Guilt trip

[LynnDeb]

My son up North wants us to move back to either NY or NJ....they lost her mom around the time we were moving here to FL... At that time (and a bit before) we werent on talking terms due to pt. my fault and theirs as well....Seeing them put Sean who was a baby at the time in their car killed me while I'd be waiting at stop sign to go to my job....Anyway now they want us to come back home since there is no real family for them to help be with Sean now 5 and Ryan will be 2 in Feb....They fell that moving again will be a back mistake for us to stay in FL and not come back.......I dont want to go back to cold, etc...weather any opinions???Anyone in or have been in same boat??? URGGGGh:blahblahblah::blahblahblah::blahblahblah:

[mac9]

They sound a bit selfish to expect you to change your life to make theirs easier. You've raised your children. They need to raise theirs. They can always visit. Live your own life!

[Mr Hanky]

Enjoy the best years of your life. They can vacation in florida in the winter to see you and you can vacation up north during the summer to see them. Just my opinion and what I hope to do. Plus the little ones will love the theme parks

[redwitch]

Let me see if I have this correct -- you guys had a falling out. One that was so bad that you couldn't even see your grandson. Now, they need help and you guys should give up a life you love to be a babysitter and maybe an occasional bank? Your son and daughter-in-law seem incredibly selfish and self-centered to me. Sorry, I go with living your life in the way that makes you happiest. Your grands are going to grow and your son won't need you. Then what do you do? Come back here and try to start a new life again after you're dumped again?

[OldDave]

Even if everything is fine in your relationship, which from what you say it isn't, it could be a mistake to move. Say you move, sell your house here. Two years later your son gets a great job opportunity in Washington. There you sit by yourself, or you move once again. No one can tell you what to do, but I think you should stay put. Now both our kids want to see the world and live exciting places. Whether they will or not, who knows. Neither is married yet. But I've got to think grandparents are going to get a lot more visits when they live an hour from Disney World.

[perrjojo]

They sound a bit selfish to expect you to change your life to make theirs easier. You've raised your children. They need to raise theirs. They can always visit. Live your own life!

:agree:
Sounds like someone is looking or a free babysitter, but maybe not. I would ask myself this question, "did my children always do what I wanted?" We do what is best for us and our children do what is best for them. Wouldn't have it any other way. Only you can decide.

[hansel]

[QUOTE=perrjojo;593319]:agree:
We did the same MISTAKE about 6 years ago, moved back to NJ for the grandchildren, our idea not theirs. The winters were terrible and we ended up renting for a month or 2 every year in south Florida. The cost of living up north was much higher than here. So back we came to Florida to benefit OUR lives and health. Need I tell you how much we lost financial buying when prices were high and selling when they were in the basement? Do yourself a favor and think long and hard about that type of move before you do it. In a few years the children will be involved in lots of things and probably have very little time for you and what would happen if your son was offered a job somewhere else..........would he stay there for you? Please think it over and weigh all the pros and cons. Good luck in what ever you decide.

[Bill-n-Brillo]

A bit of a story:

Some OH friends of ours followed their dream a number of years ago and moved to south FL. Their grown kids didn't really come into play as far as thinking of staying in OH and not moving went. Their single son was living nearby in OH but was living the single life. Their married daughter had one infant child at that point and was living in DC. FL to DC wasn't too bad of a trip to visit versus being in OH. So off to south FL our friends went.

Things changed: Single son became married son and they were going to be starting a family soon. Married daughter has another baby.......and moves back to central OH. Our friends? After living in FL for 4 years, the pull of family caused them to want to move back to OH to be near them. The key for them was they wanted to be a very integral part of their grandchildren's (now numbering 4!) lives while they were growing up - that was extremely important to them. They miss what they had in FL but are comfortable they make the right decision (for THEM) in moving back to OH. They've been back in OH for about 9 years or so.......and as the grandkids are getting older, they're thinking of starting to want to spend their winters in FL! :D

Bottom line: Ya gotta do what YOU feel is the right thing to do. You're the only person who can truly answer that question.

Bill :)

[janmcn]

You questioned on another thread if you could afford The Villages living on a fixed income. How could you possibly live in NY/NJ on this same fixed income, unless you're talking about living far from the metropolitan areas. Even then, the property taxes or rents would be extremely high.

[skyguy79]

I have to agree with most opinions already given. It sounds like your moving is not in the best interest of the grandchildren, not in your best interest, but is in your son and his wifes best interest. If until you find it's in your best interest, I would stay put or consider snow-birding if that option is feasible and affordable!

