[jht]

A golfer is in competition with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to him, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.

Down to the final hole. The gofer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer, "my name is Father O'Malley."

[REDCART]

THE YEAR'S BEST [actual] HEADLINES OF 2007:

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

[The Great Fumar]

I didn't check Snopes or Hoaxbusters
to see if this actually works or if it's a scam or hoax.


'They' say:

If you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked,
you should drink some Windex first.

It'll keep you from streaking.


A very fast fumar ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[REDCART]

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf

[REDCART]

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas Bert always
wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale,
he buys them and wears them home. Walking proudly, he goes into the
kitchen and says to his wife "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looks him over "Nope".

Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks
back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again
he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging
down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down
again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,
MARGARET?"

"Nope", she replies.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!"

Margaret replies... "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Ya shoulda bought
a hat.".

[Donna]

I love that one...

[chuckinca]

The latest telephone poll taken by the California Governor's office
asked whether people who live in California think illegal immigration is
a serious problem:



29% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."


71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa."


(Some polls tend to answer themselves)

Originally Posted by gryoung

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas Bert always
wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale,
he buys them and wears them home. Walking proudly, he goes into the
kitchen and says to his wife "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looks him over "Nope".

Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks
back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again
he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging
down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down
again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,
MARGARET?"

"Nope", she replies.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!"

Margaret replies... "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Ya shoulda bought
a hat.".

Maybe, jokes like this one is why TOTV got labelled a "porn site" by some Latin American internet cafes. :joke:

That and some of Handie's pictures probably did not help. I mean like that bare-a** Handie Claus and the popularity of the "Sex in the Villages" thread.

[REDCART]

Subject: The Demographics of American Newspapers


1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the
country .

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the
country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run
the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the
country but don't really understand The New York Times. They do,
however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind
running the country -- if they could find the time -- and if they
didn't have to leave Southern California to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the
country and did a poor job of it , thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure
who's running the country and don't really care as long as they can
get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who is
running the country as long as they do something really scandalous,
preferably while intoxicated.

9. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another
country but need the baseball scores.

10. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure
if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they
oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if
the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also
happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy,
provided of course, that they are not Republicans.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the
grocery store.

12. The Oregonian is read by people who have recently caught a fish
and need something in which to wrap it.

[ejp52]

A woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Florida State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball." He replied " Florida State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car....... ;D

[REDCART]

UNANSWERED QUESTIONS

1) Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

2) If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

3) Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

4) If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

5) If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

6) Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

7) If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

8. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

9) If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?

10) Do Lipton Tea employees take "coffee breaks?"

11) What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

12) I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

13) Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

14) Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

15) If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

16) Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

[tony]

Why do they put an expiration date on sour cream?

[nONIE]

Actually, why dont they put an expiration date on sour p u s s e s !!!! 1rnfl

[Muncle]

For Villagers, snow is cold, wet, disgusting stuff that comes in the winter. Makes driving and walking terrible. With apologies to blondes, real or not:

One winter morning a husband and wife in northern Colorado were Listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your Car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must Park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows Can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very Upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the Snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are Married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just Leave it in the garage this time?"

[nONIE]

Muncle, Im sure glad Im not a blonde!! Good one 1rnfl