[Muncle]

[REDCART]

One night after a couple had retired for the night, the woman become aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time, the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed."

Why are you stopping?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote."

[REDCART]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress pretends not to notice and asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A ham burger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again, the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time ?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[another Linda]

Question:
Why do the give Viagra to old men in nursing homes?









Answer:
So they won't roll out of bed.

[chuckinca]

Subject: Golf


Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement
25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast. 'That's it,' he tells his
wife. I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad...once I've hit
the ball, I can't see where it went.'

His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says, 'Why don't you take my
brother with you, and give it one more try.'

'That's no good,' sighs Arthur. 'Your brother is a hundred and three.
He can't help.'

'He may be a hundred and three,' says the wife, 'but his eyesight is
perfect.'

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his
brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down
the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. 'Did you see the ball'?

'Of course I did!', says the brother-in-law. 'I have perfect eyesight.'

'Where did it go?', says Arthur.

'I can't remember.'

[REDCART]

WHY PARENTS DRINK

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the Worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,
Your Son,
John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card, that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

[REDCART]

Sad news from Mexico---- 2008 Olympics
Mexico Drops Out Of 2008 Summer Olympics

President Felipe Calderon of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the Beijing Summer Olympics.

He stated:
"Casi cada uno que puede funcionar, saltar, o la nadada ha salido ya del pams."

Translation:
"Pretty much everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country."

[REDCART]

Read the cake first:




Okay so this is how I imagine this conversation went:

Wal-Mart Employee: 'Hello 'dis Walmarts, how can I help you?'

Customer: 'Yes, I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week.'

Wal-Mart Employee: 'Whatchu want on the cake?'

Customer: 'Best Wishes Suzanne.' And underneath that 'We will miss you'.

Sad but true. This actually happened.

[another Linda]

George, you do make me laugh!

[nONIE]

GR,

That is unbelievable but sadly true. I wonder if the reciepant of that cake had to pay for it!! It should have been a freebee! 1rnfl

[REDCART]

Subject: Nurse story
A nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her
purse and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and
without missing a beat, she says:

"Well, that's great....that's just great....some *******'s got my pen!"

[DickY]

A Fairy Fable

A married couple, in their early 60s, was celebrating their 42nd
wedding anniversary at a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny beautiful Fairy appeared on their table.

She said: "For being such an exemplary married couple and
especially for being so thoughtful and loving to each other for
all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Oh, said the wife, I want to travel around the World with my
Darling husband"

The fairy waved her magic wand; and - poof! - two tickets for the
Queen Mary II luxury liner and Ten Thousand Dollars appeared in
her hands.
Then it was the husband's turn.

He thought for a minute and said: "Well, this is all very
romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. So
I'm going with my mind and not my Heart. "

"I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger
than me."

The wife and the Fairy were shocked and disappointed.

But a wish is a wish. So, the Fairy waved her magic wand, and -
Poof! - The husband became 92 years old.

The Moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful idiots should
remember; Fairies are females

[Casino]

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little
old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had
cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box,
but one day the little old woman got very sick and the
doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took
down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was
in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls
and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married,"
she said, " my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage
was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you,
I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two
precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll,
but what about all of this money?
Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."


A Prayer.......

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods;
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death, because I don't know how to crochet.

[JUREK]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?' Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he drug himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

To which he whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

[l2ridehd]

A Jewish Mother


Mrs. Katz comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner...who lives with a female roommate Maria...

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.

You don't suppose she took it, do you?'
Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure.'
So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Momma,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Momma which read:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love, Momma

Lesson: Never lie to your Momma...especially, if she's Jewish.