Be sure last wishes are followed!

[redwitch]

One of my dear friends died recently. No surprise, she had congestive heart failure and had had several heart attacks in the past year. The tragedy was not her death, the tragedy was that her wishes were not followed.

She had two desires -- to die in her home and to be buried with her beloved husband. Hospice called her daughter in Hawaii and said something had to be done NOW. Jean, my friend, found someone to stay with her 24/7 right after the hospice social worker called the daughter.

Jean's daughter decided that the best thing would be to come to Florida and take her mother back to Hawaii to die there. Jean did not want to go and felt she was being kidnapped. She also felt helpless in stopping this. So, Jean was flown to Hawaii, put in a hospital bed in the dining room and died a week later. She was with her daughter and grandson, whom she adored, but time was taken from her life by the flight and she did not die where she wanted.

There was no maliciousness meant in taking Jean to Hawaii but it was still wrong. This is not what she wanted and she was too weak to fight for herself. Folks, please be sure your wishes are very well known, written out and that you have someone who can fight for you to see that what you want happens. Don't wait until you're too weak to stop things from happening.

[Parker]

There may have been other considerations involved that you weren't aware of. It sounds like the daughter kept her close by, even having her die in her own home. Tread lightly on the decisions of grieving family members and try to give them the benefit of the doubt. End of life is never easy. BTW, I am very sorry for your loss. It must have been so hard for you to see her taken away against her wishes.

[asianthree]

Advance Directive takes care of all this very event....make sure you have one

[l2ridehd]

The best action any of us could take is to create a "Death Book" or Final information and Wishes" book with all the information necessary for your family or friends to handle your demise. It is something we will ALL do at some point and it is the one thing you can plan for now that will happen.

Part 1. Immediate needs

Included here are: Addresses, email and phone contact information of our doctors, estate attorney, tax accountant and other people important in our lives. Funeral, obituary and burial directions. How to notify the Social Security Administration, pension and annuity administrators and investment funds and brokers.

Part 2. Wills and trusts
The category covers: Our living will and will. Power of Attorney. Executor. Investment beneficiaries. Who gets what personal items. Trusts and trustees. Locations of important items.

Part 3. Important actions

This is a guide to the following: Time-sensitive actions (taxes, required minimum distributions, etc.). Trips already reserved. Award points that can be used and associated instructions. Maintenance of home, other real estate, cars. I also keep a log of home-maintenance records including names and phones for each repair job.

Part 4. Financial management

This section includes records about: Regular income, automatic bill payments, sources of cash. Investments and real estate. Instructions for record-keeping. Credit card information. Life, health, house, auto, liability and any other insurance records. Taxes and data required. Passwords and IDs. Ledger of financial actions. Charitable-contribution information.

Part 5. Location

This is an extensive list of where things are that would be needed to settle estate and pay taxes.

At some point make a copy of the Death Book for each of your children and executor. Perhaps that will be when one of them notices your dementia and says they need a copy. What won't be easy is going through the tons of stuff you have saved in pictures and papers that fill boxes in the basement and file drawers in various places around the house—things your not brave enough to toss out yourselves yet. Keep telling yourselves that you just have to eliminate the clutter, but you have trouble getting around to it. The Death Book comes first. The survivors can just dump the rest.

[ewstanley]

I know how tough it can be to see a loved one's wishes not being followed. My sister wanted to be cremated and made this known to her loved ones. Her husband argued with her shortly before she passed and told her he wouldn't do it. My sister asked me to help her but I was helpless. I told him to at least tell her that he WOULD honor her wishes and do what he wanted after she passed and he disagreed. I tried my best. She passed in 2009 at age 59 and I miss her every day.

[batman911]

One should also consider the financial burden placed on others by your wishes.

[casita37]

redwitch, I am very sorry for your loss. I can imagine how difficult to watch as her wishes were not followed.

i2ridehd, That's an impressive Death Book. Thank you for sharing. That brings up my question....I admit we have been remiss is organizing and preparing for the big event. We need to update wills and that sort of thing, and we do not have an attorney in the area.

Can anyone recommend an attorney, or other qualified professional (if there is such other than an attorney) to assist with wills, trusts, etc. and planning? Thanks!

[ilovetv]

Not disagreeing at all about the first post. But about this, I wonder:

"She was with her daughter and grandson, whom she adored".....

Should the daughter have taken the grandson out of school in Hawaii, to move here to FL for an unknown amount of time so she could have her closest loved ones with her, till the lady eventually died?

Should the daughter have left the mom here in hospice/skilled nursing till she died without her daughter and grandson whom she adored?

Without knowing how many months away from death the mother was, could the daughter afford airline flights to and from Hawaii--uknown number of times--if she got accommodations for her mom here?

