View Full Version : Chuckle Of The Day
JohnZ
04-25-2007, 11:27 AM
A farm boy accidentally overturned a wagon of corn on the road. A nearby farmer saw the accident and went over to have a look and found the boy trying to right the tipped wagon.
"Hey Willie," the farmer said. "Forget your troubles for a spell... it's late, come have dinner with us. I'll help you with that wagon after we eat."
"That's mighty nice of you, but Pa won't like that," Willie replied.
"Aw, come on son. Take a break," the farmer insisted.
"Well, okay," the boy finally agreed. "But Pa won't like it."
After a hearty meal, Willie thanked the farmer. "I feel a lot better now, but I just know that Pa will be upset."
"Nonsense," the farmer said. "Where is your pa anyway?"
"Under the wagon."
REDCART
04-26-2007, 01:57 PM
2007 Tax Return
Dear Internal Revenue Service:
Enclosed you will find my 2007 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper; dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet
seat.
I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund,"as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5" Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your convenience.
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer
Jerry Steinfeld
JohnZ
04-26-2007, 02:25 PM
Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
I just wanted to let you know that I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD (Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder). This is how it goes...
I decide to do the laundry, start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the table. OK, I'm going to do the laundry ... BUT FIRST I'm going to read the newspaper.
After that, I notice the mail on the table. OK, I'll just put the newspaper in the recycle stack ... BUT FIRST I'll look through the pile of mail and see if there are any bills to be paid. Yes.
Now where is the checkbook? Oops, there's an empty glass from yesterday on the coffee table. I'm going to look for that checkbook ... BUT FIRST I need to put the glass in the sink.
I head for the kitchen, look out the window, and notice my poor flowers need a drink of water. I put the glass in the sink and there's the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter. What's it doing here? I'll just put it away ... BUT FIRST I need to water those plants. I head for the door and, aaaagh! Stepped on the cat. Cat needs to be fed. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants ... BUT FIRST I need to feed the cat.
END OF DAY: Laundry is not done, newspapers are still on the floor, glass is still in the sink, bills are not paid, checkbook is still lost, and the cat ate the remote control. And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because ... I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY!
I realize this condition is serious ... I'll get help. BUT FIRST ... I think I'll check my e-mail.
dklassen
04-26-2007, 02:59 PM
Three elderly men, great friends from the local church congregation, were asked:
"When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say? "
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a
Fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher
and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
REDCART
04-26-2007, 06:20 PM
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal,
Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's
roommate, Rachel, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a
relationship between Brian and Rachel, and this had only made her more
curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, she
started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Rachel than met the
eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you Rachel and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Rachel came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle;
You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but
I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure.
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mom:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not
saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that
one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Brian
Several days la ter, Brian received an email back from his mother that read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Rachel, I'm not saying that you "do
not" sleep with Rachel. But the fact remains that if Rachel is sleeping in
her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love,
Mom
JohnZ
04-27-2007, 10:00 AM
DO NOT lose your Grandkids in the Mall!
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big boobs."
REDCART
04-27-2007, 08:45 PM
Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all
talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most
beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest
person in the world."
So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World
Records to have their claims verified.
Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking
deliriously happy.
"It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am now
officially the smallest person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo comes out looking utterly
confused and says, "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell?"
Donna
04-29-2007, 03:24 PM
Okay guys...Take this test!!! It is called The Think Test....
http://www.oldjoeblack.0nyx.com/thinktst.htm
Those are all great!!! :#1:
JohnZ
04-30-2007, 09:31 AM
Gopher Broke. If you saw the movie Ice Age and liked it....you like this. I suppose some will say....geez John...grow-up. My reply....nevahhh! This is cute.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2BN0a5UjQlE&mode=related&search=
REDCART
05-01-2007, 07:37 AM
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to
and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to
approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the
husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea
about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the Doctor,
"stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal
conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not,
go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking
dinner, and he was in the den.
He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see
what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey,
what's for dinner?"
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30
feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for
dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20
feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet
away.
"Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no r esponse.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for
dinner?"
(I just love this)...........
" Ralph , for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"
Donna
05-01-2007, 08:49 AM
gryoung ...I love that one!!! :bigthumbsup: ;D
JohnZ
05-01-2007, 01:26 PM
gr....you just described me. Man: "I just got a new hearing and it set me back a bundle". Friend: "What kind is it?" Man: "Oh....about 6 o'clock...why?"
REDCART
05-01-2007, 10:00 PM
Thoughts for Today
http://www3.telus.net/public/a7a55952/thoughts.htm
REDCART
05-02-2007, 05:28 PM
Second Career
Tom was in his early 50's, retired and started a second career.
However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day,
5, 10,15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the
Boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he
called him into the office for a talk.
"Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up
job, but you're being late so often is quite bothersome.'
"Yes, I know Boss, and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's
odd though, you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air
Force.What did they say if you came in late there?"
"They said, "Good morning, General."
REDCART
05-04-2007, 12:01 PM
I know this thread is getting long in the tooth but just one more...
THE BROTHEL!!!
The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Valerie," he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -- too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "South Carolina."
"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
REDCART
05-04-2007, 10:05 PM
Three dead bodies
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles
on their faces. The coroner calls the police to ask them what
happened.
The Coroner tells the Inspector, "The first body is a 72 year old
Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence
the enormous smile."
"The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand
dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol
poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Nancy
Pelosi, Speaker of the House, age 66, struck by lightning."
"Why is she smiling then," inquires the Inspector.
"She thought she was having her picture taken!"
REDCART
05-09-2007, 04:19 PM
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO ACHIEVE A HAPPIER LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time
to time, cleans and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to
you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be
with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
ldjessup
05-12-2007, 11:41 AM
U.S. Navy Chief Petty Officer Saves The Life of an Air Force LtCol During
Horse-Back Riding Mishap
Yet another unselfish act of heroism performed by a man wearing Anchors:
An Air Force LtCol decides to try horseback riding, even though he has
had no lessons or prior experience. He mounts the horse, unassisted, and
the horse immediately springs into action. As it gallops along at a
steady and rhythmic pace, the LtCol begins to slip from the saddle. In
terror, he grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot get a firm grip. He
tries to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he slides down the
side of the horse anyway!
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its' slipping rider.
Finally, losing his frail grip, the LtCol attempts to leap away from the
horse and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot becomes
entangled in the stirrup, and he is now at the mercy of the horse's
pounding hooves as his head is struck against the ground over and over
and over.
As his head is battered against the ground and he is mere moments away
from unconsciousness, to his great fortune, a Navy Chief shopping at
Wal-Mart, sees him and quickly unplugs the horse.
ldjessup
05-12-2007, 11:43 AM
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV, hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello, son is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
The minister fainted.
