[Polar Bear]

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Florida and the other to Colorado. They agree to meet every ten years to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why Hooters?"

"They have those broads with the big racks, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs."

"You're on."

At age 42, they meet and play golf again.

"Where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Again? Why?"

"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."

"OK."

At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters.

"Why?"

"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."

"OK."

At age 62 they meet again.

After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."

"Good choice"

At age 72 they meet again.

Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts."

"Great choice."

At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Because we've never been there before."

"Okay."

[Barefoot]

Yesterday I got my permit to carry a concealed weapon.
So, today I went over to the local Gun shop to get a 9mm handgun for home/personal protection.

When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the government about gun control wackos running amok,
I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided,
I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!

As a senior citizen, I do not get flustered often, but this time it took me a while to get my pants back on.

I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to seniors a little more clear.

I still don't think I looked that bad! I just need to wear underwear more often.

[BK001]

HaHa -- Terrific!

[ColdNoMore]

[ColdNoMore]

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.







I'll let you know.

[Polar Bear]

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day,Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Russ!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said,' For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'.
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffeeshop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud, that when I got into court, I plead 'guilty'

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.’

[gqd7806]

Lol

[BK001]

Originally Posted by Polar Bear

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day,Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Russ!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said,' For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'.
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffeeshop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud, that when I got into court, I plead 'guilty'

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.’

Quite a new one for me -- TERRIFIC -- Definitely will become part of my joke repertoire.

[DeanFL]

THE FIRST MESSAGE



Hey Bill ---- This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much... I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you. Regards, Alan.



THE ACTION



Bill, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor Alan dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he has a subsequent message from his neighbor.



THE SECOND MESSAGE



Hey Bill --- This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I know you've figured it out anyway, but I’m sure you noticed that my auto-correct changed ‘WiFi’ To ‘Wife’. Technology hey?!? Hope you saw the funny side of that. Regards, Alan.

[DeanFL]

In Catholic schools, students are taught that lying is a sin. Instructors are also advised that a bit of imagination is OK to express the truth differently without lying. This is a perfect example of this teaching:

Getting a hairdryer through customs

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor of you?"

"Of course child. What can I do for you?"

"I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened, but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Could you possibly hide it under your robes for me?"
"I would love to help you my dear; but, I must warn you, I will not lie!"


"With your honest face, Father, I'm sure no one will question you!"
When they got to customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."



The official thought this answer a little strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist down to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument that has been designed for use on women, but which, to date, remains unused."


Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next, please!"

[BK001]

Good one!

[Taltarzac725]

Originally Posted by DeanFL

In Catholic schools, students are taught that lying is a sin. Instructors are also advised that a bit of imagination is OK to express the truth differently without lying. This is a perfect example of this teaching:

Getting a hairdryer through customs

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor of you?"

"Of course child. What can I do for you?"

"I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened, but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Could you possibly hide it under your robes for me?"
"I would love to help you my dear; but, I must warn you, I will not lie!"


"With your honest face, Father, I'm sure no one will question you!"
When they got to customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."



The official thought this answer a little strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist down to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument that has been designed for use on women, but which, to date, remains unused."


Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next, please!"

Now that is a good one.

[ColdNoMore]

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought... He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.







- She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready...and four to go."

[ColdNoMore]

Last year, I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy efficient kind. But this week, I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy, oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year.

He said that in one year, the windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up, and he hasn't called back.



Guess he was embarrassed.

[ColdNoMore]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "crushed nuts?"







"No," he replied........"Arthritis."