When the daughter moved the mother to Hawaii, she did not know how long she might live, and no mortal has any way of knowing whether the trip hastened her death any more than if she had stayed here.

[ijusluvit]

The best action any of us could take is to create a "Death Book" or Final information and Wishes" book with all the information necessary for your family or friends to handle your demise. It is something we will ALL do at some point and it is the one thing you can plan for now that will happen.

Part 1. Immediate needs

Included here are: Addresses, email and phone contact information of our doctors, estate attorney, tax accountant and other people important in our lives. Funeral, obituary and burial directions. How to notify the Social Security Administration, pension and annuity administrators and investment funds and brokers.

Part 2. Wills and trusts
The category covers: Our living will and will. Power of Attorney. Executor. Investment beneficiaries. Who gets what personal items. Trusts and trustees. Locations of important items.

Part 3. Important actions

This is a guide to the following: Time-sensitive actions (taxes, required minimum distributions, etc.). Trips already reserved. Award points that can be used and associated instructions. Maintenance of home, other real estate, cars. I also keep a log of home-maintenance records including names and phones for each repair job.

Part 4. Financial management

This section includes records about: Regular income, automatic bill payments, sources of cash. Investments and real estate. Instructions for record-keeping. Credit card information. Life, health, house, auto, liability and any other insurance records. Taxes and data required. Passwords and IDs. Ledger of financial actions. Charitable-contribution information.

Part 5. Location

This is an extensive list of where things are that would be needed to settle estate and pay taxes.

At some point make a copy of the Death Book for each of your children and executor. Perhaps that will be when one of them notices your dementia and says they need a copy. What won't be easy is going through the tons of stuff you have saved in pictures and papers that fill boxes in the basement and file drawers in various places around the house—things your not brave enough to toss out yourselves yet. Keep telling yourselves that you just have to eliminate the clutter, but you have trouble getting around to it. The Death Book comes first. The survivors can just dump the rest.

Good suggestions!. Well organized. Thanks!

[TrudyM]

l2ridehd -You have it all planned out well as your advice always is.

Problem is my husband refuses to face any of this.
Its a live for today don't invite the evil luck Hawaiian thing. Any time we look at long range plans he gets very nervous and depressed.

I have it set up for me but he will either get drug along with my wishes or our son will have to wing it.

You can take the Hawaiian out of the island but you can't take the island out of the Hawaiian.

[2BNTV]

It's always good to plan for the event but my experience has been that my son does not want to hear it. I will pan a death book like "l2rhd" suggested and hopefully it will be followed.

I think it's sad that one's wishes are not followed but who's to say if there were extenuating circumstances that didn't make it feasible. Personally, I think her wishes should have been followed. After all, your only going to die phyically once.

[claricecolin]

To the OP I am sorry for your loss. However, I do agree with ilovetv that you really have to weigh the circumstances. My Mom died almost a year ago and it was almost 2 years of flying back and forth from NYC to here. I never knew how long I was going to have to stay. While I have no regrets and continue to come back and check on Dad it was very difficult. There were so many times when Dad thought this was it and I was afraid I wouldn't make it. So I can understand all the stresses involved in being even further away. Luckily my son was grown so that was a small comfort. We did do what she wanted and Dad,my son and I were there with her in the end. But after actually going thru this I will never judge what someone does or does not do. As I said you never know the circumstances

[Cantwaittoarrive]

I don't know about this case the OP mentions but I do know from experience sometimes it's just not possible or practical to carry out a persons wishes. Also sometimes what a person wants now as their wishes is different 6 months from now.

[redwitch]

Not disagreeing at all about the first post. But about this, I wonder:

"She was with her daughter and grandson, whom she adored".....

Should the daughter have taken the grandson out of school in Hawaii, to move here to FL for an unknown amount of time so she could have her closest loved ones with her, till the lady eventually died?

Should the daughter have left the mom here in hospice/skilled nursing till she died without her daughter and grandson whom she adored?

Without knowing how many months away from death the mother was, could the daughter afford airline flights to and from Hawaii--uknown number of times--if she got accommodations for her mom here?

When the daughter moved the mother to Hawaii, she did not know how long she might live, and no mortal has any way of knowing whether the trip hastened her death any more than if she had stayed here.

There are no easy answers but the reality is that my friend wanted to die in her home with her friends. She was content with her daughter and grandson coming for a farewell visit if they wished and then returning for the funeral (she had enough funds for them to do this). As I said, she felt kidnapped and there is no doubt the trip hastened her death -- something everyone knew and tried to explain to the daughter. Jean had the funds for someone to stay with 24/7 until long-term disability kicked in or she died, whichever came first.

