The Joke Thread

Closed Thread
Thread Tools
  #346  
Old 07-07-2019, 12:15 PM
BK001's Avatar
BK001 BK001 is offline
Platinum member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Bay Ridge Brooklyn, NY, The Village of Lynnhaven
Posts: 1,870
Thanks: 83
Thanked 257 Times in 161 Posts
Default

I was having trouble with my computer so I called my 13-year old son to help me.

He clicked a couple of buttons and fixed it. As he was walking back to his room I asked him what the problem was.

He said: "It was in ID ten-t" issue. Not wanting to sound stupid but curious in case I had the same problem again, I asked him what an Id-Ten t was.

"Write it down," he said. So I did.


IDIOT. (He never was my favorite child.)
__________________
A great attitude is a choice, not a disposition
  #347  
Old 07-07-2019, 05:16 PM
BK001's Avatar
BK001 BK001 is offline
Platinum member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Bay Ridge Brooklyn, NY, The Village of Lynnhaven
Posts: 1,870
Thanks: 83
Thanked 257 Times in 161 Posts
Default

I was at a bar the other night and overheard 3 very hefty women talking. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I asked, “Hello, ladies are you lassies from Scotland?”

One of them angrily screeched, “It’s Wales you bloody idiot, Wales!”

So I apologized and replied, “I am so sorry. So are you three whales from Scotland?” And that’s the last thing I remember.
__________________
A great attitude is a choice, not a disposition
  #348  
Old 07-07-2019, 06:03 PM
ColdNoMore ColdNoMore is offline
Sage
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Between 466 & 466A
Posts: 10,509
Thanks: 82
Thanked 1,507 Times in 677 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BK001 View Post
I was having trouble with my computer so I called my 13-year old son to help me.

He clicked a couple of buttons and fixed it. As he was walking back to his room I asked him what the problem was.

He said: "It was in ID ten-t" issue. Not wanting to sound stupid but curious in case I had the same problem again, I asked him what an Id-Ten t was.

"Write it down," he said. So I did.


IDIOT. (He never was my favorite child.)
I can see that...from my kids.
  #349  
Old 07-15-2019, 01:36 PM
Ann Marie Acacio Ann Marie Acacio is offline
Junior Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 22
Thanks: 2
Thanked 6 Times in 5 Posts
Default

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Tom was driving home from a business trip in Northern Arizona when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the man got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Tom tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Tom.

'What in bag?' asked the old man. Tom looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.'

The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said:
'Good trade.....'
  #350  
Old 07-15-2019, 03:21 PM
Polar Bear Polar Bear is offline
Sage
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 4,682
Thanks: 222
Thanked 956 Times in 385 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ann Marie Acacio View Post
...
'Good trade.....'
That’s not the slightest bit funny!!!

(My wife reads this thread. )
  #351  
Old 07-15-2019, 03:41 PM
ColdNoMore ColdNoMore is offline
Sage
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Between 466 & 466A
Posts: 10,509
Thanks: 82
Thanked 1,507 Times in 677 Posts
Talking Ain't it the truth?!

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?



Rename the mail folder..."Instruction Manuals."
  #352  
Old 07-15-2019, 04:18 PM
jebartle's Avatar
jebartle jebartle is online now
Sage
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: LaZamora Village
Posts: 4,801
Thanks: 210
Thanked 1,163 Times in 436 Posts
Default

Is the sponsored link a joke, sorry!
  #353  
Old 07-15-2019, 04:40 PM
CFrance's Avatar
CFrance CFrance is offline
Sage
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Tamarind Grove/Monpazier, France
Posts: 14,480
Thanks: 388
Thanked 1,922 Times in 783 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ColdNoMore View Post
I can see that...from my kids.
I had a friend whose son worked IT for a large corporation. They had an answer for the question What was the problem? "PIC"--Person In Chair.
__________________
It's harder to hate close up.
  #354  
Old 07-18-2019, 02:43 PM
Barefoot's Avatar
Barefoot Barefoot is offline
Sage
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Winters in TV, Summers in Canada.
Posts: 17,669
Thanks: 1,694
Thanked 243 Times in 184 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ann Marie Acacio View Post
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Tom was driving home from a business trip in Northern Arizona when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the man got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Tom tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Tom.

'What in bag?' asked the old man. Tom looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.'

The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said:
'Good trade.....'
__________________
Barefoot At Last
No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
Saving one dog will not change the world, but surely for that one dog, the world will change forever.
  #355  
Old 07-19-2019, 12:14 PM
Velvet's Avatar
Velvet Velvet is offline
Sage
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 4,994
Thanks: 1,043
Thanked 3,952 Times in 1,706 Posts
Default

Understanding engineers -

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
  #356  
Old 07-19-2019, 03:14 PM
ColdNoMore ColdNoMore is offline
Sage
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Between 466 & 466A
Posts: 10,509
Thanks: 82
Thanked 1,507 Times in 677 Posts
Default

Ain't it the truth!
Attached Thumbnails
The Villages Florida: Click image for larger version

Name:	Floridian Fear.jpg
Views:	209
Size:	30.2 KB
ID:	80229  
  #357  
Old 07-19-2019, 03:31 PM
Polar Bear Polar Bear is offline
Sage
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 4,682
Thanks: 222
Thanked 956 Times in 385 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Velvet View Post
Understanding engineers -

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Hey! I resemble that remark!!
  #358  
Old 07-19-2019, 03:35 PM
CWGUY CWGUY is offline
Sage
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,879
Thanks: 4,279
Thanked 1,661 Times in 727 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ColdNoMore View Post
Ain't it the truth!
The missing 2% must be math!
  #359  
Old 07-26-2019, 03:59 PM
ColdNoMore ColdNoMore is offline
Sage
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Between 466 & 466A
Posts: 10,509
Thanks: 82
Thanked 1,507 Times in 677 Posts
Default

NOPE...JUST NOPE! ...


  #360  
Old 07-27-2019, 02:11 PM
Barefoot's Avatar
Barefoot Barefoot is offline
Sage
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Winters in TV, Summers in Canada.
Posts: 17,669
Thanks: 1,694
Thanked 243 Times in 184 Posts
Default

I haven't read all the jokes on this thread, forgive me if this has already been posted.
And please also forgive me if it offends anyone, but I couldn't resist.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All arrivals in heaven have to go through an examination to determine if admission will be granted.

One room has a clerk who inputs records of what each applicant did on their last day of life. The first day’s applicant explains that his last day was not good.

"I came home early and found my wife naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and the shower was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.

I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was angry and bashed his fingers with a flower pot.
He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by an awning.
Seeing him still alive, I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him.
At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.”

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst.
"I was on an apartment building roof working on AC equipment.
I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building.
I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment, but some idiot came rushing out and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell, but landed on an awning and survived. But, as I looked up, I saw a huge chest falling toward me.
I was hit and killed by the chest.”

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room. He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters.
The clerk apologizes and says, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows who arrived here just before you.”

"I don't know," replies the man.

"Picture this. I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest and.......
__________________
Barefoot At Last
No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
Saving one dog will not change the world, but surely for that one dog, the world will change forever.

Last edited by Barefoot; 07-27-2019 at 02:16 PM.
Closed Thread

Tags
stewart, thread, time, didn’t, son

Thread Tools

You are viewing a new design of the TOTV site. Click here to revert to the old version.

All times are GMT -5. The time now is 02:21 PM.