[skyguy79]

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried girl friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.....

My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, "You are the woman of my dreams. I love you." Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner Zorro?"

[kbyrne]

Way too funny!!!
Thamks!

[PaPaLarry]

NUNS
























TWO NUNS
There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical
(SM) , and the other one was known as Sister
Logical ( SL ) .

It is getting dark and they are still far away from
The convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following
us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes?
I wonder what he wants.

SL : It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15
minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL : The only logical thing to do of course is to
walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL : Of course it's not working. The man did the
only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will
reach us in one minute.

SL : The only logical thing we can do is split. You
go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow
us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical .

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell
me what happened!

SL : The only logical thing happened. The man
couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM : Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL : The only logical thing happened. I started to
run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as
he could.

SM : And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.


SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run
faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

I'll pray for you!

[swimdawg]

Originally Posted by skyguy79

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried girl friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.....

My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, "You are the woman of my dreams. I love you." Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner Zorro?"

Sky.....love your sense of humor!!

[CFrance]

Originally Posted by skyguy79

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried girl friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.....

My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, "You are the woman of my dreams. I love you." Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner Zorro?"

[skyguy79]

A fellow decided to take a bicycle ride from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He rode the first hour or so, and then got very tired, as the ride is mostly uphill. So he decided to hitchhike.

For about a half an hour no one came, then a corvette stopped and offered a ride. The biker looked at the car and said I can fit in the car, but what about my bike? The driver said no problem, I have a rope in the trunk and I will tie one end on the bumper and the other end on the bike and I will pull you. I will go kind of slow and if I get going too fast just honk your horn and I will slow down.

So they took off and every thing was fine until another corvette just flew past them. Not to be out done, the driver stepped on the gas to catch him.

Well, they drove through a speed trap. The first police officer radioed the second and said, "You have two corvettes coming at you doing about 120 MPH, and you won't believe this, but there is a guy on a bicycle behind them honking to pass."

[memason]

Two 80-year-old men had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Frank was dying, Joe visited him every day.

One day Joe said, "Frank, we both loved playing golf all our lives, and we
started playing soon after high school.

Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's golf there."

Frank looked up at Joe from his deathbed and said, "Joe, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, Frank died.

A few weeks later, Joe was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Joe, Joe ."

"Who is it," asked Joe, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Joe -- it's me, Frank"

"You're not Frank . Frank just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Frank," insisted the voice.

"Frank, Where are you?"


"In heaven," replied Frank. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."


"Tell me the good news first," said Joe.


"The good news," Frank said with joy and enthusiasm, "is that there is golf in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here too. Even better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always Summertime and it never rains.


And best of all, we can play golf all we want, and we never get tired. And we get to play with all the Greats of the past.”


"That's fantastic," said Joe "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"


"You're in my foursome this Saturday!!"

[Diva Kay]

When I do my tax returns this year, I am going to list the Government as one of my dependents. lol

[skyguy79]

Two buddies are fishing, but they haven't caught anything all day. Then, another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him "excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?" The other fisherman replies, "If you just go down the steam until the water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish." They thank him and go on their way.

15 minutes later, one fisherman says to the other "fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty." He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. Still salty."

30 minutes later, he asks him to check again. "Nope, still salty."

One our later they check again. "Nope. Still salty." "This isn't good," the fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!" "I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!"

[Nlnicholson]

Q: What is the last thing each Tickle Me Elmo doll receives before he
leaves the factory?
A: Two Test Tickles

[swimdawg]

Originally Posted by Nlnicholson

Q: What is the last thing each Tickle Me Elmo doll receives before he
leaves the factory?
A: Two Test Tickles

Keep up the good work....you all are doing great!!!

Who doesn't need a good laugh?

Thanks to all who contribute.

Karen

[Nlnicholson]

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench.
All of a sudden a man walks up and flashes them.
One of the ladies had a stroke,
the other, couldn't quite reach.

[skyguy79]

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.

Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "My God, I was riding the mare!"

[swimdawg]

........but I am a good joke listener. Ask Mark-O! That's why I love this thread. I can laugh and enjoy all YOUR jokes!

But I'm going to give joke telling a try. I heard it at the pool yesterday.

An old codger sees his doc for a check up. Next thing ya know, he's walking down the street with a hot babe and a HUGE smile on his face.

He goes back to his doctor and the doc wants to know how he's doing. He tells his doc he's so happy and enjoying his medical advice. What medical advice?, the doc asks. "Well doc, you told me to get a hot momma and be carefree" The doctor looks at him......and says, "NO! I told you you've got a heart murmur and be careful".

See what I mean? I just cannot tell a joke. You guys take over!!!

[Cisco Kid]

A pushy DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.

"See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish . . . on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life, chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull . . .

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs . . . . .

"Your badge. Show him your BADGE!"