[BK001]

A totally new one for me -- very good. We seem to have the same "perverted" sense of humor (intended to be a compliment!) LOL

[Barefoot]

Originally Posted by BK001

A totally new one for me -- very good. We seem to have the same "perverted" sense of humor.

Yes, we do have the same sense of humor; I always laugh at your jokes.

[Polar Bear]

Originally Posted by BK001

A totally new one for me -- very good. We seem to have the same "perverted" sense of humor (intended to be a compliment!) LOL

Add me to the list!

[BK001]

The United Way of Lady Lake realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, ' did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and four children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So... if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?

[Barefoot]

Originally Posted by BK001

The United Way of Lady Lake realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, ' did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and four children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So... if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?

[Taltarzac725]

Originally Posted by BK001

The United Way of Lady Lake realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, ' did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and four children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So... if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?

Well to be honest I do not know any lawyers who fit that bill.

[Polar Bear]

Originally Posted by Taltarzac725

Well to be honest I do not know any lawyers who fit that bill.

They’re lawyers, Tal. This sort of joke comes with the territory!

[Taltarzac725]

Originally Posted by Polar Bear

They’re lawyers, Tal. This sort of joke comes with the territory!

I did hear an awful lot of lawyer jokes in law school. And I went to BYU Law School for ten days in 1982. Dropped out to get a MA at the U of Denver where I also looked into getting a dual Law/Librarianship program in 1984. Got a job where they indexed Legal Resource Index in Belmont, CA. I was in with the Business Area Databank indexers. Then returned to law school but in Minneapolis at the U of MN. 1986-1989. Class of 1989. Then worked in the law library there for another two years or so.

Lawyer jokes were a past time often at law school. And I lived in a HUGE dorm my 2nd and 3rd year of law school. Lots of lawyer jokes around the dorm.

Links for lawyer jokes-- Lawyer Jokes - The Good, the Bad and the Dirty

World's best (and worst) lawyer jokes - Lawyers Weekly

Really like this one--

Q: What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?
A: Taller.

[Barefoot]

An Old Golfer Speaks out:

We had a power outage at our house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my mobile phone battery was dead and, to top it off, it was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a couple of hours.

She seems like a nice person.

[BK001]

Jim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the
honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes. His wife was standing there watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are
married I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."
Jim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

“For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

“I wasn't!”

[ColdNoMore]

Originally Posted by BK001

Jim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the
honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes. His wife was standing there watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are
married I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."
Jim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

“For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

“I wasn't!”

I joined the gym and asked my trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He retorted... “The ATM machine."


Son-of-a-gun...it worked!

[Midnight Cowgirl]

Originally Posted by ColdNoMore

I joined the gym and asked my trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He retorted... “The ATM machine."


Son-of-a-gun...it worked!

You have just proven to me that a picture's worth a thousand words.

Fortunately, I'm speechless!

[BK001]

Originally Posted by ColdNoMore

I joined the gym and asked my trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He retorted... “The ATM machine."


Son-of-a-gun...it worked!

HaHa -- So true! Good one.

[Barefoot]

John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy Shawn, so they loaded up John’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible downpour, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

“ I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained, “and I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“ Don’t worry.” John said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”

The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared so they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, “Shawn, do you remember that good looking widow on the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?”

“ Yes, I do,” said Shawn. “ Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house, and pay her a visit?” “ Well, um, yes,” Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out.

“I have to admit that I did.” “ And did you happen to give her my name and address instead of telling her your name?”

Shawn’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy.

I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”

“She just died and left me everything.”

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

You thought the ending would be different, didn’t you?

[ColdNoMore]

Awesome Barefoot!