REDCART
05-12-2007, 09:27 PM
Perfect Diet
A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice
of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"
He declines.
"Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now.
It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my
appetite."
At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something.
"A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines.
"The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
"Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or
maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again.
"No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra....I'm still not hungry."
Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
REDCART
05-20-2007, 08:56 AM
A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
facelift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make
the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43
years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
(You'll love this!!!)
God replied: "I didn't recognize you."
REDCART
05-21-2007, 08:54 AM
Wife vs Husband
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted
to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and
pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws
REDCART
05-21-2007, 05:28 PM
Medicare in a Nutshell
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."
"Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a
biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain
which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or
terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the
other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your
husbands."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests
one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't
sleep with him."
REDCART
05-23-2007, 09:17 AM
At a nursing home in the N.J, Seaside, a group of Senior
Citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments:
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,"
said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my
coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,"
said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy,".... another went on.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced
an old man as he slowly shook his head. Then there was a
short moment of silence.
"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully.
"Thank God we can all still drive."
"And maybe fly helicopters!" ;D
Donna
05-23-2007, 09:26 AM
:bigthumbsup:
REDCART
05-23-2007, 09:02 PM
Donna glad to see you've got a sense of humor.
REDCART
05-23-2007, 09:05 PM
Gambling Blonde. . .>
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very
attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived.. and bet
twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I
play topless." With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the
dice; and yelled, "Come on, baby.... Southern Girl needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down...
and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers... and then picked up her winnings
and her clothes, and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them
asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."
Moral ---
Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But, all men... are men.
Donna
05-24-2007, 07:27 AM
gryoung....I knew what you were doing..I thought it was cute!! 8)
REDCART
05-24-2007, 11:20 AM
MURPHY'S NEW LAWS
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.
8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
REDCART
05-24-2007, 05:58 PM
[color=navy]Growing Old Together
A couple in their nineties, are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay,
but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a
Bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so
you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd
like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down,
so's not to forget it?" He says, "I can remember that. You want a
bowl of ice cream with strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream.
I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks. Irritated,
he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream
with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!
Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and
Hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast ?"
REDCART
05-25-2007, 08:48 AM
Tony Soprano told this joke and I thought it was cute -- enjoy!
An Italian walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Italy on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for
the loan, so the Italian handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Italian produced the title and
everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral
for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Italian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Italian replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Ah, the Italians...
GERALDINE
05-26-2007, 09:32 AM
Three generations of men are playing golf one day and their 4th is a beautiful, voluptuous woman.
On the 18th green, the woman has a 40' putt for her first Eagle ever. Wanting desperately to make this eagle putt, she says to the 3 men, "to whichever one of you can give me the right line to this putt...so that I make it, I will give them the BEST time of their lives tonight".
The young son, eagerly approaches her ball, surveys it from all angles and pronounces that, "it will go down the incline and break slightly from left to right at about 2" from the hole".
The Dad is next and he too studies the approach from all angles and proclaims, "no, I don't think so, there's another slight incline after the first and I say the ball will break right to left about 1 foot from the hole".
Grandpa, stands steadfast, doesn't survey the ball or the line it may take, and simply says, "it's a gimme"!!!
AHHHH the wisdom of age!!!! ;D
REDCART
05-27-2007, 08:46 AM
DATING IN 1957
It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up
his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with
his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes
to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and
invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why
don't you have a seat?" she says.
He says, "That's cool."
Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning
to do.
Harold replies politely that they will probably just
go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie.
Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go
out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold
and he says "Wha...aaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue
really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if
we let her!"
Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to
ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the
evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in
her little poodle skirt with Her saddle shoes, and
announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts
his date out the front door while Mom is saying,
"Have a good Evening kids," with a small wink for
Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled
Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door
behind her and screams at her mother: "Dammit, Mom!
The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!
REDCART
05-27-2007, 07:59 PM
[color=navy]The Zen of Sarcasm
01. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
02. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
03. Its always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
04. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
05. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
06. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
07. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
08. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
09. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10 Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.!
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
REDCART
05-28-2007, 08:22 AM
My wife tells me that many of these jokes are "men's humor." OK, so here's one for the ladies....
Women Beware (funny)
Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidney was
stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was
an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening every day.
My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just
that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs.
The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a
cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and
what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally,
hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in sweats and Sheer Energy
pantyhose. Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again.
My ass was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match
my new rear end to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. I couldn't believe that my
new ass was attached at least t hree inches lower than my original. Now, my rear
complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.
It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was
fixing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms
swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary.
My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and how fiendish.
Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something
like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair,
I gave up my T-shirts.
What could they do to me next?
My poor neck suddenly disappeared faster than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled.
That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself.
Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee. That really i sn't plastic that those
surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you?
The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted", look again. Was it lifted from you?
I think I finally found my thighs, and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!
This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS!
P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and
they were gone! As I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in
my armpits as I slept.
Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.
REDCART
05-29-2007, 06:28 PM
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded: "Oh.! Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone."
REDCART
05-30-2007, 06:33 PM
$30,000.00 Funeral
Joe died, leaving a will that provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last of the visitors departed the affair, his widow, Helen, turned
to her oldest friend and said, "Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who then lowered her voice and
leaned in close, "How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Helen replied, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church.
The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the
Memorial Stone."
Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?"
"Two and a half carats."
REDCART
05-31-2007, 07:49 PM
Don't know if anyone has found anything humorous here over the past month. It's probably time to begin a new thread...well maybe tomorrow being June 1st.
Some Thoughts ....
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
13. Think about this. No one ever says "It's only a game" when his team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of OLD LADIES running around with tattoos and RAP music will be the Golden Oldies?
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
19. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
KenMac
07-23-2007, 10:28 AM
A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in
front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got
out, a truck came along too close to the curb and completely tore off
the driver's door.
Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the
accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But,
before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started
screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked
up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the
same, no matter how hard the body shop will try to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his
head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are
so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important
things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Didn't you even realize that your left arm is
missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"
"OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer.
(scroll down)
"MY ROLEX!"
REDCART
07-23-2007, 09:23 PM
THREE THINGS TO THINK ABOUT:
1. THE COWS
2. THE CONSTITUTION
3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
ON COWS: Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our
government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago,
right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington?
And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate
11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.
ON THE CONSTITUTION: They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for
Iraq, why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys,
it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.
ON THE TEN COMMANDMENTS: The real reason that we can't have the Ten
Commandments in a courthouse........
You cannot post
"Thou Shalt Not Steal,"
"Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery", and "Thou Shall Not Lie"
in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians -- it creates
a hostile work environment.
REDCART
07-25-2007, 09:32 PM
Politics
Whether Democrat or Republican, I think you'll get a kick out of this..
