[Donna]

SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER:

I NOW HAVE TO:

1. scrub the top of every can I open.

2. I no longer have any savings because I gave it
to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in
the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

3. I no longer have any money at all, but that
will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill
Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.

4. I no longer worry about my soul because I
have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.
Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

5. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are
actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
feathers.

6. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even
though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day

7. I have learned that my prayers only get
answered if I forward an email to seven of my
friends and make a wish within five minutes.

8. I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.

9. I no longer can buy gasoline without taking
someone along to watch the car so a serial killer
won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

10. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr.. Pepper since
the people who make these products are atheists who
refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans .

11. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave
because it causes cancer.

12. I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my
face...disfiguring me for life.

13. I no longer check the coin return on pay
phones because I could be pricked with an infected
needle.

14. I no longer go to shopping malls because
someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob
me.

15. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx
since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

16. I no longer shop at Target since they are
French and don't support our American troops or the
Salvation Army.

17. I no longer answer the phone because someone
will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a
phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,
Singapore , and Uzbekistan

18. I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman
Marcus since I now have their recipe.

19. I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
big brown African spider is lurking under the seat
to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

20. I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the
parking lot because it probably was placed there by
a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my
leg..

21. I can no longer drive my car because I can't
buy gas from certain gas companies!

** If you don't send this e-mail to at least
144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove
with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM
this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will
infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.
I know this will occur because it actually happened
to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beautician...

Have a wonderful day

[nONIE]

Donna, you totally crack me up! Glad to see you back on line with your wonderful personality comming thru loud and clear!! ;D

[handieman]

:yikes:

YOU MEAN???

All those things aren't true??

Sigh, I'm so naive :redface:

Did I mention shy and innocent also?

Handie :joke:

[Barefoot]

I have personally received $10,000,000.00 from unexpected sources in the past month, just by forwarding Mother Teresa's prayers to my friends. And not one bird has pooped on my head. So I know it's working.

[another Linda]

Personally, I haven't gotten my $10M yet but I expect it very soon. I'm helping a former government official in Africa secure his country's national treasury.

[The Great Fumar]

Damn ,!! I'm so embarrassed.........

the red fumar

Originally Posted by Donna

SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER:

I NOW HAVE TO:

1. scrub the top of every can I open.

2. I no longer have any savings because I gave it
to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in
the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

3. I no longer have any money at all, but that
will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill
Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.

4. I no longer worry about my soul because I
have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.
Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

5. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are
actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
feathers.

6. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even
though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day

7. I have learned that my prayers only get
answered if I forward an email to seven of my
friends and make a wish within five minutes.

8. I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.

9. I no longer can buy gasoline without taking
someone along to watch the car so a serial killer
won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

10. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr.. Pepper since
the people who make these products are atheists who
refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans .

11. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave
because it causes cancer.

12. I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my
face...disfiguring me for life.

13. I no longer check the coin return on pay
phones because I could be pricked with an infected
needle.

14. I no longer go to shopping malls because
someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob
me.

15. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx
since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

16. I no longer shop at Target since they are
French and don't support our American troops or the
Salvation Army.

17. I no longer answer the phone because someone
will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a
phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,
Singapore , and Uzbekistan

18. I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman
Marcus since I now have their recipe.

19. I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
big brown African spider is lurking under the seat
to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

20. I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the
parking lot because it probably was placed there by
a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my
leg..

21. I can no longer drive my car because I can't
buy gas from certain gas companies!

** If you don't send this e-mail to at least
144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove
with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM
this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will
infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.
I know this will occur because it actually happened
to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beautician...

Have a wonderful day

Did you not invest all your money yet that you got from the Nigerian whose funds are all tied up because of some coup in some other African company?? And the fact that you could get them because you are a well-meaning American? Or, whatever the current e-mail says. I have not even opened any of these for quite some time.

[redwitch]

I'm still waiting for my monthly cheque from the British textiles company who needed a bookkeeper. (Little do they know that I don't have the funds in my checking account to cover the money orders I've received. Sure hope none of those MOs are counterfeit!)

[diskman]

but you forgot to include that your home could be consumed by a sink hole!