[LynnDeb]

My son up North wants us to move back to either NY or NJ....they lost her mom around the time we were moving here to FL... At that time (and a bit before) we werent on talking terms due to pt. my fault and theirs as well....Seeing them put Sean who was a baby at the time in their car killed me while I'd be waiting at stop sign to go to my job....Anyway now they want us to come back home since there is no real family for them to help be with Sean now 5 and Ryan will be 2 in Feb....They fell that moving again will be a back mistake for us to stay in FL and not come back.......I dont want to go back to cold, etc...weather any opinions???Anyone in or have been in same boat??? URGGGGh:blahblahblah::blahblahblah::blahblahblah:

Thank you all giving me your input.... We have our house up for sale and
can't wait to be a TV people & meet all of you soon!!!

[Cantwaittoarrive]

I also agree with what most others have said. Also lets say you give away your dream to help your son and two years later he gets a great job half way across the country. Will he 1) stay where he is because mom and dad moved back and he wants to be close to them. 2) follow his dream and too bad for you Only you can decide what is best for you. You only have one life to live and every day you spend not living your path is a waste. When children are young and dependant parents owe it to them to give up what the parent wants for the good of the kids. Once the kids grow up and can fend for themselves you don't owe them a thing. I think this is why birds build their nest high up in trees and shove real hard when pushing their young out of the nest

[Down Sized]

My son up North wants us to move back to either NY or NJ....they lost her mom around the time we were moving here to FL... At that time (and a bit before) we werent on talking terms due to pt. my fault and theirs as well....Seeing them put Sean who was a baby at the time in their car killed me while I'd be waiting at stop sign to go to my job....Anyway now they want us to come back home since there is no real family for them to help be with Sean now 5 and Ryan will be 2 in Feb....They fell that moving again will be a back mistake for us to stay in FL and not come back.......I dont want to go back to cold, etc...weather any opinions???Anyone in or have been in same boat??? URGGGGh:blahblahblah::blahblahblah::blahblahblah:

Just send a good sized check. Problem solved. Until the next check is needed.

[ijusluvit]

My son up North wants us to move back to either NY or NJ....they lost her mom around the time we were moving here to FL... At that time (and a bit before) we werent on talking terms due to pt. my fault and theirs as well....Seeing them put Sean who was a baby at the time in their car killed me while I'd be waiting at stop sign to go to my job....Anyway now they want us to come back home since there is no real family for them to help be with Sean now 5 and Ryan will be 2 in Feb....They fell that moving again will be a back mistake for us to stay in FL and not come back.......I dont want to go back to cold, etc...weather any opinions???Anyone in or have been in same boat??? URGGGGh:blahblahblah::blahblahblah::blahblahblah:

You have answered your own questions: Your son wants you back to babysit, that's not your idea. You don't want to return to the cold. Your title is "Guilt Trip". Guilt is the archenemy of a positive, healthy lifestyle.
Less important is money, but think about how much more it will cost to move back and then try to do the 'retire' thing later. Thousands!!! If you want, use some of that money to bring the kids and grandkids here as often as possible. Everybody will think it's special and you will LOVE babysitting then.

[teachnmo]

I lived in Missouri. My daughter and her family moved to Phoenix, AZ suburb and then my other daughter moved to Scottsdale, AZ. I decided I would move to be near them. I was in education and had to take the Arizona Teacher Test. I moved to Arizona that next year and taught at a school district in a western suburb of Phoenix. Both daughters moved back to Minnesota and Illinois within six months.

Take my advice. Enjoy the Florida sunshine!

[marianne237]

You have to decide how much staying in a warm climate will affect your health....physical and MENTAL.

A friend of mine said she saw her grand kids more since she moved to FL then when she lived up north.

Talking with a neighbor yesterday, she complained that her 10 and 11 year old grands have so much going on, that they're not even interested in being with gram so much. They have their own things to do.

So, long and short of it....what is your quality of life here vs returning north?

[perrjojo]

I always told my children that I LOVE to have my grandchildren visit....but I am NOT a babysitter...sounds harsh to some but works for me.

[Roaddog53]

They sound a bit selfish to expect you to change your life to make theirs easier. You've raised your children. They need to raise theirs. They can always visit. Live your own life!

:bigbow: totally agree

[BAILYBOOHOO]

Glad your going to the villages where you sound like you want to be .Good luck in selling your home .

[senior citizen]

[QUOTE=perrjojo;593319]:agree:
We did the same MISTAKE about 6 years ago, moved back to NJ for the grandchildren, our idea not theirs. The winters were terrible and we ended up renting for a month or 2 every year in south Florida. The cost of living up north was much higher than here. So back we came to Florida to benefit OUR lives and health. Need I tell you how much we lost financial buying when prices were high and selling when they were in the basement? Do yourself a favor and think long and hard about that type of move before you do it. In a few years the children will be involved in lots of things and probably have very little time for you and what would happen if your son was offered a job somewhere else..........would he stay there for you? Please think it over and weigh all the pros and cons. Good luck in what ever you decide.