A young boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked,
he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand
the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you
think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class
while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored
and the Future is in deep S _H _ IT
REDCART
07-27-2007, 05:38 PM
Surrogate Father
MAKING A BABY...
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and
decided to use a surrogate father to start their
family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith
kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now;
the man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door
baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell,
hoping to make a sale.
Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''
Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in,
embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well,
that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please
come in and have a seat"
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we
start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the
bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the
bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You
can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work
out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one
every time. But if we try several different positions
and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll
be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time.
I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm
sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a
portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the
top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her
throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when
you consider their mother was so difficult to work
with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the
park to get the job done right. People were crowding
around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide
with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than
three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing
and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when
darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally,
when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I
just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually
chewed on your, uh ...equipment? "
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll
set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my
Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand
very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted..... ....
REDCART
07-29-2007, 12:29 PM
SMART DOG
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in
his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,
and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a redlight,
look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the
timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front
and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher
follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes
back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door.
He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the
garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
A big guy opens it and starts cursing the dog. The butcher runs up screams at the guy:
"What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds,
"Genius, yeah...sure. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"
REDCART
08-01-2007, 07:16 PM
Celibacy Alert
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or it can be a condition imposed by certain unintentional displays of stupidity, to wit:
While attending a marriage therapy weekend, Walter and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know what is important to each other."
He addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"
And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.
KenMac
08-02-2007, 08:01 AM
For all you golfers... (old but still apropos!)
# 10
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
# 9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
# 8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
# 7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
# 6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
# 5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
# 4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
# 3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
# 2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
# 1
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old. "
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir.
REDCART
08-03-2007, 09:11 PM
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom
making love with a strange woman. The wife became immediately upset.
"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to
Me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I
want a divorce right away!"
The husband replied "Hang on just a minute Love, so at least I can
tell you what happened."
"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words
you'll say to me!"
So, the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive
home from work and this lady here asked me for a ride to the shelter.
She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her
and so let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well
dressed and dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days!
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the
enchiladas the meal I made you for dinner last night - the ones you wouldn't
eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured
them in moments..
Since she needed a good clean up, I suggested she jump in the
shower, and while she was doing that I realized her clothes were dirty and
full of holes and weren't worth laundering, so I threw them away.
Since she is about the same size as you are and because she needed
clothes, I gave her those designer jeans that I gave you a couple
of years ago as a 'just-because', but you won't use because you say
they aren't the right designer..
I found the pretty blouse my sister gave you for Christmas last
year that you don't use just to annoy her.
I also gave her the underwear that I gave you as a gift on our
anniversary, which you don't use because 'I don't have good taste',
and I also gave her those boots you bought at the expensive boutique
and won't use because someone at work has the same pair."
The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so
Grateful for my generous compassion and help, as I walked her to the door, she
turned to me with tears of gratitude in her eyes and said, "Please,
sir...do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"
KenMac
08-04-2007, 09:10 AM
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "No". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door, and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
I LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people!!=
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++++
EMERGENCY ROOM
The other day, I needed to go to the emergency room.
Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch that I had downloaded off the Internet onto the front of my shirt.
When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.
Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.
http://C:/borderpatrolpatch.jpg
(Border Patrol Patch - just in case the image does not come through!)
It also works well if you ever have to use a Laundromat, too.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++++++++++++
TICK WARNING!
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, but this one is real, and
it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e- mail list.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks
due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance
around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!! They only
want to see you naked.
:edit:I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid. :joke:
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++++++++
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabethdie on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should get into Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure the angels will be pleased to see them every day, for eternity."
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The angel chuckles and says, "Okay, Your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and gets in! Would you explain that to me?"
"Sorry, Dolly," says the angel, but, even in Heaven, a royal flush
beats a pair - no matter how big they are.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++=
Husband's marriage seminar.
At the church's husband's marriage seminar, the Priest asked Luigi, on
his upcoming 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share
some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all
these years. Luigi replied to the audience "Well, I'v-a tried to
treat-a her well, spend-a the money on her, but-a, da best-a is-a dat I
took her to Italy for the 20th-a anniversary!
The Priest immediately commented, "Luigi, you are an amazing
inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell the audience what you
are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary..."Luigi proudly
replied, "I'm-a gonna go and-a get her."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +
*22 CAT Sayings*
1 "Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will pee on
your computer."-- Bruce Graham [ [� Not more than once!!]]
2 "There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."-- Unknown
3 "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never
forgotten this."-- Anonymous
4 "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled
through snow."-- Jeff Valdez
5 "In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."-- English proverb
6 "As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."-- Ellen Perry Berkeley
7 "One cat leads to another."-- Ernest Hemingway
8 "Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you
later."-- Mary Bly
9 "Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many
ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia."-- Joseph
Wood Krutch
10 "People who hate cats will come back as mice in their next life."-- Faith
Resnick
11 "There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned
by cats."-- Anonymous
12 "I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is
infinitely superior."-- Hippolyte Taine
13 "No heaven will Heaven be, unless my cats are there to welcome me."--
Unknown
14 "There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and
cats."-- Albert Schweitzer
15 "The cat has too much spirit to have no heart."-- Ernest Menaul
16 "Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."-- Unknown
17 "Time spent with cats is never wasted."-- Unknown
18 "Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they
have many other fine qualities as well."-- Missy Dizick
19 "You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange
cats."-- Colonial American proverb
20 "Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for
what you want."-- Joseph Wood Krutch
21 "I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic."
22 "My husband said it was him or the cat ... sometimes I miss him!"
chuckinca
12-13-2007, 05:55 AM
Scotch Humor:
BONO , lead singer of the band U2, is famous in the entertainment
> industry for being more than just a little self-righteous. At a U2
> concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total
> quiet. Then in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands,
> once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he
> said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands a child in
> Africa dies"
> A voice with a broad Glaswegian accent in the front of the crowd
> pierced the quiet ... "Well , foockin' stop doing it then, ya evil
> basturd!"
chuckinca
12-13-2007, 05:58 AM
What does the Yellow Light Mean?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mrJKB1MtHk
bamafan
12-14-2007, 02:19 AM
That was the best laugh I've had in a long while Thanks Chuck
Muncle
12-14-2007, 03:35 AM
The clip at this link is hilarious:
http://crackle.com/c/High_Wire/Mrs_hughes_skewed_views/2041059#vt=1
and then there's ~~
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' -- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' -- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have
since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You ma y die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get
a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops
to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness But it does bring you a more pleasant form of
misery.
-- Spike Milligan
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
-- Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's ti me for my
nap.
-- Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way
through Congress.
-- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. . As you grow older, it will avoid
you.
-- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to
wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so
"profound" that the Professor shared it with colleagues, via the
Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying
it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) Or endothermic
(absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using Boyle's Law: (Gas cools when it expands and heats when it is
Compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So
we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the
rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that
once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the
different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these
religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you
will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since
people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all
souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect
the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in
Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately
as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
soul s enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will
increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the Increase of souls
in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over. So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my freshman
year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and
take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then
number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has
already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell
has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is
therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby Proving the
existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept
shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
chuckinca
12-14-2007, 04:39 AM
More Scottish Humor:
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the
prim librarian,
'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over
the top of
her glasses and says, 'Fook off, ye'll no bring it
back.�
Bella
12-14-2007, 08:31 PM
OLD FOLKS...
Remember...Old Folks are worth a fortune, with silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in the kidneys, lead in their feet and gas in their stomaches I have become a little older since I saw you last and a few changes have come into my life since then...
Frankly, I have become quite a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen everyday. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me to get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charley Horse comes along, and when he is here, he takes up a lot of my time and attention. As soon as he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay...WHAT A LIFE!!!
P.S.
The Preacher came to call the other day and said that at my age I should be thinking of the Hereafter. I told him "Oh, I do all the time...no matter where I am...whether it be in the parlour, upstairs, in the kitchen or down in the basement...I ask myself...
"WHAT AM I HERE AFTER?"
chuckinca
12-21-2007, 06:44 PM
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo
> Toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
>
> Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her
> first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
>
> The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
> The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
> employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is
> backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
>
> The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men
> march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed
> up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're
> really beginning to pile up.
>
> At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me
> Elmo's. She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small
> marbles.
>
> The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric,
> wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little
> package between Elmo's legs.
>
> The Personnel Manager burst into laughter. After several minutes of
> hysterics he pulled himself together and approached Lena.
>
> "I'm sorry," he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I
> think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."Your job
> is to give Elmo two test tickles."
>
villages07
12-22-2007, 12:10 AM
chuckinca....oh, that was too cute. Below is a joke sent to me by a friend...sounds like they could be talking about The Villages:
RETARDED GRANDPARENTS - (this was actually reported by a teacher)
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida . Now they live in a box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and
wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be
the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
bamafan
12-22-2007, 02:35 AM
Chuck loved the tickle me elmo.
A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item , pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his w ife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon.
Closed coffin.
Taltarzac
12-31-2007, 02:00 AM
Bump.
Casino
01-03-2008, 01:47 AM
Old People thing!!!! Ain't this the truth???
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around -- in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.
The more he chided her -- the more agitated he became.
He just wouldn't let up one minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,
'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.'
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week
You can do your part by remembering to contact at
least one unstable person to show you care.
Well....my job is done. Your turn!
beady
01-03-2008, 02:28 AM
Very appropriate TV humor. 1rnfl 1rnfl 1rnfl
REDCART
01-12-2008, 02:47 PM
Snow parking
One winter morning while listening to the radio, Leroy and his wife, Carol, hear the announcer say, 'We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.' Carol goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says,' We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.' Carol goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says' We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park... Then the electric power goes out. Carol is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, 'Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?'
With the love and understanding in his voice, like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Leroy says, 'Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?
renielarson
01-12-2008, 03:22 PM
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
P. S. I was just admitted. :o
REDCART
01-12-2008, 04:56 PM
The Divorced Barbie Doll
One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, sir?
We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".
The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the ot hers only $19.95?"
The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and... one of Ken's Friends."
nONIE
01-12-2008, 11:31 PM
Brightspot,
Gotta tell me, Is that new picture you???? All these new pictures are driving me crazy!! Please please tell me! : :bow:
logdog
01-12-2008, 11:47 PM
On Marriage and Women...
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
--David Bissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
--Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
--Hemant Joshi
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
--Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
--Dumas
The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
--Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
--Anonymous
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
--Henny Youngman
"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
--Sam Kinison
"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
--James Holt McGavran
"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
--Patrick Murray
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
--Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
--Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
--Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
--Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
--Milton Berle
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
--Anonymous
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
--Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
REDCART
01-16-2008, 01:41 AM
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
REDCART
01-17-2008, 02:04 AM
GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn
't gift giving, it's the white people's version of looting.
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did
you expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde
teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these
kids: 'Lucky bastards.'
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're
a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're
a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about
your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of
this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry,
but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour
some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned
pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be
in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security
crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light
ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge
*******.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding,
no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is
supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it
translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's
called 'The Howard Stern Show.'
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote
so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the
reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea
wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After
I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex
with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or
just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I
just want to wash my hands
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27
months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't
really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays
better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every
available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do
you want fries with that?'
REDCART
01-17-2008, 02:12 AM
To all Employees:
Effective January 2008
Dress Code
1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
salary.
If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a pay raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness.
If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Holiday Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Compassionate Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.
In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral
should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.
At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper
roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will
be taken.
After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the
company notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the
company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so
that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal
to maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
gonzy
01-18-2008, 10:19 PM
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years." :joke:
nONIE
01-19-2008, 01:29 AM
This one had me laughing so hard my hubby called upstairs to see if Im ok!!!!! 1rnfl
gonzy
01-19-2008, 03:41 AM
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn�t seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: �My friend is dead! What can I do?�
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: �Just take it easy. I can help. First, let�s make sure he�s dead.�
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy�s voice comes back on the line. He says: �Okay, now what?�
REDCART
01-22-2008, 05:07 AM
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddy bikers who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Dallas, TX.
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud says, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"
Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and got completely smashed.
The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing. Then the phone rings. It's Jim.
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"
Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"
Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"
Bud says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."
Jim says, "Yeah, well there's just one thing."
Bud asks, "What's that?"
Jim asks, "Have you farted yet?"
Bud says, "No."
Jim says, "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver
Donna
01-22-2008, 05:21 AM
gryoung..
That is too funny..http://www.millan.net/minimations/smileys/laugh3.gif (http://www.millan.net)
I have to get a copy for the Helicopter Flight School...http://www.millan.net/minimations/smileys/coffeescreen.gif (http://www.millan.net)They will get a kick out of it..
REDCART
01-22-2008, 05:32 AM
Many of us (those over 40, WAY over 40 or hovering near 40) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5 Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A bellybutton ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker
And last, but not least . . . my personal favorite:
13. Thongs and Depends
Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.
Donna
01-22-2008, 05:38 AM
http://www.millan.net/minimations/smileys/croaksmileyf.gif (http://www.millan.net)
http://www.millan.net/minimations/smileys/faintingsmiley.gif (http://www.millan.net)
A golfer is in competition with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to him, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."
A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.
Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."
The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.
Down to the final hole. The gofer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"
The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.
