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-   -   The Joke Thread (https://www.talkofthevillages.com/forums/just-fun-109/joke-thread-259747/)

ColdNoMore 05-31-2018 09:02 PM

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets." "We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce."

"My husband does."





"He said he can't communicate with me!"


:1rotfl:

Barefoot 05-31-2018 11:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ColdNoMore (Post 1547781)
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.

Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.


“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.”

:girlneener:

ColdNoMore 06-03-2018 06:13 AM

And one for the ladies... :D


Lisa needs brain surgery and figures its easier to buy a new brain.

She asks the doctor what he has on sale.

"Well you're in luck I have two in stock, a man's brain for $1000, and a woman's for $100."

Surprised she asks why the price difference?




"Generally women brains run cheaper...because they come to us used!"

ColdNoMore 06-05-2018 05:47 AM

When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work...so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.

ColdNoMore 06-07-2018 07:43 AM

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away.

As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies.

They have another funeral for her.

At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.






As they are walking, the husband cries out,
"Watch out for the wall!"

:throwtomatoes:

dewilson58 06-07-2018 08:24 AM

:BigApplause:

ColdNoMore 06-08-2018 06:12 AM

Q: Have you heard they found a dead guy...with his head buried in his cornflakes?



A: The police believe it was a cereal killer.

tomwed 06-08-2018 07:31 AM

[an old favorite of mine]
A woman is being sentenced for steeling a jar of pickles. The judge says "I'm giving you 7 weeks. One for each pickle in the jar."
From the gallery her husband speaks up. "She stole a can of peas too."

Taltarzac725 06-08-2018 08:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tomwed (Post 1551355)
[an old favorite of mine]
A woman is being sentenced for steeling a jar of pickles. The judge says "I'm giving you 7 weeks. One for each pickle in the jar."
From the gallery her husband speaks up. "She stole a can of peas too."

"Take my wife, please." Take My Wife, Please! | Psychology Today

tomwed 06-08-2018 09:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Taltarzac725 (Post 1551374)

I just remembered I got it wrong----look it up----the husband is on trial.

either way---the first time i heard the joke i didn't see it coming--that's what makes me laugh


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