I understand why her daughter did this and, as I said, there was nothing malicious in the actions, but it was not what my friend wanted and that is what should have come first, not what her daughter wanted or what was easier for her daughter.

Love the death book and am in the process of making one for my daughter to follow.

My point in posting this was just to remind all of us to be sure we know what we want and that our wishes are followed to the best of everyone's abilities.

[rjm1cc]

The best action any of us could take is to create a "Death Book" or Final information and Wishes" book with all the information necessary for your family or friends to handle your demise. It is something we will ALL do at some point and it is the one thing you can plan for now that will happen.

Part 1. Immediate needs

Included here are: Addresses, email and phone contact information of our doctors, estate attorney, tax accountant and other people important in our lives. Funeral, obituary and burial directions. How to notify the Social Security Administration, pension and annuity administrators and investment funds and brokers.

Part 2. Wills and trusts
The category covers: Our living will and will. Power of Attorney. Executor. Investment beneficiaries. Who gets what personal items. Trusts and trustees. Locations of important items.

Part 3. Important actions

This is a guide to the following: Time-sensitive actions (taxes, required minimum distributions, etc.). Trips already reserved. Award points that can be used and associated instructions. Maintenance of home, other real estate, cars. I also keep a log of home-maintenance records including names and phones for each repair job.

Part 4. Financial management

This section includes records about: Regular income, automatic bill payments, sources of cash. Investments and real estate. Instructions for record-keeping. Credit card information. Life, health, house, auto, liability and any other insurance records. Taxes and data required. Passwords and IDs. Ledger of financial actions. Charitable-contribution information.

Part 5. Location

This is an extensive list of where things are that would be needed to settle estate and pay taxes.

At some point make a copy of the Death Book for each of your children and executor. Perhaps that will be when one of them notices your dementia and says they need a copy. What won't be easy is going through the tons of stuff you have saved in pictures and papers that fill boxes in the basement and file drawers in various places around the house—things your not brave enough to toss out yourselves yet. Keep telling yourselves that you just have to eliminate the clutter, but you have trouble getting around to it. The Death Book comes first. The survivors can just dump the rest.

Very good suggestions. I would add arranging for burial plot etc if that fits in your plans.

[rjm1cc]

One of my dear friends died recently. No surprise, she had congestive heart failure and had had several heart attacks in the past year. The tragedy was not her death, the tragedy was that her wishes were not followed.

She had two desires -- to die in her home and to be buried with her beloved husband. Hospice called her daughter in Hawaii and said something had to be done NOW. Jean, my friend, found someone to stay with her 24/7 right after the hospice social worker called the daughter.

Jean's daughter decided that the best thing would be to come to Florida and take her mother back to Hawaii to die there. Jean did not want to go and felt she was being kidnapped. She also felt helpless in stopping this. So, Jean was flown to Hawaii, put in a hospital bed in the dining room and died a week later. She was with her daughter and grandson, whom she adored, but time was taken from her life by the flight and she did not die where she wanted.

There was no maliciousness meant in taking Jean to Hawaii but it was still wrong. This is not what she wanted and she was too weak to fight for herself. Folks, please be sure your wishes are very well known, written out and that you have someone who can fight for you to see that what you want happens. Don't wait until you're too weak to stop things from happening.

Unfortunately it might not be possible to follow the wishes of another. It sounds like her daughter did what she could.

[l2ridehd]

Very good suggestions. I would add arranging for burial plot etc if that fits in your plans.

Burial plot is arranged, headstone is in place, and is covered in item one as part of the funeral.

[SALYBOW]

Advance Directive takes care of all this very event....make sure you have one

I wish I could say that I had confidence that this is true. As a hospital chaplain I have seen many incidences of people with Advanced Directives not having them followed. The family came in and stated that they did not agree with them. The doctors had to follow the families wishes or risk being sued. This is a real possibility since in End of Life situations we meet each person at their worst. Many are not able to accept the loss yet so they insist that the loved one be recessitated over and over until it no longer works. CPR is not as it is portrayed on TV. It is brutal and often results in broken ribs, and other injuries. It is never a pleasant experience for the recipient.
I know that it is necessary to be mindful of everyones feelings, but I disagree with the child who is out of town making decisions "in abstentia." It might not even be the same decision if they were watchung the person's disease progress.
I still heartily beseech people to make their End of Life wishes known to the whole family, not just the person closest to them. My good wishes go with you and your Family in these decisions. BTW. Soory for your loss Dee.

[CFrance]

But please... don't call it a Death Book. There's gotta be some less brutal title for it. I know one of our sons that would have a hard time opening such a title.

Ours it titled Vital Information and is already in our childrens' hands.