As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you," says the golfer, "my name is Father O'Malley."
REDCART
01-24-2008, 01:59 AM
THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2007:
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[b]And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
The Great Fumar
01-24-2008, 05:42 AM
I didn't check Snopes or Hoaxbusters
to see if this actually works or if it's a scam or hoax.
'They' say:
If you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked,
you should drink some Windex first.
It'll keep you from streaking.
A very fast fumar ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
REDCART
01-25-2008, 04:04 AM
Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf
REDCART
01-25-2008, 04:15 AM
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas Bert always
wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale,
he buys them and wears them home. Walking proudly, he goes into the
kitchen and says to his wife "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looks him over "Nope".
Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks
back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again
he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging
down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down
again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,
MARGARET?"
"Nope", she replies.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!"
Margaret replies... "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Ya shoulda bought
a hat.".
Donna
01-25-2008, 09:40 AM
I love that one...http://www.millan.net/minimations/smileys/laugh3.gif (http://www.millan.net)
chuckinca
01-25-2008, 06:53 PM
The latest telephone poll taken by the California Governor's office
asked whether people who live in California think illegal immigration is
a serious problem:
29% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."
71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa."
(Some polls tend to answer themselves)
Taltarzac
01-25-2008, 08:15 PM
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas Bert always
wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale,
he buys them and wears them home. Walking proudly, he goes into the
kitchen and says to his wife "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looks him over "Nope".
Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks
back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again
he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging
down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down
again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,
MARGARET?"
"Nope", she replies.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!"
Margaret replies... "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Ya shoulda bought
a hat.".
Maybe, jokes like this one is why TOTV got labelled a "porn site" by some Latin American internet cafes. :joke:
That and some of Handie's pictures probably did not help. I mean like that bare-a** Handie Claus and the popularity of the "Sex in the Villages" thread.
REDCART
01-26-2008, 03:37 AM
Subject: The Demographics of American Newspapers
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the
country .
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the
country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run
the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the
country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do,
however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind
running the country -- if they could find the time -- and if they
didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the
country and did a poor job of it , thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure
who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can
get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is
running the country as long as they do something really scandalous,
preferably while intoxicated.
9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another
country but need the baseball scores.
10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure
if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they
oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if
the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also
happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy,
provided of course, that they are not Republicans.
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the
grocery store.
12. The Oregonian is read by people who have recently caught a fish
and need something in which to wrap it.
ejp52
01-26-2008, 04:31 AM
A woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Florida State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball." He replied " Florida State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car....... ;D
REDCART
01-29-2008, 01:13 AM
UNANSWERED QUESTIONS
1) Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
2) If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
3) Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
4) If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
5) If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
6) Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
7) If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
8. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
9) If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?
10) Do Lipton Tea employees take "coffee breaks?"
11) What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
12) I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
13) Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
14) Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
15) If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
16) Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
Why do they put an expiration date on sour cream?
nONIE
01-29-2008, 03:04 AM
Actually, why dont they put an expiration date on sour p u s s e s !!!! 1rnfl
Muncle
01-29-2008, 03:12 AM
For Villagers, snow is cold, wet, disgusting stuff that comes in the winter. Makes driving and walking terrible. With apologies to blondes, real or not:
One winter morning a husband and wife in northern Colorado were Listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your Car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must Park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows Can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very Upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the Snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are Married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just Leave it in the garage this time?"
nONIE
01-29-2008, 03:17 AM
Muncle, Im sure glad Im not a blonde!! Good one 1rnfl
REDCART
01-29-2008, 04:21 AM
Blondes are always getting a bad rap!!! What ever happened to Polish jokes?
nONIE
01-29-2008, 02:22 PM
gryoung,
Good question! Havant heard one in a long time. We have to keep the insults balanced here.
Anyone know a good polish joke?
nONIE
01-29-2008, 02:37 PM
ok, ok, heres one........
How many poles does it take to change a light bulb?
100001! One to hold the bulb and the other 100000 to spin the house!!! 1rnfl
Beltlady
01-29-2008, 03:03 PM
My favorite Polish joke is the guy who tried to build a basement in his ice shanty.
Donna
01-29-2008, 04:30 PM
Blondes are always getting a bad rap!!! What ever happened to Polish jokes?
Thank you GRYOUNG...Glad some peeps consider us blondes...http://www.millan.net/minimations/smileys/blondhair.gif (http://www.millan.net)
DickY
01-29-2008, 07:59 PM
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
Donna
01-29-2008, 08:42 PM
1rnfl ......1rnfl...... 1rnfl...... 1rnfl...... 1rnfl
DickY
01-29-2008, 09:34 PM
complete prostate exams are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous ..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (male) while he was performing their prostate exams:
>
> 1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before !
>
> 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet ?"
>
> 3. "Can you hear me NOW ?"
>
> 4. "Are we there yet ? Are we there yet ? Are we there yet ?"
>
> 5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
>
> 6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief ?"
>
> 7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out ..."
>
> 8. "Hey ! Now I know how a Muppet feels !"
>
> 9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit !
>
> 10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
>
> 11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you ?"
>
> 12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."
>
> And the best one of all ...
>
> 13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there ?"
nONIE
01-29-2008, 09:38 PM
Dicky,
These are so funny.
Probably a good thing to think about while the doc is doing his thang! I dont suppose its any fun for the doc either!
REDCART
01-30-2008, 12:44 AM
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs
to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table
with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in
thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he
wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into
the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago
when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring
and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily.
"Do you remember when you father caught us in the back
seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering
herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he
shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry
my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
"I would have gotten out today!"
REDCART
01-31-2008, 12:47 AM
Jose and Carlos are panhandlers...... They panhandle on different areas of town.
Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects $2 to $3 dollars every day.
Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?".
Jose says, . "Look at your sign, what does it say?"
Carlos sign reads, "I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support."
Jose says, " No wonder you only get $2-3 dollars."
Carlos says, "So what does your sign say?"
Jose shows Carlos his sign......
It reads, "I only need another $10.00
to move back to Mexico."
Casino
01-31-2008, 05:17 PM
Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the breeze with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed:
Clueless :dontknow:
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore! You're a United States Senator from N ew York running for President of the United States. Act like one!
l2ridehd
01-31-2008, 05:27 PM
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.
What is your first request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone."
The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,
"Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE"
REDCART
02-01-2008, 12:40 AM
JoanneP, As I was reading your joke, I could hear the Fruitcake Lady in my head. The Clinton's have certainly contributed to the humor mill. Have you ever heard the Fruitcake Lady? If not google Fruitcake Lady and you'll see what I mean.
