[skyguy79]

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of breaking wind loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts. A malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well you always told me that one day I would end up blowing my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."

[Nlnicholson]

A man boarded a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to, of all people a beautiful blonde. The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

[Nlnicholson]

Some of the artists of the '60s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:

Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend a Broken Hip

Bobby Darin - Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash

Ringo Starr - I Get By With a Little Help from Depends

Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now

Paul Simon - Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom

Marvin Gaye - I Heard it Through the Grape Nuts

Procol Harem - A Whiter Shade of Hair

Leo Sayer -You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations - Papa's Got a Kidney Stone

Abba - Denture Queen

Tony Orlando - Knock 3 Times on the Ceiling if you Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy - I am Woman, Hear me Snore

Willie Nelson - On the Throne Again

Leslie Gore - It's My Procedure and I'll Cry if I Want To

[CFrance]

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol . . .. . . . Dead .
The second worm in cigarette smoke . . .Dead .
Third worm in chocolate syrup .. . . . Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil . . .Alive …

So the Minister asked the congregation,
"What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine, sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .
"If you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

[CFrance]

I'm passing this on because it worked for me today. A doctor on television
said that in order to have inner peace in our lives, we should always
finish things that we start. Since we all could use more calm in our
lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't
finished. I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a
bodle of Baileys, a cais of Bud, a butle of wum, tha mainder of
Valiuminun scrptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I
feel rite now. Sned this to all ur frenz who need inner pis*. An telum u
luvum.

[skyguy79]

Originally Posted by CFrance

I'm passing this on because it worked for me today. A doctor on television
said that in order to have inner peace in our lives, we should always
finish things that we start. Since we all could use more calm in our
lives, I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't
finished. I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a
bodle of Baileys, a cais of Bud, a butle of wum, tha mainder of
Valiuminun scrptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I
feel rite now. Sned this to all ur frenz who need inner pis*. An telum u
luvum.

Sanks fur pazzeng dat on. Eet woorced fur metou!!!

[skyguy79]

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top half.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says... "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style, it makes your nose look too short!"

[Diva Kay]

So I was sitting on the front porch with my man Ed who was drinking beer. All of a sudden he said "I love you". I said "Is that you or the beer talking?" He said "I was talking to the beer". lol

[Cisco Kid]

I'm addicted to my iPad, Nexus, and Kindle Fire. But I've started to just use my iPad.

I'm down to one tablet a day now.

[Nlnicholson]

It was a sunny Sunday morning, and Murray was beginning his preshot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. "Would the gentleman on the ladies' tee please back up to the men's tee."

Murray remained in his routine, seemingly unfazed by the interruption.

A little louder: "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up to the men's tee!"

Murray raised up out of his stance, lowered his driver, and shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?"

[elizabeth52]

Originally Posted by Cisco Kid

I'm addicted to my iPad, Nexus, and Kindle Fire. But I've started to just use my iPad.

I'm down to one tablet a day now.

Very cute!

[skyguy79]

A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Walmart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir..... can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...... It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it." He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her... being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"

[Cisco Kid]

My memory is gone, so I changed my password
to “Incorrect.” That way when I log in with the wrong password,
the computer will tell me… “Your password is incorrect

[skyguy79]

Mike walks into Charlie's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor.

Mike says, "Charlie, what ya doing?"

Charlie says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

[mrsanborn]

Funny Hot-Dog Commercial - YouTube