult. It's not defeat because nothing lasts forever but you did have enjoyment and will always have memories of your life here. Maybe you will find that being closer to children will free you up some to reunite with old friends or start new things as you did here when you first came. All changes are scary but sometimes we project the what ifs and they never happen.

If you're set on not wanting to go back home, did you consider assisted living where you will have help, as much or as little and can continue to have an active lifestyle. Sorry this is so long, but we're having the opposite decision, to move away from kids. We have decided to move sell our house home, and not worry about having to make any future decisions.
Good luck to you and I hope you feel you can make the right decision which is best for everyone concerned.

Thank you so much for your response. The response that I just posted a few minutes ago explains that the decision had been made already - twice now - and we are at peace with our decision.

We moved to TV 6 years ago and had one good healthy year before my husband's symptoms developed. We started in a Villa, then built a Premier house, then bought a Designer. We have had many many visitors, have made wonderful friends in TV and found a wonderful church. We are a "Brady Bunch" blended family of 22 years marriage - 3 mine and 3 his - all teenagers when we got married. We have traveled half way round the world in both directions many times by plane, ship and car and we have shared a lot of love.

Indeed, this move from TV is another chapter and I have already found that being closer to family has allowed me to return to being the person that I used to be which makes my family happier. It is just another verse in the song of life.

This was a good decision for me, my husband and our entire family.

[mommieswamie]

Without reading back over everything, I am not sure if I ever mentioned how very hard it was to not have a diagnosis. That is correct, we had no diagnosis, or I should say we had many diagnoses, none of which panned out. We knew it was a neurological disease but what was it. Test after test, doctor after doctor, maybe this, maybe that, but nothing fit.

There are no support groups for "no diagnosis". Where do you go for help.

On arriving in SC, the medical team at the facility caring for my husband referred him to yet another neurologist. This doctor told us of a brand new test that might help. The test was "markedly abnormal" so this coupled with other medical criteria lead to the diagnosis of Corticobasal Degeneration, one of the Atypical Parkinsonian Syndromes. At least now we know what we are facing.