Nonnie, glad you appreciate my humor. Wish I could take credit for it but most of it just comes via emails. Now, Tal, Handi, and Fumar are truly witty. George
REDCART
02-02-2008, 03:11 PM
There are some jokes that are just as funny every time you hear them...This is one of them.
What Do Retired People Do All Day?
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife called him a ****head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age
Muncle
02-03-2008, 05:08 AM
http://i266.photobucket.com/albums/ii253/billfl/Abeerbeforeitstarts_1.jpg
REDCART
02-05-2008, 02:09 AM
One night after a couple had retired for the night, the woman become aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time, the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.
The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed."
Why are you stopping?" she whispered.
He whispered back, "I found the remote."
REDCART
02-06-2008, 01:38 AM
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress pretends not to notice and asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A ham burger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again, the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time ?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
another Linda
02-06-2008, 03:01 AM
Question:
Why do the give Viagra to old men in nursing homes?
Answer:
So they won't roll out of bed.
chuckinca
02-12-2008, 09:05 PM
Subject: Golf
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement
25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast. 'That's it,' he tells his
wife. I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad...once I've hit
the ball, I can't see where it went.'
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says, 'Why don't you take my
brother with you, and give it one more try.'
'That's no good,' sighs Arthur. 'Your brother is a hundred and three.
He can't help.'
'He may be a hundred and three,' says the wife, 'but his eyesight is
perfect.'
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his
brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down
the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. 'Did you see the ball'?
'Of course I did!', says the brother-in-law. 'I have perfect eyesight.'
'Where did it go?', says Arthur.
'I can't remember.'
REDCART
02-13-2008, 04:34 AM
WHY PARENTS DRINK
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the Worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love,
Your Son,
John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card, that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
REDCART
02-14-2008, 12:56 AM
Sad news from Mexico---- 2008 Olympics
Mexico Drops Out Of 2008 Summer Olympics
President Felipe Calderon of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the Beijing Summer Olympics.
He stated:
"Casi cada uno que puede funcionar, saltar, o la nadada ha salido ya del pams."
Translation:
"Pretty much everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country."
REDCART
02-14-2008, 01:09 AM
Read the cake first:
http://i250.photobucket.com/albums/gg273/gryoung23/BirthdayCake.jpg
Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went:
Wal-Mart Employee: 'Hello 'dis Walmarts, how can I help you?'
Customer: 'Yes, I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.'
Wal-Mart Employee: 'Whatchu want on the cake?'
Customer: 'Best Wishes Suzanne.' And underneath that 'We will miss you'.
Sad but true. This actually happened.
another Linda
02-14-2008, 01:34 AM
George, you do make me laugh!
nONIE
02-14-2008, 01:43 AM
GR,
That is unbelievable but sadly true. I wonder if the reciepant of that cake had to pay for it!! It should have been a freebee! 1rnfl
REDCART
02-17-2008, 04:21 PM
Subject: Nurse story
A nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her
purse and tries to write with it.
When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and
without missing a beat, she says:
"Well, that's great....that's just great....some *******'s got my pen!"
DickY
02-17-2008, 04:45 PM
A Fairy Fable
A married couple, in their early 60s, was celebrating their 42nd
wedding anniversary at a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny beautiful Fairy appeared on their table.
She said: "For being such an exemplary married couple and
especially for being so thoughtful and loving to each other for
all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
"Oh, said the wife, I want to travel around the World with my
Darling husband"
The fairy waved her magic wand; and - poof! - two tickets for the
Queen Mary II luxury liner and Ten Thousand Dollars appeared in
her hands.
Then it was the husband's turn.
He thought for a minute and said: "Well, this is all very
romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. So
I'm going with my mind and not my Heart. "
"I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger
than me."
The wife and the Fairy were shocked and disappointed.
But a wish is a wish. So, the Fairy waved her magic wand, and -
Poof! - The husband became 92 years old.
The Moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful idiots should
remember; Fairies are females
Casino
02-17-2008, 11:52 PM
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little
old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had
cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box,
but one day the little old woman got very sick and the
doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took
down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was
in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls
and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married,"
she said, " my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage
was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you,
I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two
precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll,
but what about all of this money?
Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."
A Prayer.......
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods;
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death, because I don't know how to crochet.
JUREK
02-20-2008, 08:37 PM
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?' Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he drug himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
To which he whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
l2ridehd
02-21-2008, 12:03 PM
A Jewish Mother
Mrs. Katz comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner...who lives with a female roommate Maria...
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.'
About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?'
Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure.'
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Momma,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Anthony
Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Momma which read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love, Momma
Lesson: Never lie to your Momma...especially, if she's Jewish.
chuckinca
02-21-2008, 07:00 PM
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Have your
parents tell you a story with a moral at the end.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell
their stories.
"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Marg. She was a
pilot
In Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over
enemy
Territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol
and a
Survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it
wouldn't
Break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of
twenty enemy
Troops.
She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of
bullets,
Killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then
she
Killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
"Good Hea vens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral
did
your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"
"Stay the f*** away from Aunt Marg when she's drinking."
chuckinca
02-21-2008, 07:04 PM
FATHER/DAUGHTER TALK
A young woman was about to finish her first year of
college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a
very
liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution of
wealth.
She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican,
a
feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had
participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that
her
father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he
thought should be his.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes
on
the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The
self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the
truth
and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was
doing
in school.
Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and
let
him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a
very
difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no
time to
go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time
for a
boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent
all
her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey
doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are
easy
classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so
popular
on campus, college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the
parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because
she's too hung over."
Her father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office
and
ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only
has
a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be
a
fair and equal distribution of GPA."
The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired
back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades!
I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done
next to
nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off !"
The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently,
"Welcome to the Republican Party."
REDCART
02-22-2008, 01:22 AM
A young Indian man excitedly tells his mother
he's fallen in love and that he is going to get
married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going
to bring over 3 women and you observe and
guesswhich one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees. The next day, he brings
three beautiful women into the house and sits
them down on the couch and they chat for
a while. He then says, "Okay Ma, guess which
one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies,
"The one on the right."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
The Indian mother replies, "I don't like her."
schotzyb
02-22-2008, 06:44 PM
> Subject: retired people
>
>
>
>
> Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a
shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was a cop
writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a
retired person a break'? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I
called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn
tires. So I called him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second
ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third
ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The mo re I abused him the more
tickets he wrote.
>
> Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he
was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said, 'Hillary in '08.'I
try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my
health.
REDCART
02-23-2008, 12:38 AM
Hillary Clinton called Bill into her office one day and said, "Bill, I have a great idea. I know how we can win back middle America and secure my presidential victory in 2008".
"Great, but how do you propose we go about that?" asked Bill.
