Party invitation etiquette

[playfair]

I am completely amazed by some Villagers who think that, if they are invited to a party, they expect the party host to allow them to bring their friends - people the host did NOT invite! I think that is quite nervy and WRONG!!

Only the HOST decides whom to invite. The host has reasons why they invite whom they invite and those they decide not to invite! If you are invited to a party don't ask the host if you can bring anyone with you (unless you have house guests) and NEVER just show up with friends who were not invited! This applies to everyone, even the guest of honor.

Where did this practice get started and why do people act this way? To me this is a form of social bullying!!! Your comments, please.

[Cobh521]

I totally agree with you. The same goes for a social gathering on your block. If you were not invited, you should not show up. The thing that annoys me is if they are not invited they trash you to the neighbors and then have the nerve to show up uninvited anyway. They have no problem eating and drinking your food even though they spread gossip about you.

[Patty55]

I don't know, this sort of thing has never bothered me.

[redwitch]

I think people are quicker to ask/bring friends here because it is such a changing neighborhood. If you meet someone, you want them to become part of "your" group. Someone new moves in that you feel would be a nice fit for this group. The couple down the street are no longer a couple and the one left behind needs to get out and meet other people. So, if there is a party, folks ask if they can bring those friends along. It is usually not a problem. However, the host should always have the option of saying no and this option should be freely given and no guilt should ever apply.

[kittygilchrist]

forgive me for responding as if we were having a conversation. Perhaps someone brought a guest you did not invite to your party and you sucked it up and smiled through the whole event feeling livid and angry and then vented here on TOTV.
That sounds like a very helpless way to cope with emotions. What could the host, whether you or not, do in this situation to regain a sense of empowerment or of genuine grace?

[PammyJ]

I as a host do not mind if this happens, not one bit!
However, if I were tempted to bring someone to someone else's party I would call the host and ask first because I know it would bother some.

To me it is not worth hurting feelings.
Depending on the situation, it may be for the best. I could see someone's ex or people who just can't get along with certain people as a reason of why you don't want them to come.

[2BNTV]

In the singles world, this is accepted but I still would call the host and get their approval. I was consider it extremely rude, if the person invited, did not insure they were welcomed.

Going on TOTV to trash someone after they were invited to a party they normally would not have be invited to, is not acceptable.

It is not classy. IMHO

[l2ridehd]

A better way to handle this then asking the host if you can bring a friend. What do you expect them to say, no? Then you make them the bad guy/gal.

Call the host and tell them you have a friend that you need to see, be with, meet, spend time with, needs company, what ever works for you, and that you need to .... and will have to skip their party. If they don't mind, they will say bring them along. If they do they will say sorry, we will miss you. You can always call back the next day and say you were able to handle it another way and can now come if they still have space for you.

[graciegirl]

I think that manners is just kindness written down. If there is room and enough, then bring 'em on.

Just because someone made a RULE that does not mean it is kind. It is better to err on inviting one too many than one too few and hurting someone.

It isn't ever fun to feel on the outside. EVER. No. Don't have a gathering if you are doing it to exclude. PLEASE.

That said. Please forgive me if I have excluded any of you who missed my earlier invitation. We can always find room for one more. AND there will be a next time.

Look for a February SweetGirls party.

[bkcunningham1]

forgive me for responding as if we were having a conversation. Perhaps someone brought a guest you did not invite to your party and you sucked it up and smiled through the whole event feeling livid and angry and then vented here on TOTV.
That sounds like a very helpless way to cope with emotions. What could the host, whether you or not, do in this situation to regain a sense of empowerment or of genuine grace?

I am interested in your thoughts Kitty. Please, continue. It does sound like a very helpless and frustrating way to start an event that was suppose to be fun and enjoyable.

Signed,
One of the SweetGirls

[kittygilchrist]

I am interested in your thoughts Kitty. Please, continue. It does sound like a very helpless and frustrating way to start an event that was suppose to be fun and enjoyable.

Signed,
One of the SweetGirls

You are a sweetgirl, indeed!
I agree with Playfair that hijacking a party takes some gall. Now if I had been at that party and then read this thread...now that's a lot of drama. Posting about it publicly seems provocative, as does the invite infraction.

I'm a somewhat anxious party-giver and identify with being easily rattled, but would try not to let on with guests during or after AND likely to ask guests to help if needed.

