August Chuckles

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  #1  
Old 08-04-2007, 09:32 AM
KenMac KenMac is offline
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Default August Chuckles

GOLF

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer .
*
Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.
*
Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.
*
If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.
*
Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.
*
The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul it again."
*
A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ... neither of whom can putt very well.
*
An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.
*
Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green The next day you go out
and for no reason at all you really stink.
*
If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt", you might wish to reconsider this game.
*
Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.
*
Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work , and both are expensive.
*
The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.
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  #2  
Old 08-08-2007, 06:35 AM
KenMac KenMac is offline
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Default Re: August Chuckles

Florida Seniors:

:chillout:

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida
adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench.

After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"

He replies, "I lived here years ago."

"So, where were you all these years?"

"In prison," he says.

"Why did they put you in prison?"

He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife."

"Oh!" said the woman. "So you're single..."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A man was telling his neighbor in Sun City Center, "I just bought a new
hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.
It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


A little old man shuffled slowly into the "Orange Dipper", an ice cream
parlor in Leesburg, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "arthritis."

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  #3  
Old 08-08-2007, 10:39 AM
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Default Re: August Chuckles

Each year, the Washington Post's "Style Invitational" asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the 2001 winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of seduction.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an A-hole.
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  #4  
Old 08-08-2007, 10:50 AM
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Default Re: August Chuckles

I hope I recall this (SUPPOSEDLY TRUE) story correctly. It was on my old computer and crashed but was hilarious.

A young couple had moved into an apartment and the husband had no place to work on his motorcycle so he brought it through the sliding doors into the eat in kitchen area. In the midst of performing maintenance the bike falls over on him. He's suspected to have broken bones (someplace can't remember) so his wife calls 911 for paramedics. While the bike is on its side gasoline starts leaking all over the floor. She cleans up the gas with paper towels and throws the saturated towels in the toilet. The husband finally gains some of his composure and goes to the bathroom. He sits on the commode and lights a cigarette throwing the match between his legs. The wife heard an explosion only to find that her husband had been blown off the toilet. (It gets better) So the FD and MEDS arrive. The husband is placed carefully on a stretcher and in the process of taking him to the ambulance they asked his wife what had happened. She proceeds to tell them and the guys started laughing so hard they dropped him. He sustained a broken arm from this fall.

This may not be the exact scenario but it has to be close.

Steve
  #5  
Old 08-08-2007, 01:26 PM
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Default Re: August Chuckles

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back again...same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64. This actually happened in Austin at MoPac Boulevard and Parmer Lane .

They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.



I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one-get-one-free," she said, "so I guess they're both free" She handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.

They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.



One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"

They Walk Among Us!



While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"

When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that stuff."

They Walk Among Us!!



I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

They Walk Among Us!



My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

They Walk Among Us!



My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%.

Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

They Walk Among Us!



I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"

They Walk Among Us!



While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."

Yep, They Walk Among Us!



They Walk Among Us, AND they reproduce, and WORST OF ALL.....they VOTE!
Have A Great Day






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  #6  
Old 08-08-2007, 05:03 PM
villagera1 villagera1 is offline
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Default Re: August Chuckles


My husband keeps his Harley in the eat in kitchen. We have to take it out the french doors on to the lani (moving all the furniture to one side). Then we get the outside door open after going back and forth to get the harley in the right postion to take it out the door when we get it to the door we have to be VERY careful I don't pull him out to fast because he would land in the pool....but what a good ride we have.
  #7  
Old 08-09-2007, 10:24 AM
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Default Re: August Chuckles

7 reasons not to mess with children:

:yikes:

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, cause your feet ain't empty."

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: take only ONE . God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."


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  #8  
Old 08-09-2007, 11:06 AM
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Default Re: August Chuckles

Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up to the TV. The
10:00 PM news was now on. The news crew was covering a story of
a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Homer replied, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde said, "Well, I bet he won't."
Homer placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on."
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,the guy did a swan
dive off of the building, falling to his death.? The blonde was very
upset and handed $20 to Homer saying, "Fair"s fair, here's your money."
Homer replied, "I can't take your money,? I saw this earlier on the 5
o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I saw it too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Homer took the money.
  #9  
Old 08-09-2007, 11:31 AM
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Default Re: August Chuckles

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them.

Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them.

He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls.

To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy,

"Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight.

Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar
again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a
maraschino cherry on the bar.

He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.


"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.

"Since he **** that cue ball, he measures everything first!"
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them.

Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them.

He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls.

To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy,

"Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight.

Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar
again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a
maraschino cherry on the bar.

He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.


"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.

"Since he **** that cue ball, he measures everything first!"
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  #10  
Old 08-12-2007, 09:36 AM
REDCART REDCART is offline
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Default Re: August Chuckles

Famous sayings


Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself "Lillian, you
should have remained a virgin." -- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy
Carter)

I had a rose named after me, and I was very flattered. But I was not
pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed,
but fine against a wall." -- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that
statement. -- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
ending, and to have the two as close together as possible. -- George
Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea: Visit people only once a year. --
Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. --
Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if
you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- Groucho
Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she
stops to breathe. -- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. -- Zsa Zsa
Gabor


Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food
groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. -- Alex Levine


My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop
dying. -- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .. but it does bring you a more
pleasant form of misery. -- Spike Milligan

I am opposed to millionaires. .. but it would be dangerous to offer
me the position. -- Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. -- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time
for my nap.
-- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in
it. -- W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its
way through Congress. -- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. . as you grow older, it will
avoid you. -- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else
starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. -- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to
go anywhere. -- Billy Crystal

The cardiologist' s diet: If it tastes good, spit it out
  #11  
Old 08-16-2007, 07:57 PM
KenMac KenMac is offline
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Default Re: August Chuckles

Dog Pack Attacks Gator in Florida

At times nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and even a certain justice manifested within that cruelty.

The alligator, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally considered the 'apex predator,' can still fall victim to implemented 'team work' strategy, made possible due to the tight knit social structure and 'survival of the pack mentality' bred into the canines.

See the remarkable photograph below courtesy of Nature Magazine. Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the gator preventing it from breathing, while another dog has a hold on the tail to keep it from thrashing. The third dog attacks the soft underbelly of the gator.

Not for the squeamish! :yikes:

page down...



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The Villages Florida
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  #12  
Old 08-17-2007, 07:49 AM
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Default Re: August Chuckles

FORTUNE COOKIE

The next time you open a fortune cookie put "IN BED" at the end of whatever you just read. It'll really surprise you. Went to eat with neighbors one night and they told us this. It can be hilarious.

Steve
  #13  
Old 08-17-2007, 10:33 AM
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THOUGHTS


1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last thinks the slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

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