Narcissistic Husband - coping with

[Mallory Voice]

Although life here at The Villages has been a blessing, since we retired to live here my husand thinks we have a money tree in the backyard.

Wants to buy everything - like we're going to die tomorrow. He's busy all the time doing this and that.......... Admitted last evening that he doesn't have any concept of money. How does one deal with that????

Is any other spouse experiencing this - I'm in a quandry.
:shrug:

[rubicon]

It appears he obviously has always had this problem. Most retirees have a fixed amount of savings to live on and their budgets are set based on their estimate of mortality. A person can go through all their money and not realize it until it is too late. Then we all are subjected to emergency (ie morbidity), market failures, etc. Some retirees want to spend all they have before they die while others try and preserve their estate for their kids

Someone wanting to send spend spend either needs to have retired very rich or needs to continue to work to replenish the cash reserves because you may outlive your money

I opine others an decide

[manaboutown]

How long have you two been married? Has he always behaved this way or is it a sudden change in his behavior? If a sudden, change, if might be wise to get him medically checked out.

[asianthree]

going over a budget might help or i would seek a planner to explain things that way it not coming from you

[gomoho]

I sympathize - it is not easy adjusting to a fixed income. We were by no means wealthy while working, but probably more than comfortable and really didn't have to think twice about spending within reason. We have now been here a year and found a comfortable budget that is working nicely so far. If we want or need to do something out of the ordinary we now budget for it whereas before we had the luxury of just doing it. See if you can bring him into this kind of thinking. Took me almost a year to convince my husband there wasn't a money cloud over our house. Good luck.

[Lbmb24101]

This outlook on wanting to spend $$$ could also be a result of going thru some emotional or psychological issue.
Some counseling might be useful. Hearing advise not coming from a spouse, might be the key.
I know people that are like that, spend spend spend.
My brother in law spends $ likevthere is no tomorrow, money he does not have. He grew up poor, deprived, and now wants every gadget that comes into the market. But my sis is the main breadwinner, so lately his spending has curtailed ....

[zcaveman]

I see people retire down here and think they can do anything they want - cruises, trips, party until dawn, etc. - and not think about where the money is coming from even though they are on a fixed income.

I know one couple who keeps taking lump sums out of their retirement annuity. I tried to explain to them that it is not a bottomless pit.

Sitting down with him and discussing a budget and the limited resources is a good idea.

Z

[jblum315]

You can't tell by looking around how much money people have here. Can't tell by the clothes or the cars or even by their houses. I think there are people here with tons of money and others who are barely getting by. But regardless, some people spend like it's going out of style. I think everyone would feel safer if they were on some kind of budget.

[lightworker888]

Usually in a relationship there is a spender and a saver and each has his/her own level of comfort with handling money (or not). If both parties are working together and can appreciate the input of the other, then some workable win-win solution can usually be found.

I'm sure that neither you nor your husband want to run out of money and it is usually the handling of money that needs some addressing. If you can get on the same page regarding the prioritizing of money and projects, that can help. Also setting up a separate account that he could use for his "this and that" spending, which can be topped up monthly or quarterly or annually with a set amount, may help him to see how far a dollar can go (or not) and can also avoid your having to "figure out" how much he will be spending. This can be an item in an overall budget if you have one and can help relieve the "unknown" factor of his spending.

Also each person has a different comfort level with how large a safety net should be and how big a rainy day amount is. Communicating to discover these bottom lines is important and recognizing the validity of each person's perspective is also necessary as well as being one of the most difficult aspects to remember on a day to day basis.

This topic is so common among all couples, retired and otherwise, and yet can be a good one to bring couples closer, when each feels that they're being heard and validated. Good luck and keep talking and listening! JMHO

LW888

[ivanhoe]

Try ebay.

Get him to start surfing for: martini glasses, small household items, golf cart stickers , tools, wines etc.
Have something come in the mail or delivered a few times a week...all under $50. Set budget 2-300 hundred a month.

It's male menopause...I've seen it...not pretty but easily curable.

[tuscany]

Although life here at The Villages has been a blessing, since we retired to live here my husand thinks we have a money tree in the backyard.

Wants to buy everything - like we're going to die tomorrow. He's busy all the time doing this and that.......... Admitted last evening that he doesn't have any concept of money. How does one deal with that????

Is any other spouse experiencing this - I'm in a quandry.
:shrug:

Interesting! Did your husband not pay attention to your finances when you purchased your home in TV? Did you manage the checkbook, along the way, or was your husband in charge of balancing it, etc.? If he was then he should know the value of a dollar.