I suppose I might tease the person who brought the surprise guest with joking about being from the south and asking them all to stay overnight...that's what my family always said to anybody who stopped by for a visit...won't you stay for supper? why don't you just stay with us for the night? guess that comes from way back yonder when it'uz a fur piece a-gettin' home. (They still speak Elizabethan in Tennessee)

[graciegirl]

You are a sweetgirl, indeed!
I agree with Playfair that hijacking a party takes some gall. Now if I had been at that party and then read this thread...now that's a lot of drama. Posting about it publicly seems provocative, as does the invite infraction.

I'm a somewhat anxious party-giver and identify with being easily rattled, but would try not to let on with guests during or after AND likely to ask guests to help if needed.

I suppose I might tease the person who brought the surprise guest with joking about being from the south and asking them all to stay overnight...that's what my family always said to anybody who stopped by for a visit...won't you stay for supper? why don't you just stay with us for the night? guess that comes from way back yonder when it'uz a fur piece a-gettin' home. (They still speak Elizabethan in Tennessee)

You,Kitty, are an excellent hostess. I have attended parties where the guest of honor did not show up and the hostess maintained her composure and all went like clockwork.

You never know what will happen next in a retirement community.

Hang on Sloopy.

[TrudyM]

If you are serving food it can be a panic when more than expected show up. What drives me crazy is when people say they will come and then don't, especially if it is a dinner. When I moved to Marietta, GA a few years back I hosted a neighborhood get together offering wine and cocktail snacks, in an effort to get to know my new neighbors. I got 15 rsvps that they would come. I was crazed getting enough food and wine. On the evening two couples showed up so 6 people instead of the expected 30. We don't drink much so those two couples went home with a ton of wine and food. I mean if you find someone objectionable how hard is it to find an excuse or just say you have something planned.

[angiefox10]

I'm sure any hostess would handle the situation mentioned by the OP with grace. However, that being said, it is rude to invite another person to a party of any kind if they were not invited. I didn't get from the original post this was about what a good hostess should do. I believe they were talking about what a good guest should do.

As the OP mentioned in their post there may be reasons for not inviting that person or more people. We have neighbors that just do not get along and to invite those couples to the same party would be very uncomfortable for them.

Or.... what if the hostess knows the person you are bringing and doesn't get along with them?

We also have hostesses who provide all the food, and wouldn't have enough food if more people were invited.

There was a party in our hood, that about 25 were invited and close to 50 showed up. Of course a hostess would handle it with grace. It turned out it was one person who invited all the extra guests and made it a free for all.

I don't know of any other place that this happens outside of The Villages. Did we leave our manners up north when we came here?

For those who suggested the hostess doesn't mind... Was she being a good hostess? Or does she really mind. See, you don't really know.... do you?

Good manners should tell you that you don't bring your guest to another person's party if they weren't invited.

[renielarson]

Ok, Kitty...I'm a little long winded but here is my part of the conversation...

Maybe I'm in the minority because I was raised in a farm family where we cooked way too much food for the people at our gatherings. I still cook way too much food and give leftovers to guests who volunteer to take extra food home.

With that being said, I welcome uninvited guests. Mi casa es su casa is my motto and all are welcome. I guess my mom taught me that because my friends, who dropped in unannounced at breakfast, lunch, or dinner, were always invited to join us at the table and there was never a shortage of food. My mom always said it was easy to throw another potato in the pot.

I like the idea of friends knowing I'm the type of person who welcomes all guests, even uninvited ones, into my home. Come in, keep your shoes on, sit back, put your feet up, relax, enjoy, and join in with us. You are always welcome and I can always find some food to conjure up for you!

Nevertheless, if we have been invited to someone else's home and have out of town company or other company at the time, I have always denied the invitation telling the hostess/host why. There has never been a time that I've not been told to bring my guests with me!

[jpflier]

I too agree that asking the host if you can bring someone puts the host in a precarious situation. They may not want to have additional guests for whatever reasons they may have. Perhaps they simply can't afford more people than those they had already invited; or perhaps it's a matter of available comfortable space for the expected number.