"Well", Hillary responds, "We'll go down to a local Wal-Mart, get some cheesy clothes and shoes like most middle Americans wear, and then we'll stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador . When we look the part we'll go to a nice old country bar in middle America, and we'll show them that we really enjoy the countryside and show admiration and respect for the hard working people living there."
A few days later, all decked out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from New York in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for. With dog in tow they walk into the bar. They step up to the bar and the bartender takes a step back and says, "Aren't you Bill and Hillary Clinton?"
Hillary answers, "Yes we are, and what a lovely town you have here. We were just passing through and Bill suggested that we stop and take in some local color." They then order a couple of cocktails from the bartender and proceed to drink them down, all the while chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.
All of a sudden, the bar room door opens and a grizzled old farmer comes in. He walks up to the Labrador, lifts its tail and looks underneath, shrugs his shoulders and walks out the door.
A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He walks up to the dog, lifts its tail, looks underneath, scratches his head, and then leaves the bar. Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five farmers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and went away looking puzzled. Eventually Hillary and Bill could stand it no longer and called the bartender over, "Tell me", said Hillary, "Why did all those old farmers come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it some sort of old custom?"
"No," said the bartender. "It's just that someone told them that there was a Labrador in here with two arseholes."
DickY
02-24-2008, 10:56 PM
Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of
the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America ......do people order
double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America ......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Only in America ......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER ....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
REDCART
02-26-2008, 12:15 AM
7 kinds of Sex
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet
someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for
a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even
in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for
a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex
only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for
too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say
'screw you.'
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in
the afternoon and Nun at night.(Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
* This is when you cannot stand your wife any more.
She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And; Last, but not least,
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
* You get a little each month. But, not enough to
enjoy yourself.
l2ridehd
02-26-2008, 01:11 AM
A man and his wife were out on the golf course on a beautiful day. They were having a great round of golf, when on the tenth hole she asks him:
"If I die, will you get married again"? ......... " I don't know, why are you asking that? Its a beautiful day, just play golf".
"No seriously she says, do you think you would get married again"? ..... "I don't know, I might, a lot would depend, just play would you".
So they play along and two holes later, she asks: " well if you did marry again, would she live in our house"? ...... "How should I know, maybe, kind of dumb to buy a new house, stop with the crazy questions and play golf".
On the next hole: "Well, if she lives in our house, would she sleep in our bed"? ........ "No, I wouldn't do that, come on with all the questions, just play".
She is getting ready to put on the last hole and looks at him : "Would you let her use my golf clubs"? ........ "No, she is left handed".
Barefoot
02-26-2008, 11:05 AM
Moving to Nevada
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks: "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies: "I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year".
Barefoot
02-26-2008, 11:38 PM
BLESSED CANADA
On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats, and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."
God continued, "I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."
"But Lord," asked Gabriel "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"
"Not really," replied God "just wait and see the winters I am going to give them."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And now you know why Canadian Snowbirds buy houses in The Villages. :bigthumbsup:
Hancle704
02-27-2008, 12:04 AM
Pays to be honest
Man robs a bank and takes hostages. He asks the first hostage if he saw him rob the bank.
Hostage answers yes. Robber shoots him in the head.
Asks the second hostage if he saw him rob the bank. Hostage answers no, but my wife did.
REDCART
02-27-2008, 01:45 AM
POLITICALLY CORRECT!!.......and very timely!
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the senator.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says.......
'Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.'
l2ridehd
02-29-2008, 12:23 PM
FAST EDDIE
Eddie wanted desperately to make love with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.....but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you." The girl looked at him, and then said, "NO!" Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boy friend...so she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepted the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened??
Still breathing hard, she manages to reply, "The bas***d had all quarters!"
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!
REDCART
03-01-2008, 04:30 PM
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells
Luther, 'Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this
year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took
your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii . I went to Hawaii and Earlene
got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas ,and Earlene got
pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant
again.'
Luther asks Billy Bob, 'So, what you gonna do this year that's
different?'
Billy Bob says, 'This year I'm taking Earlene with me.'
REDCART
03-02-2008, 10:22 PM
In Marriage, it's all about communication!
http://www.smwa.net/downloads/funny/rake_bush4.swf
This is classic... click on this...
DickY
03-03-2008, 04:05 PM
Actual Letters received by the Welfare Department
I am forwarding a marriage certificate and six children. I have seven but one died, which was baptized on a half piece of paper.
I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years ago. When do I get my money?
Mrs. Jones has not had clothes for a year, and has been visited regularly by clergy.
I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?
I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
This my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?
Please find out for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am living with can't eat or do anything until he knows.
I am very annoyed to find out you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie, as I was married a week before he was born.
In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 5 children, one of which is a mistake as you can see.
My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago, and I haven't had any relief since.
Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make a difference?
I have no children yet as my husband is a truck driver and works day and night.
In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
I want money quickly as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks, and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve I will have to send for another doctor.
DickY
03-04-2008, 02:42 PM
Actual Auto Insurance Statements
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
Going to work this morning, I drove out of my driveway straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early.
Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo.
I realized the engine was on fire from the smoke under the hood. I took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.
I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight.
I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman...as he bounced off the roof of my car.
No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.
No one was to blame for the accident, but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
The car in front hit the pedestrian, but he got up so I hit him again.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight.
I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road, causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
The telephone pole was approaching, I was attempting to swerve out of its way, when it struck my front end.
Barefoot
03-05-2008, 03:49 AM
Actual Auto Insurance Statements
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching, I was attempting to swerve out of its way, when it struck my front end.
Thanks DickY, some of these are extremely funny .. nothing feels better than laughing out loud. :bigthumbsup:
REDCART
03-08-2008, 04:01 PM
Fred the Cowboy
A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire
seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher
came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy,
"Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher
became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up
from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher
marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment
he returned with the manager. Together the two of
them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with
no success.
Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger
surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right
buddy what's your name?"
"Fred," the cowboy moaned. "My name's Fred."
"Well, then -- where ya from, Fred?" asked the
Ranger in an effort to strike up a friendly conversation.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving
a muscle, Fred replied, "The balcony."
chuckinca
03-28-2008, 10:25 PM
> > Two blondes with hammers, Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter
> >work on a Habitat for Humanity house.. Carol, who was nailing down house
> >siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, and either toss
> >it over her shoulder or nail it in.
> >
> > Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you
> >throwing those nails away?"
> >
> > Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of
> >them have the head on the wrong end, and I throw them away."
> >
> > Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails
> >aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house.
> >
> > ==========================================
> >
> > A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the
> >tip of her index finger shot off.
> >
> > "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.
> >
> > "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.
> >
> > "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by
> >shooting off your finger?"
> >
> > "No, Silly," the blonde said, "first I put the gun to my chest, and
> >then I thought, I just paid $6,000.00 for these implants. I'm not
shooting
> >myself in the chest."
