The Joke Thread

Closed Thread
Thread Tools
  #391  
Old 09-07-2019, 01:36 PM
Barefoot's Avatar
Barefoot Barefoot is offline
Sage
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Winters in TV, Summers in Canada.
Posts: 17,669
Thanks: 1,694
Thanked 243 Times in 184 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by BK001 View Post
Three men find themselves at a beach-side resort in the Caribbean...
... and they soon begin to discuss their lives and how they came to be there.

The first man says, "I use to run a successful business in the Mid West. One day unfortunately there was a huge fire and my entire warehouse burned to the ground. I collected the insurance on it and decided to move here."

The other two nod, slightly sympathetically.

The second man says, "Similar story here. I used to run a jewelry store back in LA, but unfortunately one night there was a massive break in. I collected the insurance that I had on the jewelry and moved down here to settle."

They look at the third guy. He says, "I used to run a small fishing business on the East Coast. Last year unfortunately the entire thing was ruined by a hurricane. I collected my insurance and moved here."

The first two guys look at each other for a minute. Finally, one says, "How do you start a hurricane?"
__________________
Barefoot At Last
No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
Saving one dog will not change the world, but surely for that one dog, the world will change forever.
  #392  
Old 09-07-2019, 01:38 PM
Barefoot's Avatar
Barefoot Barefoot is offline
Sage
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Winters in TV, Summers in Canada.
Posts: 17,669
Thanks: 1,694
Thanked 243 Times in 184 Posts
Talking

Quote:
Originally Posted by BK001 View Post
During a major hurricane the order is given to evacuate.
However a devout christian is confident that the lord will protect him from the storm.

As the water begins to rise a police man comes by in a 4 wheel drive and makes a call for evacuation.

“The lord will save us.” The man says confidently. The cop shrugs and drives off.

The water continues to rise until the street is flooded. A FEMA worker comes along in a rowboat and asks the man to come with since it might be his last chance. He declines again, confident in God’s power.

Well it gets really bad and they are forced to take refuge on the roof of their house. Against all odds a helicopter comes by. The pilot gets on the loudspeaker and says that this absolutely the last chance for rescue.

Still the man refuses help and sits on the roof.

Well the water rises some more and he drowns. He arrives in heaven and stands before god.

“Lord, I put my faith in you, why didn’t you save me from that storm?” he asks in distress.

“What are you talking about? I sent you a truck, a boat and a helicopter!” God answers with a snort.
Belly laugh; but perhaps we are on the same wavelength.
__________________
Barefoot At Last
No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
Saving one dog will not change the world, but surely for that one dog, the world will change forever.

Last edited by Barefoot; 09-07-2019 at 01:49 PM.
  #393  
Old 09-11-2019, 08:27 PM
Polar Bear Polar Bear is offline
Sage
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 4,682
Thanks: 222
Thanked 956 Times in 385 Posts
Default

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At their very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?” Bob replied, “Girlfriend? She's my wife!” They’re knocked over, but continue to ask: “So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?” “I lied about my age,” Bob replied. “What? Did you tell her you were only 50?”
Bob smiled and said, “No, I told her I was 90.”
  #394  
Old 09-11-2019, 08:36 PM
ColdNoMore ColdNoMore is offline
Sage
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Between 466 & 466A
Posts: 10,509
Thanks: 82
Thanked 1,507 Times in 677 Posts
Default

Genie: "I shall grant you three wishes."

Me: "Great, I wish for a world without lawyers."

Genie: "Your wish is granted...you have no more wishes."

Me: "But, you said I had three wishes."







Genie: "So sue me."
  #395  
Old 09-11-2019, 08:55 PM
Taltarzac725's Avatar
Taltarzac725 Taltarzac725 is offline
Sage
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 49,312
Thanks: 9,392
Thanked 3,295 Times in 2,044 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ColdNoMore View Post
Genie: "I shall grant you three wishes."

Me: "Great, I wish for a world without lawyers."

Genie: "Your wish is granted...you have no more wishes."

Me: "But, you said I had three wishes."







Genie: "So sue me."
I will have to remember that one.
  #396  
Old 09-12-2019, 05:44 AM
BK001's Avatar
BK001 BK001 is offline
Platinum member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Bay Ridge Brooklyn, NY, The Village of Lynnhaven
Posts: 1,870
Thanks: 83
Thanked 257 Times in 161 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ColdNoMore View Post
Genie: "I shall grant you three wishes."

Me: "Great, I wish for a world without lawyers."

Genie: "Your wish is granted...you have no more wishes."

Me: "But, you said I had three wishes."




Genie: "So sue me."
Love it!
__________________
A great attitude is a choice, not a disposition
  #397  
Old 09-21-2019, 08:46 AM
Barefoot's Avatar
Barefoot Barefoot is offline
Sage
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Winters in TV, Summers in Canada.
Posts: 17,669
Thanks: 1,694
Thanked 243 Times in 184 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ColdNoMore View Post
Genie: "I shall grant you three wishes."

Me: "Great, I wish for a world without lawyers."

Genie: "Your wish is granted...you have no more wishes."