[OurHappyHome]

I'm the spender husband, my wife the saver wife. Now having said that we just moved here and retired. I noticed a few things. It takes a while to get used to having no purpose in life so having projects can take care of that but cost money.

Talking is good, finding some hobbies that are not too costly would help. Also go on line and find a good Retirement Planner (http://fc.standardandpoors.com/sites/client/tda/tdap/calculator.vm?siteContent=5196&topic=5035) and see where you are in relations to your financial needs. Here is another link for info (http://www.principal.com/landingpages/individuals/retirement/index4.htm?WT.mc_id=SEM_retirement_consumer_Calcul ator&gclid=COue2fm9jLgCFZBj7Aod_jEAJw) but if you Google you will find 100's of sites.

[tuscany]

Interesting! Did your husband not pay attention to your finances when you purchased your home in TV? Did you manage the checkbook, along the way, or was your husband in charge of balancing it, etc.? If he was then he should know the value of a dollar.

Perhaps you need to take control of the checkbook and pay all the bills and give your husband a monthly allowance and when he's spend all of it then's he's broke until next month (LOL).

[Roaddog53]

You can't tell by looking around how much money people have here. Can't tell by the clothes or the cars or even by their houses. I think there are people here with tons of money and others who are barely getting by. But regardless, some people spend like it's going out of style. I think everyone would feel safer if they were on some kind of budget.

This is so true here. Except for some of these that love to flaunt it and show what they have..(many are the ones that have an identity/holier than thou issue). Lol, it is hard to tell who has what here. I find though in conversations often that many love to travel. To the point of 4-5 cruises, overseas travel a year, but than can't find the money to pay for a car repair, or landscape maintenance. Much is priorities.
Maybe some, and in this case could be true here, that they WANT to appear they have money to keep up with the Jones per say. Maybe to fit in, or maybe to want to live the lifestyle they feel they should finally have in their age. This is true in all communities. Many have nothing but appear they do, and many have a lot and appear they don't. The real issue is to temper what one can have within their means and not worry what others think. Money should not buy friends or happiness, but is nice to be comfortable.

[jblum315]

If I had more money than I need, which I don't, I would use it to help people who need it. I don't mean charities necessarily, but people that I know who are doing without.

[NJSonja]

how sad that you even thought that....go volunteer at a hospital or an animal shelter.....

sonja

[Indydealmaker]

how sad that you even thought that....go volunteer at a hospital or an animal shelter.....

sonja

Please use the "Quote Post" button so that everyone can tell to whom you are responding.

[NJSonja]

how sad that you even thought that....go volunteer at a hospital or an animal shelter.....

sonja


I'm the spender husband, my wife the saver wife. Now having said that we just moved here and retired. I noticed a few things. It takes a while to get used to having no purpose in life so having projects can take care of that but cost money.

Talking is good, finding some hobbies that are not too costly would help. Also go on line and find a good Retirement Planner (http://fc.standardandpoors.com/sites/client/tda/tdap/calculator.vm?siteContent=5196&topic=5035) and see where you are in relations to your financial needs. Here is another link for info (http://www.principal.com/landingpages/individuals/retirement/index4.htm?WT.mc_id=SEM_retirement_consumer_Calcul ator&gclid=COue2fm9jLgCFZBj7Aod_jEAJw) but if you Google you will find 100's of sites.

[patfla06]

Was your husband always a spender or is this something new?
Possibly meeting with a Financial Advisor would help.

I know that "keeping up with the Jones" happens to all age
groups.
That being said, at this age, this is the last thing I care about.
Now our health and wellbeing is my focus.

Cleaning out all the stuff we've acquired throughout our
marriage has cured me from acquiring MORE stuff.

I hope you can rectify your situation happily!

[Bogie Shooter]

how sad that you even thought that....go volunteer at a hospital or an animal shelter.....

sonja

Been 5 months, probably solved by now.

[2BNTV]

Some people don't have a concept about money as they tend to spend it all and will keep on looking for to get more, like a reverse mortgage. A friend of mine's dad is in his lat seventies and did spend all his money, took a reverse mortgage and spent that. Now, he s in the fantasy mode because his expects my friend to bail him out, as he is a saver and dad knows he has a few dollars. something is wrong with this picture. :(

If you haven't already, I would suggest that you have a serious talk with your husband about how you both view money. Some people believe in saving for a rainy and want to leave their kids something. Some people have a let to good times roll type attitude. This can be very stressful until you come to a meeting of the minds and hopefully, that is before you go broke.

I would also suggest that you take control of the finances and put him on a budget before you wind-up in serious financial problems.

There is a saying, "some people look good, smell good and are broke". People need to keep appearance without money are only fooling themselves. IMHO