> >
> > "So then?" asked the doctor.
> >
> > "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I just paid
> >$3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the
> >mouth."
> >
> > "So then?" asked the doctor.
> >
> > "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: "This is going to
> >make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the
> >trigger.
> >
> > ===========================================
> >
> > A blonde was driving home after a game, and got caught in a really
> >bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took
it
> >to a repair shop.
> >
> > The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have
> >some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard,
> >and all the dents would pop out.
> >
> > So the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees, and
> >started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little
> >harder, and still nothing happened.
> >
> > Her blonde roommate saw her, and asked, "What are you doing?"
> >
> > The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to
> >blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
> >
> > The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to
> >roll up the windows first.."
> >
> > ==========================================
> >
> > Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in
> >movie? They had gone to see 'Closed for the winter'.
> >
> > =========================================
> >
> > A blonde was shopping at Target, and came across a shiny silver
> >thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it
> >to the clerk to ask what it was.
> >
> > The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos ... it keeps hot things hot,
> >and cold things cold."
> >
> > "Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing ... I'm going to buy it!" So
> >she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
> >
> > Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that?" he asked.
> >
> > "Why, that's a thermos ... it keeps hot things hot and cold things
> >cold," she replied.
> >
> > Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"
> >
> > The blond replied ... "Two popsicles and some coffee."
> >
> > ==========================================
> >
> > AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST:
> >
> > A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
> >
> > Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
> >
> > The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying
> >that my mother had passed away."
> >
> > The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for
> >the day? Take the day off to relax and rest."
> >
> > "Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it,
> >and I have the best chance of doing that here."
> >
> > The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of
> >hours pass, and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out
from
> >his office, and sees the blonde crying hysterically.. "What's so bad now?
> >Are you going to be okay?" he asks.
> >
> > "No," exclaims the blonde, "I just received a horrible call from my
> >sister. Her mother died, too!"
> >
> > That's all for now folks...
REDCART
04-05-2008, 02:01 AM
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children
and so was all mankind made."
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The
father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which
the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it
possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and
Papa said they developed from monkeys?"
The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you
about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
richman
04-07-2008, 01:38 PM
http://www.zippyvideos.com/9065165356779566/church-compilation/
chelsea24
04-07-2008, 10:50 PM
Richman, we don't agree on many things, but that's funny! :bigthumbsup:
REDCART
04-10-2008, 12:36 AM
HOW TO STOP CHURCH GOSSIP
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor
of the church's Morals, kept sticking her nose in to
other people's business. Several Members did not
approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared
Her enough to maintain their silence. She made a
mistake, however, when she accused George, a new
member, Of being an alcoholic after she saw his old
pickup parked in front of The town's only bar one
afternoon. She emphatically told George
(and several others) that everyone seeing it there
would know what he was doing. George, a man of few
words, stared at her for a moment and just turned And
walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny... He
said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly
parked his pickup in front of Mildred' s
house...walked home...and left it there all nigh t!!!
You gotta love George!
REDCART
04-16-2008, 01:53 AM
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?' 'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahama s , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world. Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?' The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.' 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough str ength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bullsht might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird si nging and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shts on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shts is your
friend.
(3) And when you're in deep sht, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
chuckinca
04-20-2008, 04:21 PM
http://hall4bc04.org/1977_2007.htm
chuckinca
04-20-2008, 04:41 PM
SHORT AND TO THE POINT
Garfield on the oil crisis
A lot of folks can't understand how we came
To have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
And
Texas
~~~
Our
DIPSTICKS
Are located in
Washington, D C !!!
Any Questions???
NO? Didn't think So.
REDCART
04-20-2008, 06:07 PM
[size=12pt]GIVING UP WINE
I was walking down the street when I was accosted
by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless
woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked,
'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it
instead of dinner?'
'No I had to stop drinking years ago,' the homeless
woman told me.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?'
I asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said.
'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?'
I asked.
'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman.'
I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money.
Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my
husband and me tonight.'
The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband
be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I
probably smell pretty disgusting.'
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman
looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'
http://i250.photobucket.com/albums/gg273/gryoung23/Woman.jpg
REDCART
05-08-2008, 12:58 AM
Gotta love women over 50 . . .
A woman, in her fifties, is at home happily jumping unclothed on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks . . .
"Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think . . .
I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor said not only am I healthy but . . .
I have the breasts of an 18 year old."
The husband replies . . .
"What did he say about your 55 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
chuckinca
05-15-2008, 10:41 PM
I was walking past the
mental hospital the other day,
and all the patients
were shouting,
'13....13....13.'
The fence was too high to see over,
but I saw a little knot hole in one of the
the planks, so I
looked through to see what
was going on.....
Some ******* poked me in
the eye with a stick!
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
chuckinca
07-18-2008, 11:15 PM
WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK
>
> I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
>
> A half-gallon of 2% milk,
> A carton of eggs,
> A quart of orange juice,
> A head of romaine lettuce,
> A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
> 1 lb. package of bacon.
>
>
> As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
> standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the
> cashier.
>
> While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly
> stated, "You must be single."
>
> I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
> derelict's intuition, since I am indeed single. I looked at the six
> items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my
selections.
> Nothing,
> I thought, that could have tipped off the drunk as to my marital status.
>
> Curiosity getting the better of me, I said, "Well, you know what,
> you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"
>
> The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
chuckinca
07-26-2008, 03:55 PM
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'
He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'
'So, where were you all these years? '
'In prison,' he says.
'Why did they put you in prison?'
He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'
'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'
nONIE
07-26-2008, 05:35 PM
1rnfl 1rnfl 1rnfl 1rnfl
Some women just cant take a hint!!! ;)
REDCART
07-29-2008, 12:25 AM
Counseling,,,, Minnesota Style
http://i250.photobucket.com/albums/gg273/gryoung23/Minnesota.jpg
Ole and Sven are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,
chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Sven says,
'I tink I'm gonna divorce my wife - she ain't spoke to
me in over 2 months.'
Ole sips his beer and says, 'Better tink it over...
........women like dat are hard to find.'
REDCART
08-04-2008, 12:27 AM
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
redwitch
08-06-2008, 01:44 PM
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'
He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'
Taltarzac
09-04-2008, 01:26 PM
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'
He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'
:clap2: 1rnfl 1rnfl
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A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened So she blew a little harder,and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Duh, like... HELLO! You need to roll up the windows first.'
REDCART
09-07-2008, 01:16 AM
*JUST A TAP ON THE SHOULDER"
A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.'
The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab..................
I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'*
REDCART
09-14-2008, 04:24 PM
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'4", hard bodied, male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, 'My God'...."
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