[ColdNoMore]

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.

Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository?"

She pulled it out and stared at it.

Then she said..."Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing."




"Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

[ColdNoMore]

Noisy cruises?

[BK001]

Originally Posted by ColdNoMore

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "crushed nuts?"


"No," he replied........"Arthritis."

That's funny!

[DanfromNC]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.” “Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.”
Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?”
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A
lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really send me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays.

[ColdNoMore]

Originally Posted by DanfromNC

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.” “Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.”
Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?”
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A
lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really send me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays.

......

[ColdNoMore]

This one hit my funny bone.

[Tom C]

I may use this as my new closing:

60 may be the new 40, but 9 PM is the new Midnight

[ColdNoMore]

Originally Posted by Tom C

I may use this as my new closing:

60 may be the new 40, but 9 PM is the new Midnight:1rotfl:

Due to advanced age, those "rolling the rugs up"...start at 8:00PM.

[Ecuadog]

A hooded robber burst into a Wisconsin bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Wisconsin customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.
The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak

Then, one old Norwegian named Ole from Wisconsin tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."

[BK001]

Haha -- Now that's a good one.

[Taltarzac725]

Originally Posted by Ecuadog

A hooded robber burst into a Wisconsin bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Wisconsin customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.
The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak

Then, one old Norwegian named Ole from Wisconsin tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."

And Ole joke. I heard an awful lot of those up in Minnesota or from people who lived in MN or WI.

[ColdNoMore]

A Doctor while examining an old retired Army vet, "when was the last time you had sex?"

With a long pause the vet replies."1955 I believe"

Doctor: "Whoa! Its been a long while then?"





Vet: "Umm, I don't know...isn't it only 20:15 right now?

[ColdNoMore]

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you.”

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.

His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash.






“Oh, that old fool,” she exclaimed. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”

[Tom C]

I was eating breakfast with my teenage granddaughter and I asked her,
"What special day is it tomorrow?".

Without skipping a beat she said, "It's U.S. Congressman's Day!"

She's smart, so I asked her "What does that mean?".

I was not ready for what she was about to say.

She replied, "U.S. Congressman's Day is when they step out of the Capital Building and see their shadow, then we have 4 more years of Bull ****."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out of your nose.

[Taltarzac725]

Originally Posted by Tom C

I was eating breakfast with my teenage granddaughter and I asked her,
"What special day is it tomorrow?".

Without skipping a beat she said, "It's U.S. Congressman's Day!"

She's smart, so I asked her "What does that mean?".

I was not ready for what she was about to say.

She replied, "U.S. Congressman's Day is when they step out of the Capital Building and see their shadow, then we have 4 more years of Bull ****."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out of your nose.

I guess we have to wish for a very rainy day when that happens.