[ColdNoMore]

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"

The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"

The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?"

The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made an appointment with the stewardess for the next three nights - in a 5 Star hotel, which is paid for by my employer. "


The moral of the story is:

When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great.

But as you get older and wiser, comfort and peace are not to be despised either.

This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older, Smarter.

Dedicated to all my friends who like me...likes the S.O.S. approach! ✈️

[jebartle]

Funny funny, oh sorry, that was a mortgage claim ad, giggle snort!!!!! Hahahahaha!

[ColdNoMore]

Two old women in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, "How do you really feel? I mean, you’re 80 years old, how do you honestly feel?"

"Honestly, I feel like a new born baby."





"I’ve got no hair, no teeth, and I just wet myself."

[Tom C]

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

[dewilson58]

Originally Posted by Tom C

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

[CFrance]

Good one!

[Midnight Cowgirl]

Originally Posted by Tom C

“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

Love the ending. I wasn't expecting that!

[BK001]

MONA LISA'S MOTHER: After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?

HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? No!

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew.

COLUMBUS'S MOTHER: I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You could have written.

BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: Babe, how many times have I told you: quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week.

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?

MARY'S MOTHER: I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you.

BATMAN'S MOTHER: It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realise how much the insurance is going to be?

GOLDILOCKS'S MOTHER: I've got a bill here for a broken chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?

LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room there'll be a lot more spiders around here.

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!

JONAH'S MOTHER: That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days.

SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!

[mills3186]

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Call him whatever you want but he's not gonna come!

[Rapscallion St Croix]

[Tom C]

Ten (10) Things I know about you.
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it. You are an idiot!
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5!!
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun-loving person, and everyone does it too.
10) You do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.

[Bjeanj]

Well, thank goodness. I am normal! Just did exactly what you said.

:-)

[Tom C]

The 2.99 Special

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.

'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

'Yes,' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!

We've been around the block more than once.

[Barefoot]

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!"

The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY”.

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter . . . . .

..."Well, ****, that explains why no one was at church either.”

[BK001]

Originally Posted by Barefoot

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!"

The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY”.

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter . . . . .

..."Well, ****, that explains why no one was at church either.”

Good one, Bare