Irish Jokes

[senior citizen]

My Irish/Scottish stepdad had quite an arsenal of jokes; he would have loved these.......by the way, our town was settled by predominately Irish and French Canadians. Only read if you have a good sense of humor.....
p.s. All FIVE of my grandchildren are half Irish..............

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
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Irish Declare War On France

The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp (http://www.digitaldreamdoor.com/pages/quotes/irish_drinking_jokes.html#) Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Sarkozy replied, "This is indeed (http://www.digitaldreamdoor.com/pages/quotes/irish_drinking_jokes.html#) important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next (http://www.digitaldreamdoor.com/pages/quotes/irish_drinking_jokes.html#) door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Sarkozy paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Sarkozy asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Sarkozy sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Sarkozy. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.


Stopped For Speeding

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"

[mrnjp]

Some Irish is better than none at all....
Enjoyed... Here's one, hope it passes muster..

An Irishman moves to the USA and finally attends his first baseball game.

The first batter approached the batters' box, took a few swings and then
hits a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming, "Run! Run!"

The next batter hits a single and the Irishman listened as the crowd again
cheered, "RUN, RUN!"

The Irishman enjoyed the game and began screaming with the fans. The fifth
batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the
batter started his slow trot to first base.

The Irishman stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ey lazy *******, run!"

The people around him began laughing. Embarrassed, the Irishman sat back
down. A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned over and
explained, "He can't run -- he's got four balls."

The Irishman stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, laddie!"
:mornincoffee:

[senior citizen]

Some Irish is better than none at all....
Enjoyed... Here's one, hope it passes muster..

An Irishman moves to the USA and finally attends his first baseball game.

The first batter approached the batters' box, took a few swings and then
hits a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming, "Run! Run!"

The next batter hits a single and the Irishman listened as the crowd again
cheered, "RUN, RUN!"

The Irishman enjoyed the game and began screaming with the fans. The fifth
batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the
batter started his slow trot to first base.

The Irishman stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run ey lazy *******, run!"

The people around him began laughing. Embarrassed, the Irishman sat back
down. A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned over and
explained, "He can't run -- he's got four balls."

The Irishman stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, laddie!"
:mornincoffee:

VERY FUNNY. Here's another one...or two.....or three....

Mary Clancy

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary, my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, please Mary, put down that damn gun..."

************************************************** *******************************************

Pat And Mike

Pat and Mike had been drinking buddies and friends for years.

After having a few drinks in a bar, Mike said to Pat -
"We have been friends for years and years and if I should die before you do would you do me a favor? Get the best bottle of Irish whiskey you can find and pour it over my grave."

Pat replied, "I would be glad to do that for you my old friend.
But would you mind if I passed it through my bladder first?"
************************************************** ****************
Live Long

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, having left the pub a wee bit late
one night, found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave,
God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87. Good blood,
those O'Gradys!"

"That's nothing," says Sean. "Here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that
he was 95 when he died. Aye, those O'Tooles are a hardy bunch, they are!"

Just then, Shamus yells out, "Forget him, here's a fella that lived to
be 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" ask Paddy & Sean.

Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else
is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles..."

"Miles who?" ask Paddy & Sean

"To Dublin