Me: "But, you said I had three wishes."

Genie: "So sue me."
__________________
Barefoot At Last
No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
Saving one dog will not change the world, but surely for that one dog, the world will change forever.
  #398  
Old 09-21-2019, 08:51 AM
Barefoot's Avatar
Barefoot Barefoot is offline
Sage
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Winters in TV, Summers in Canada.
Posts: 17,669
Thanks: 1,694
Thanked 243 Times in 184 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Polar Bear View Post
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At their very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?” Bob replied, “Girlfriend? She's my wife!” They’re knocked over, but continue to ask: “So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?” “I lied about my age,” Bob replied. “What? Did you tell her you were only 50?”
Bob smiled and said, “No, I told her I was 90.”
I'm just catching up, reviewing jokes. This is a good one.
__________________
Barefoot At Last
No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
Saving one dog will not change the world, but surely for that one dog, the world will change forever.
  #399  
Old 09-21-2019, 09:28 AM
bilcon bilcon is offline
Veteran member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 945
Thanks: 10
Thanked 650 Times in 249 Posts
Default

After a really bad round, the golfer spots a lake at the 18th hole. He says to his caddy, "I thing i'll drown myself." The caddy answers, "I don't think you can keep your head down that long."

Another golfer had 160 yard shot to the hole. He says to his caddy, "do you think I can get there with a 5 iron." His caddy responds, "eventually"
  #400  
Old 09-21-2019, 09:36 AM
Barefoot's Avatar
Barefoot Barefoot is offline
Sage
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Winters in TV, Summers in Canada.
Posts: 17,669
Thanks: 1,694
Thanked 243 Times in 184 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by bilcon View Post
After a really bad round, the golfer spots a lake at the 18th hole. He says to his caddy, "I thing i'll drown myself." The caddy answers, "I don't think you can keep your head down that long."
I love this one.
__________________
Barefoot At Last
No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
Saving one dog will not change the world, but surely for that one dog, the world will change forever.
  #401  
Old 09-23-2019, 05:18 AM
#1bulldog #1bulldog is offline
Junior Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Still renting in TV in the Spanish Springs area.
Posts: 14
Thanks: 0
Thanked 9 Times in 4 Posts
Default

My wife and I saw a doctor to help us with memory issues. He suggested we write things down to help our recall.

That evening, while in bed, my wife asks me for a dish of vanilla ice cream. She suggests I practice by writing it down. “No way! I can’t forget that” was my reply. As I left the bedroom, she asked for whipped cream also. I said ok and she again asked me to write it down. My reply was the same. I reached the kitchen and I heard her ask for a cherry on top. Again she asked me to write it down, but I told her “I got it, vanilla ice cream, whipped cream and a cherry on top.”

Ten minutes later I returned with a plate of bacon and eggs. She replied, “I told you, you should have written it down. You forgot my toast.”
  #402  
Old 10-27-2019, 08:08 AM
BK001's Avatar
BK001 BK001 is offline
Platinum member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Bay Ridge Brooklyn, NY, The Village of Lynnhaven
Posts: 1,870
Thanks: 83
Thanked 257 Times in 161 Posts
Default

Things that make you say What?

❗️I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

❗️We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...

❗️I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

❗️ My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

❗️ I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

❗️ The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....

❗️ When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
__________________
A great attitude is a choice, not a disposition
  #403  
Old 10-28-2019, 05:59 AM
DanBrew DanBrew is offline
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 71
Thanks: 6
Thanked 152 Times in 44 Posts
Default

A buddy and his proctologist friend go out to play a round of golf. After the first hole they realize that they forgot a pencil to write down the scores so the proctologist's buddy says to him "Hey, let me use that pen in your pocket" Proctologist hands it to him and the guy says, "This isn't a pen, its a rectal thermometer." Proctologist apologizes, reaches in his pocket again and hands him another pen. Guy gets it and says again, "this isnt a pen either, it too is a rectal thermometer. Proctologist puts it back in his pocket and says, "Dang, some ahole has my pen"
  #404  
Old 01-04-2020, 11:11 PM
ColdNoMore ColdNoMore is offline
Sage
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Between 466 & 466A
Posts: 10,509
Thanks: 82
Thanked 1,507 Times in 677 Posts
Default

The Villages Florida
  #405  
Old 01-20-2020, 07:01 PM
ColdNoMore ColdNoMore is offline
Sage
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Between 466 & 466A
Posts: 10,509
Thanks: 82
Thanked 1,507 Times in 677 Posts
Default

At a medical check-up:

"Do you do dangerous sports?"

"Well, sometimes I talk back at my wife."

-------

And here’s another lesson in good manners:

Throwing the bouquet behind you to see who’s next?

Really poor taste at funerals.


-------

Husband leaves the house with the dog.

Wife asks: "Are you taking the donkey for a walk?"

Husband: "You mean the dog, right?"

Wife: "Shush, I am talking to the dog!"




Closed Thread

Tags
stewart, thread, time, didn’t, son

Thread Tools

You are viewing a new design of the TOTV site. Click here to revert to the old version.

All times are GMT -5. The time now is 11:25 AM.