Words of wisdom from someone who went through the experience of relocating several times...........which I can totally relate to.

Moving back and forth is expensive, to say the least....not just in the long distance moving fees, but in the selling of the homes......in the "re furnishing of the Florida home and then again the northern home".

As they say, think long and hard.

Adult children do want to see the world, as others have said, and often their careers take them to far out places. You may move there, only to be left alone........as they change their minds or get promotions that take them elsewhere.

When we moved to Florida the first time in the early '70s, my mom and stepdad had just bought a building lot next door to our home in Vermont, thinking they would relocate from New Jersey when they retired. Luckily, they were able to sell the lot to a neighbor of ours.

A year later, we returned to Vermont and bought another home on the same street........my folks then retired up to Vermont and had a good 30 years of retirement.......so it eventually worked out for them.

I also ended up as their caregiver.

After our family was raised, we again thought we'd like a condo on the beach........so again, we sold our home and relocated.....dragging my elderly mom down to Florida with us........less than five months later we returned again to our old neighborhood.........

So, from experience, I can say that "hansel" knows what they are talking about. You lose money when you sell your home in haste, esp. in a down market.

Another poster had an excellent idea.........winter in Florida and summer up by the grandkids.........if you can swing it. You would have the best of both worlds.......if that is in the realm of your budget to do so.

BEST OF LUCK.

[senior citizen]

I lived in Missouri. My daughter and her family moved to Phoenix, AZ suburb and then my other daughter moved to Scottsdale, AZ. I decided I would move to be near them. I was in education and had to take the Arizona Teacher Test. I moved to Arizona that next year and taught at a school district in a western suburb of Phoenix. Both daughters moved back to Minnesota and Illinois within six months.

Take my advice. Enjoy the Florida sunshine!

Another case in point and exactly what I was trying to explain in my above earlier post about us moving, my parents, etc., etc.

It gets complicated when parents follow their kids around the country.

In all due respect to my mom and stepdad, they never complained or made us feel guilty about our "moves". Once we were back, our son entered pre school and our daughter first grade........we didn't move again until they had graduated university and married, relocated elsewhere themselves...........just so you all know we are not gypsies.....just doing what young people do.........trying to experience other parts of the country.

(To original poster: better to do as you've finally decided to do..........which I just noticed after reading your latest post.)

[2 Oldcrabs]

Family is Family! If possible, I would rent for a period of time near the children. You will never know if you do not try. IMHO:22yikes:

[senior citizen]

Family is Family! If possible, I would rent for a period of time near the children. You will never know if you do not try. IMHO:22yikes:

Renting is a very good solution, rather than re buy a home.

Both times when we moved to Florida, EVERYONE wanted to come down and visit us. The entire family, both sides......plus friends. It was a "repeat" of what happened when we moved to Vermont in 1970; everyone wanted to come up for a long weekend. I had company every single weekend.

Not only that, but elder "snowbird" relatives who were wintering on the gulf coast of Florida would call and ask if we could go and "get them" and drive them to our home on the east coast so they wouldn't have to rent a car. After tallying up the hours round trip to go there, bring them to us, then return them back again and come back home again.....my husband declined.........they will come "out of the woodwork" once you move to Florida. So, the good part is you won't be lonely.

So, they will not be alone. As another poster said, Disney is a HUGE magnet for those with grandchildren.

Unless they get another story that the "kids" can't afford the air fare.

When I last checked airfare for a family of five (not us) it was at about $3,000. round trip to Orlando.

[2BNTV]

I agree with the above posters who say you and your husband should live a separate life. As much as I love my son and that's a lot, we both agree that it is better that we live our separate lives. My son would be thrilled for me when I move to TV as he knows it is right for me.

My son is in a business where moving is sometimes required to get a promotion. Although he won't move from Florida yet, who knows idf he won't in the future, Then, where will I be if I am living my life through him and my grandchild? It's much better for you to have your friends and life that you truly enjoy.

The grandkids came come for a visit and everybody wins. After all. doesn't airplanes fly in both directions?

Do want is right for you or you will be living in a constant state of anxiety.

Botom line for me is, "will I be able to sleep at night with this decision".

[birdawg]

Good luck

[Trish Crocker]

I had the same feelings..am I doing the right thing? Then I think about how often I actually see the kids. Sure, we talk almost daily but they are all working so our times together are limited. When they do come over for dinner, they are here for a few hours then leave. The grandkids are wonderful but when they are here they are focused on their cellphones instead of conversing with grandma. When we move to TV (next month:)) we will still be talking just as much, skyping (which we don't do now) and when they come to visit we will have days to spend together. I am so looking forward to that. The grandkids will love the theme parks and will be excited to see us.