I once had a party and invited lots of guests, and a neighbor handled this same situation quite well. He brought over a gift a couple of days early that he was planning to give us at the party, and stated that he couldn't make it. When asked why he told me that he was having several friends and family staying with them for a few days. I told him that they were all more than welcome to join us, which they did, and they were wonderful and we had a great time. I was never put on the spot of having to tell him ok just to keep peace in the neighborhood.

[casita37]

There are two types of hosts.
1. I Couldn't care less who you bring.....the more the merrier.
2. I have planned and arranged and have everything perfectly set for MY guests.

Unless you know for a fact that your host is the first type, best to ask, or better yet....simply decline the invitation, with an explanation that you have a commitment to other people, and let the host invite them...or not.

My husband is a real softy when it comes to hurting feelings. Heck....he goes to a barber who does a terrible job because he doesn't want to hurt his feelings. He is always whispering to me....should we invite X and Y to Z's party? NO NO NO...It's not your place to do so.

[shcisamax]

Nevertheless, if we have been invited to someone else's home and have out of town company or other company at the time, I have always denied the invitation telling the hostess/host why. There has never been a time that I've not been told to bring my guests with me!

And THAT is the correct way to handle it. You have been offered an invitation and rather than put the hostess (who has a plan in mind) in a potentially awkward situation, you appropriately declined with an open ended reason giving the hostess the option to include or not the additional people where it does not make it uncomfortable.
Manners really ARE about just being considerate and thoughtful.

[graciegirl]

I'm sure any hostess would handle the situation mentioned by the OP with grace. However, that being said, it is rude to invite another person to a party of any kind if they were not invited. I didn't get from the original post this was about what a good hostess should do. I believe they were talking about what a good guest should do.

As the OP mentioned in their post there may be reasons for not inviting that person or more people. We have neighbors that just do not get along and to invite those couples to the same party would be very uncomfortable for them.

Or.... what if the hostess knows the person you are bringing and doesn't get along with them?

We also have hostesses who provide all the food, and wouldn't have enough food if more people were invited.

There was a party in our hood, that about 25 were invited and close to 50 showed up. Of course a hostess would handle it with grace. It turned out it was one person who invited all the extra guests and made it a free for all.

I don't know of any other place that this happens outside of The Villages. Did we leave our manners up north when we came here?

For those who suggested the hostess doesn't mind... Was she being a good hostess? Or does she really mind. See, you don't really know.... do you?

Good manners should tell you that you don't bring your guest to another person's party if they weren't invited.


We have done a lot of entertaining over time and I have had a lot of whoopsies. I think that not knowing how much to prepare is the cause of a lot of hostess anxiety. I usually choose to serve buffet style, even formal seated dinners with a certain exact amount expected. But I don't do that often. I usually make a couple of big cassaroles and ask guests to bring something to go with. That way they can take the leftovers home and it won't be wasted and there is always more than enough. I have places set at card tables and even in different rooms inside and out, so that if someone is not comfortable with someone else they can separate themselves and have a good time.

I think that fear of entertaining is wide spread but I was, like, Brightspot, shown how to do it by my family. Inviting people into your home and having them feel comfortable and enjoy food together is one of the greatest pleasures of life. There will always be a screw up or two, a faux pas or three, maybe some overdrinking, and some spilling. There will always be someone who doesn't know how to behave anywhere and that person is usually married to the sweetest and nicest person you could find.

The Villages presents new challenges with block parties and parties at rec centers and huge amounts of people crammed into small hot spaces.

We learn as we go along. I hope that all of you get invited to some nice holiday get togethers and have a couple at your home.

.

[kittygilchrist]

You,Kitty, are an excellent hostess. I have attended parties where the guest of honor did not show up and the hostess maintained her composure and all went like clockwork.

You never know what will happen next in a retirement community.

Hang on Sloopy.

ooh! thank you GG! I hosted again today...venturing into the Vegan world and discovering how my food processor works. Mercy, who knew you could slay a cucumber in 2 seconds?
Re the topic, I had invited a gentleman to come who was coaching me in vegetarian foods, and he presented objections to staying for lunch with my company coming for lunch from Gainesville. It was a charming defense against staying for the party when you were being used as a food coach.
OK, so this guy is Grace in a manskin.
Short story: we all had a chowdown great veggie lunch and the hostess, moi, couldn't stop saying that the food was simply delicious. Try tossing together dark chocolate, coconut and dark cherries sometime.