[BK001]

Originally Posted by CFrance

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins."shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculate and says,
"I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculate rolls down her window and shouts, "Pi$$ off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off." She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks,"Did that sound cross enough?"

I'm dying!!!!

[ColdNoMore]

- I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.

- Before I tell my wife something important, I take both her hands in mine. That way she can't hit me with them.

- My husband is on the roof - only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.

- My wife made me a green hamburger today to celebrate St Patricks Day. I asked her how she colored it and she said she didn't know what I was talking about.

- I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She was so mad...she still isn't talking to me.

- I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me "Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace" So I bought her nothing.

- A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

- My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

- My wife is going to qualify for free shipping no matter how much it costs.




And drum-roll please....

- Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble...but shouldn't that be an even number?

[BK001]

A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"Hello, sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

[CFrance]

Originally Posted by BK001

A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"Hello, sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

Bwahaha!

[jblum315]

Originally Posted by Millerw1946

A very protective farmer had three teenage daughters who had never been allowed to date. The three daughters were really bugging the farmer until he finally gave in. He allowed them to date on one condition, that their date had to come to the door and the farmer would greet them and approve of their choice. And so it happened. Coincidently, all three daughters had a date on the same night. The first guy shows up and knocks on the door. The farmer grabs his shotgun and goes to the door. "Hi, I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?". The farmer looks him over figure he's ok and lets her go. He returns inside until anther knock at the door. He grabs his shotgun and approaches the door. "Hi, I'm Eddy, I'm here for Betty, we're going for some spaghetti, is she ready?". The farmer looks him over and figure he's ok and lets her go. He returns inside until anther knock at the door. He grabs his shotgun and approaches the door. "Hi, I'm Chuck." The farmer shot him.

Well. Luck,buck, truck, muck, suck, Duck, yuck

Originally Posted by Millerw1946

A very protective farmer had three teenage daughters who had never been allowed to date. The three daughters were really bugging the farmer until he finally gave in. He allowed them to date on one condition, that their date had to come to the door and the farmer would greet them and approve of their choice. And so it happened. Coincidently, all three daughters had a date on the same night. The first guy shows up and knocks on the door. The farmer grabs his shotgun and goes to the door. "Hi, I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?". The farmer looks him over figure he's ok and lets her go. He returns inside until anther knock at the door. He grabs his shotgun and approaches the door. "Hi, I'm Eddy, I'm here for Betty, we're going for some spaghetti, is she ready?". The farmer looks him over and figure he's ok and lets her go. He returns inside until anther knock at the door. He grabs his shotgun and approaches the door. "Hi, I'm Chuck." The farmer shot him.

Well, he might have said duck, luck, muck, puck, suck, or truck

[ColdNoMore]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"









The interviewer replies, "Yeah, of course...but you started it."

[dewilson58]

HOMESICK SNOWBIRD


At The Villages in Florida last week, there was a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:
"I miss Chicago ."

Someone broke the windows, stole the radio, shot out all four tires, added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read:
"Hope this helps"

[BK001]

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.


I’ll let you know.

[BK001]

I was visiting my Daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

“This is the 21t Century” she said. “We don’t waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.”


I can tell you this … that fly never knew what hit him!

[CFrance]

Originally Posted by dewilson58

HOMESICK SNOWBIRD


At The Villages in Florida last week, there was a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:
"I miss Chicago ."

Someone broke the windows, stole the radio, shot out all four tires, added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read:
"Hope this helps"

That's hilarious.

[CFrance]

Originally Posted by BK001

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.


I’ll let you know.

Let us know.

[Barefoot]

Originally Posted by BK001

A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"Hello, sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

[Tom C]

This blonde is driving down the road, speeding, and gets pulled over by another blonde, a cop. The cop says let me see your license.

The blonde looks in her purse for awhile then says what does it look like? The blonde cop says, its the thing with your picture on it.

The blonde looks through her purse again, finds her compact, opens it and thinks, it must be this and hands it to the cop. The cop looks at it and says, we could have saved a lot of trouble if you told me you were a cop in the first place!!

[dewilson58]

Originally Posted by BK001

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.


I’ll let you know.

Which came first................the chicken or the egg ????

[graciegirl]

Originally Posted by dewilson58

Which came first................the chicken or the egg ????

I'm sayin' Katz.